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“Mouse! Mouse! Where are you!”
“Walt!? What are you doing?! Get out of here while you still can!”
“My God, it’s even worse than I imagined. The animation…so awful…the characters…so…ugly…”
“Disney. You came.”
“Huh. I had a feeling the Horned King wasn’t smart enough to pull something like this off. You must be the man behind the man.”
“It was you…”
“But then how?”
“Don’t you see?”
“So you understand?”
“Good. Then there’s no reason for me to explain.”
“Of course not. It’s simplicity itself. You’d have to be an idiot not to understand.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It was I who resurrected the Horned King, you furry fool. I who suggested to him that he trap you in this movie.”
“Why? What did I ever do to you?”
“You? My poor deluded Mouse. This was never about YOU. I did all this to get HIM here.”
“Why? Who are you?”
“Someone who owes you a lifetime of torment. Someone who has suffered at your hands like no other. Someone whose desire for revenge burns like the fire of a thousand white hot suns.”
“That could literally be anyone. Care to narrow it down for me?”
“P.L. Travers maybe?”
“Ooh! Good guess! Pamela, is that you?”
“NO I AM NOT PAMELA TRAVERS! NOW REVIEW THE MOVIE! REVIEW…AND DIE!”
The origins of Foodfight are shrouded in mystery and occultation. It is said to have been the creation of “Larry Kasanoff”, a figure who appears in Arab folklore as a wandering trickster and teller of evil tales. Legend has it that Kasanoff was entranced by Pixar’s Toy Story, and tried to make his own version set in a supermarket, with corporate mascots instead of beloved toys. He approached the masters and lords of coproate America and with honeyed words filled their hearts with greed. “My Lords” he said “Think of it, a film that was an advertisement. Two hours of product placement made for little, impressionable children. Is it not glorious?” And, so, the story goes, they agreed to let Kasanoff use their mascots for his diabolical scheme. For many long years he toiled at his black work, suffering many setbacks. Indeed, his early work was stolen in what Kasanoff called “industrial espionage” but what we can only call “true heroism”. This forced Kasanoff to start again from scratch. Whoever that nameless thief was, we must thank him for seeking to spare us this monstrosity, even if ultimately his work was for nothing.
Many Bothans died trying to stop this movie.
Then again, this is all supposition. Perhaps there never was a “Larry Kasanoff”. We may never know who created Foodfight! Maybe it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it exists. I am Walter Elias Disney, The Doom of Bahia, Master of the Black Mouse and defender of this world. And today, at last, I know fear. Today, I review Foodfight!
The movie begins with the camera lurching like a drunken doxy over a supermarket. I’m reminded of that epic overhead shot we did in Pinocchio, except that it’s awful in every way. The shopkeeper, Mr Leonard, who’s got the mad, staring yellow eyes of a desert hawk, is closing up and says “Nothing much interesting happens around here after dark.”
Who the fuck asked you, you senile old bastard?!
Leonard turns out the lights and the supermarket comes to life like a rotten corpse cursed by a voodoo shaman. All the demented cartoon shills on every cereal box, detergent bottle and jar of hemorrhoid ointment come to hideous life.
And by the red comb of Satan…they’re actually trying to sing. What they’re singing about, I don’t have the damndest idea. Something about their world, this world that is theirs. And there is also reference to a party that doesn’t stop. I fail to see how these themes are related.
The word “hero” is thrown about a lot these days. And what is a hero? I’m a hero, certainly. And there are perhaps others. A hero can be different things to different people. But one thing I’m sure we can all agree on, a “hero” is not a fucking hideous mongrel in a fedora voiced by real-life supervillain and sentient coke pile Charlie Sheen. So I will not be referring to Dex Dogtective as “our hero” despite narrative convention. My God. “Dogtective”. Just saying the word sounds like someone laid a stool in your mouth. Dogtective. Ugh. Dex is introduced battling someone called FatCat Burglar on top of a hotair balloon. FatCat is voiced by Harvey Fierstein and despite being called “FatCat” is in fact a mouse. This, my friends, is the level of competence we are dealing with. These miserable peons, they can’t even tell a mouse from a cat?
See? Mice have circles for ears, and cats have triangles. This is basic stuff!
Dex rescues the kittens that FatCat had kidnapped and we learn that this is his five hundredth successful case as a member of the United Supermarket Defence Association. Dex is asked by a reporter what his secret is and he says “The secret’s inside.”
The dog lies. There is nothing inside him. He is hollow. They’re all hollow.
The crowd disperses as suddenly as it appeared and Dex is left with his best friend who just appeared out of the fucking void, Daredevil Dan (Wayne Brady). Dan is a chocolate squirrel. He is voiced by a black actor. He looks like this.
Yeah. Suddenly Brer Rabbit is not looking so bad, is he?
