Month: March 2014

Cars 2 (2011)

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

Previously on Unshaved Mouse:

Transformed into a rodent at a young age because of his inability to appreciate Beauty and the Beast by Walt Disney (who, as well as being the most influential figure in American animation, the legendary entrepreneur behind Disneyland and an icon of the twentieth century is ALSO a half mad immortal warlock with a broom fixation), the Unshaved Mouse began a quest to review all of the Disney animated canon classics. However, he strayed from the path destiny had set out for him and began reviewing non-Disney films which allowed for his arch-nemesis, the Horned King to be resurrected. Masquerading as the Mouse’s psychiatrist, Doctor Ernst Fiedelman, the Horned King has used his hypnotic powers to force the Mouse to review Pixar’s legendarily not-so-great Cars movies. And now you know why this blog gets a mention on TV Tropes’ “Continuity Lockout” page. Now read on!

“Hey Europe, do you think Mouse is alright? He’s been in there a long time.”

“HEY! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HEEEEEEELP!”

“Do you hear that?”

“Oh no, Mouse is screaming like a lunatic. How unusual. Get back to work!”

“Yeah. He does scream a lot.”

Do it Mouse! Review the movie!

Look…

How about you just kill me? Seriously? What’s with all this faffing around? You’re obviously going to do it anyway, just do it. Why do you need me to review movies for you? It just seems like such an inefficient…

NOW.

No one expected a sequel to Cars. After that movie came out is was as if, as a society, we agreed to pretend that it wasn’t that bad. Critics tutted and wrote “must try harder” before giving the thing a passing grade and hoping that this was just a fluke. It was, we told ourselves, not a portent of things to come. Pixar had just stumbled a little. It was fine. We would forgive and forget. As long as they did not do that again. That was the deal. And as time went on, it seemed our faith was rewarded; Ratatouille, Wall-E, Up and Toy Story 3 put paid to any rumours of a Pixar decline. Decline? Are you kidding me? Those guys were better than ever! And then, one terrible day, we woke to a world with Cars 2 in it where once no Cars 2 had been.

We had a DEAL, you whimsical motherfuckers.

So…how did we get to this point? How is it that what is universally recognised as the worst original Pixar movie has spawned a sequel, with another in the works and a spinoff which in turn has its own sequel in the works. Why is this thing, for want of a better word metastasizing?

Because they can’t stop. They’re making too much money off it now. Bob Iger announced Cars 3 at Disney’s shareholders meeting to assure them that yes, they will keep doing the thing that makes the money happen. And I don’t begrudge them making a profit off their work. Not a bit. And I certainly don’t have a problem with licensed merchandise (can I gauge interest in “LAZY BASTARD KOOKABURRAS” T-Shirts?). But when you start making movies just to sell the toys, you might as well just change your name to Filmation and call it a day.

They began making ads, they will end making ads. And so the circle of life continues.

(more…)

Help me out guys, a Beyonce is what now?

America, I love you. I do. Love your movies, your music, the powdered wigs of your founding fathers and I have never met an American who was not a thoroughly decent skin. But this TMZ shit has got to stop. Seriously, you guys need to cut that out.

So if you can’t see the video, it basically consists of the barking seals of TMZ expressing shock and disbelief that Jay-Z and Beyonce were able to take their daughter for a walk in the Phoenix Park in Dublin without getting mobbed. Clearly, the only reason could be (and yeah, the gobshite who suggests this in the video does seem to be Irish himself) was because these poor potato munchers didn’t know who my man Hove and Queen B actually are. Not because, you know, hassling celebrities when they’re out with their kids is kind of a shitty thing to do. No clearly there’s something wrong with us. Like, as a nation. But worry not, TMZ has not given up on us and even envisions that we may actually know who they are in “fifteen years or so”.

I was going to do a big lengthy response to this but I seem to have gone blind with rage. But fortunately, the guys at Collegetimes.com summed it up perfectly. Enjoy.

Cars (2006)

“Sigh.”

“You seem depressed Mouse. What is troubling you?”

“Doctor? Do you ever get…urges?”

“Ah. Well, at last we are coming to the heart of the matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your inability to come to terms with your sexuality is the root cause of all your psychoses. This is great progress. Tell me about the fish.”

