Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #8: Make Mine Music

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used in this blog are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

There is an audio version of this review HERE.

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Ah Make Mine Music. Well, what can be said about this, the most famous, the most beloved, and arguably the greatest Disney movie of all time that has not already been said a million times, by a million different critics?

…

Yeah, fine, I’d never heard of it either. This may in fact be the most obscure Disney move in the entire classic canon, at least for a European. I actually had to get a Region 1 DVD that came in this weird little white case with clasps. Goddamn clasps!

What is this colonial savagery?

Oh yeah, and then when I tried to play it on my PC I get this…

See that? That’s my PC saying that, “Why yes, I can play you this American DVD. But you will only be able to play Region 1 until you decide to set me back to Region 2. And, oh yes, you can only do this three times. Then, I will be stuck forever on the last region you set me on. So you must choose whether you wish to continue being able to watch Make Mine Music, (which in my infinite evil I must remind you, you will not be able to play on any other device you own) OR whether you want to watch any of your other DVDs on me. Your move, meatsack.”

Okay, first things first.

Ahem.

WHY?????!!!!

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Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #7: The Three Caballeros

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

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(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE)

I write these reviews a good deal ahead of time. For example, although this review won’t go up until September 13^th, I’m writing these words on the 2^nd of September, the Saludos Amigos review is already written but hasn’t been published yet, and Bambi was just posted three days ago. Now, I bring this up for two reasons. Firstly, the Bambi review saw the blog having it’s best day ever and breaking one thousand page views, and since that was due to you all reading, and sharing and linking people to it I would be remiss if I did not give you all a big, stonking, heartfelt thank you.

Your comments and suggestions make what is already a very enjoyable hobby even better. So thanks.

The second reason is that one of the features that makes WordPress so ~~dangerously compulsive~~ fun is that it allows you to see the search terms that bring people to the blog. And it seems that one of those search terms was…“Close Up Mouth Whore Fuck.”

I got a thing for tonsils.

This prompted a brief moment of introspection. Maybe I’m swearing and calling people whores a little too much in my reviews of Disney movies?

Bluth, thou strumpet!

I mean, I don’t think I swear excessively for a comedy blog rated for an adult audience, but I know that’s just a question of personal standards. And while I certainly appreciate that the word “whore” is loaded, I think context matters a whole lot and using the word to jokingly criticise (male) animators who “borrow” inspiration from other animators is not the same as using it in a misogynistic or threatening way (or specifying exactly what kind of Close Up Mouth Fuck materiél you are in the market for). But still, I was resolved to clean up my act, and start reviewing these movies the way Uncle Walt would have wanted.

You’re going to stop?

Aaaaaaand then I remembered what I have to review this week:

Oh what the close up mouth whore fuck is this?

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Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #6: Saludos Amigos

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE.)

The story behind how Saludos Amigos came into existence is far, far more interesting than the actual film itself. In 1941, before America’s entry into World War 2, the US State Department approached Disney and said “Sure, you’re good at making funny animal cartoons. But are you ready to make funny animal cartoons for your country?”

“Mr. Disney, I’d like to talk to you about the Mouseketeers Initiative.”

To understand why, you have to appreciate the complex network of intercontinental diplomatic relationships of the early nineteen forties. It sort of went like this.

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Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #5: Bambi

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE)

Bambi’s a weird one, isn’t it? It’s frequently ranked as one of the greatest animated movies of all time, and yet not many people seem to actually like it. I asked two people, both pretty big Disney fans, to watch it with me, and they both had the same reaction.

And to be honest, I kind of felt the same way. I hadn’t seen the movie since I was around eight and I couldn’t remember that much of it which is kind of weird for a start. I mean, most of these movies I can remember line for line, stored in the part of my brain that should be used for remembering the names of family members.

Hey! Uncle…I want to say…Bill?

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Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #4: Dumbo

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE.)

So it seems quite a few people were confused by my “Next Week” bit last review where I talked about crossing a picket line to review Dumbo. Was this some obscure in-joke or was I just being weird for the sake of it? Well I like to think you know me well enough by this stage to realise that I would never stoop to bizarre nonsense just for the sake of it.

HAM!

I was actually referring to the Disney Animators Strike of 1941 that occurred around halfway through the production of Dumbo and led to the movie being completed by scab labour. And boy, if there ever was a movie that looked like it was partly done by trained professionals before being finished by desperate, guilt-ridden blackleg hacks…

Ta…da?

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Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #3: Fantasia

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to the audio version of this review HERE.)

