Felidae (1994)

(DISCLAIMER: All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

"Let me in you oversized landmass! I have to talk to Mouse!"

“Let me in you oversized landmass! I have to talk to Mouse!”

"Not happenin' man. I'm handlin' Mouse's security. And until we know who this Blucatt guy is no one sees Mouse. Got it?"

“Not happenin’, man. I’m handlin’ his security. And until we know who this Blucatt guy is no one sees Mouse. Got it?”

"But that's why I need to see him! I know who Blucatt is!"

“But that’s why I need to see him! I know who Blucatt is!”

"So spill. Who is he?"

“So spill. Who is he?”

"I can't tell you. I have to tell Mouse in person."

“I can’t tell you. I have to tell Mouse in person. He has to know why I…”

"Why you WHAT, Moustache Man?"

“Why you WHAT, Moustache Man?”

"Forget it. Just...give him this note."

“Forget it. Just…give him this note.”

"Aiight. But I won't have a chance to until he finishes reviewing Felidae."

“Aiight. But I won’t have a chance to until he finishes reviewing Felidae.”

***

Guys…I…I think I may be going crazy.

I mean, really, I think I might be starting to lose it. First there were all those weird messages appearing, and then this whole stuff with Blucatt and then suddenly there’s Foodfight! fanfiction appearing on my blog (who would even do something like that?)…

I’m starting to feel my hold on reality loosening and I don’t think it can be entirely explained away by the fact that Class A drugs were briefly legal in my country. Which brings me to today’s movie; Felidae. I knew next to nothing about this movie going in but my research seemed encouraging. Most expensive animated film ever to come out of Germany, based on one of the best selling German novels of all time. Large cult following, 7.9 rating on IMdB, 85% viewer approval on Rotten Tomatoes (though no reviews from professional critics). The consensus seems to be that this was a dark, engaging film noir murder mystery with cats. Okay, sounds cool. I can dig it.

And then I watched it.

What. The. Close. Up. Mouth. Whore. FUCK?

People like this? People? Actual people?

Because I can honestly say, without a hint of hyperbole, that I have never reviewed a movie for this blog that I hated more than this one. No. Not even Home on the Range. Not even Dinosaur. Not. Even. Foodfight!

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Mouse. You’ve lost it. You’ve gone nuts…”

Yes, did you not read the first lines of this review?

“Shut up and let me finish. You gave Foodfight! 0%. Zero. The big goose-egg. How can this possibly be worse than that?”

Well I didn’t say it was worse. I said I hated it more. Foodfight is just total, utter failure on every level. Felidae is not like that. There is a base line of competence that it never goes below. But…that actually makes it more unpleasant. Because they succeed in what they set out to do. It’s relentlessly, repulsively nasty and it’s good at it.

It sets out to appall you and it succeeds. 

How bad is it?

Let’s take a look. But you won’t thank me.

Alright, so the movie begins with me trying to navigate my German language DVD and actually play the damn thing.

Dammit, one of these has to start the film. But which one??!

Dammit, one of these has to start the film. But which one??!

Okay so the movie actually begins with our hero, Francis the cat, in a car with his owner being driven to their new home. In voiceover, Francis advises us to sit back and get comfortable because he’s got a story to tells us “and it’s not going to be pretty.”

"Or pleasant. Or enjoyable in any way. Or not insulting to your intelligence. Hey, Lion Kings playing in the next theatre you can still catch it, you know."

“Or consistently animated. Or enjoyable in any way. Or not insulting to your intelligence. Hey, Lion King’s playing in the next theatre you can still catch it, you know.”

So about the animation. Felidae was a co-production of an incredible 11 different studios from Germany, England, Canada, Korea, Taiwan and Ireland. The result of this is that the animation quality veers wildly from “Pretty Damn Impressive” to “Just a cut above Saturday Morning on TCC in the eighties”.

Alright so Francis and his owner, Gustav are moving house because Gustav is a pulp romance writer and whenever he gets writer’s block he buys a new place. Francis says that this “doesn’t help”. Which yeah, that’s totally what being a writer is like. You get writer’s block, you just up stakes and move house. Sure it’s incredibly expensive but it’s okay because you’re a writer and so you have lots and lots of money. Even if you have writer’s block which isn’t alleviated by moving house so you just never write. I like that this movie is able to capture the life of a writer with such unerring fidelity.

"Jeez man, go easy on the sarcasm”

“Jeez man, go easy on the sarcasm”

The house is basically a cross between the Addam’s Family mansion and a crack den, and Francis gets a bad stink off the place as soon as he sets foot inside. The smell seems to be coming from the top-most room. He hears a cat mewing and goes out to the back garden to investigate and meets another cat, called Bluebeard. Bluebeard is missing one eye and has heavy facial scarring, but the character design in this movie is so screwy that it looks  more like he’s wearing makeup like an eighties WWF wrestler.