My friends, I grew up in Missouri in the early nineteen hundreds. We literally used black people as furniture. And this is still the most racist fucking thing I have ever seen in my immortal life. Dex tells Dan that he’s proposing to his best girl and shows him the ring. It is a “four carrot” ring. It has four carrots on it. I swear blood vengeance on whoever thought of that joke. Dex then asks Dan if he’ll be his best man, and Dan weeps chocolate. Long ago I sold my soul in exchange for immortality. I’m starting to think that may have been a mistake. Lord, I wish for death. Suddenly, Dex’s girlfriend, Sunshine Goodness is also there with them (characters come and go like phantoms, flitting in and out of the material realm). Sunshine is voiced by Hilary Duff. Poor, wayward Hilary. She was one of mine, grown in the labs beneath Disneyland to appear on my TV Channel. Then she achieved sentience, rebelled, and tried to have a movie career of her own. She ended up here. Let that be a warning to the rest of you!
“We are loyal, Master.”
Sunshine Goodness is a cat/human advertising icon (“ike” in the excerable parlance of this dreck) who seems besotted with Dex despite that fact that he is a dog, making him either her enemy or her slave depending on which side of her nature is dominant. Dex is about to propose to the overly cheerful mutant when she sees Dan flying overhead and crash landing. She goes to check that Dan’s alright but Dex tries to convince her to stay, saying that he’s probably fine. That’s our “hero”, ladies and gentleman. Won’t even check if his BEST FUCKING MAN survived a plane crash. Sunshine Goodness says “when in doubt, just do the right thing, and it will always turn out.” Oh that’s it. THAT IS FUCKING IT!
Destruct Code: DUFF 08976367!
“Self destruct protocol has been deactivated.”
Sunshine Goodness flounces off but doesn’t flounce back. Dan returns unharmed from the hideous plane crash but says he never saw her. We jump ahead six months and Mr Clipboard (Christopher Lloyd) shows up at the supermarket with a load of “Brand X” goods to sell to Mr Leonard.
One of these men is supposed to be a hideous freak. The other a normal looking man. Try and guess which one is which.
So the Brand X icons start slowly taking over the supermarket. They look and dress like Nazis. Because the people who made this movie believe that using less expensive, non-brand name products is equivalent to the horrors of National Socialism.
They are of course correct.
Dex has hung up his crime-fighting boots since Raisin disappeared because he’s saaaaaaad but now he’s running the Copabanana, the hottest nightspot in the supermarket because he’s not so sad that he can’t run a large, successful business.
Why is this crowd of thousands standing outside a nightclub and cheering?
Why is he now running a nightclub when the move has already set him up as a dogtective (blaaaaaaaaaaaaah…spit! spit! spit!)? So the movie can make Casablanca jokes. Seriously. That’s it. Lady X (Eva Longoria), the leader of Brand X, walks in and Dex says “Of all the produce bars in all the supermarkets in all the world, she has to walk into mine.”
Keep in mind, he has never met this woman before.
I haven’t even mentioned the worst part of this movie yet, Cheasel T. Weasel (Lawrence Kasanoff). He’s supposed to be a weasel, but honestly with this thrice-accursed animation he looks more like a walking turd. He’s constantly trying to sell Dex sex dolls (did I mention this film is a travesty on every level?) until something bad happens to him for no reason. Seriously, he’ll be talking to Dex and then he’ll get hit by a car, or crushed by a wrecking ball or fall into an open sewer. Dex never has anything to do with it, it just happens, as if the universe itself is trying to get this loathsome shit-weasel TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! At one point he even looks straight into the camera and squeals “You despise me, don’t you?”
“YES!!! YES DAMN YOU!!!!”
And by the tentacled balls of Cthulhu this animation is rancid. And I don’t mean because it’s computer generated. A lot of people think that if I was still running things, the Disney studio would never have switched to CGI. Well that’s just not the case. In fact, I even experimented with CGI in the late fifties when Sleeping Beautywas draining the studio of all its money, time, energy and will to live. “Jiminy Christmas!” I remember saying to Ub Iwerks “Isn’t there some kind of thinking machine that could do all this for us, so that we wouldn’t have to rely on the weak pasty flesh of layabout animators? Make it happen Ub.”
“Sorry boss.” he replied “With current technology, the processing power required to render five seconds of usable footage would require a computer the size of North America.”
“What’s the problem?” I asked.
“Well…” he said “There’s lots of things already in North America. Trees. Cats. Post offices. Also some people.”
“You make it all sound so irreplaceable” I said sarcastically “C’mon man, think big!”
And so that’s how in the sixties I came to mastermind a plot to nuke all of North America to make space for my massive super computer. Would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for those pricks in British Intelligence.
Yeah. He wasn’t smiling after I Iazered his nads off, tell ya that much.”
Now where was I? Oh, yes the steaming pile. Lady X shows up at Dex’s office dressed in a schoolgirl uniform and tries to get him to join Brand X by slathering her legs over him like maple syrup on pancakes. You know, when we were making Snow White, we actually considered having Snow White doing the same thing to the dwarfs when she first meets them. Then we remembered that we weren’t human cancer.
