You know that old saw about walking down a beach that represents the different times of your life and seeing God’s footprints beside yours? I kinda feel that way about animator Phil Nibbelink.

I knew it not, but he was there during The Fox and the Hound, The Black Cauldron, The Great Mouse Detective, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Oliver & Company and American Tail: Fievel Goes West. Nibbelink worked on all those films and many others. This is a guy who has spent years at the very top echelon of American animation. And, around the turn of the millennium he and his wife formed Phil Nibbelink Productions to make their own independent animation without having to debase themselves before the Hollywood suits. This, mind you, puts me in a hell of a bind.

Because, I want to like Romeo & Juliet (Sealed with a Kiss) very much. This is an independent feature length film animated entirely by one possibly insane man. Nibbelink drew every cel of this. Himself. On a goddamn tablet. Over four years. That is, by any metric, an absolutely phenomenal achievement. Simply by dint of existing this film deserves a standing ovation and as many panties flung at the stage as can be thrown without damaging the structural integrity of the theatre. The movie is amazing. Incredible. Unbelievable. But is it good?

Something I’ve come to realise is that most people only have the time and energy to get really good at one thing, if they even manage that. Nibbelink is a phenomenal animator. Now, I could show you scenes from Sealed with a Kiss, and you probably would not be that impressed. And yes, the models are extremely basic and the animation is around the level of a mid-budget TV animation. But again, this is one man doing this with next to no resources and the fact that everything moves smoothly and crisply and stays on model is a goddamn miracle. So make no mistake, when it comes to animation Nibbelink is a powerhouse. But making a movie requires him to be not just an animator but a director, screenwriter, casting agent and editor. And, like I said, most people can only be very good at one thing.

Watching this thing, part of me was saying to myself “oh, like you could do better?” and another part was answering:

I think, first and foremost, I’d have had the sense to recognise that the play about the 16 year old who seduces a 13 year old, kills two people and then commits suicide right before the 13 year old stabs herself to death on his corpse is maybe not the best source material for an all ages cartoon.

So we get some opening narration that goes; “Once upon a time, on a world not very different from our own…”

Stop.

Jesus Christ. That’s impressively quick to go off the rails.

Okay, an opening monologue is typically used to quickly and efficiently dump a load of needed exposition on the audience so we can get on with the actual story. It’s inelegant, but it’s forgivable. But the golden rule is that it should explain to the audience, not confuse them. This is a movie about seals (sea-lions, actually, but the movie is not going to survive that kind of rigorous scientific analysis). Seals live here with us. On Earth. They’re quite common. Depending on your distance from the sea, one might be reading this review over your shoulder as we speak.

So what’s this “world not very different from our own” bullshit? Is this movie not set on Earth? Is this a parallel universe? Did Phil Nibbelink spend four years of his life re-telling Romeo and Juliet with alien seals and, if so, has someone taken his car keys? Anyway, the narration continues.

“…there lived two families, alike in dignity. Differing only in colour.”

Ohhhhh it’s a racism allegory re-telling of Romeo and Juliet with alien seals.

The Capulets are white seal(ion)s, the Montagues are brown seal(ion)s. Good times ahead, I’m sure.

We meet two Montagues, Benvolio and Mercutio.

Benvolio is your standard cowardly/fat sidekick who loves food. And Mercutio is…not even a character. He’s just a dispenser of schtick. His dialogue is a meaningless babble of jokes, non-sequitars and quotes from pretty much every major Shakesperean play other than Romeo and Juliet. So, y’know, perfectly faithful to the bard’s divine vision.

Benvolio runs afoul of some Capulets and before you can say “do you bite your fin at me?” there’s a massive brawl on the beach. And I really have to give credit here, this an absolute battle royal with dozens if not hundreds of moving models all done by a single man and…yeah….

Hats off for Mr. Nibbelink.

Actually, Hats off for Mr. Nibbelink sounds like a play that would run Off Broadway in the early seventies. Anyway, the fight is broken up by The Prince who is, far and away, the biggest problem with this movie. So, if you’re not familiar with the play, the Prince is a kind of reasonable authority figure trying to keep peace between the feuding Capulets and Montagues. In this movie, he’s the villain and is merged with the character of Paris as the rival suitor for Juliet’s hand. Okay, nothing too out there so far. But then the movie goes and makes him look like this:

There’s a reason why my scoring system has an entire category just for the villain. A good baddie is absolutely essential to a good animated film and this may be the most bafflingly incompetent stab at a villain I’ve seen in a very long while. He’s a big green elephant seal voiced with a “durr, okay boss” kinda affect. There’s also a running gag that he has really bad breath and breathes green vapour over everything which is gross and all but not exactly menacing. I could maybe buy this guy as a comedy henchman but as the main antagonist he’s a complete washout.

The Prince warns both families that if they broach the peace again they’ll be exiled to Shark Island, an island that is both shaped like a shark and has a shark perpetually swimming around it.

Mercutio tells Benvolio that the Capulets are throwing a part and that they’re going to crash it despite that being a terrible, terrible idea. They run into Lord Montague who tells them that he’s worried about Romeo because many a morning hath he there been seen with tears augmenting the fresh morning dew adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs and so soon as the all-cheering sun should in the furthest east begin to draw the shady curtains from Aurora’s bed away from the light he steals home heavy and private in his chamber pens himself, shuts up his windows, locks far daylight out and makes himself an artificial night like a little emo bitch.

The two go and try to cheer him up and he tells them that he’s depressed because nobody loves him. Not because he’s had his heart broken, mind, just the general state of being single. No Fair Rosaline. Or rather, no Fair Ro-sealion.