"LOAD THE SPACEHIP WITH THE ROCKET FUEL ROCKET FUEL LOAD IT WITH THE WORDS BECAUSE AFTER SUMMER SLAM THE INTERCONTINENTAL BELT WILL BE MINE!!!"

“LOAD THE SPACESHIP WITH THE ROCKET FUEL LOAD IT WITH THE WORDS BECAUSE AFTER SUMMER SLAM THE INTERCONTINENTAL BELT WILL BE MINE!!!”

Francis looks in the direction that Bluebeard is staring and, oh look at that, there’s a murdered cat in his back garden. Bluebeard and Francis investigate the body and Bluebeard says that it must have been “a can-opener”, which, let’s face it, is probably what cats call human beings in real life so I’ll give the movie points for accuracy on that one. Bluebeard says this is the fourth body that’s turned up in a month, but Francis says he doesn’t think a human did it as the throat was shredded, not slashed. Francis decides to explore the neighbourhood and see if he can get some answers. Now, in case you’re wondering what my issue is with this movie, we’ll get to it. But I have to admit the film opens pretty strong. The atmosphere is nice and ominous, the animation so far is damn good and the mystery is unfolding in an intriguing way. It’s a little hard to pinpoint just when the movie goes off the rails but we’re not there yet. Francis notices that there’s a square space on the wall outside his new house and deduces that it might have been a doctor’s nameplate and reasons that that might explain the weird chemical smell in the house. Francis goes inside where Gus is talking to his friend Archie who’s trying to convince him to install parquet flooring. The movie the spends gets around three explaining that Archie is Gus’ only friend and that he’s a former hippie turned middle class yuppie which is all well and good but we will never see this character again and he plays absolutely no role in the plot. Nothing. And I wouldn’t have such a a big problem with that but…well, you’ll see. Francis turns in for the night and Gus comes in and puts on his “favourite music” to help him sleep.

Mahler’s Resurrection Symphony.

Hey Gustav? Maybe that’s not actually your cat’s favourite music? Maybe you’re just a pretentious gee-bag?

Francis falls asleep and starts to dream that the music is leading him up the room at the top of the stairs. He steps through the door and finds himself in an empty white space OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT…

Your in the Other Mothers world! RUN YOU FOOL!!

You’re in the Other Mother’s world! RUN YOU FOOL!!

 No, actually it’s even worse than that. Francis finds him face to face with a human in a lab coat. Well. I say “face to face”.

"Face to soulless unending void" just doesnt have the same ring to it.

“Face to soulless unending void” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

The faceless man puts a collar around Francis’s neck which turns into a shackle which the faceless man uses to strangle him until Francis wakes up screaming in terror. Bluebeard comes in and Francis asks him if there’s been another murder, and whether the victim was a male like the others. Bluebeard asks him how he knew that and Francis says that it was “an educated guess”.

Now see, big, big problem I have with this movie. Francis is supposed to be this fantastic detective but a lot of the time what advances the plot is that he has dreams that magically reveal things to him that he has no way of knowing otherwise.  He has “guesses” and “hunches” that tend to be right but the movie rarely does the hard work of showing him put two and two together. It’s just lazy writing. Francis asks Bluebeard if the victim, Deep Purple, was castrated…

New spittake

What the fuck am I watching?

Bluebeard tells him that Francis still had his junk but that he suffered from erectile dysfunction since he was “old as Methuselah”, cats of course being famous for their comprehensive knowledge of the Hebrew patriarchs (oh and this kinda thing is only gonna get worse from here). Francis finally gets around to asking Bluebeard his name and he tells him “I’ve had more babes than Henry the Eighth”. Yeah. I said it was going to get worse. You didn’t think I meant this quickly, did ya?

Bluebeard takes Francis to check out Deep Purple’s corpse but on the way they run into the neighbourhood toughguys, two cats named Herman and Hernan and their boss, Kong.

Kong asks Bluebeard if he’s “cruising the gay scene” and Kong and Bluebeard square off and good God what is up with these character designs?

"WE ARE COMING FOR YOU HULK HOGAN YOU WILL NOT WITHSTAND THE POWER OF OUR DESTRUCITY!"

“WE ARE COMING FOR YOU HULK HOGAN YOU WILL NOT WITHSTAND THE POWER OF OUR DESTRUCITY!”

Kong finally backs out of the fight and he and his henchmen clear out but not before basically promising Francis that he’s going to rape him next time he gets him alone.

What the fuck am I watching?

