Bill Maher on the death of Santa Claus

The guy who, for millennia, has flown around the world every Christmas to give presents to small children out of the goodness of his heart is dead, and America is in mourning. Deep, deep mourning for a man who inspired millions to, I don’t know, give each other gifts, I guess. Someone on Reddit posted, “I’m so incredibly grateful I lived in a world that included Santa Claus.” Personally, I’m grateful I lived in a world that included oxygen and trees, and an entertainment industry where you can become a millionaire despite looking like your face was dunked in batter by an angry spouse, but to each his own. Now, I have nothing against gifts – I was given them now and then when I was a kid and I had kept my promise to stop torturing the dog. But the assumption everyone had back then, both the adults and the kids, was that gifts were for kids, and when you grew up you moved on to big-boy things like cocaine and never getting married because that’s a form of slavery.

But then two thousand years or so ago, something happened – adults decided they didn’t have to give up kid stuff. And so they pretended that gifts were actually something that grown up people give each other to express human emotions like gratitude and friendship and love. And because America has over 4,500 colleges – which means we need more professors than we have smart people – some dumb people got to be professors by writing theses with titles like All of the Other Reindeer-Rudolf as a metaphor for exclusion in the LGBT community. And now when adults are forced to do grown-up things like buy auto insurance, they call it “adulting,” and act like it’s some giant struggle.

This is all Santa Claus’ fault somehow.

I’m not saying we’ve necessarily gotten stupider although we definitely have and I, Bill Maher, am very smart and would make an excellent king. The average Joe is smarter in a lot of ways than he was in, say, the years before Santa Claus, when a big night out was dying of dysentry and a Carmen Miranda musical. The problem is, we’re using our smarts on stupid stuff.

I don’t think it’s a huge stretch to suggest that Donald Trump could only get elected in a country that thinks Santa Claus was important, and as an entitled white male who’s constantly been rewarded for being a loud-mouthed asshole with ever greater money fame and influence I think I know what I’m talking about . I mean, Santa Claus? What’s he ever done for anybody? Has he embodied the worst caricatures of the liberal elite by basically embodying the Token Evil Atheist from a Left Behind movie? Has he aided the cultural polarisation of an entire nation?

Fuck Santa Claus, I hope he burns.

22 comments

  1. As much as I dislike Bill Maher, I was going to ask to what we owe the pleasure of this post. Then I saw the tags. Well put.

      1. Okay now having read the context in a Huffpost article, Jesus Christ, what an asshole. I hate that my parents watch this guy. He’s the worst kind of liberal. There is nothing wrong with liking comic books.
        Honestly, hating Santa at least you can make an argument there. But comics haven’t been “just for kids” for a good long while now.

  2. “But the assumption everyone had back then, both the adults and the kids, was that comics were for kids, and when you grew up you moved on to big-boy books without the pictures. ”

    Oboy, if we are talking about other assumptions everyone had back when Bill Maher was a young ‘un, then we’ll be opening such a huge can of worms…

    This is literal ‘Old Man Yells at Cloud’ stuff. ‘Back in my day, when everyone and everything was better and assholes NEVER were elected as presidents…’

    1. We don’t even have to look at other people’s assumptions. He is quite open about being pro-racial profiling. We just have to look at what he says.

  3. Ugh, this guy.

    I used to like him, when I was about fifteen and “New Rules” seemed edgy. Is there anyone on the planet who is not embarrassed by the person they were when they went through their “being an edgy asshole is cool and funny” phase?

    Answer: Bill Maher isn’t, he’s been paying his bills with that shtick for decades.

  4. It makes me sad how much the internet has contributed in validating edge-lords like Bill Maher, but here’s hoping people will soon start realising these kind of people are parody’s of themselves at this point. Also, fuck brexit. Not relevant, just felt like venting

  5. I guess Bill never heard of such comics like Maus, Persepolis or Barefoot Gen. There’s many things in those comics but superheroes, childish scenarios or even good feelings are not among them.
    What Bill seems to have forgotten is that comics are a medium, a tool to tell stories, a bridge between the literary arts and the visual arts. And what their level of maturity is is entirely dependent on what the writer and artist wish to portray. Whether it’s Captain America punching Hitler, the rise of religious extremism in Iran or simply Thomas Nast sticking it to Tammany Hall.

    In short, Fuck Bill Maher.

    1. Given how often he talks about the dark side of Islam (and slanders other liberals for bringing up the existence of Muslims who AREN’T horrible monsters by falsely accusing us of defending or downplaying the actions of the ones who are), he’d probably like Persepolis if he read it. But he’s often been one to just open up his mouth without thinking or researching and vomit out whatever ignorant crap is on his mind (his take on Hillary vs. Bernie is a third example).

  6. “Has he aided the cultural polarisation of an entire nation?”

    I don’t like Bill Maher either, but if one pole is Donald Trump, transphobia, Muslimphobia, and trying to destroy life-saving policies like Obamacare, wouldn’t going to the opposite pole be a good thing?

    1. See, in terms of policy (as much as a professional TV douche can have policies) he’s hardly far left (and also a nasty Islamophobe to boot). But he’s nasty, obnoxious, condescending and smug and those are all things we’re drowning in right now.

  7. Santa Claus is a good lesson for children because it teaches you very early on that your parents, teachers, community, media and culture will all just straight-up lie to you. And unlike the lies they’ll tell you later on, this one isn’t at your expense, so its like a practice run. Its never too early to learn how to be suspicious. Suspicion is an extremely important skill. Without it you’ll find yourself trusting people like Donald Trump or Bill Maher. Or worse.

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