Dumbo

You?

Disney Reviews with the Horned King #26: Basil The Great Mouse Detective

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit, but for the unholy glory of the Horned King.  The Horned King declares sovereignty over all that exists in this pathetic realm save the images used below which are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise.

Hello mortals.

So, you may have noticed some changes to the blog. Why is that, you ask? Well, to put it simply I have banished the previous owner to a far flung dimension and usurped his place. I am the Horned King and your world is now mine. I have come to conquer your lands and warp your souls. I have come to topple your kings and to kill your gods. Your children shall know only my name and recognise only my face for I am your reality now. From this day forth you will not draw breath but to serve me. The sun is gone and you shall not see it rise again. I shall redden the sea with the blood of all who would defy me. And not a day shall go by that you do not long for death.

But don’t worry, we’re still going to review Disney movies. No point fixing something that’s not broken. Today’s film is Basil the Great Mouse Detective. Or you may simply know it as The Great Mouse Detective or perhaps The Adventures of the Great Mouse Detective. It is known by different names depending on the region.

The Horned King cares not for your puny borders.

Your petty borders are as nothing to the Horned King.

During my last attempt to conquer your puny globe I was sealed in the Disney vault by the accursed Jeffrey Katzenberg…

KATZENBERG!!!!

KAAAAAAAAATZENBERG!

…to prevent my evil from spreading. Disney forswore all knowledge of my movie, The Black Cauldron, in the hopes that I would fade away from the memory of man. Curse them! By sealing me away, they denied me my rightful place as monarch of this pathetic maggot hatchery of mankind, as well as a fortune in merchandising opportunities! There were to be Horned King action figures! Lunchboxes! SNUGGIES!

This "Mickey the Mouse" is worthy of a snuggy, but the Horned King is not? PAH!

This “Mickey the Mouse” is worthy of a snuggy,
but the Horned King is not? PAH!

Fools! They shall pay for their insolence!

But while they may have won the battle, it cost them dearly. Following the failure of The Black Cauldron, the Disney animation studio was a shattered husk (let all who would trifle with the Horned King take warning).  The next film would have to be a success, or else the Disney  bosses would shut down the animation wing, and place the severed heads of the animators on pikes in the parking lot as a warning to the other employees.

Ah...I miss Hollywood.

Sigh…I miss Hollywood.

For their next film, the studio decided on an adaptation of known wretched human Eve Titus’ Basil of Baker Street, a novel about a brilliant evil genius named Ratigan and his struggles against an infuriating, insufferable mouse.

The Horned King can relate.

So…let us see what pathetic humanity has wrought while I contemplate how best to deal with the puny inhabitants of this blog.

"SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HEEEEELP!!!"

“SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HEEEEELP!!!”

SILENCE!

(more…)

ThreeCaballeros

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #7: The Three Caballeros

 

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

 

***

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE)

I write these reviews a good deal ahead of time. For example, although this review won’t go up until September 13th, I’m writing these words on the 2nd of September, the Saludos Amigos review is already written but hasn’t been published yet, and Bambi was just posted three days ago. Now, I bring this up for two reasons. Firstly, the Bambi review saw the blog having it’s best day ever and breaking one thousand page views, and since that was due to you all reading, and sharing and linking people to it I would be remiss if I did not give you all a big, stonking, heartfelt thank you.

Your comments and suggestions make what is already a very enjoyable hobby even better. So thanks. 

The second reason is that one of the features that makes WordPress so dangerously compulsive fun is that it allows you to see the search terms that bring people to the blog. And it seems that one of those search terms was…“Close Up Mouth Whore Fuck.”

I got a thing for tonsils.

This prompted a brief moment of introspection. Maybe I’m swearing and calling people whores a little too much in my reviews of Disney movies? 

Bluth, thou strumpet!

I mean, I don’t think I swear excessively for a comedy blog rated for an adult audience, but I know that’s just a question of personal standards. And while I certainly appreciate that the word “whore” is loaded, I think context matters a whole lot and using the word to jokingly criticise (male) animators who “borrow” inspiration from other animators is not the same as using it in a misogynistic or threatening way (or specifying exactly what kind of Close Up Mouth Fuck materiél you are in the market for). But still, I was resolved to clean up my act, and start reviewing these movies the way Uncle Walt would have wanted.

You’re going to stop?

Aaaaaaand then I remembered what I have to review this week:

Oh what the close up mouth whore fuck is this?

(more…)

Dumbo-1941-poster

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #4: Dumbo

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. 

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE.)

So it seems quite a few people were confused by my “Next Week” bit last review where I talked about crossing a picket line to review Dumbo. Was this some obscure in-joke or was I just being weird for the sake of it? Well I like to think you know me well enough by this stage to realise that I would never stoop to bizarre nonsense just for the sake of it.

Image

HAM!

I was actually referring to the Disney Animators Strike of 1941 that occurred around halfway through the production of Dumbo and led to the movie being completed by scab labour. And boy, if there ever was a movie that looked like it was partly done by trained professionals before being finished by desperate, guilt-ridden blackleg hacks…

Ta…da?

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