Francis seems to take this in stride as the only thing he says to Bluebeard is that he noticed that he called him his “friend”. Which is nice and all but really dude, you got other things to worry about right now. Okay so they check out Deep Purple’s body and Francis actually does some real detective work. He susses that Deep Purple was attacked outside but managed to drag himself into a garage before he bled out. He also smells that Deep Purple was sexually aroused before he died. Francis says that what links the murders is sex and the killer is either a “sex machine” trying to kill off the competition or someone who has a moral objection to “fornication”. So, it’s either one thing, or the complete and total opposite of that thing. Also, pardon me a moment…

BUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIT!

BUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLSHIIIIIIIT!

There was nothing, NOTHING, about Sascha (the first victim) that suggested sex or anything to do with sex. This is just another example of Francis being right because the script needs him to be right. Bluebeard is still convinced that the killer is a human but Francis says that the victim’s throat was torn out by teeth. He asks Bluebeard to introduce him to the other cats in the area (although considering that the area consists of at least one serial killer and one rapist maybe getting to know the neighbours isn’t the best idea).   Bluebeard promises to introduce him to someone who’s a “real clever bastard”.

As we shall see, that is a blatant lie.

 Francis goes to sleep and wakes up to hear cats screaming upstairs. He investigates and finds that a massive cult of cats has basically set up shop in the top floor of his house and part of their religious ritual is jumping into live electrical currents and going straight to Bahia.

Meh. Still more rational than Scientology.

Meh. Still more rational than Scientology.

Francis watches them from a hole in the ceiling and sees that the congregation includes Bluebeard, Kong, Herman and Hernan and seemingly every cat in the neighbourhood. They’re called the Brotherhood of Claudandus and are led by a large cat called Joker.

Damn, German Bagpuss is hardcore.

Damn, German Bagpuss is hardcore.

Hey waaaaaaait a minute. Let me see a picture of Kong again.

Bagpuss

Oh mein Gott! Du whores!

It’s the same cat. It’s the same damn cat! They just swapped the colours and pretended they were two completely different characters like frickin’ Mortal Kombat! German work ethic my unshaved ass!

Alright so Joker and these…jokers, worship some cat called Claudandus who suffered terribly for all their sins and was blessed by God so to prove their faith the cats fry themselves while running up Gustav’s electricity bill something fierce. Francis is horrified saying “What I was watching wasn’t exactly a scene out of the Artistocats.”

And he’s right. It’s not. And in retrospect I was way, waaaaay too hard on that movie.

Anyway, Joker sees Francis and yells that he’s a trespasser (hey, you’re the one who crashed his house re-enact Passion of the Christ II: Electric Bugaloo buddy) and orders the cultists to catch Francis. This, as we’ll later learn, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever but at least we get a decent chase scene out of it. Francis proceeds deeper into the attic and finds medical equipment and surgical tools stashed there. The cultists chase him out onto the roof and we get a sequence that has some of the strongest animation in the whole movie with moving backdrops and very fluid motion. Francis loses his pursuers and finds himself in another house in the neighbourhood which is home to a blue Persian named Felicity. He tells her that he’s being chased by the Claudandus sect and she tells him that that sounds “typical of them”. She asks him if it’s light outside and Francis realises that she’s blind but when he mentions it she retorts “I’m not blind. I just can’t see.”

blind

Felicity says that she was born blind (well make up your damn mind) but that not a day goes by that she doesn’t wish to see this world “dark and cruel though it is”.

Um, I’m willing to be corrected on this but I’m fairly sure that those who were blind from birth don’t typically want to see. I mean, how can you want something you have no way of even conceptualising? Like, do you miss the fact that you can’t sense electrical fields like a shark? But anyway, it’s a moot point because Felicity tells Francis that she has dreams of being operated on a surgical table. Francis tells her that he doesn’t think she was born blind and that humans may have inflicted blindness on her at a very young age but she doesn’t believe him, saying that human beings are the kindest species there is.

"The cat does not speak for me."

“The cat does not speak for me.”

Francis then asks Felicity if she’s heard anything unusual in the last two weeks (oooh, that might be a bit too specific there Frankie, you sure you don’t wanna vague that up?) and Felicity says “Only the death cries.”

"You know. Same old, same old. Dont even know why I brought it up."

“You know. Same old, same old. Don’t even know why I brought it up.”

Francis realises that he’s found an actual witness to the murders. Felicity says she doesn’t think the killings are murders, just “sex that’s gone too far”.

Just…I…just…

WHAAAAAA?

Does Felicity think that if you kill someone while having sex it doesn’t count as murder? Or does she just think that these were literally mind blowing orgasms? This movie is weird. And not “fun weird”. “Creepy guy in a trenchcoat at the back of the bus” weird.

