“So Mouse, are you going to review “Planes”? Ha ha ha ha?”

Yeah, I’ve been getting this question a lot (oddly enough, always with the same mocking supervillain laughter). So, will I be reviewing Pixar’s Disney’s You Take It! No, You Take IT! Okay fine Disney’s Planes. Hmmm…tough one. Will I be reviewing the tossed off, cash-in, almost direct-to-DVD spinoff to what is, without question, one of my least favourite animated movies of all time?

And while that is soooooo tempting, I think we’re all forgetting the rules. Remember, back when I embarked on this little saga all the way back in the mists of prehistory? Your grasp of archaic, 2012-era English may be a little rusty so let me sum up; No live action films, no straight to DVD movies and no Pixar films. Only the canon classics.

So, can't. Love to. But can't.

So, can’t. Love to. But can’t.

Also, that movie is not getting my money. Not when there’s less morally questionable enterprises to be giving my money to. Like blood diamond smuggling cartels. Or NAMBLA.

It is Thursday though, and I do really want your support for the second week of voting for the Irish Blog Awards 2013 (Please vote Song of the South for Best Blog Post thank you so much close bracket!)

So, as a consolation, I will share with you now:

The 25 Things the Unshaved Mouse would do before reviewing Planes.

1) Desecrate a stained glass window.

2) French kiss a skunk.

3) Skunk kiss a Frenchman.  (Don’t google it)

4) Act disrespectfully to a lady.

5) Kick a dog that wasn’t asking for it in some way.

6) Take a ball to the groin.

7) Take a groin to the balls.

8) Eat broken glass.

9) Eat Philip Glass.

10) Eat broken Philip Glass after a horrific plane crash where he broke every bone in his body and I had to eat him to survive and also his body was full of broken glass from the crash.

11) Get in a plane with Philip Glass.

12) Hire The Coachman as a babysitter.

13) Puppets. Just…puppets.

14) Stop using the phrase “Screw off”.

15) Say “Candyman” five times in a mirror while watching the video from The Ring while simultaneously having sex with Pinhead’s wife.

16) Marathon Pocahontas, Aristocats, Black Cauldron and Three Caballeros in one sitting.

17) Defenestrate a monk.

18) Tell local ex-IRA hardman Kneecaps “They call me Kneecaps because of all the kneecaps I’ve smashed” Malone that he looks “kind of English” today.

19)  Michael Eisner was right. Traditional animation is no longer viable and it’s time for us all to just accept that CGI is the superior technique. Is a thing I would rather say than review Planes.

20) Review Planes. Yes, you read that right. I hate it so much I would rather review Planes than review  Planes.

21) Climb into Rush Limbaugh’s house in the middle of the night and, while he sleeps, tuck myself in between two layers of flab, spending the night cocooned within him, slowly soaking in his sweat and odour.

22) Waxing of the barse.

23) Pistol whip a ferret.

24) Let you, my loyal readers, down in any way.

25) Unless not letting you down means reviewing Planes, in which case you can screw off.

In conclusion, no. I will most likely not be reviewing Planes. I will however, be reviewing Mulan, so I look forward to seeing you on the 5th of September.



      1. one time i did something similar to number 16, except it was the lord of the rings movies, mary poppins… 11 hours of my life well spent

  1. At the risk of provoking number 4… you have a child. You’ve already taken a groin to the balls.

  2. Well, it is great that you did not fall for the bait; whoever asked you that was mean.

    I am glad that you are enjoying a vacation from blogging (I should soon), and I am looking forward to your Mulan review. You had me laughing through the entire post.

  3. I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with me for enjoying Planes. Though I’m also a fan of Cars (Cars 2 sucked so I haven’t completely lost it.) Everyone seems to not just hate it but despise it.

    1. Yes. You’re bad and you should feel bad. Kidding of course. Everyone has one bad movie that everyone hates but that somehow works its way into their heart. I actually quite like the nineties Godzilla.

      1. I actually liked cars, and felt the pain of losing the “mother road.” Of course, it may be that when I see the movie, all I think about is Seligman, AZ which served as the basis for Radiator Springs.

        Also when I hear the song “Life is a Highway,” I can name what state and geographic location its supposed to be, all the way up to Arizona.

        This may be also due to the fact that I’m an American truck driver and drove it myself a number of times.

        Which reminds me of the time…

  4. Usually I just read and lurk (and vote), but: I am a classical musician and when I got to Philip Glass I completely lost my shit. That was a thing of beauty, and I thank you.

  5. Hey Mouse! Love the blog. I’m still back on the Aristocats review, but I’m loving every review. xD Your humor is great, and every review is a class-act.

    But I’m here with a question.

    Have you ever considered accompanying your posts with an audio version of the post? I like to think it’d bring a nice voice to the project. xD I figured it’d be cool, but you might not be up for it, so I recorded a sample of me reading the Snow White review if you like the idea, but want someone ELSE to do it. https://app.box.com/s/mpc1v7cuqfrfcm5nxzpj

    I’d do it for free, of course.

    Stay awesome!


    1. Erik, really sorry I haven’t responded to you yet. I’m just working like a mad thing to get this Tarzan review done at the moment. When I get a chance I’ll listen to this and let you know. Sorry again.

      1. It’s totally fine! I understand completely. xD Reviewing Disney is a big undertaking, and getting further in to the more recent movies will make everything a lot more difficult. Take your time, please. xD I’m perfectly okay with waiting. : D

      2. Hi dude. Okay, so, so sorry I haven’t gotten back to you before now. Last few months have been insane and if I’m honest I was kind of dreading listening to it in case it sucked. Fortunately. It does not suck. At all. It’s like, crazy good. You’ve got a great delivery, you’ve reworked the visual gags very well (although how you’re going to keep it up with some of the later reviews I have no idea). But, all in all, it’s really good. Go with my blessing my son.

      3. I’m glad you liked it. xD Do you have any contact info you could divulge to me (you can email it to me: rantsinrap@gmail.com) so I can give you the recordings for each review as I finish them? Also, would you be adding them to your posts, or would I have to post them in the comments of every section?

      4. Well, I recorded the Pinocchio and Fanatasia one just today, and I can probably get two or three done in a day, maybe more depending on how fast I can get the others done.

      5. Okay cool. I’llsend you an email tonight and you can send me the links. I’ll put up a post on Thursday when the most people will see it and I’ll embed the links in the existing reviews. Sound good?

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