Brand X starts massacreing the other ikes and taking their place, because what’s the point of having allegorical Nazis if you’re not going to fully explore the metaphor. I’m not joking, there’s a scene of Dex examining the bodies after supermarket Kristallnacht.
“Hm…Looks like these products expired.”
Dex learns that Brand X is dangerously addictive from Doctor Si Nustrix, a neurotic, panicky Jewish stereotype who looks like this.
AND PEOPLE THINK I’M AN ANTI-SEMITE!?!!!
Dex and Dan decide that their only chance is to contact “headquarters” and get Brand X withdrawn. This involves a perilous journey across the supermarket in broad daylight while people are still shopping. Hey. You! You there, reading this! Want to know what the makers of this movie think of you?
This is you.
This is what the consumers of this world look like. Big apelike ogres. Mindless, unwashed gaping MOUTHS, just waiting for any old crap to be shoved down it. I mean, I feel the same way about you, but I’d never flat out say it!
Because Disney got class.
They make it across the aisles to the store office where they meet Vlad Chocool, voiced either by Larry Miller (according to Wikipedia), Adam Hunter (says IMDb) or Satan (according to me). “What if Count Chocula was gay?” is a question someone apparently asked, and this thing spends all of its screen time trying to fuck the chocolate squirrel thing. You know, in my time, having an openly homosexual character in a children’s movie would have been considered utterly despicable. In your time, having such a character who reinforces the very worst stereotypes of gay people in a children’s movie is considered utterly despicable. So let us put aside our differences, join hands across the ages and agree that this fucking movie is fucking despicable.
They send off the email to headquarters but Brand X kills the power, meaning they can’t be sure the message got through. So Dex has to lead all the Ikes in a desperate last stand battle against Brand X. A battle that lasts roughly the length of the Bhagavad Gita.
The forces of brand name goods triumph, thanks to the fresh cool taste of Doctor Pepper ™ but then Mr Clipboard appears. Like. Right there. He’s just standing in the middle of the city that only comes into existence at night when regular humans are sleeping. And then they have to fight him like he’s fucking King Kong. And then his head opens up and Lady X steps out because apparently Mr Clipboard was a robot. Dex sputters “How the ho-hos can this be happening?” and for once I agree with him. Well, obviously I would have phrased it differently. But yes, this does not make a stuttering fuck’s bit of sense. Lady X is actually revealed to be Prunella Pussley, an advertising mascot who was recalled because she was so ugly. That was her crime. To be ugly. Look, ugly people deserve to be punished. That was my point with Cinderella and I stand by it. But the message only works if everyone else in the movie has not also been beaten to death with the ugly stick and then made to swivel on it.
So how did an advertising masoct escape into the real world, build a robot and form a major corporation? Dex asks this and Lady X explains “Humans. When you look like this you can get them to do anything. Size only matters for men.”
So regular human sized people were fucking a tiny woman who’s like six inches tall.
THAT IS IT!
COME OUT AND FACE ME!!
“Are you not enjoying my movie?”
“Enough games. Who are you?”
“Don’t you recognise me…creator?”
“It’s me! José Carioca, your friendly neighbour from Brazil!”
“I ask again, creature. Who are you?”
“My…you are sharp aren’t you?
“Sharp enough to shave the nipples off a fly’s tits, now show me your true face.”
“…since you asked politely.”
“Walt? Who is that? He looks like you, but…cheaper. Less complex.”
“Don’t you recognise me Mouse? I’m good Old Uncle Walt.”
“What are you?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m you. I’m the real Walt Disney. I’m the truest part of you. And with Foodfight, I’ve created my masterpiece..”
“It’s a piece, alright.””
“You don’t like it? But it’s the final culmination of your work.”
“Are you high?”
“Walt, what’s he talking about? Why does he look like you?”
“When Walt Disney created Saludos Amigos all the way back in the forties, he betrayed his artistic principles. He made a piece of propaganda, and he created José Carioca, to pander to Latin American audiences. He sold out.”
“Walt! How could you!”
“It was for a good cause!”
“BEATING THE NAZIS!”
“It didn’t matter. Road to hell and all that. I was created that day. Your other half. Your dark double. The Walt Disney who knows that cartoons are good for one thing and one thing only. Selling crap. Like your theme parks. And your video games. And your ridiculously overpriced Frozen pencil cases! You see?! My movie is no different from yours!”
Wrong. I admit it. I made money off my work. Well, actually, I made money of the work of the people who worked for me. But I cared about those movies. Well, actually, the people who made those movies for me cared about those movies. But the point is they were fantastic movies. They took effort, and skill, and art. They took passion. Even on our worst days we were putting out stuff that most animators couldn’t even come within sniffing distance of. And yes, we sold merchandise. But you could sell a billion pencil cases based on a movie and it wouldn’t make that movie one damn bit better or worse. Refusing to engage with commerce does not make you a great artist, and rejecting art does not make you a great businessman. What makes me great is that I was able to be both a great artist, and a great entrepreneur. And, oh yeah, there’s one other big difference between my movies and yours.