Felicity tells Francis that from the sounds they made she could tell that the victims were all tom-cats, in heat and that they were confronted by someone that they knew who they did not attack. Felicity tells Francis that the stranger who confronted them was trying desperately to persuade them of something, but she couldn’t hear what he said. Or to put it another way, she’s able to give Francis all the clues that he needs to know at this point in the script, but nothing that would actually help him solve the case so we can wrap this thing up and all go home. You heard all that, Felicity? Really? You heard well enough to actually hear the sound horniness makes but you couldn’t hear one presumably loud and passionate conversation? Excuse me…

"Sir, you must turn back. There have been avalanches near the peak." "God dammit!"

“Sir, you must turn back. There have been avalanches near the peak.”
“God dammit!”

What am I even paying those damn sherpas for?

 Alright so Bluebeard pokes his head in and asks why Francis ran off, saying the cultists just wanted to “talk” to him. Francis is skeptical as well he might be because those cats were clearly trying to kill him.

Pictured: Talking.

Pictured: Talking.

 Bluebeard says that the sect is harmless and that for most of the cats who attend it’s just a cheap thrill and no one even knows if Claudandus ever really existed. So…why hunt Francis? How is the sect supposed to attract new members if it chases down away anyone who shows up wondering where the stench of burning fur is coming from?

What (in short) the fuck, yo?

Bluebeard takes Francis to see Pascal, the “clever bastard” he spoke of earlier. Pascal is a very old cat who lives with his owner Ziebold, who’s apparently a scientist and who has a massive portrait of Gregor Mendel in his study. Pascal says that he’s been using his owners computer to try and solve the murders in the area.

Alice Facepalm

Look. I love animal stories. Always have. When I was a kid I read every book in the Farthing Wood Friends series as well as all of Tom McCaughren’s fox books and many, many others. Watership Down is still one of my favourite books. I love this genre. And it has rules. A certain degree of anthropomorphization is expected and indeed necessary. But if the only way your story can work is if your characters can use a computer, just use humans. In Watership Down one of the characters is able to figure out how to use a boat to float across a river. And he is the very, very smartest rabbit of them all and it’s a major, game-changing, this-bunny-is-thinking-way-outside-the-box deal. This is just dumb. It’s a cat using a computer. In the early nineties!

NO ONE COULD USE THESE THINGS!

NO ONE COULD USE THESE THINGS!

Pascal has compiled a database of every single cat in the neighbourhood according to age, gender, breed, colouring and markings. He calls this database “Felidae” and asks Francis if he knows what the word means. Francis replies “Could it be a scientific word for all our divisions, “cats” as their usually called?” and man, that’s some good guess work Francis but then that is what you do best. Just guessing shit that turns out to be perfectly correct. Pascal says that evolution has produced a wondrous variety of creatures but none more amazing than the genus felidae.

"The genus rodentia comprises 40 of all mammal species, has spread to every continent on earth and cordially invites you to suck a dick."

“The genus rodentia comprises 40% of all mammal species, has spread to every continent on earth, survived the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs and cordially invites you to suck a dick.”

Pascal says that all the victims were males on the prowl for sex and Francis asks him to list the breeds of all the murdered cats.

"What if your owner finds this file?" "He wont. Ive saved it to the desktop as ALL PUSSY, hell never look there."

“What if your owner finds this file?”
“He won’t. I’ve saved it to the desktop as ALL PUSSY, he’ll never look there.”

Francis notes that all five victims were European shorthairs, but Pascal says that that’s not right because he hasn’t yet added the sixth victim. Francis is shocked because he didn’t know that there had been another victim and Pascal says that Felicity has been killed.

I…I…don’t…I…can’t….even…LOOK! LOOK WHAT I WROTE JUST A FEW LINES AGO!

All males

You can’t even keep basic continuity within the space of TWO GODDAMN MINUTES!? If Pascal knows Felicity’s been murdered whey would he say that all the victims were male oh why am I even bothering? Francis runs back to Felicity’s house and finds her body, her head literally ripped off, blood and viscera everywhere and it is so fucking appallingly graphic that I don’t actually think I can show it to you so please just make do with this substitute image.

220px-WomaninRefrigerator

 Later, Francis and Bluebeard discuss the murder in Francis’ backyard. Francis says that Felicity’s eyes were wide open “as if, even to the last she wanted nothing more than to see.”

Or, maybe she was just awake. Who can say? Who can say. Who. Can. Say.

Francis swears vengeance on the killer and reasons that Felicity was killed because she spoke to him and presumably knew too much. The movie then transitions to it’s most technically accomplished and morally abominable sequence where Francis dreams that he’s on a landscape of cat corpses stretching beneath a blood-red sky as far as the horizon. The animation and arty style switches to something much closer to Gerald Scarfe’s animated scenes in Pink Floyd-The Wall and a monstrous Gregor Mendel bursts through the corpses and causes them to dance like marionettes around a terrified Francis.

