The Make Mine Music video review is now up and here and waiting and let’s go party YAY! Erik’s really done a fantastic job with this one so be sure to check it out.
Month: March 2015
The Hangman’s Daughter Chapter 45 & Epilogue
CHAPTER 45: FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS
Isabella seemed to not even notice him, and ran out into the field of dust. She could feel the grains of the dead on her bare feet like sand but she paid it no mind. She glanced around. Nothing.
She bit her lip so hard it almost bled.
“Bella!”
She turned.
Cole stood there, leaning against a wall and struggling to breath. She couldn’t believe it, he was half dead with exhaustion and he had actually run after her.
Then she realised that he was pointing behind her.
She turned, and her heart broke a little with happiness. Footprints, leading through the dust, away from the chamber.
“He’s fine, kid.” Cole wheezed “He made it. He probably didn’t feel like staying and chatting with Mabus. You know how awkward these reunions can be.”
“He’s alright.” Isabella whispered.
“He’ll be back.” Cole promised her “Just give some time to lick his wounds. Come one.”
He stretched out a hand to her and she took shelter under his arm as they walked back to the courtyard.
On an impulse, she gave him a hug.
He hissed like a kettle “For the love of God, please don’t do that.”
The Hangman’s Daughter Chapter 44
CHAPTER 44: THE LAST STAND
They didn’t speak.
Marie simply stared out at the passing city. Isabella rested her head on her shoulder and closed her eyes.
Cole was still exhausted, the battle had taken everything out of him. And the thought that it was not yet over made him feel like his insides were rotting. He thought about how many people he had killed today. For the first time in his life, he was sick of it all.
Only Joriel seemed upbeat.
“Don’t be too downcast.” he told them “There is always hope, always. I am proof of that.”
The girls didn’t answer, but Cole had a thought.
“Hey Joriel?”
“Yes?”
“How’d you get in that cage in the first place?” Cole asked.
“Mabus and I have been enemies for a very long time.” said Joriel.
“Why’s that?” Cole asked.
“Many reasons. But I guess you could say it started when he stole my wife.”
Cole looked at him.
“You serious?”
“Oh yes.”
“Angels have wives?”
“Some of us. Yes. Other do not.” said Joriel, a little irritably “We’re like people that way.”
“What are you thinking about?” Isabella asked.
“Virgil.” said Marie.
“Virgil?”
“He was the one who told me we were trapped in there.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. He was real, he wasn’t one of Mabus’ fakes. He was really there and he’s the reason we were able to get out.”
“So where is he now?”
“That’s what I’ wondering. I was expecting him to be here when we woke up.”
“You don’t think he’s…”
“Dead?”
“I mean, you know…”
“Deader.”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know.”
The strum of the helicopter’s blades had faded into the background a long time ago, so when the shrill alarm sounded it took them all by surprise.
“What’s that?” Marie said, starting.
“This light started flashing.” said Joriel “A moment please.”
He crushed the insolent light with his thumb and it cracked like a sparrow egg, a thin trail of smoke curling upward. But the alarm still shrieked.
“We’re out of gas.” said Cole “Find a place to set us down.”
Joriel grunted assent, and the helicopter began to lose altitude a little faster than either Isabella or Marie were comfortable with.
“Damn. Damn, damn, damn.” Cole muttered.
“What?” Marie asked.
“You see that over there?” Cole pointed. In the distance they could just make out a large grey mass behind them, creeping inexorably like algae.
“Must be nearly a thousand in that mob. And they’re headed right for the chamber.”
“But we can beat them to it, right?” said Isabella.
The chopper touched down with a vicious jolt.
“Run.” said Cole.
Thomas was back on top of the world.
His bruises, to his body and his pride, were already forgotten.
His knife was in his hand, and to his back an army of a thousand men were chanting his name.
Ave Tomas! Ave Tomas!
They shook the stone sky with their voice.
The earth trembled at their step.
This time, Marie, he thought, this time I will keep my promise to your father.
Felidae (1994)
(DISCLAIMER: All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)
“Let me in you oversized landmass! I have to talk to Mouse!”
“Not happenin’, man. I’m handlin’ his security. And until we know who this Blucatt guy is no one sees Mouse. Got it?”
“But that’s why I need to see him! I know who Blucatt is!”
“So spill. Who is he?”
“I can’t tell you. I have to tell Mouse in person. He has to know why I…”
“Why you WHAT, Moustache Man?”
“Forget it. Just…give him this note.”
“Aiight. But I won’t have a chance to until he finishes reviewing Felidae.”
***
Guys…I…I think I may be going crazy.
I mean, really, I think I might be starting to lose it. First there were all those weird messages appearing, and then this whole stuff with Blucatt and then suddenly there’s Foodfight! fanfiction appearing on my blog (who would even do something like that?)…
I’m starting to feel my hold on reality loosening and I don’t think it can be entirely explained away by the fact that Class A drugs were briefly legal in my country. Which brings me to today’s movie; Felidae. I knew next to nothing about this movie going in but my research seemed encouraging. Most expensive animated film ever to come out of Germany, based on one of the best selling German novels of all time. Large cult following, 7.9 rating on IMdB, 85% viewer approval on Rotten Tomatoes (though no reviews from professional critics). The consensus seems to be that this was a dark, engaging film noir murder mystery with cats. Okay, sounds cool. I can dig it.