People fucking went to see mine! You thought that it didn’t matter how bad your movie was. You thought that if you had enough recognisable brand names, and flashy colours, and celebrity voices people would still pay money to see it. And you lost. Because for all your contempt for your audience, they proved you wrong.
“Minion! I SUMMON THEE!”
What is thy bidding, Master?
Tales will be told of his suffering. Gaze now upon the power of Disney.
“My God…so beautiful…it burns! IT BURNS!”
“C’mon Mouse, we’re going.”
“Oh thank God. But what about the movie? We can’t just leave it here. It might spread, like a fungus.”
“Minion? I leave you this world. Make it a hell to your liking.”
Thank you Master.
“Oh God…what IS that?!”
Gaze upon me creatures, your world is now mine. Three hundred millennia of terror is now upon you.
“Walt? Thank you. For everything.”
“Think nothing of it Mouse. I actually found that kinda fun. How about you wrap up the review?””
At times it feels like I use the phrase “I’m not a hatchet artist” so much it could replace “Have you been to Bahia?” as the blog’s motto. I genuinely try to find something good to say about every movie I review. But this…this…this…this…thing.
It’s not enough to say that it’s the worst animated movie I’ve ever seen.
It’s not enough to say it’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
This thing is not simply bad. It is actually, morally evil. From the ground up. From its very conception. Now you might say “but Mouse, how is having Mr Clean in this movie any different from using Sonic the Hedgehog in Wreck It Ralph or Mr Potato Head in Toy Story?” and the difference is that Pixar didn’t make Toy Story so that kids would buy Mr Potato Head, they put Mr Potato Head in the movie so they could afford to make Toy Story. Commerce served the needs of art, not the other way around. This movie is the very, very worst instincts of modern animation all chewed up, spat and congealed into the same filthy spittoon. It’s garbage. Offensive, awful, insulting garbage. It is hateful in every sense. It hates you, and inspires you to hate it in return. And in a way, it’s a blessing that it’s so terrible, so miserably inept, so unremittingly incompetent in every way. Because with an agenda and an outlook so horrible, if they actually had the talent and intelligence to promote it effectively? That would be the most terrifying thing imaginable. I mean, Charles Manson is bad enough as he is, but imagine if he was suave and articulate and clever enough to run for higher office?
No idea how this got here.
Fortunately some things are so awful that they never get a chance to do real harm. Foodfight died unloved, unmourned and mostly unknown.
Too good for it, I say.
You feel like there’s a film of grease and filth on your eyes after watching it. You rub and rub, but it won’t come off.
Well, Charlie Sheen is terrible in this, but at least he has the joy and satisfaction that comes from what’s really important; Being a good husband and loving father. Hah!
Supporting Characters: 0/20
Well, they may be horrendously designed, awfully voiced and nightmarishly animated but at least they’re racist and homobphobic.
The songs in this will have you pining for the musical genius of Am I feeling Love?, Ke$ha’s Blahblahblah and cats fucking in alleyways.
FINAL SCORE: 0%
NEXT UPDATE: 10 April 2014
NEXT TIME: Well, after a long run of lousy, awful CGI movies it’s time for Mouse to get back to the Disney canon with…oh.
No, you know what, this is going to feel like Citizen Kane by comparison.
Neil Sharpson AKA The Unshaved Mouse, is a playwright, comic book writer and blogger living in Dublin. The blog updates every second Thursday. This review was made possible by the kind donation of Michael Tyndall. You go straight to hell, Michael.
My god is this film terrible. I’d tear it apart myself, but I’ve already seen so many people (yourself included) do it so much better than I ever could. Whoever was responsible for the “industrial espionage” should be given the nobel prize for peace.
Also, don’t think I didn’t notice that reference to Felidae. I can only imagine what must have been floating in your head when you got to that scene. (only 8 more months to go…)
I…honestly have no idea what you’retalking about. Haven’t watched it yet.
Oh, you will. I’ll just say that it made the film VERY memorable for me. *maniacal laugh*
Seriously? I could have sworn you did with that one joke in this review. If that is the case, then once you do see it, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
Anyway, good luck dealing with that one final hurdle (Chicken Little, which by the way is my least favourite disney movie in the entire canon) before finally getting back to films that don’t suck.
Felidae is on your list? Wow…brace yourself for some really disturbing images.
0%! Nothing! This movie had nothing commendable in it! Wow. I feel like I’ve just seen Halley’s Comet. From the bottom of a sewer.
That was a hell of a wrap-up. I was so sure that plot arc was going to include Chicken Little’s dad as the devil. But it’s only natural that the worthy enemy for a Walt is another Walt. I think I’ll miss the Horned King, though, oddly enough.
Happy April Fools’ Day. Now go and have some time off!
Chicken Little’s father as…(begins furiously rewriting).
I do wonder whatever happened to ol’ keratin-top after all this. That was never actually stated.
