Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #3: Fantasia

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to the audio version of this review HERE.)

Let me give you a sample of some of the comments I’ve been getting on Facebook in anticipation of this review.

“I look forward to reading what you make of Fantasia. The first film I saw in the cinema and still one of my favourites…”

“Looking forward to Fantasia. Changed my life; the Rite of Spring is still my favourite piece of music ever.”

“The saddest day of my life was when our copy of Fantasia got stuck in the VCR.”

“That movie got me into music!”

“I must have watched Fantasia a hundred times when I was a kid…”

“OMG FANTASIA IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME AND IF ANYONE WERE TO EVER SAY ANYTHING MEAN ABOUT IT I WOULD KILL MYSELF!!!”

Oh-ho-ho-hokay. Well, that’s wonderful. Really. I am just so gratified that this groundbreaking, unique and artistically vital film has such a strong and devoted following and I’m definitely not stalling for time because I’m terrified of admitting to you that…I…don’t…really…like…it.

Sorry.

“This the Snow White feller again?”
“Yessum.”
“Hey Zeke, how’s Martha?”
“Died three weeks ago.”
“Jesus! I’m so sorry!”
“Yessum. Lynchin’s all I live for now.”

(more…)

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse #2: Pinocchio

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(You can listen to an audio version of this review HERE.)

Growing up, I was what you might call a nervous child. Any time I watched a movie, cartoon or TV show, no matter how innocuous or innocent, the chances were I’d be watching through my fingers, ready to bolt for the door at a second’s notice. Why, you ask? Well, at a very young age I watched a movie that taught me that no matter how sweet and innocent something seems, there’s nothing to say that it won’t suddenly take a sharp turn into sheer, unrelenting TERROR. That movie is the subject of today’s review.

Words cannot express the psychological horror this movie inflicted on me. This movie is why I will never ride in a coach or visit an island. This movie is the reason that the phrase “as…BOYS!” is on my list of trigger words. This movie is why I was glad when it looked like the whales were going extinct in the eighties. This movie is why I sleep with a gun under my pillow and a set of grenades in my slippers. This movie is the reason my house is guarded by a Rottweiler that I’ve trained into believing that he’s Batman.

“Who’s a good boy?” “I am. I’m Batman. Batman’s a good boy. I’m so confused.”

(more…)

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse: #1 Snow White

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

(Listen to the audio version of this review HERE.)

Okay, let’s get this out of the way right off the bat. Snow White is awful.

Well. He didn’t last long.

Wait wait wait! Let me explain. Snow White and the Seven ~~Dwarfs~~ ~~Dwarves~~ Dwarfs, the 1937 film that pioneered the feature length hand-drawn animated movie was and remains a seminal work of art whose influence on its genre and cinema in general cannot be overstated. But Snow White the character is…well…awful. She has no personality, because sweetness is not a personality, it’s a flavoring. She has no agency except when it involves cooking or cleaning for the nearest mammal with a dick and…oh my God…that voice. THAT VOICE! She sounds like Betty Boop but with this vibrating quality that suggests she’s hunting for moths in a pitch black cave.

She spends the first half of the movie either singing or talking in rhyme. Name me one movie character who talks in rhyme that you don’t want to punch in the face.

Oh sure. He’s fine now. But put him in a movie…

(more…)

Disney Reviews by the Unshaved Mouse: Introduction

DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images used below are property of the Walt Disney Corporation unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material.

Hi all,

Very recently I became a father, and I freely admit that there are probably wolves out there that know more about child rearing than I do. I do know one thing, though. If my daughter grows up without knowing that Disney is awesome I will have failed as a father, a human being and, yes, as one of the higher primates.

What did you say about Pocahontas?!!!!

So I have decided to embark on a massive, foolhardy and quite possibly dangerous quest: To watch and review all of the canon Disney classics until there are none left or I get bored and give up. And because this is the internet and random ranking and comparison is how we do, I will be rating each of them out of a hundred to try and find the best and worst Disney movie.

First of all, a few ground rules:

Rule 1. None of the straight to video sequels, because those things give you Ebola.

Everything was fine until someone watched Mulan 2: Mul Harder

Rule 2: No live action movies. I’m only doing the full length animated theatrical releases. I may, however, decide to review live action movies with animated segments like Mary Poppins, Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Song of the South because apparently I don’t have enough rage and controversy in my life.

Rule 3: No Pixar movies. Yeah, I know they’re awesome. But they’re not Disney movies. They’re Pixar movies, it’s a completely different tone and aesthetic. All that Disney/Pixar BS doesn’t fly here.

You. Do. Not. Fly. Here.

Rule 4 Never trust a man with smile lines around his mouth and none around his eyes. That’s not a rule for the blog, that’s a rule for life. You’re welcome.

Okay, let this mad folly commence…