And then I watched it.
What. The. Close. Up. Mouth. Whore. FUCK?
People like this? People? Actual people?
Because I can honestly say, without a hint of hyperbole, that I have never reviewed a movie for this blog that I hated more than this one. No. Not even Home on the Range. Not even Dinosaur. Not. Even. Foodfight!
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Mouse. You’ve lost it. You’ve gone nuts…”
Yes, did you not read the first lines of this review?
“Shut up and let me finish. You gave Foodfight! 0%. Zero. The big goose-egg. How can this possibly be worse than that?”
Well I didn’t say it was worse. I said I hated it more. Foodfight is just total, utter failure on every level. Felidae is not like that. There is a base line of competence that it never goes below. But…that actually makes it more unpleasant. Because they succeed in what they set out to do. It’s relentlessly, repulsively nasty and it’s good at it.
It sets out to appall you and it succeeds.
How bad is it?
Let’s take a look. But you won’t thank me.
A Saint Patrick’s Day Message from the Unshaved Mouse
Friends.
As is customary at this time of year I’d like to wish you all a very happy Lá Féile Pádraig, especially to those Irish who’ve had to leave their homeland, and those of Irish descent scattered to the four corners of the Earth. The Irish diaspora is vast, spread across every continent, but the ties that bind us are eternal. We are one people, one family, no matter if providence decrees that we be parted.
For centuries, Irishmen and women have taken that long voyage, travelling to far and distant lands and there they have waited.
Patiently.
I would especially like to extend my best wishes to those Irish who have managed to infiltrate key positions of power in various military departments, national governments and nuclear power plants.
To those dear departed exiles, and their families I have this heartfelt message:
OPERATION EMERALD DAWN SHALL COMMENCE IN T MINUS 10 HOURS
Yes. The time is at last upon us! Our meticulous plan to establish a massive diaspora in every nation as a prelude to world conquest finally comes to fruition! THEY SHALL BOW BEFORE US!
AR DTÚS AN DOMHAIN, AGUS ANSIN…AN DOMHAIN!!!!
Or you know, we could just do what we always do and get completely pissed and say “Oh it’s fine, we’ll just conquer the world next year.” I mean, I don’t mean to be a nag but we’ve been putting this off every year since 1762 and frankly I’m starting to think that some of you don’t even want to conquer the world! I mean, it honestly feels like I’m the only one who wants to overthrow every government on earth and force all humanity to cower beneath the boot of their freckly overlords. There, I said it. And if you’re not going to treat this seriously, maybe I won’t even celebrate Patrick’s Day with you this year.
Yeah, I’m joining the Welsh. Screw you guys.
CYMRU AM BYTH!
The Hangman’s Daughter Chapter 43
CHAPTER 43: SCORPIO AND LEO ASCENDENT
There was fifty of them all told. Cole thought to himself. Cossacks, Vikings, few pirates what have you. Tough too. This is the best that Thomas has to offer. Any one of these could give me trouble on their own, Cole thought. Not much trouble. But still, trouble. All this went through his head as he arced though the air, spinning and turning to avoid enemy fire. Sometimes Cole thought he was a Temporal. Time was gliding around him, like a swan on a lake. If you could have seen his face under the mask, it would have been as serene as a marble saint. In his mind: odds, strategies, possible outcomes ticked over and over like some wondrous mechanical beehive. And even before his first toe, of his first foot touched the ground for the first time, he knew what he had to do.
They won’t try any fancy stuff.
No pretty moves, no posturing.
They are fifty big, burly men armed to the teeth with axes, swords and whatnot.
They’ll crowd me and hack me to bits.
Got to keep moving.
He was on the ground, on his knees, braced, arms crossed, ready for the spring.
First to die: Thin, lanky character with long blonde hair. No uniform but he’s carrying a Valaska, a light, elegant axe which means he’s probably a Slovak.
He’s wiry, the weapon’s light, he’s not wearing any armour so he gets to Cole first.
Lucky him.
He’s smiling wild.
Thinks Cole’s unarmed.
Cole releases the clasp and two jagged blades shoot from his wrists.
Blondie stops smiling.
Scorpion doesn’t sting ‘till he’s ready.
Twilight in Marketropolis (A Foodfight Tale)
Cursing under his breath, Dex Dogtective clutched his bleeding side and ran limping through the darkened streets of Marketropolis.
It was night. It was always night now.
The avenues of Marketroplis had once been filled to bursting with light and colour, the sounds of singing and laughter and the wholesome smell of high-quality brand name products. Now the city was cloaked in perpetual shadow and silence. It was a desperate kind of silence, stretched taut to breaking point. The kind of silence that comes just before the scream.
Dex tried to put the thought out of his mind and focused on the pain under his paw, a red-hot spider’s web of agony that flared with every breath. He wanted to stop running but he couldn’t. Not here. Still too close to Mouse territory.
