Tar and Sugar Movies

Disney (Re)Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse#1: Snow White

I know, I know.

“What’s the point of this Mouse?” I hear you cry. Your feelings about this are probably the same as mine towards the Beauty and the Beast reboot; All questions of quality aside, who asked for this and why does it need to exist? Why do another review of Snow White when there are so many fantastic/terrible movies I haven’t had a chance to savour/suffer for your amusement/amusement? Well, a couple of reasons. Firstly, a confession.

When I initially reviewed Snow White back in 2012, I hadn’t seen it in literally years and I based my review on memories as faded and unreliable as an old VHS tape. I’m sorry, I was young, I was reckless. Mea Culpa. Second, oh my God, FUCK 2012 Mouse.

“Hey, listen man…”

“FUCK YOU!”

That guy was an asshole. So I thought that the fifth anniversary of the blog was a good opportunity to go back and revisit my first review and show that hack who’s boss. And lastly, because when I finally got Snow White on DVD I noticed something really enticing.

Oh yes. Oh yessssssss…

Yeah. You all thought that when I talked about Walt Disney being an immortal warlock it was just a bit. So how come there’s a DVD commentary by him when he SUPPOSEDLY DIED BEFORE DVDS WERE INVENTED?! HMM? HMMMMMMM??

“YOU FOOLS! YOU CALLED ME MAD!”

Alright let’s do this. Snow White versus Mouse 2. Place your bets.

(more…)

Video Reviews #5: Bambi

And I meant to post this earlier but Christmas got in my way.

Video Review #3: Fantasia

Video Reviews #2: Pinocchio

Video Reviews #1: Snow White

So now, not only do we have Erik Copper doing the audio versions of my reviews, Mauricio Guarua is doing video versions of Erik’s audio versions of my reviews. At this rate by next week we’ll have turned this thing into an all singing, all dancing musical and will be coming soon to a theatre near you. In the meantime though, please enjoy Mauricio’s/Erik’s/My review of Snow White:

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #5: Bambi

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE)

Bambi’s a weird one, isn’t it? It’s frequently ranked as one of the greatest animated movies of all time, and yet not many people seem to actually like it. I asked two people, both pretty big Disney fans, to watch it with me, and they both had the same reaction.

And to be honest, I kind of felt the same way. I hadn’t seen the movie since I was around eight and I couldn’t remember that much of it which is kind of weird for a start. I mean, most of these movies I can remember line for line, stored in the part of my brain that should be used for remembering the names of family members.

Hey! Uncle…I want to say…Bill?

(more…)

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #3: Fantasia

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to the audio version of this review HERE.)

Let me give you a sample of some of the comments I’ve been getting on Facebook in anticipation of this review.

“I look forward to reading what you make of Fantasia. The first film I saw in the cinema and still one of my favourites…”

“Looking forward to Fantasia. Changed my life; the Rite of Spring is still my favourite piece of music ever.”

“The saddest day of my life was when our copy of Fantasia got stuck in the VCR.”

“That movie got me into music!”

“I must have watched Fantasia a hundred times when I was a kid…”

“OMG FANTASIA IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME AND IF ANYONE WERE TO EVER SAY ANYTHING MEAN ABOUT IT I WOULD KILL MYSELF!!!”

Oh-ho-ho-hokay. Well, that’s wonderful. Really. I am just so gratified that this groundbreaking, unique and artistically vital film has such a strong and devoted following and I’m definitely not stalling for time because I’m terrified of admitting to you that…I…don’t…really…like…it.

Sorry.

“This the Snow White feller again?”
“Yessum.”
“Hey Zeke, how’s Martha?”
“Died three weeks ago.”
“Jesus! I’m so sorry!”
“Yessum. Lynchin’s all I live for now.”

(more…)

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #2: Pinocchio

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE.)

Growing up, I was what you might call a nervous child. Any time I watched a movie, cartoon or TV show, no matter how innocuous or innocent, the chances were I’d be watching through my fingers, ready to bolt for the door at a second’s notice. Why, you ask? Well, at a very young age I watched a movie that taught me that no matter how sweet and innocent something seems, there’s nothing to say that it won’t suddenly take a sharp turn into sheer, unrelenting TERROR. That movie is the subject of today’s review.

Words cannot express the psychological horror this movie inflicted on me. This movie is why I will never ride in a coach or visit an island. This movie is the reason that the phrase “as…BOYS!” is on my list of trigger words. This movie is why I was glad when it looked like the whales were going extinct in the eighties. This movie is why I sleep with a gun under my pillow and a set of grenades in my slippers. This movie is the reason my house is guarded by a Rottweiler that I’ve trained into believing that he’s Batman.

“Who’s a good boy?” “I am. I’m Batman. Batman’s a good boy. I’m so confused.”

(more…)

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse: #1 Snow White

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(Listen to the audio version of this review HERE.)

Okay, let’s get this out of the way right off the bat. Snow White is awful.

Well. He didn’t last long.

Wait wait wait! Let me explain. Snow White and the Seven ~~Dwarfs~~ ~~Dwarves~~ Dwarfs, the 1937 film that pioneered the feature length hand-drawn animated movie was and remains a seminal work of art whose influence on its genre and cinema in general cannot be overstated. But Snow White the character is…well…awful. She has no personality, because sweetness is not a personality, it’s a flavoring. She has no agency except when it involves cooking or cleaning for the nearest mammal with a dick and…oh my God…that voice. THAT VOICE! She sounds like Betty Boop but with this vibrating quality that suggests she’s hunting for moths in a pitch black cave.

She spends the first half of the movie either singing or talking in rhyme. Name me one movie character who talks in rhyme that you don’t want to punch in the face.