Before we get on to the fun part of unveiling which of the 123 (I’M SORRY I’LL REPEAT THAT AGAIN ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FRICKIN’ THREE) Movies and TV series that you nominated made the cut, let’s go through how this works again.
- Make a donation of $5 or $10 to the Joanna VR Kickstarter page.
- Leave a message on the Kickstarter page (or an email to firstname.lastname@example.org) telling me who gets your vote or votes ($5 counts as one vote, $10 counts as two).
- We’ll be running the Kickstarter for thirty-eight days. Every two weeks, the lowest scoring three movies/series will be eliminated in entertainingly gory ways.
- Highest scoring three movies/series at the end of the month get reviewed. Simple as.
Mouse? I’m rich, and I believe the rules do not apply to me.
How can I get you to review a movie or series I want and skip all this foolishness?
A $25 dollar donation and I’m yours for the night, baby. That automatically gets you a review of any movie or episode of a TV series your heart desires. Anything at all. Doesn’t even have to be animated or a comic book movie. Anything. I will review a damn sexual harassment training video if you want.
What’ll you do for $40?
Oh what are you, a cop?
Ohhhhhkay… What if I buy a review for a movie or series that’s competing in the death match?
In the case of movies, if you give a $25 donation and request a movie that loses the deathmatch, you get the review anyway. If your movie wins the deathmatch then I will contact you and ask you for your second choice and you get two movies that you wanted reviewed instead of one. Fair enough?
In the case of a TV series that wins the deathmatch, I’ll review an extra episode for every person that gave a $25 donation for that series.
“And that, children, is how the Unshaved Mouse had to review Gravity Falls for the rest of his life.”
So, without further ado…LET’S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS!
Age: 24 (Now don’t YOU feel old?)
AKA: “DW”, “The Killer Bill”, “Ol’ Motherducker”
A grim spectre of the night, Darkwing Duck brings peerless martial arts skills and cutting edge gagetry to the deathmatch arena. Coming face to face with DW, many fighters will turn tail and run when they hear three words: “Let’s. Get. Dangerous.” ELIMINATED
AKA: “Dismemberer of the Night”
A savage and lethal combatant, Gargoyles swoops from the shadows, picking off unsuspecting opponents and tearing them to pieces before they have a chance to react. Temporarily allied with its Disney stablemates, how long can this fighter resist its own beastial nature before it turns on them? Not long. Not really…no, not long at all. Matter of minutes.
A Goofy Movie
Run Time: 78 minutes
AKA: “The Super Goofer Trouper”
In a very Disney-heavy field this perennially overlooked and disrespected film has nothing to lose and everything to prove. And that may just make him the most dangerous fighter of all. “You want to get nuts with Goofy!?” he yells through bloodied teeth “C’MON! LET’S GET NUTS!” ELIMINATED
Episodes: 38 and counting
AKA: “The Inevitable G”
No movie or series entered this contest with more hype. No other fighter has as much love from the crowd. And perhaps, no other fighter is as big a target or has as far to fall. Beloved though it may be, Gravity Falls should remember the fate of The Iron Giant, another highly popular fighter who was favoured to win and then got blown up by a nuke. Makes you think.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2
Run Time: 69 Minutes
AKA: “Ol’ Worse Than Cancer”
Guys, I’m just going to drop the schtick for a second. This movie can’t win. Do not let this movie win. Don’t be stupid now. This thing will be the death of us all.
Run Time: 132 minutes
AKA: “The very confused one”
“Help!” Pacific Rim yells, banging furiously on the bars of its cell “There’s been a terrible mistake! I’m not an animation or a comic book movie! I shouldn’t even be here! Let me out!”
“There is only one way out.” a wise old movie tells him “Win the crowd, and you will win your freedom.” ELIMINATED
AKA: “The Hanna Barbarians”
SWAT Kats steps into the arena with cutting edge weaponry, EXTREME ATTITUDE and a total disrespect for spelling convention. It’s like the nineties never went away, baby. ELIMINATED
Star Trek: The Animated Series
AKA: “The Terror From Beyond the Stars”
“Captain’s log, stardate…unknown. My crew and I have found ourselves transported to a strange alternate dimension where it appears we are to be made to fight for the amusement of beings of incredible power. Of course, the taking of sentient life in arena combat is barbaric and anathema to the code of any Starfleet officer but…well, that’s never stopped us before. Mr Spock, it’s time to choke a bitch.”
“Logical, Captain.” ELIMINATED
Episodes: 73 and counting
AKA: “Cruisin’ for a Fusion”
Another highly favoured fighter, Steven Universe will stop at nothing to win the Deathmatch and return Earth to Homeworld Gem control.
Run time: 114 Minutes
AKA: “Most Righteous Death Edge of the East”
Word of the Deathmatch has traveled even to the Far East. A lone warrior, masterless and taciturn, Summer Wars comes to test its skill against the mightiest warriors the West has to offer. Only then, will it finally be able to quell the rage that dwells within its heart.
The Lego Movie
Run Time: 100 Minutes
AKA: “The Brick Shithouse”
The youngest of our fighters, The Lego Movie eschews speed and skill for pure, brute power. As anyone who’s stepped on a lego brick barefoot in the dead of night can attest, Lego is lethal business.
Run Time: 73 Minutes
AKA: “Lean Green Machine”
Combining the techniques both old and new, Turtles Forever is an excellent all round fighter that just might have the skill and tenacity to come out on top. ELIMINATED
So there you have it. Head over to the Kickstarter page and let’s get some blood on the sand. Be sure to check in on 04 December to see who’s gone to their eternal reward.