Let me give you a sample of some of the comments I’ve been getting on Facebook in anticipation of this review.

“I look forward to reading what you make of Fantasia. The first film I saw in the cinema and still one of my favourites…”

“Looking forward to Fantasia. Changed my life; the Rite of Spring is still my favourite piece of music ever.”

“The saddest day of my life was when our copy of Fantasia got stuck in the VCR.”

“That movie got me into music!”

“I must have watched Fantasia a hundred times when I was a kid…”

“OMG FANTASIA IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME AND IF ANYONE WERE TO EVER SAY ANYTHING MEAN ABOUT IT I WOULD KILL MYSELF!!!”

Oh-ho-ho-hokay. Well, that’s wonderful. Really. I am just so gratified that this groundbreaking, unique and artistically vital film has such a strong and devoted following and I’m definitely not stalling for time because I’m terrified of admitting to you that…I…don’t…really…like…it.

Sorry.

“This the Snow White feller again?”
“Yessum.”
“Hey Zeke, how’s Martha?”
“Died three weeks ago.”
“Jesus! I’m so sorry!”
“Yessum. Lynchin’s all I live for now.”

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Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #2: Pinocchio

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE.)

Growing up, I was what you might call a nervous child. Any time I watched a movie, cartoon or TV show, no matter how innocuous or innocent, the chances were I’d be watching through my fingers, ready to bolt for the door at a second’s notice. Why, you ask? Well, at a very young age I watched a movie that taught me that no matter how sweet and innocent something seems, there’s nothing to say that it won’t suddenly take a sharp turn into sheer, unrelenting TERROR. That movie is the subject of today’s review.

Words cannot express the psychological horror this movie inflicted on me. This movie is why I will never ride in a coach or visit an island. This movie is the reason that the phrase “as…BOYS!” is on my list of trigger words. This movie is why I was glad when it looked like the whales were going extinct in the eighties. This movie is why I sleep with a gun under my pillow and a set of grenades in my slippers. This movie is the reason my house is guarded by a Rottweiler that I’ve trained into believing that he’s Batman.

“Who’s a good boy?” “I am. I’m Batman. Batman’s a good boy. I’m so confused.”

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Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse: #1 Snow White

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(Listen to the audio version of this review HERE.)

Okay, let’s get this out of the way right off the bat. Snow White is awful.

Well. He didn’t last long.

Wait wait wait! Let me explain. Snow White and the Seven ~~Dwarfs~~ ~~Dwarves~~ Dwarfs, the 1937 film that pioneered the feature length hand-drawn animated movie was and remains a seminal work of art whose influence on its genre and cinema in general cannot be overstated. But Snow White the character is…well…awful. She has no personality, because sweetness is not a personality, it’s a flavoring. She has no agency except when it involves cooking or cleaning for the nearest mammal with a dick and…oh my God…that voice. THAT VOICE! She sounds like Betty Boop but with this vibrating quality that suggests she’s hunting for moths in a pitch black cave.

She spends the first half of the movie either singing or talking in rhyme. Name me one movie character who talks in rhyme that you don’t want to punch in the face.

Oh sure. He’s fine now. But put him in a movie…

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Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse: Introduction

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

Hi all,

Very recently I became a father, and I freely admit that there are probably wolves out there that know more about child rearing than I do. I do know one thing, though. If my daughter grows up without knowing that Disney is awesome I will have failed as a father, a human being and, yes, as one of the higher primates.

What did you say about Pocahontas?!!!!

So I have decided to embark on a massive, foolhardy and quite possibly dangerous quest: To watch and review all of the canon Disney classics until there are none left or I get bored and give up. And because this is the internet and random ranking and comparison is how we do, I will be rating each of them out of a hundred to try and find the best and worst Disney movie.

First of all, a few ground rules:

Rule 1. None of the straight to video sequels, because those things give you Ebola.

Everything was fine until someone watched Mulan 2: Mul Harder

Rule 2: No live action movies. I’m only doing the full length animated theatrical releases. I may, however, decide to review live action movies with animated segments like Mary Poppins, Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Song of the South because apparently I don’t have enough rage and controversy in my life.

Rule 3: No Pixar movies. Yeah, I know they’re awesome. But they’re not Disney movies. They’re Pixar movies, it’s a completely different tone and aesthetic. All that Disney/Pixar BS doesn’t fly here.

You. Do. Not. Fly. Here.

Rule 4 Never trust a man with smile lines around his mouth and none around his eyes. That’s not a rule for the blog, that’s a rule for life. You’re welcome.

Okay, let this mad folly commence…