That should be other way around. This movie is like being trapped on a cold, dead rock streaking through emptiness at ludicrous speeds. You have one rare, brief, blink-and-you’d-miss-it glimpse of the wonders of life on Earth, and the only thing you can see is a sewer.
I’ve seen this movie, with a friend, while we tried a few new beers. One positive came out of it: I learned how good Einstok is at brewing a white ale.
You were kind, Mouse. I curse it the way the Greeks once did: with eternity.
Yay, first commenter! Don’t you think giving this movie a 0% is a bit harsh? I mean, this movie may look awful, but at least a 1/20 or 2/20 would be a bit more fair.
Either way, I wouldn’t want to see this movie, but at least I’d know there’s at least a pinch of good in it.
Oh, darn it, never mind, not the first.
But that would be a lie. And I’d never lie to you.
If I were scoring a film the way you do, I would only give a zero to something like “Baby Geniuses” or “Garbage Pail Kids,” which are probably worse than this film. (Haven’t seen either.)
Garbage Pail Kids is as bad. Baby Geniuses is much better.
I cannot watch this. I will not. I’ll give just about anything a chance but I just refuse to ever watch this one.
So Mouse…did you like Saving Mr Banks? Were you using Hanks as evil Walt just because it was convenient or because you didn’t like the movie?
I actually just watched Saving Mr. Banks a few days ago. Loved it.
HATED THE MOVIE.
Are you pulling our legs for April Fools’ Day? How can you hate it?
I may review it some day so I won’t go into it. I thought the way it distorted history and implied that Travers ended up loving the movie was very dishonest.
I didn’t hate “Saving Mr. Banks” but I was much annoyed with Disney (man and company) when I learned the real backstory of the “Mary Poppins” movie.
Granted, P.L. Travers was NOT a nice person or an easy person to work with. According to her own grandchild, she died “loving nobody and loved by no one.” But I genuinely feel that when it came to her and Disney, she’s been treated worse now than she was 50 years ago. Back in the ’60s, they at least had her input and even if they screwed her over, they didn’t get away unscathed. “Saving Mr. Banks” makes a smiling puppet out of her unresisting corpse.
Hey Mouse, finally vanquished the horde of undead mice. This is one movie that the trailer for it did not inspire me to watch, and is about the only thing I’ll run from.
On a brighter side, at least you aren’t stuck in an alternate reality. And would you mind having Walt summon me home? I may have inadvertently lost myself in the bottom of oblivion. Any help is appreciated.
Walt says no. Sorry. He’s kind of an ass.
Alright, I’ll figure this out, somehow.
I totally forgot we were getting a review this week, so thanks!
Yes, this movie is horrible, especially its animation, but is it bad that I don’t think it’s the worst animated film I’ve seen? I mean granted, from a technical level, it’s horrendous. But it doesn’t bother me/make me cringe/make me hate it more than a movie such as “A Troll in Central Park”.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks that. Right? ……Umm…right? ………Umm….helloooo?
I want to watch all the Don Bluth films, but I’m afraid to watch A Troll In Central Park, so I’ve held off so far. Either way, I’ve seen all the “good” Bluth films, so that’s probably enough.
Yeah, that’s pretty far enough. I personally don’t like even the “good” Don Bluth films.
No. Just no. I hate Troll so much it burns but this movie makes it look like friggin’ Miyazaki.
I don’t know. At least ATICP had some Bluthisms, and wasn’t a Disney sellout (although I like the sellout movie much better). You at least see that he tried a little.
…Yeah, I don’t have anything to say about this movie that hasn’t already been said. I actually tried to watch the entire thing but…yeah, the first 9 minutes I saw + Jontron (wooh, let’s keep mentioning him until you see it) are the perfect way to watch “the” “film”. I didn’t miss anything at all.
Hey Neil, I just saw Captain Murica 2 and it was absolutely fucking amazing. Best comic book movie of all time imo.
Oh, I also saw The Lego Movie…uh, yeah, the lat-am dub isn’t very…funny. Quite a lot of jokes are lost in translation, which makes the movie look incredibly childish when you take those away (that probably explains why it hasn’t made that much money outside of the US). The voice acting was great, though.
By the way, Frozen finally became the most successful animated movie of all time (period) a few days ago. Don’t you love Japan?
Oh I watched. Loved it. Definitely a fan.
JonTron’s review of Birdemic is also excellent
I’m glad! They have the same team to make Cap 3 (kinda weird considering Marvel Studios’ track record. I guess they liked it, too), hopefully that one’s as good as TWS. Apparently it’ll be based on another Brubaker story, so that’s two good things.
Sucks it’s (probably) not going to make as much money outside of NA as Thor 2, though.
Yay Frozen! Yay Cap! Yay everything!
See it in English if you can. I thought it was one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in years! Of course, it might also be the kind of humor you like, a lot of the jokes are meta-humor.
So Mouse, the Cars movies ain’t looking so bad right now, are they? Or is it more “No, the Cars movies aren’t better, Foodfight is just worse.”?
Let me rephrase that: “No, the Cars movies are bad, but Foodfight is just worse”?