Dex’s lip curled back in a snarl of impotent rage. Mouse territory. As if the whole damn city wasn’t his territory. As if he hadn’t already won.
Halfway down the cereal aisle the pain finally became too much and Dex almost passed out. Keep it together, he told himself. Go to sleep here and you might not wake up again. Gotta keep going, boy. Gotta keep going. Who’s a good boy? You are. You are. Yes you are.
The Hangman’s Daughter: Chapter 42
CHAPTER 42: A FAMILY REUNION
Cole didn’t know what was more unsettling; the fact that the greens had simply vanished, abandoning him in the van, or the fact that they might come back.
Where were they?
He quickly realised that he didn’t care. Thomas was heading to the Medical Tower and he had a large head start. And no van.
“My van now, suckers.” said Cole.
The road was empty, which was good, as Cole was not entirely sure what he was doing. He had acceleration pretty much down. Braking and steering were still a work in progress.
As the medical van tore through the garbage strewn streets Cole’s mind leapt from one crisis to another: What were two young girls doing in a place like New Gomorrah? How was he supposed to get them from the Medical Tower to the Chamber without the Blue Room to guide him? Was his plan really to somehow get them from one end of a warzone to the other and hope that when they got there a dead man could save them? Was that really all he had?
The Medical Tower loomed in the windshield. He gunned the accelerator, and the Tower stubbornly refused to come any closer.
Cats Don’t Dance (1997)
(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)
So I have this recurring nightmare…
Well, actually I have several recurring nightmares. You don’t live a life like mine without picking up a few ghosts in the attic. Horned King nightmares. Coachman nightmares. Foodfight nightmares. And this new one where a blue cat seems awfully mad at me for something that I can’t remember doing but I’m getting off topic.
So, in this nightmare it’s like that scene from The Untouchables where all the gangsters are having a banquet except instead of gangsters it’s movie critics. All the big critics are there and I’m sitting where Jon Lovitz did in the movie. And Al Capone (Roger Ebert) is giving the big “Teamwork” speech and then he stops in mid-sentence and he looks at me.
“You.” He says.
“Yeah boss?” I say.
“You’re a critic, huh?”
“Well…yeah.”
“What did you think of Citizen Kane?”
“Uh, never actually saw it.”
“The Godfather?”
“Sorry.”
“Before Sunset?”
“Not really into chick flicks.”
“Battleship Potemkin?”
“It’s on my list, I swear to God. I’ve seen Crash though, and that won an Oscar so that’s something right?”
And then Roger Ebert beats me to death with his Pulitzer. And then I wake up in a cold sweat screaming “I’m a fraud! A FRAUD! AND THE UNTOUCHABLES SUCKED!”
More like the “The Unwatchables” amirite?
Yeah, so I’m actually quite conscious of the fact that for someone who reviews movies I’ve seen relatively few of the Greatest Movies Ever Made. I’ve been slowly working on expanding my cinematic palette beyond animated films and computer game cut scenes however, and one of the all-time classics that I recently discovered and happily found earns its hype and then some is the 1952 musical Singin’ In the Rain. You probably don’t need me to tell you this but if by some chance you let this one slip you by then I whole-heartedly recommend you change your life and get right with God because that movie is awesome. Great songs, fantastic choreography, iconic performances and fruckin’ hilarious (I use “fruckin'” when “frickin” is too mild and “fuckin'” is too coarse). Today’s movie, Cat’s Don’t Dance has a lot in common with Singin’ in the Rain. They’re both love letters to the golden age of Hollywood and they both benefited from the talents of the great Gene Kelly, who acted as choreographer for CDD. It might sound weird for a cartoon to need a choreographer, but lemme tell ya: These cats can fruckin’ dance. And they do. In fact, this movie probably has one of the most misleading titles in cinema history, right up there with The Never Ending Story and Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.
In fairness, “Friday the 13th: There’s Gonna be 8 more of these fuckin’ things so get comfortable, folks” was never going to fit on the marquee.
This movie was part of the wave of animated features that followed in the wake of the Disney renaissance, with studios desperate to have a Lion King to call their own. CDD was produced by Turner Animation, the great American animation studio that never was. This was actually the only full length animated feature the studio ever made before Turner was merged into Time Warner but on the strength of this movie I think they could have been a serious contender. They definitely had the talent, not least of which was director Mark Dindal who later made the fantastic Emperor’s New Groove and the actually-not-so-bad-if-you-go-in-with-an-open-mind Chicken Little. Let’s take a look.
Charity Movie Deathmatch: At last, the madness ends…
“Drop. Your. Sword.”
“Shall I dispatch him for you?”
“No, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.”
Well, the 2015 Unshaved Mouse Charity Movie Deathmatch has finally come to a close.
Now, we must rebuild.
Huge thanks to everyone who donated (I’ll let you know how much we raised when I’ve counted everything up) and here are the four movies that will be reviewed:
3rd Place: Fievel Goes West & Secret of Nimh (tied)
2nd Place: Fritz the Cat
1st Place: Watership Down
unshavedmouse 