5

4

2

1

So.

Those of you who have seen this movie and have been leaving cryptic, ominous, “oh you’re gonna love it mwa-ha-ha” type messages in the comments…this is probably the scene you were talking about, yes?

Okay. My thoughts.

Firstly, can I offer the opinion that Friar Gregor Mendel, a real person, a great scientist and the father of modern genetics, deserved better than to be portrayed in this piece of scheiße as Stromboli of the Zombie Cats?

Secondly…alright. I firmly believe that no topic should be taboo in art. I’ve said this before. If it’s part of the common human experience our art most reflect and comment on it.

But some subjects must be dealt with very, very carefully. They cannot be treated lightly, flippantly or perfunctorily. You’ve got to be smart. You’ve got to be sure of what you’re saying and why you’re saying it. And you cannot simply use it for shock value or to try to give your work a “seriousness” that it has not earned. And probably at the very top of that list is the Holocaust.

If you use holocaust imagery simply because you just think it’s dark or cool or shocking, go fuck yourself.

Seriously.

Find a way.

Now, someone is probably reading this and saying “No, Mouse. You don’t get it. See the movie is actually about…”

Ohhhhhhhh I get it. I know what they think they’re trying to do. But when you actually understand the killer’s plan and how this metaphor is actually supposed to work, I must warn you that the level of stupidity may actually be hazardous. You may lose a good chunk of brain matter, people. Write down anything important that you need to remember before continuing to the end of the review because doctors have told me it’s around the same risk neurologically as drinking paint.  If Maus is the Schindler’s List of using animals as stand-ins to retell the story of the Holocaust, then Felidae is Uwe Boll’s Auschwitz.

That bright little trifle dispensed with Francis wakes up in a bit of a tizzy and decides to go hunting. He finds some rats in the basement “darting about, enjoying themselves, busy, busy, busy, waiting for the day when they’d take over the world.”

"Soon, my brothers. Soon."

“Soon, my brothers. Soon.”

So while chasing rats Francis accidentally turns on a VCR because he’s a really good detective and this VCR just happens to contain information vital to his investigation because of course it does. The video is a blooper real of the single WORST SCIENTIST IN HISTORY (and I include in that the Russian who made a two-headed dog) Doctor Preterious. Preterious and his assistants, Ziebold and Grey, set out to make a glue that could seal wounds in living tissue. Okay, so first off the bat that’s a kind of stupid idea. Closing wounds is actually not something that medical science struggles with anymore. Stitches and bandages do the job just fine. This is like inventing a coffee mug that can make phonecalls. I mean sure, not entirely useless, but there’s already a readily-available technology that does the job perfectly well. The glue was tested on cats and through the video diary Preterious reveals that the first experiment was a failure and instead of closing the wound the glue ate it’s way right into the subject’s brain like goddamn xenomorph blood.

Well deserved, gentlemen.

Well deserved, gentlemen.

So, they built the mug, and not only did it not make phonecalls, but it gave everyone cancer. How do you fail that badly at something without supernatural powers? How do you make a glue, that’s just supposed to seal wounds, and instead is a thousand times worse than if you’d just used REGULAR FUCKING GLUE?

So they give up right? Daunted by the sheer scale of their own incompetence they quit lab work and retire in shame to work as science correspondents for the Daily Mail, right? Pah! Why stop at failure, when you can have a complete fucking fiasco? They keep liquidating cats with their death glue (can you even call it glue? It doesn’t glue anything! IT’S ANTI-GLUE! STOP CALLING IT GLUE!). Every experiment fails and Preterious descends into alchoholic madness, muttering “It simply defies logic!”

"Understatement of the EPOCH."

“Understatement of the EPOCH.”

Preterious remarks that a young stray cat has wandered into the lab (presumably drawn by the smell of liquidated cat brain and terror) and the good doctor says that they’ve made him their mascot. Hell, put the cat in charge of research, you’ll probably get better results!

As the video goes on, Preterious complains bitterly that the lab’s funding has been cut…

Well duh

…and so they’ve resorted to using the young stray as their final test subject. The glue finally works (oh and that was totally worth it) and an ecstatic Preterious names the stray “Claudandus”.

You know how Hitler’s father was actually born with the surname “Snikelgruber” and there’s always been this joke that if he hadn’t changed his name to “Hitler” then WW2 would never have happened because who’s going to follow Adolf Snikelgruber? I kind of feel like this whole movie might have been avoided if Preterious had just named Claudandus “Mr Tiddlewhiskers”.  Preterious concludes that Claudandus is a mutant, which is why the glue doesn’t kill him.

