“What’s the point of this Mouse?” I hear you cry. Your feelings about this are probably the same as mine towards theBeauty and the Beast reboot; All questions of quality aside, who asked for this and why does it need to exist? Why do another review of Snow Whitewhen there are so many fantastic/terrible movies I haven’t had a chance to savour/suffer for your amusement/amusement? Well, a couple of reasons. Firstly, a confession.
When I initially reviewed Snow White back in 2012, I hadn’t seen it in literally years and I based my review on memories as faded and unreliable as an old VHS tape. I’m sorry, I was young, I was reckless. Mea Culpa. Second, oh my God, FUCK 2012 Mouse.
“Hey, listen man…”
That guy was an asshole. So I thought that the fifth anniversary of the blog was a good opportunity to go back and revisit my first review and show that hack who’s boss. And lastly, because when I finally got Snow White on DVD I noticed something really enticing.
Oh yes. Oh yessssssss…
Yeah. You all thought that when I talked about Walt Disney being an immortal warlock it was just a bit. So how come there’s a DVD commentary by him when he SUPPOSEDLY DIED BEFORE DVDS WERE INVENTED?! HMM? HMMMMMMM??
“YOU FOOLS! YOU CALLED ME MAD!”
Alright let’s do this. Snow White versus Mouse 2. Place your bets.
Seven years is not that long a time. Seven years ago we got the first of the Star Trek reboot movies, Michael Jackson died and Jay Z and Alicia Keyes released Empire State of Mind. Not exactly ancient history. Go back and watch Steamboat Willie. Now watch Music Land released by Disney a mere seven years later.
So what the hell, right? How did we get from that to that in a mere seven years?
Okay, let’s get this out of the way right off the bat. Snow White is awful.
Well. He didn’t last long.
Wait wait wait! Let me explain. Snow White and the Seven DwarfsDwarves Dwarfs, the 1937 film that pioneered the feature length hand-drawn animated movie was and remains a seminal work of art whose influence on its genre and cinema in general cannot be overstated. But Snow White the character is…well…awful. She has no personality, because sweetness is not a personality, it’s a flavoring. She has no agency except when it involves cooking or cleaning for the nearest mammal with a dick and…oh my God…that voice. THAT VOICE! She sounds like Betty Boop but with this vibrating quality that suggests she’s hunting for moths in a pitch black cave.
She spends the first half of the movie either singing or talking in rhyme. Name me one movie character who talks in rhyme that you don’t want to punch in the face.