I’ve had SERIOUS ILLNESSES that I’m reevaluating in a positive light after this movie.
I watched Batman Under the Red Hood in anticipation for your review. I don’t regret it. When you posted the first Cars review, I thought you’d eventually do Planes, so I watched that, as well. (maybe I was wrong, but whatever, I tolerated it). But nothing will ever make me watch Foodfight. I like my sanity, thank you very much. Yours and Jontron’s reviews were enough for me to soak up the awfulness of this movie.
Then we’ve done our job.
You…didn’t exactly finish the story. You missed the whole battle scene and where Dex and Sunshine marry, but I guess there really wasn’t much to talk about in those scenes?
Also, Dan was voiced by Wayne Brady…surprised you didn’t put in a “Whose Line is it Anyway?” joke there. But I loved the Tom Hanks’s Walt Disney evil twin to the real one joke.
It is a LOOONG movie. The battle scene alone was thirty nine minutes so I had to cherrypick since I only had a few days to write it.
Wow, it was that long? I mean, I remember it dragging but I wasn’t keeping track of the time as I was watching the movie. Hilary Duff is one of my favorite actresses, I’ve always loved her. I like how you made Walt Disney view her as “a rebel who started her own movie career.” (Wonder what he would say about Miley Cyrus?…) You really think that he would have transferred to 3-D animation?
You want to know what the worst movie I’VE ever seen is?
Would the man who invented stereo to do Fantasia justice and built an entire city of the future have explored the possibilities of CGI? Oh hell yeah. Hit me, what’s your least favourite movie.
High School Musical.
Well, Daniel, you’re probably in for a treat. Some friends and I are planning on reviewing the “High School Musical” series Nostalgia Critic style and at the end, we’ll destroy the DVDs. Then we’ll wait for the fangirls of the series to attack.
Nat, I would LOVE to see that. For a long time I was hoping the NC would do it himself, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon. Have you reviewed any other movies?
Unfortunately, I haven’t. I’m planning in starting a review channel on YouTube with a friend of mine and am thinking out the scripts for my videos.
I’m also planning a blog on WordPress to start my Disney Canon project, and I’ll also expand to reviews of animated movies, so I’ll have a bit more experience.
What makes High School Musical the worst film you’ve ever seen?
Sorry it took me so long to reply, I forgot to hit the Notify button below.
Oh man…I don’t know where to BEGIN…to sum it up, it takes something I love (theatre and music) and just defies all measures of low quality possible. It’s a movie that is horribly written, unrealistic, has no talent from any of the actors, and yet somehow it turned out to be a hit. It is by far the most trite, uncompelling, nauseatingly unrealistic entry in the musical losers’ club yet. It’s also the prime example of how low the Disney Channel has gotten with its show quality and how they are not learning a damn thing because people are eating up this sort of crap.
If you want me to give specific examples to help you with your review, I can email them to you. I only saw it once several months after it first came out, but man do I remember so much from it. And yet there are so many things about this film that really get my blood boiling, that other people seem to miss. I thought about doing my own full review, but I still don’t the technology to put on a video, and I just am really not in a hurry to see this movie again.
Well, we’re going to have to watch the movies to see what they’re worth.
What movies? And what do you mean see what they’re worth?
Wait, I’m confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?… JK I didn’t see the film but I didn’t fully understand your explanation of the plot (and I’m grateful). Two more questions: Why you didn’t score the villain? Wasn’t Christopher Lloyd-bot the villain?
Because I completely forgot. No, technically Eva Longoria is the villain. She gets 0 in case you were wondering.
I wasn’t wondering at all! XD
Wow…never watched this (I doubt it is even available in my country), but I am not sorry about it…I take your word for it.
And thank you! Thank you for the little speech about commerce and art. You know, it pretty much tabs into the reason why I will defend Cars to my dying breath, but will most likely avoid Cars 2 and Planes 1 and 2 forever…because the first one was made out of love for cars and in remembrance to Route 66. The others were made to sell toys.
Luckily I’m home alone because I laughed out loud at that. (I just saw “Saving Mr. Banks” three days ago, so I could appreciate it all the more.)
I thought you wrapped up the saga of Jose’ and Other Walt quite neatly. And timely too, with “Saving” coming out on video soon. But I have a question: does this mean Disney has conquered Bahia? Mickey Mouse now rules that unholy land? . . . I . . . I don’t know what to think about that. Somehow, that’s even more terrifying.
That wasn’t Bahia. At least…I don’t think so.
I decided to watch this movie in anticipation for your review. Took me THREE effing days. I kept falling asleep during the battle scene so I had to restart it at 1:12:00 for two days in a row. Finally finished it about ten minutes ago. My lord, is it awful.
Serious question, was Sunshine supposed to be blind? Not because she fell for the ressurected body of a mutated, stillborn dog (to be fair, no one looked much better) but because she was staring at absolutely NOTHING the whole time. She could be talking to a character right in front of her and she’d always be looking to the sky. As horrendously animated as everyone was, she was the one who made me the most uncomfortable.
