Disney(ish) Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse: Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World

I was once a mouse of honour. Once I had a code. My very first post on this blog, half a goddamn decade ago, set out some rules that I swore I’d follow come hell or high water: No live action movies. No Pixar movies. No direct to video Disney sequels. So here we are. […]

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #33: Pocahontas

  (DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.) *** “We’d been working it on it for a couple of months and then Jeffrey calls a […]

Disney(ish) reviews with the Unshaved Mouse: Olaf’s Frozen Adventure

If you like Unshaved Mouse please consider supporting my Patreon. Guys, tell me the truth. Am I going soft? Do I just not have the same bile and critical killer instinct I once had? Because I feel like I just don’t hate the way I used to. Maybe the Christmas spirit has managed to claw […]

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #57: Ralph Breaks the Internet

Like Unshaved Mouse? Please consider supporting my Patreon. So occasionally I will actually watch movies made for grownups and recently Ms Mouse and I saw Rocketman, which I can best describe as “Bohemian Rhapsody but not terrible”. Apart from quality the two movies are scarily similar but then I suppose that’s just the nature of musical bio-pics. […]

Disney(ish) Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse: Mulan 2

(Like Unshaved Mouse? Please consider supporting my Patreon.) Oh hey, here’s a nice uncontroversial question: Is Mulan feminist? To which of course the answer is IT’S A TRAP YOU FOOL RUN!!! You see, the question presupposes that everyone agrees on what a feminist movie is, and that you can even have a feminist movie in the first […]

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2002)

Okay guys, this is going to be a short one. Firstly because I fell waaaay the damn behind schedule with this review and secondly because I review movies by recapping the plot and Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron has less of a plot and more of an outline. Very, very little happens and less of it is […]

Disney(ish) Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse: The Hunchback of Notre Dame II

It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it. Execution is more important than concept. Consider Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Doing Victor Hugo’s classic melodrama as an animated Disney musical is an objectively terrible idea. Awful. Comedically bad. You would have to really sit down and think to come up with a classic […]

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #56: Moana

Question. Do you think that when Ron Clements and John Musker show up at the Disney studios they’re all… ‘Cos they’d kinda have to, wouldn’t they? I mean, they’ve earned that. If they wanted to stop at every cubicle and say “Oh by the way, we’re the reason you have a job. You’re welcome.” who […]

The Prince of Egypt (1998)

(DISCLAIMER: All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.) Writing reviews is only partly why I do this blog. The other part is getting to know you guys; finding out your […]

Felidae (1994)

(DISCLAIMER: All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

"Let me in you oversized landmass! I have to talk to Mouse!"

“Let me in you oversized landmass! I have to talk to Mouse!”

"Not happenin' man. I'm handlin' Mouse's security. And until we know who this Blucatt guy is no one sees Mouse. Got it?"

“Not happenin’, man. I’m handlin’ his security. And until we know who this Blucatt guy is no one sees Mouse. Got it?”

"But that's why I need to see him! I know who Blucatt is!"

“But that’s why I need to see him! I know who Blucatt is!”

"So spill. Who is he?"

“So spill. Who is he?”

"I can't tell you. I have to tell Mouse in person."

“I can’t tell you. I have to tell Mouse in person. He has to know why I…”

"Why you WHAT, Moustache Man?"

“Why you WHAT, Moustache Man?”

"Forget it. Just...give him this note."

“Forget it. Just…give him this note.”

"Aiight. But I won't have a chance to until he finishes reviewing Felidae."

“Aiight. But I won’t have a chance to until he finishes reviewing Felidae.”

***

Guys…I…I think I may be going crazy.

I mean, really, I think I might be starting to lose it. First there were all those weird messages appearing, and then this whole stuff with Blucatt and then suddenly there’s Foodfight! fanfiction appearing on my blog (who would even do something like that?)…

I’m starting to feel my hold on reality loosening and I don’t think it can be entirely explained away by the fact that Class A drugs were briefly legal in my country. Which brings me to today’s movie; Felidae. I knew next to nothing about this movie going in but my research seemed encouraging. Most expensive animated film ever to come out of Germany, based on one of the best selling German novels of all time. Large cult following, 7.9 rating on IMdB, 85% viewer approval on Rotten Tomatoes (though no reviews from professional critics). The consensus seems to be that this was a dark, engaging film noir murder mystery with cats. Okay, sounds cool. I can dig it.

And then I watched it.

What. The. Close. Up. Mouth. Whore. FUCK?

People like this? People? Actual people?

Because I can honestly say, without a hint of hyperbole, that I have never reviewed a movie for this blog that I hated more than this one. No. Not even Home on the Range. Not even Dinosaur. Not. Even. Foodfight!

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Mouse. You’ve lost it. You’ve gone nuts…”

Yes, did you not read the first lines of this review?

“Shut up and let me finish. You gave Foodfight! 0%. Zero. The big goose-egg. How can this possibly be worse than that?”

Well I didn’t say it was worse. I said I hated it more. Foodfight is just total, utter failure on every level. Felidae is not like that. There is a base line of competence that it never goes below. But…that actually makes it more unpleasant. Because they succeed in what they set out to do. It’s relentlessly, repulsively nasty and it’s good at it.

It sets out to appall you and it succeeds. 

How bad is it?

Let’s take a look. But you won’t thank me.

(more…)