Charity Movie Deathmatch

Deathmatch 2017: Week 3

gaston

fritz

ursula

My my my. Three naughty, nasty little movies gone.

Six good, sweet little movies left. The remaining contenders:

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Death and Rebirth

Avatar: The Last Airbender

 

Daria

The Last Unicorn

The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2

Belle’s Magical World

Donate to the ACLU to ensure your favourite movie or series makes it to the final three.  Onward! For glory!

Deathmatch: Picnic of Blood!

picnic

meadow

naking-out

"What. The. HELL?"

“What. The. HELL?”

"What kind of deathmatch is this?! Why arent you killing each other?!"

“What kind of deathmatch is this?! Why aren’t you killing each other?!”

"But no ones voting for us! Everyones just being really generous and  buying reviews outright!"

“But no one’s voting for us! Everyone’s just being really generous and buying reviews outright!”

"Huh? Really?"

“Huh? Really?”

make-it-rain

"Aw, thats  awesome. But still...three of you gotta die. Um...you!"

“Aw, that’s awesome. But still…three of you gotta die. Um…you!”

"Ugh!"

“Ugh!”

"Urk!"

“Urk!”

"Noooo...I have so much to live for!"

“Noooo…I have so much to live for!”

"Hes crazy! Run for you lives!"

“He’s crazy! Run for you lives!”

"FLEE, YOU CELLULOID BASTARDS!"

“FLEE, YOU CELLULOID BASTARDS!”

(more…)

donnie

Deathmatch 2017: This aggression will not stand, man.

During the 2016 election there was considerable debate as to whether Donald Trump was simply a con man using nativist rhetoric to win the nomination and who would then swiftly abandon populism and ram through a hard-right platform designed to enrich the one percent, or whether he was actually the racist authoritarian that he played on TV. The answer turned out to be: “Yes.”

Things have gotten real bad, real fast and I think it’s clear that we are living in times that will have large, detailed chapters in future history books. I awoke this morning to learn that a close friend of mine is now banned from entering the United States purely because of her place of birth. The wall is being built. A white nationalist is now sitting on the National Security Council. The nation built by the poor, the tired and the huddled masses is refusing to admit refugees. The most powerful office in the world is less trusted and respected after eight days of Trump than after eight years of George W. Bush. I confess that I am deeply afraid.

As well as being afraid, I am angry, frustrated, appalled and sickened. But one thing I am not is despondent. I am not pessimistic. I am not disheartened.

not-today

Because the last week has reaffirmed what I already knew. The American people did not elect Trump. Trump was elected by a combination of fluke, a rotting and archaic electoral system, voter suppression and intervention by a hostile foreign power. The American people are the ones who voted for Hillary Clinton by a massive margin, who staged the largest demonstration in the nation’s history against Trump’s nascent kakistocracy and who are now fighting against the illegal detention of refugees at American airports.

The good outnumber the wicked and they always will.

This is a time when all people of good will must put whatever skills they have towards resisting Trump. For me, that means writing snarky reviews of movies which I will be the first to admit is not the most obviously useful skill in an anti-fascist resistance movement.

But that is why this year’s Unshaved Mouse Charity Movie Deathmatch is in aid of the American Civil Liberties Union.

So, how does the Deathmatch work?

  1. Make a donation of $5 or $10 to the ACLU.
  2. Email your receipt to unshavedmouse@gmail.com letting me know which movie or series gets your vote (a 5 dollar donation counts as one vote, 10 counts for two)
  3. Deathmatch runs all through February. Every two weeks, the lowest scoring three movies/series will be eliminated in ways not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.
  4. Highest scoring three movies/series at the end of the month get reviewed and get to go home to their loved ones.

Mouse, I’m wealthy, I’m charitable and I want you to review something NOW.

A $35 dollar donation gets you any movie or episode of a TV show reviewed that you like. $60 gets you two. $100 gets you four and quite possibly a statue somewhere when this all blows over.

What if I buy a review for a movie or series that’s competing in the death match?

In the case of movies, if you give a $35 donation and request a movie that loses the deathmatch, you get the review anyway. If your movie wins the deathmatch then I will contact you and ask you for your second choice and you get two movies that you wanted reviewed instead of one. Fair enough?

In the case of a TV series  that wins the deathmatch, I’ll review an extra episode for every person that gave a $35 donation for that series.

Boring stuff done, so let’s MEET OUR FIGHTERS!

(more…)

2016

Merry Christmas

And so, as 2016 leaves the smouldering ruins behind and returns to the ocean from whence it came, I emerge from hibernation to wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Be safe, be happy, be loved and, as Abraham Lincoln once said:

Image result for party on dudes abraham lincoln

 

The script’s going really well but I miss you all, and I’m looking forward to getting back on the blog horse in February. Something that a lot of people have been asking me is when I’m going to do another Charity Movie Deathmatch and, much as I’d love to, I’m STILL working through the reviews from the last one and amn’t due to finish those until July. So, obviously, the only way I could do another Deathmatch would be if I was the kind of mouse who had a history of taking on huge projects while stile struggling to finish his existing ones…

"Oh right. I’m me.”