Shakespeare wouldn’t have let that slip. All I’m saying.

We get our first…song? Maybe? It’s really just Romeo whining in rhyme over the tune of We Go Together from Grease if We Go Together from Grease had been punched in the face enough times to be legally distinct.

Anyway, Benvolio and Mercutio drag Romeo along to the Capulet Ball which is held on a shipwreck that looks rather suspiciously like the one from The Little Mermaid. They sneak in by covering themselves in…well I thought it was snow but the wiki insists its white sand. Anyway. They do whiteface. The seals do whiteface and sneak onboard. There, Romeo sees Juliet and they fall instantly in love. So, a little problem I have with this. In the play, both Romeo and Juliet are young, sure, but in this movie they’re portrayed as being absolutely tiny compared to the other characters.

Which has the unfortunate effect of making them seem like actual children. Which makes scenes where they’re kissing or, even worse, where the Prince is sleazing on Juliet really, really uncomfortable.

Romeo’s discovered and has to am-scray but he finds Juliet later under a tree and they do the balcony scene and Romeo promises Juliet that she won’t have to marry the Prince because he’s going to marry her instead and, because she somehow has less agency than a character written 430 years ago, she’s all “okay then, you seem like you know what you’re doing”

Romeo visits Friar Lawrence who is a sea otter with a cauldron that lets him see the future (this was actually Shakespeare’s original intention but Burbage was too fat for the otter costume). Romeo convinces Lawrence to marry him and Juliet.

Oh, we have fun here. Anyway, he’s reluctant but then he consults his cauldron and sees that a wedding between Romeo and Juliet could bring peace between the Capulets and the Montagues.

Now, you wouldn’t think that a film that clocks in at a lean hour and 12 minutes and based on a play that, when performed in full, typically lasts three hours would have trouble filling its run time. But Sealed with a Kiss is padded to hell and back. Probably something to with not having the Nurse, Tybalt, Lady Capulet or Lady Montague. So there is a loooooong stretch in the middle that switches between Benvolio and Mercutio sitting on a beach making jokes about the Capulets while Romeo and Juliet play in the rusting, corpse infested hulk of RMS Titanic.

They go inside the ship where a load of fish are throwing a jazz party with the music overseen by a crab conductor and…okay, the amount of lifting from The Little Mermaid is getting a little obnoxious. Phil, I know you worked for Disney but can you please restrict your grubby mitts to movies you actually worked on? We now get a weird ass scene where all the fish stop and stare in shock because they are horrified that a Montague and a Capulet are together. Like, one, why do the fish care this strongly about sealion segregation and two, why do Romeo and Juliet give a fuck what the fish think?

This would be like me enduring biphobic abuse from a hamburger.

Anyway, the Prince hears that Romeo and Juliet got hitched and goes on a rampage. Mercutio distracts the Prince through the power of fat-shaming and the Prince knocks him off a cliff into the water.

The Prince banishes Romeo to Shark Island and tells Juliet that he’s going to marry her tonight. We then get two songs and…oh Jesus. Okay, so the Prince gets a villain song called I’m So Hot that’s approaching Am I Feeling Love levels of inanity.

Do you want to know how bad the songs in this movie are? I can’t even find versions of them on YouTube. And the whole movie is on YouTube! No one on a planet of eight billion people thought it was worth their time to clip the songs.

Juliet goes to Friar Lawrence for help and he has a song that actually sounds more like a villain song. Specifically, it sounds like the final part of Pure Unfortunate Souls. He even gives her the fake suicide poison in a shell.

All the Capulets are waiting for the wedding to begin when Friar Lawrence shows up with Juliet’s corpse and is all “I hope you’re happy”. Benvolio races to Shark Island to tell Romeo and Lawrence, realising the rather massive gaping hole in his plan, follows to tell Romeo the truth and ensure he doesn’t do anything rash. Unfortunately, Lawrence gets waylaid by the shark and chased around the wreck of a ship…

Phil. Look. I know it sucks you left Disney right before the Renaissance started. I know that must feel like selling your Apple stock right before the iPhone launched. But please. This is not healthy.

Romeo is horrified to learn that Juliet is dead and un-banishes himself. He returns to find Juliet lying in state, kisses her on the lips and promptly poisons himself. The Montagues arrive and are horrified because they think Romeo. The two families see what a scourge is laid upon their hate as heaven finds a way to kill their joys with love and then Mercutio rides a wave in like he’s fucking Slurms McKenzie and wakes them both up.

The movie ends with Romeo and Juliet both alive and the Capulets and the Montagues now at peace. And even the Prince gets a previously unseen elephant seal girlfriend.

And that sound you hear is Shakespeare turning in his grave so fast he’s half way through the mantle of the Earth.

Scoring

Animation 17/20

Absolutely a case of “A for Effort”. Objectively the animation is acceptable. But this is a competently animated feature length movie that is the work of a single individual and I have to give props for that.

Leads: 03/20

Would you believe, not as good as the originals?

Villains: 02/20

Villains aren’t hard. Halfway scary design. English accent. Boom. You’re done. How do you fuck up this badly?

Supporting Characters: 06/20

It’s mostly just Phil Nibbelink’s friends and relations messing around. That’s nice.

Music: 05/20

Apparently Nibbelink just got a load of public domain music and wrote lyrics for it. Very apparently.

FINAL SCORE: 33%

NEXT UPDATE: 31 October 2024.

NEXT TIME: ‘Fraid I need to take another editing break, but I’ll be back on Halloween for the scariest, bloodiest, goriest Bats versus Bolts of all!