Seriously, if the only reason why your medical treatment isn’t killing your patient is because they’re a child of the frickin’ atom, just pack it in. Alright, so things go from bad to worse. His assistants leave him and an increasingly unhinged Preterious starts a breeding programme in the lab to create new subjects. His funding completely gone, he labors on in the filthy, blood-caked lab, lit by candles and kept company only by the unfortunate animals he tortures day after day. The final moments of the log have Preterious ranting that Claudandas is telling him to release him and face him in hand to hand combat and then the tape cuts out.

I’ve been bitching a lot so I will give the movie credit and say that Preterious’ Apocalypse Log is creepy as balls.

Francis is interrupted by Kong bursting into the basement to attack him for…absolutely no goddam reason, I don’t fucking even. Kong chases Francis outside but they stop when they come across the body of another murdered cat. A female. With her throat clawed out. And her unborn kittens torn out of her and lying by her side.

I wish this movie was a person, so I could spit in its face.

Kong is distraught because apparently the dead cat is Solitaire, his favorite girl and the mother of his kittens.

220px-WomaninRefrigerator

He rounds on Frankie yelling “what kind of heartless bastard would do this?!”

"Or indeed, animate it?"

“Or indeed, animate it?”

But they’re interrupted by a rustling in the bushes and an old grey cat makes a run for it, fleeing over the wall, pausing only to briefly glance back at them and oh my God you have got to be shitting me.

The same damn cat

Well, when a character design is this good, you have to use it three times! I mean, it would be criminal not to!

Kong and his lackies run off after the old cat but Francis hangs back and sees him double back and follows him from a distance. The old cat is vanishes into a tunnel that leads underground. Francis is joined by Bluebeard and together they explore the tunnel. They find themselves in a chamber with literally hundreds of dead cats. They find the old cat who says that he is the guardian of the dead and his name is Isiah Isaiha Issaiha Bill. His name is Bill. Bill tells Francis that once he was trapped in a terrible place of pain and fear with many other cats, but that the prophet Claudandus set them free. He says that Joker raised him in these catacombs but then left to spread the gospel of Claudandus and that shortly afterward the first body appeared and he heard Claudandus’ voice telling him to hide the bodies and watch over them and also never leave again and just stay down there. With hundreds of rotting corpses. And also he’s not allowed get sick and die. Fortunately for the prophet, Bill follows orders like a goddam marine.

Back on the surface Francis tells Bluebeard that they’re not dealing with seven murders, but hundreds. He also wonders why the seven victims that they were originally investigating weren’t stashed down in the catacombs with the rest of them. Francis goes home to think about this some more, but he gets distracted by the arrival of a strange blonde female cat named Nhozemphtekh (gesundheit) who starts rolling around on the ground and why is the porno sax music starting up and OH MY GOD STOP NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT WANT!

Sex scene

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?!

Some one had to draw this. Someone had to spend weeks and weeks and weeks animating two cartoon cats fucking. You just think about that.

So. That happens. And then, because Francis is a gentleman, he asks what her name is and she tells him he doesn’t need to know and that she simply “is”. Francis has never seen a cat like her before and asks if she’s a new breed.

"Oh my Gawd Francis you can't just ask someone if they're a new breed."

“Oh my Gawd Francis you can’t just ask someone if they’re a new breed.”

She says no, and that her breed is very old. And also new. Okay, show of hands, is there is anybody in this movie that can go without contradicting themselves for two fruckin’ minutes? No? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

Later, Bluebeard stops by and Francis tells him to go and find Joker and tell him that they want to talk with him about the murders. Meanwhile, Francis is going to go and consult with Pascal the Keyboard Cat. Francis also asks Bluebeard if he knows anything about his new fuck buddy, and Bluebeard says that there have been lots of cats of that new breed showing up in the neighbourhood and they’re considered to be designer pets. Bluebeard says that they’re not like other cats though. He says that they’re wild and dangerous and ruinin’ the neighbourhood and takin’ our jobs dagnabbit.

Francis tells Pascal everything that he’s found and Pascal’s all “Mmmm…that’s good sleuthin!” and Francis asks to use the Felidae database to see who’s gone missing over the year to see if all the victims have anything in common. He also asks why the killer has now started to leave the bodies above ground and Pascal suggests that perhaps he’s trying to send them a message. Pascal says that the local cats would be too stupid to understand any such message and Francis says that maybe the message is only intended for one particularly intelligent cat and oh for the love of Pete. Movie? How about you just do a text crawl onscreen telling us all the pertinent information so we can just go home? Anything’s better than pretending that these two are actually doing any real detective work instead of just magically arriving at the conclusions they need to move the story forward.

"There seven victims!"

“There were seven victims!”