“Oh right. I’m me.”

 

LET DEATHMATCH BEGIN!!!!!

(more…)

Movie Deathmatch: The Final Reckoning

And so, as another year ends we face the aftermath of another Movie Deathmatch. Dammit, we must build a better world. When will the killing end?
So, as you all know, this time around I was trying to raise money for Joanna VR, a filmed version of my play for virtual reality. We were aiming to raise €12,500. We got around €3,000.
castle
Meh. It happens. We’ll sit down, work out where we go from here, figure out a new way to do it and try again. All part of the process and not one you guys have to worry about. What does concern you is the results and here they are. The winners of the increasingly misnamed Unshaved Mouse Charity Movie Deathmatch 2015 are:
3. Steven Universe
 
2. Gravity Falls.
 
1. The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2
Wrong winner
Oh wait. Sorry, sorry.
No, first place was actually Gargoyles. Yeah. And for those of you agitating in the comments to get people to vote for Hunchback 2? I have a list. And I will find you.
New_York_Weenie_A_Mickey_Mouse_Cartoon_Disney_Shows
Stories will be told around campfires.
Huge thanks to everyone who voted. Also, special thanks to people who gave larger donations and requested reviews outright. They were Alex Hu, Martha Brady, Michael Tyndall, JBull, Roger Courtney, Adrienne Gallagher and my brothers John, Eamonn and Donal Sharpson who donated just to make sure that I have to review three of the WORST FUCKING MOVIES OF ALL TIME. Thanks to all of you (except the last three) and if there’s anyone I’ve overlooked please let me know in the comments ASAP.
Happy new year everybody.
Mouse out

Movie Deathmatch Part 2: Blood everywhere

Gravity Falls

Goof movie

Steven universe

Pacific rim

Star Trek

Star Trek the Animated Series, Pacific Rim and A Goofy Movie have now all been killed. Would you like to know which of them were cowards? If you want the movies and TV series below to escape the same grisly fate, you know what you gotta do: head over to the Joanna VR Kickstarter  page, make a donation of five or ten and leave a comment to let me know who gets your vote of vote. And remember, for a vote of €25 or more you can request a review of any movie or tv show you like. The remaining fighters are:

Gargoyles

Gravity Falls

The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2

Stephen Universe

Summer Wars

The Lego Movie

Voting closes 31 December when I will be putting up the winners. Thanks for all your support guys.

Charity Movie Deathmatch: At last, the madness ends…

Balto Fett

Sarlaac

Iron Giant Rides the Bomb

Drop your sword

“Drop. Your. Sword.”

Fritz sitting down

"Shall I dispatch him for you?"

“Shall I dispatch him for you?”

"No, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice."

“No, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.”

Well, the 2015 Unshaved Mouse Charity Movie Deathmatch has finally come to a close.

Now, we must rebuild.

Huge thanks to everyone who donated (I’ll let you know how much we raised when I’ve counted everything up) and here are the four movies that will be reviewed:

3rd Place: Fievel Goes West & Secret of Nimh (tied)

2nd Place: Fritz the Cat

1st Place: Watership Down

 

CHARITY MOVIE DEATHMATCH: ROUND 2!

Face off

Blood on Snow

Kung Fu Panda

Boromir

Lurtz

Quint

Guys, I’m not sure we can keep doing this. I mean, the carnage we’ve seen in the last week…it gives the word “deathmatch” a bad name!

Week 2 is over and Kung Fu Panda, Maleficent and Land Before Time have all been dispatched to the big cinema in the sky. Our remaining and increasingly nervous fighters are:

Balto

An American Tail 2: Fievel Goes West

Fritz the Cat

The Secret of Nimh

The Iron Giant

Watership Down

Only YOU can save your favourite movie and ensure it gets a review by donating any sum, small or large to Love Without Boundaries and email your receipt to unshavedmouse@gmail.com along with your vote. Now let battle resume!

I love this, God help me I do.

 

Charity Movie Deathmatch: FIRST BLOOD!

CMD1

CMD2

CMD3

CMD4

CMD5

CMD6

Oh, did you think we were playing? You thought this was a game? Perhaps now the stakes are a little clearer. Shrek? DEAD. How to Train Your Dragon 2? Wyrm-food. All Dogs Go To Heaven? For his sake, you’d better hope so.

The remaining movies are:

Balto

An American Tail 2: Fievel Goes West

Fritz the Cat

Kung Fu Panda

The Land Before Time

Maleficent

The Secret of Nimh

The Iron Giant

Watership Down

Don’t want your favorite movie to go down like these punks? Or maybe your favourite is already dead and you want payback? You know how it works. Donate any sum, small or large to Love With Boundaries. Email your receipt to unshavedmouse@gmail.com with your vote.

Now let the games continue!!! BLOOD!

