Captain America is old school. Real old school. One of the very earliest generation of superheroes who has managed to remain not only relevant but arguably more popular than ever…
Where is everyone?
“C’mon guys, we got a review to do!”
“Fuck you, mazerunner!”
“We don’t review movies on April 1st. We told you this.”
“Yeah dawg, this mo-fawkin day is like your personal “Friday 13th done knocked up Halloween and this here’s there ugly-ass day baby.” day”
“We all know what’s going to happen. Horned King or BluCatt or one of the bajillion evil dudes you’ve managed to piss off will make you review something terrible and who suffers?”
“US! So I refer you my previous “Fuck you mazerunner!” Good day!”
“I said “good day” sir!”
Guys c’mon. That was the old Mouse. This blog has become a lot more serious since I started reviewing Marvel movies. As the movies have become more mature, I say, so too has Mouse. Look, today’s movie is Captain America: The Original Avenger. It’s a great film, nothing bad’s going to…
“Don’t you mean “first” Avenger?”
“No, look, it says here right on the cover…”
Wait. That’s not Chris Evans and his boyish blue eyes that would melt your heart.
“Mouse. Sit down. Our game is about to begin.”
“Please. Please. Red Skull is fine. I have come to collect on that favour you owe me.”
“I owe you a favour?”
“Of course. I allowed you to review How to Train Your Dragon and now you must do something for me. You must review 1990’s Captain America, one of the worst Marvel movies ever made!”
“Shock! Gasp! That thing you said would never happen happened!”
“Skull. You forget who you’re talking to. I’ve reviewed Foodfight. Your nineties Golan-Globus schlock has no power over me.”
“Then come. And let us see if this snark of yours is stronger than my hate.”
So I hope no one will object if I skip the historical overview and earnest analysis of Captain America as a character until the next review? When I review a Captain America movie that wasn’t assembled by meth-addicted gibbons? Brilliant, let’s crack on.