"Yes, but a cat has nine lives. Nine times seven is...63!"

“Yes, but a cat has nine lives. Nine times seven is…63!”

"Holy Catfish! That means the killer is holed up in No. 6 on 3rd avenue!

“Holy Catfish! That means the killer is holed up in No. 6 on 3rd avenue!

"Precisely Francis! To the catmobile!"

“Precisely Francis! To the catmobile!”

Bluebeard arrives and says that he checked Joker’s home and that he’s gone. Pascal reasons that he’s the killer and has fled now that he knows that they’re on to him but Francis doesn’t buy that someone that crazy would just give up. Francis and Bluebeard head back over to Francis’ and Bluebeard warns Francis to watch his back, as he’s probably pretty high on the killer’s shit list. Francis is worried about Pascal, but Bluebeard says that since Pascal was neutered years ago the killer won’t go near him as he’s only targeted non-castrated cats. Well, yeah, but didn’t you just say that he’d kill Francis because he’s on the killer’s trail? Do you really think he’s going to let Pascal live and eventually expose him just because he’s been fixed? I actually like the fact that all the inconsistencies in this movie are so closely grouped together, it prevents a lot of going back and forth. Anyway, Bluebeard says that it doesn’t really matter because Pascal has stomach cancer just in case you were starting to feel any joy again.

Alright, so Francis and Pascal address a meeting of all the neighbourhood cats and Pascal tells them that they now know the killer was responsible for the deaths of 450 cats over the last fourteen years and the murders were linked to the experiments in Preterious’ lab. Francis says that he knows that many of the cats worship Claudandus who died on Preterious’ operating table many years ago but he’s interrupted by a voice who says “He didn’t die.”

Ah. And you are?

Ah. And you are?

Francis asks the little kitten what she knows and she says that Claudandus challenged Joker to battle and killed him. Francis asks her how she knows this and she says that her great-grandfather, Joker, told her.

Yeah.

So, we’ve never seen this character before. We never see her again. We don’t even learn her name. Her only purpose in this script is to just show up, give our heroes some vital information that they could have learned through their own agency, and then presumably vanishes as she is raised off the stage by a crane operated by some ancient Greek stagehands. Maaaaaan I am glad we got to spend so much time with fucking Archie listening to how much he loves parquet floors instead of maybe, I dunno, establishing this vital character earlier on in the narrative so this might actually feel halfway organic. Seriously, she just appears, gives the line and then she’s gone! You can’t do that!

"Mouse! Ive come to warn you! Blucatt is coming for you and is going to enact a terrible revenge!"

“Mouse! My name is Handsome Jim! Ive come to warn you! Blucatt is coming for you and is going to enact a terrible revenge!”

“Wait what?! I have so many questions! How do you know who I am?! What do you know about Blucatt?! You cant just..."

“Wait what?! I have so many questions! How do you know who I am?! What do you know about Blucatt?! You can’t just…”

"No time! HANDSOME JIM AWAY!!!"

“No time! HANDSOME JIM AWAY!!!”

“There. See how annoying that is?"

“There. See how annoying that is?”

Pascal tells the cats that Joker took on the name Claudandus and was behind the murders but that thanks to Francis he’s fled. Francis isn’t so sure, and gets Bluebeard to take him back to Joker’s house. Francis Joker’s body on top of a shelf, his throat shredded.

"You wanna know how I got these scars?"

“You wanna know how I got these scars?”

Francis notes that Joker didn’t struggled and that this looks more like an execution than an assault. Francis thinks that the only way Joker would have allowed himself to be killed would be if the killer was Claudandus himself and reasons that the prophet must still be alive.

Back at Francis’ house Gus has fallen asleep with a book on Egyptian hieroglyphics open and Francis notices a depiction of a cat that looks a lot like Nhozemphtekh. He gets an idea and pulls down a book on genetics, and starts reading about the theories of Gregor Mendel. The movie also refers to Mendel as a Jesuit priest (he was actually an Augustinian friar) but shit, like that’s the most inaccurate thing about his portrayal in this movie?

Francis says that the killings are part of an attempt to breed the neighbourhood cats back to their origins and that all the victims were killed for trying to breed with Nhozemphtekh and other cats like her. Francis curses his stupidity for not realising this sooner, particularly for not twigging that the faceless man in his dream was Preterious (because he’s…psychic? Is that why? He’s a psychic cat?).

Francis and Bluebeard head over to Pascal’s, with Bluebeard going through the kitchen and Francis heading upstairs to hack into Pascal’s computer. He sees that Pascal has maintained a meticulous log of the sex lives of every cat in the neighbourhood. Pascal enters behind him and asks if he’s figured it out yet. And Francis says that he thinks he understands, and calls him “Claudandus”.