Charity Movie Deathmatch: FIGHT!

For the month of February on Unshaved Mouse we are running the Charity Movie Deathmatch and I need YOU (yes you, no, not you, the person behind you. Yes. You.) to make it as big a success as possible. Here’s how it works.
 
Below are the twelve movies that readers of this blog expressed the most interest in me reviewing. Here’s how to play.
 
  1. Go to this year’s charity, Love Without Boundaries, and make a donation, small or large. Love Without Boundaries provides vital services to Chinese orphaneges and is ranked four out of a possible four stars on Charity Navigator.
  2. Email me your receipt to unshavedmouse@gmail.com together with your choice of movie (movie. Singular. Although you can donate and vote as many times as you like for as many different movies as you like). Remember: Generosity is your weapon.
  3. The three lowest scoring movies will be eliminated on the 13th and again on the 20rd with the highest scoring three movies at the end of the month getting reviewed.
 
Simple right? And now, let’s meet the movies that will be brawling to the death for your entertainment.
 
AllDogsGotoHeaven
All Dogs Go to Heaven
 
Studio: Sullivan Bluth
Age: 26
Runtime: 85 Minutes
AKA: “The Rabid Redeemer”, “Ol’ Killer.”
 
ELIMINATED
Balto_movie_poster
 
Balto
 
Studio: Amblin Entertainment
Age: 20
Runtime: 77 minutes
AKA: “The Disast-ah from Alaska”
 
Younger, hungrier, leaner, Balto is probably what keeps All Dogs go to Heaven up at night. If they could put their differences aside however, these two canine-themes movies might be unstoppable and both get a spot in the final three. Regardless, Balto will be a formidable opponent, with plenty of support from the crowd and a reputation for being able to go that final mile.
American_tail_fievel_goes_west
 
Fievel Goes West
 
Studio: Amblin Entertainment
Age: 24
Runtime: 74 minutes
AKA: “The Don’t-Suck Sequel”
 
An immigrant kid with a tough upbringing, Fievel Goes West has battled his whole life against anti-sequel prejudice. Now, he takes that fight to the ring with everything on the line. Fievel Goes West is battling to support a family of less successful sequels and so cannot afford to show mercy to his opponents. If they die, they die.
 
220px-Fritz_the_Cat_(film)
Fritz the Cat
 
Studio: Various
Age: 43
Runtime: 80 Minutes
AKA: “Fritz the Blitz”, “The X-Rated Executioner”
 
The oldest fighter in this year’s death-match is a heel through and through, bribing referees, using illegal moves and feeding on the hatred of the crowd. That hatred may be his greatest asset. The question is, who do the fans want to suffer more? The Cat, or the Mouse?
How_to_Train_Your_Dragon_2_poster
 
How to Train Your Dragon 2
 
Studio: Dreamworks
Age: 1
Runtime: 102 minutes
AKA: “Babyface”
 
ELIMINATED
 
Layout 1
Kung Fu Panda
 
Studio: Dreamworks
Age: 7
Runtime: 92 Minutes
AKA: “The Beast from the East”
 
ELIMINATED
 
The_Land_Before_Time_poster
The Land Before Time
 
Studio: Sullivan Bluth
Age: 27
Runtime: 79 Minutes
AKA: “Extinction Event”
ELIMINATED
Maleficent_poster
Maleficent
 
Studio: Disney
Age: 1
Runtime: 97 Minutes
AKA:  “The Mistress of All Evil Morally Ambigous Anti-Heroism”, 
 
ELIMINATED
The_Secret_of_NIMH
The Secret of Nimh
Studio: Don Bluth Productions
Age: 32
Runtime: 82 Minutes
AKA: “Mouse of Pain”
Rounding out the trio of Don Bluth movies competing for a spot, Secret of Nimh may be the most formidable contender of them all. It’s not unknown for movies to enter the ring, see who they’re up against and say “Nah. Forget it. I quit. Yes, I know it’s a deathmatch. Just make it quick.”
Shrek
Shrek
 
Studio: Dreamworks
Age: 14
Runtime: 90 Minutes
AKA: “The Glaswegian Dandy”
ELIMINATED
The_Iron_Giant_poster
The Iron Giant
Age: 16
Runtime: 87 Minutes
AKA: “The Furious Fe”
Beloved by children, feared by his enemies, this gentle giant understands that as a role model he has to set an example. “STAY IN SCHOOL, EARTH-SPAWN!” he bellows as he crushes yet another challenger beneath his cold metallic heel.
220px-Movie_poster_watership_down
Watership Down
Age: 37
Runtime: 101 minutes
AKA: “The Black Rabbit of Inlé”, “The Tharninantor”
It’s a movie about bunnies. How tough can it be? Has been the last thought of too many movies to count.
***
Charity Movie Deathmatch will be running all through February 2015. Please donate whatever you can, big or small and vot for your favourite movie. And don’t forget to share on Facebook and Twitter and the backs of the heads of passing bald people.
See ya at the final bout.