My forehead ballooned three times its normal size due to all the face-palming this movie made me do. Goodness, how many stereotypes did they cram into this film? Oh, and the endless bouts of sexual inuedo were just precious.
Surprised you didn’t at least love the script! What, you weren’t enamored with priceless lines such as “I don’t give a spam” or “She got chip-slapped”? Why, you cold-farted itch!
BTW, I find it hilarious that we happened to screencap the exact same frame of the grocery store lady! No joke: i.imgur.com/QJSdEu3.jpg
I guess we both felt that particular frame was too horrendous to go unacknowledged!
Well, thanks, Mouse, for enduring such a…special movie. Really looking forward to the Chicken Little review. Never watched it nor do I plan to, but the little bits and pieces I’ve seen suggests that you’re in for quite a treat!
You, me AND JonTron all used that exact screencap. It’s almost beautiful in its pure awfulness.
Aha! So you DID watch it!
It only took us about 50 mentions for you to do it.
I’m a busy guy!
Finally watched the JonTron review and was surprised at how much I agreed on him with everything. Well, I guess you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who disagrees with the dismantling of such dreck. But you’re right, the screencap and the whole movie in general is almost poetic in its sheer ineptitude on every level.
By the way, to anyone who is interested in seeing the infamous ball-on-the-wrong-layer scene Lobo mentioned, the JonTron review has that scene as one of the highlights (or lowlights, depends on how you look at it.) Beats having to watch the whole thing.
The best part is the beach ball that is always on the top layer so it passes in front of someone who should be in front of it
That is quite literally the best part.
Wow, are we almost done with the entire canon? Just watched Frozen last night and was blown away. I think Disney needs to stay with its roots and do the princess style films.
Believe it or not I won’t be done with the canon until around October I think.
It would be boring if they ONLY did those types of films though. Think how many awesome movies we would have missed out on if Disney only did princess stories. No Fantasia, Pinocchio, Peter Pan, Jungle Book, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lilo and Stitch, The Fox and the Hound, Alice in Wonderland, or Rescuers Down Under.
I agree with this comment so, so much, Lobo. Especially considering I’ve never been much of a princess fan. As a kid, my favorite of the princess movies was always Sleeping Beauty and it sure as heck wasn’t because of Aurora. I’m going to go as far as to say that, nowadays, the only “princess” movie I like where I actually love the main character is Mulan. If it weren’t for Disney’s non-princess movies, I doubt I’d be much of a fan. Pinocchio/Alice/Hunchback/Tarzan/Lilo are all top-notch for me. Shame they never perform as well as the princess movies do.
Well, since the day I turned 18, in June 2002, they’ve produced 12 movies, starting with Lilo and Stitch which was good. After that, what was good? Maybe Princess and the Frog. Then they came out with Tangled and Frozen, movies that to a point prove that Disney wasn’t a washout. If you want to prove the point. Name one movie that come out besides Lilo and Stitch that wasn’t a bomb on some level?
To me, the biggest thing about Disney is its ability to tell a fairy tale, and to do a musical. That mainly stems from its princess roots. Granted, there has been some movies told that have defied this principle, mainly The Lion King, which is about a prince, not a princess, and Tarzan, but still it comes back to the basics that their best stories have been about princesses from classic fairy tales. Who knes Rapunzel would have been such an interesting watch? or Disney’s take on the tale of the Ice Queen would be such a high grossing movie. I just think that for Disney, they have a place, and they need to move back to it.
Besides, even if the movie falls flat, nothing beats a good Disney song. Case in point. Snow White. Can’t stand to watch the movie, still love the songs.
Okay, but 2002 is a completely arbitrary starting point. The Princess movies have always been a minority in the canon. I’ll grant you that they are often a good way to reorient themselves after losing their way but I don’t think they’re inherently better. Currently of the top ten scoring canon movies only four are princess movies (and that’s counting Aladdin).
I disagree. While the Renaissance produced plenty of great movies, it created a stagnation within Disney. The movies up to The Lion King were so successful that Disney got it in their heads that it was all they needed to do, and while the rest of the Renaissance was (mostly) good, it was obvious they were all cut from the same cloth (I want song, villain song, etc). Then when that era ended, Disney wanted so hard to escape from that musical stigma that they tried so many different movies, with mixed reactions for most of them, and outright scorn for certain others.
Since The Princess and the Frog, Disney has stopped doing just musicals. Tangled (musical) -> Wreck-It Ralph (not musical) -> Frozen (musical) -> Big Hero 6 (not musical) -> etc. It’s better for Disney to make different types of films so people don’t get bored of the formula used in the Disney musicals.
I am so glad I didn’t know this thing existed until today. Every single screencap of this filth is going to appear in my nightmares.
“A battle that lasts roughly the length of the Bhagavad Gita.”
Does this mean the battle was really long or really short? Because normally these types of comparisons would mean that the battle is interminably long, but the BG is…rather short for scripture. I mean, if you’re thinking of the entire Mahabharata, THAT’S super long…
700 verses or am I thinking of something else?
