The Unshaved Mouse responds to Taran_Wanderer_2

So recently, new commenter Daniel has been very kindly posting links to the blog on the various pages of Disney movies on IMDb. This has resulted in quite a bit of increased traffic (thanks Dan!), and overall the response been very positive.

Of course…the blog is not really your typical review blog, and I think some of the new visitors to the site might have been a little, shall we say, befuddled about how we do around here.

A) Why is this map talking to me? B) Why is he such a dick?

A) Why is this map talking to me?
B) Why is he such a dick?

But one comment in particular caught my eye, posted by one Taran_Wanderer_2 on the Rescuers review.

This is awesome

Okay, firstly can I just say: THIS. IS. AWESOME.

Ever since the Horned King died I have been in desperate need of an arch nemesis. You just need someone to keep you on your toes who genuinely hates your guts. What’s that? How do I know he hates my guts? Look at his name, look at the petition on the bottom of his post. Oh yes. We have a Black Cauldron fan AND a Rescuers fan! And I’m willing to bet money that he loves Aristocats and thinks Three Caballeros was fine but needed to be more utterly horrifying. This is amazing. I have found my Lex Luthor.

You see, you guys are great and all, but you’re far too nice. I literally have never had to refuse to approve a single comment on this blog. Finally, I’ve got someone who’s really going to challenge me to up my game so let me take each of his points in turn.

That’s a review?

Well, kinda. It’s more a hybrid comedic recapping/review.  Think of it as the blog equivalent of a Grolar Bear.

I’d say a scary mental spasm.

No, the scary mental spasms occur when I see an unshaved mouse because of the subliminal messages planted in my mind by Walt Disney to help me achieve my ultimate destiny of reviewing every canon Disney movie in order and defeating the Horned King but I can totally see why you might not get that.

I got to the part about Mary Poppins and I declared the reviewer to not be too bright.

So that’s what that was! I did get an eerie feeling today. I stopped dead, gazed at the horizon and whispered to myself: “Is someone…is someone declaring about me?”

No way I’d waste any more time reading that.

I won’t even try to contemplate the millions of lives lost by my distracting Taran_Wanderer_2 from his medical research. Because…damn. But truly, I think we can all agree, I am now a greater mass murderer than Hitler.

Ha ha.

Good one.

It was at this point in the proceedings that Dan stepped into the breach to defend my honour.

Dan the man

Dan? Hang back, buddy. This is between me and Taran. (I should also probably point out that I’m not really part of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses, I just cross post on the site and cradle my picture of Doug Walker at night so that I might dream I’m in his arms.) Oh and Dan? Taran does not drink tea. He clearly drinks only the finest scotch as he sits in his panelled study, gazing over tented fingers as he plots the next move of our great game. And laughing. Ha ha.

Taran responds…

Taran

You should have mentioned that from the start, then I wouldn’t have wasted my time even clicking on the link.

Enough Taran! Please! The faces of  the numberless dead who would be alive today were it not for me swim before my very eyes!

The whole GuywithThreeNipples or the GirlWithTwoFakeOnes, or whatever, clan cannot be described as comedy.

Okay, Taran, I’m going to do you the rather enormous favour of giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming that “GirlwithTwoFakeOnes” is not a reference to Lindsay Ellis and that you were not trying to make a bafflingly inane, thuddingly sexist comment about one of the most insightful, witty and unique reviewers on the internet and a rather vital counterbalance in a still overwhelmingly male dominated online culture. I will give you that much. But in criticising my comedy, you come at me with GuywithThreeNipples? No. No Mister, you go away and you try harder. Come on! You’re supposed to be my arch nemesis! Three Nipples? Really?

I had such high fucking hopes for us.

I had such high fucking hopes for us.

Third grade vulgarity does not comedy make.

Third grade vulgarity beats adult cynicism and sneering condescension every hour, of every day, of every week, of every month, of every year. Also, “GuywithThreeNipples” does not comedy slightly resemble.

That moron starts the review whining about the assumption that someone has said that “The Rescuers” is better than “Mary Poppins” when the actual quotation is that “The Rescuers” is the best Disney film SINCE “Mary Poppins” implying that the the 1977 film is not quite up there.

Listen asshole! That is a perfectly fair and valid criticism. I should have made clear that the implication was that Rescuers is at somewhere near the same level of quality as Mary Poppins rather than that it was seen as a peer or better. Thank you for your constructive feedback.

Obviously the dude has trouble with simple English comprehension.

Okay, I’m gonna need somebody to translate this one for me.

Which is why I found it a waste of time to read any further.

I know you’re trying to comfort me, but it won’t bring back the dead.

And no, “Mary Poppins” is an excellent film as is “The Rescuers.”

I agree.

And I wholeheartedly agree that the latter is the best Disney film since the former (by a landslide), with the exception of “Bedknobs and Broomsticks” which is right up there, too.

Nice while it lasted.

Taran? I like you. You seem like a better class of troll. And I look forward to our no doubt thrilling and sexy battle of wits leading inevitably to our final confrontation atop a waterfall.

You and me, Taran? I think you and I are destined to do this forever…

28 comments

  1. And here I thought my constant second guessing of everything you say (you honestly think that Lindsey’s pseudo-scientific, self-important and often badly researched reviews are good????) would be villainous enough….I guess I’ll have to step it up….perhaps I should acquire a sinister cackle? Or constant cap syndrome?

    1. No, swanpride – although you may disagree with the gallant hero, you do it respectfully. That’s more like a token cynic on the side of good than a true villain. 😛

  2. Seems to me that your rival is a bit over-fond of declaring things, what with the whole ‘I declare this reviewer to not be very bright’ and ‘[such and such] cannot be declared comedy’. Using linguistic profiling I believe your rival is a ‘southern dame’ (pro. suth-en day-m) from civil war era Georgia. Try bating them with some references to Gone with the Wind.

  3. First of all, I would like to say that I am honored that you would feature me in one of your blog posts. I’m grinning from ear to ear as we speak.

    Second, you’re not the first to have to deal with Taran’s so-called “criticism.” If you check out his other posts on IMDb, he has butt heads with MANY other users, simply because he is extremely opinionated to the point where he thinks his views are superior to others, and will force them down your throat. And of course he is obsessed with The Rescuers (not that I care, really). I personally have never gotten myself involved in an argument with him; in fact, the little back-and-forth between us that is the topic of this blog has been the most I’ve had to deal with him so far. After his second (and as of right now, last) response to the topic I started on your Rescuers review, I just decided it wasn’t worth it, and I just let it be. Turned out to be a good decision considering what you decided to do about it. ^_^

      1. Plus, I DID tell you you praised the film, so I really don’t know what his problem is. (shrug)

  4. Well, I wish the two of you the best of luck with your rivalry. I’m just going to be on standby in case you need an expert on fangirlism and defence against the dark arts.

  5. “It was at this point in the proceedings that Dan stepped into the breach to defend my honour.”

    You spell honor like a Brit. 😛

  6. Ugh. Dude, don’t bother with Taran. I know that getting an archnemesis might seem like it’s fun, but the guy is nothing but bad news. I’d know. He’s been MY archenemesis in the past. Then I finally just put him on my Ignore list after I got tired of his crap.

  7. Looked up this guy on IMDb. Found some other posts, but they were non-offensive. He’s deleted some posts from round about this time… but the screenshots live on! THE SCREENSHOTS LIVE ON!

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