Yeah, I’ve been getting this question a lot (oddly enough, always with the same mocking supervillain laughter). So, will I be reviewing
Pixar’s Disney’s You Take It! No, You Take IT! Okay fine Disney’s Planes. Hmmm…tough one. Will I be reviewing the tossed off, cash-in, almost direct-to-DVD spinoff to what is, without question, one of my least favourite animated movies of all time?
And while that is soooooo tempting, I think we’re all forgetting the rules. Remember, back when I embarked on this little saga all the way back in the mists of prehistory? Your grasp of archaic, 2012-era English may be a little rusty so let me sum up; No live action films, no straight to DVD movies and no Pixar films. Only the canon classics.
Also, that movie is not getting my money. Not when there’s less morally questionable enterprises to be giving my money to. Like blood diamond smuggling cartels. Or NAMBLA.
It is Thursday though, and I do really want your support for the second week of voting for the Irish Blog Awards 2013 (Please vote Song of the South for Best Blog Post thank you so much close bracket!)
So, as a consolation, I will share with you now:
The 25 Things the Unshaved Mouse would do before reviewing Planes.
1) Desecrate a stained glass window.
2) French kiss a skunk.
3) Skunk kiss a Frenchman. (Don’t google it)
4) Act disrespectfully to a lady.
5) Kick a dog that wasn’t asking for it in some way.
6) Take a ball to the groin.
7) Take a groin to the balls.
8) Eat broken glass.
9) Eat Philip Glass.
10) Eat broken Philip Glass after a horrific plane crash where he broke every bone in his body and I had to eat him to survive and also his body was full of broken glass from the crash.
11) Get in a plane with Philip Glass.
12) Hire The Coachman as a babysitter.
13) Puppets. Just…puppets.
14) Stop using the phrase “Screw off”.
15) Say “Candyman” five times in a mirror while watching the video from The Ring while simultaneously having sex with Pinhead’s wife.
16) Marathon Pocahontas, Aristocats, Black Cauldron and Three Caballeros in one sitting.
17) Defenestrate a monk.
18) Tell local ex-IRA hardman Kneecaps “They call me Kneecaps because of all the kneecaps I’ve smashed” Malone that he looks “kind of English” today.
19) Michael Eisner was right. Traditional animation is no longer viable and it’s time for us all to just accept that CGI is the superior technique. Is a thing I would rather say than review Planes.
20) Review Planes. Yes, you read that right. I hate it so much I would rather review Planes than review Planes.
21) Climb into Rush Limbaugh’s house in the middle of the night and, while he sleeps, tuck myself in between two layers of flab, spending the night cocooned within him, slowly soaking in his sweat and odour.
22) Waxing of the barse.
23) Pistol whip a ferret.
24) Let you, my loyal readers, down in any way.
25) Unless not letting you down means reviewing Planes, in which case you can screw off.
In conclusion, no. I will most likely not be reviewing Planes. I will however, be reviewing Mulan, so I look forward to seeing you on the 5th of September.