“What? No, no. It’s not that.”

“Well, back to square ein.”

“For the last few weeks I’ve been having these insane urges to review Cars. But I hate that movie. I hate it so much.”

“And how does this make you feel?”

“I don’t know. Guilty, maybe?”

“Why guilty?”

“Because deep down I know there are movies that are much worse, movies that I even enjoy. But I hate this movie more than all of them and maybe it’s just not as bad as I remember.”

“And why do you think that?”

“Well, because it’s Pixar! I mean, it can’t be that bad, right?”

“Mouse, our course is clear. Your subconscious is telling you to review this movie with an open mind. Come. Let us begin. I shall be with you every step of the way.”

“Siiiiiiiiiigh.”

What am I doing? The first Pixar movie I review on this blog and it’s Cars. That’s like finally deciding to see what all the fuss is about this James Bond guy and watching Die Another Day. A question I get asked a lot on this blog is “Why don’t you review the Pixar movies?” and the simple answer is they’re just too good. The canon Disney movies have a nice mix of classics, forgotten gems and duds to keep things interesting. But Pixar’s record of quality is just so high that I honestly think I’d struggle to keep the reviews varied and interesting. Except for Cars. I’ve always hated Cars. I’m always LOATHED Cars. But that’s just based on one viewing of it years ago and I’d like to think I’ve matured a lot as a connoisseur of animation since those days. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I judged it too harshly as so many of you in the comments keep telling me?

Maybe hell has frozen over? Maybe pigs can soar, soar like the mighty eagle?

Alright, so a little background. Cars was released in 2006, after The Incredibles and before Ratatouille. It was directed by John Lasseter himself and Joe Ranft, who died before the movie was released in a car accident, ironically enough.

“That’s not what “irony”means!”

Oh Nit. “Irony” doesn’t actually mean anything, it’s just a word people say.

A version of this story was knocking around Pixar as early as the completion of A Bug’s Life in 1998, and it was originally about an electric car in a world of gas guzzlers. As time went on it got postponed and reworked before finally getting released as Cars eight years later. And if that sounds like a long development time, remember that Disney is still releasing movies based on ideas they were toying with in the frickin’ forties.

Coming Summer 2034.

Because Cars merchandise basically conjures money from the ether for Disney/Pixar, it’s viewed by some fans as a sell-out movie, a vulgar cashgrab. That’s…probably unfair. From what I’ve read, for Lasseter Cars was a genuine labour of love, combining his two greatest passions, cars and animation. Well, as we’ve already established here on Unshaved Mouse, nothing works better than taking two things you love and merging them together in an ungodly fusion to appall both God and man.

Pictured: Cars.

Let’s take a look at the movie.

(more…)

Check this guy out!

The audio review of Make Mine Music is now ready for your eager ear holes and can be listened to HERE. Video review soon to follow. Also, we got any Doctor Who fans in the house? ‘Cos Erik’s got a new blog called The Doctor Dies at the End, looking at how each episode of modern Who would play out if the Doctor died, with the exception of “Turn Left”, where he will be looking at what would happen if the Doctor lived. And if you get that joke, then it’s the blog for you.

The Saga Ends…

I’ve been remiss in my duties I’m afraid. Due to me actually (gasp!) writing over the last few weeks I’ve not been updating episodes of the Goo like I’d planned. So here are the final two episodes.

Episode 4 is HERE, and Episode 5 is HERE. Please watch, share and tell your friends. It’s a great series and plus, Dave’s a mate and I owe him for that time he saved me from a rabid banshee.

And now, for the last time, please read your nationality appropriate recommendation.

For Non-Irish Readers

As we enter the penultimate and final installments of the Goo, this towering work has so many questions yet to answer. Will Dave and Jonesy manage to escape the deathtrap that addiction has built around them? Will they emerge from this ordeal with even the barest trace of their humanity intact? Will they finally discover the identity of the mysterious Yellow King? But perhaps that’s not the point. The Goo is not about providing easy answers. The Goo is about the questions that we must ask oursevles. The Goo is the mirror held up to our faces, our own unblinking reflection staring back at us, always questioning. Can you meet its gaze?

Can any of us?

For Irish Readers

Sound.