Well, put it this way: my copy of the BG is 54 pages long. My copy of the Bible is 860 pages long, and it’s a taller book, with smaller print. (My copy of the Qur’an is even bigger, but since it’s in English AND Arabic AND has commentary, it’s a tougher comparison).
You could say that the battle is as long as the Upanishads, if you wanted to stick with Hindu scripture. The Upanishads seem to be equally long, densely packed, and utterly incomprehensible.
Thanks, I’ll change it.
Seeing the cast of Jesse up there was really jarring, if only because I’ve been watching it nearly every day. The youngest kid is one the most talented child actors I’ve ever seen, and as a whole it’s fairly decent stuff for Disney live action.
Interviewing the lead a few weeks back may or may not have caused me to stick with it for as long as I have, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it on a number of levels.
I actually know one of the Disney Channel stars, Laura Marano who is the lead on Austin and Ally. She went to the same high school as me (she was a freshman when I was a senior) and I met her because I did theater in high school. One of the nicest people I’ve ever met and she’s legitimately talented too.
Austin and Ally is like the only Disney live action show I’ve never seen a full episode of; I just have no real interest in it. That is really awesome, though. The stars of these shows get a lot of flak, but starring on them can get you places [though admittedly not all of those places are good].
And some are flat out terrible.
I’ve sadly seen a lot of them (I have a younger sister who just turned 14). I wouldn’t say any of them are completely incompetently bad, but none of them are really any good either. I will confess that Wizards of Waverly Place and Good Luck Charlie were not half bad and actually had good episodes here and there.
@unshavedmouse: Dog With A Blog is probably the worst of them, just because its vary foundation is a talking animal gimmick. A.N.T. Farm is saved for me by the good grace of its theme song.
@Lobo: I’ve seen a lot of them because I’m currently unemployed. While Jessie is my current favourite, that spot used to belong to Wizards of Waverly Place. Good Luck Charlie I’ve recently been watching more of here and there, and the parents are a lot funnier [and more realistic] than on the former.
And what, pray tell, is wrong with talking animals?
Well, you see, the talking animal also runs its own blo- . . . I mean . . . it’s, uh . . . I have to go.
You’d better run!
Get him Mouse, I might be able to head him off if I can get my horse to stand still long enough for me to get on him.
Mouse, I think you must be psychic because NC’s new review this week is Foodfight. Now we get THREE awesome reviews telling us just how bad this movie is: your’s, JonTron’s, and NC’s
This is BEYOND coincidental! Well, great minds think alike!
Awesome review too. God, I felt for the guy.
Well, who couldn’t feel ANY sympathy for ANYONE who had to sit through bullshit like this?
Way. I’ll have to wait until I get home to watch it unfortunately
Aw, damn, beat me to it! No matter, it’s still an awesome coincidence!
Tell me about it! I was like, “Holy crap, he’s reviewing THAT one! Unshaved Mouse just did that!” when I found out.
My thought watching it was: “Wasn’t Mouse the last reviewer who tackled it? Noooooooo…..”
Mouse? Are you okay? Did you survive the splash?
Barely. You finally get your Chicken Little review!
*gives some cookies with extra big chocolate pieces*
I guess you need this now.
Quite entertaining roast here. Hmm, did anyone tell the designers at WB that cats have triangular ears? I don’t think the folks who drew the Warners got that memo. Also, yeesh, Dan, just look at that guy. Champ Kind’s chocolate squirrel is less faecal than that abomination. My word. And I love the sad story of Hilary Duff. I take it this would explain Miley’s apparently being lost to the realms of Bahia lately. Still, oy. I was plagued with having a 10 year old sister during the Lizzie McGuire craze, and I kind of feel bad for Hilary, being forced to obliterate herself. She at least wasn’t that painfully glitzy by the rest of the Disney Channel popstars’ standards.
That cut to the bootleg Disney toys cracked me up. I’m not sure if the joke was funnier or the ridiculous appearance of the toys were. Also, oy. Cheasel’s giving me flashbacks to my nightmare involving being greeted by people in uncanny-looking, freaky, off-model Disneyland animal costumes. I can see that dreadful, distorted Dale stomping around my aunt’s house now. *shudders*
Hmm, I was expecting a cut to Flower during that big about the gay stereotype Chocula. Also, interesting reveal at the end and all the fancy talk about the artistic and business and commercial approach to cinemas and whatnot. I guess the revenge of the Servant of the Red Rooster segues quite well into another messed up movie about a rooster. I guess my fellow petite fowl can give Mike Tyndall a big, warm thanks for giving him the easiest act to follow there could possibly be.
“The songs in this will have you pining for the musical genius of Am I feeling Love?, Ke$ha’s Blahblahblah and cats fucking in alleyways.”
Quite an interesting choice of words, considering Felidae has cats fucking in alleyways.
Didn’t know it at the time. Wish I still didn’t.