Alright.
So.
Just for the sake of clarity, let’s go back over everything we know about Claudandus and his master plan.
  1. Claudandus was subjected to unethical experiments by Doctor Preterious many years ago.
  2. He escaped by mimicking human speech and convincing a drunken and insane Preterious to release him from his cage, whereupon he tore out his throat.
  3. After escaping he became the pet of one of the other researchers who worked for Preterious, a geneticist named Ziebold, and changed his name to Pascal.
  4. Having become convinced that human beings were truly evil, Pascal concocted the plan “Felidae”, to create a new superior breed of cats who could overthrow humanity using the theories of Gregor Mendel and a computer. Miss Piggy
  5.   He created a database of all cats in the area. Whenever a cat that Pascal deemed genetically inferior tried to mate, Pascal would magically appear like a genie from a fucking lamp and try to convince them to just take a cold shower. If the cat refused after several attempts at persuasion, Pascal would kill them. This went on for anywhere between nine and fourteen years (depending on whether the movie is set in 1989 when the book was released or 1994 when the movie was) and in that time Pascal killed 450 cats. None of Pascal’s victims ever escaped. None of them ever fought back and managed to defeat him. There were never any witnesses. None of the cats he tried to convince not to mate ever said to their buddies “Yeah I was lookin’ to get some last night and then Pascal totally cockblocked me and starting rambling about how my dick had no role in the creation of the master race and what’s even up with that guy?” Even when he was old, decrepit and riddled with cancer, Pascal was such an invincible baddass that he was able to lethally police the sex lives of every moggy in the area without anyone ever noticing.
  6. Facing death, and needing an heir, Pascal began leaving the bodies out in the open in the hope that someone would be smart enough to get what he was trying to say by leaving murdered bodies out in the open. Someone who just got him, y’know?
  7. Upon meeting Francis, a cat who was trying to solve these murders and was clearly horrified by them, Pascal decided that he would be the perfect candidate to continue his project of single-handedly overthrowing the entire human race worldwide by selectively breeding a new breed of cat in this one small German suburb.
YOU KNOW. JUST LIKE HITLER DID.
GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
This is why I have such a big problem with the use of Holocaust imagery earlier in the film. I said in the Pocahontas review that there’s nothing I hate more than a dumb movie that thinks it’s smart and MY GOD is this a dumb movie with delusions of grandeur. It thinks it’s this big, serious, important commentary on Nazism and eugenics and forces you to sit through so much unpleasantness and horrific imagery because it thinks it’s earned that. But the whole premise is just so ridiculous that it utterly fails as allegory.
Oh but we still have a little more stupid to fit in. Francis asks why Pascal killed Joker and he says because he would have told Francis everything and that Joker agreed to be killed. Yeah. So, he was loyal enough to DIE for Pascal, just not loyal enough to keep his mouth shut. Maybe he was just irrepressibly chatty.
So anyway Pascal is all “blah blah blah join me and we shall rule the galaxy” and Francis is all “yadda yadda yadda I will never join you, you killed my father” and then he tried to delete the Felidae file Pascal leaps at him which knocks the computer over which causes the monitor to burst and set the curtains on fire. So this is our climactic battle boys and girls. Though, since Claudandas is probably 14 years old, (assuming the movie is set in 1994 and that Claudandus was less than a year old when he was adopted by Preterious) this means that Francis is basically fighting the equivalent of an eighty year old man. With stomach cancer.
They battle in the burning study while the portrait of Mendel glowers ominously over them.
LEAVE MENDEL ALONE! THE DUDE JUST WANTED TO GROW BETTER PLANTS!

LEAVE MENDEL ALONE!
THE DUDE JUST WANTED TO GROW BETTER PLANTS!

Francis finally defeats Pascal/Claudandus by ripping open his vivisection scars and causing his guts to fall out. Yeah. But he was totally able to kill 450 cats and not get a scratch.

“The horror.” Pascal gasps as he lies dying “So much pain and darkness.”

“Hey, leave the review to me buddy."

“Hey, leave the review to me, pal.”

 Francis flees downstairs and finds Bluebeard’s unconcious body and drags it out before the whole house burns down. Francis collapses on the snow, exhausted and bloodied, and he reflects on Claudandus.

“He lost his innocence.” Francis whispers “As man lost his.”

Well. He definitely lost something.

And so the movie ends with Francis going of to screw Nhozemphtekh. He leaves us with this thought; “Don’t give up on the idea of a world in which all animals and people can live together. Perhaps all need to evolve, to grow a bit more. Maybe we all need to grow into Felidae.”

"Dont. You. Dare."

“Don’t. You. Dare.”

***

So that was Felidae, the thing I now hate more than any other. This movie just left me drained and miserable.

I think I’ve said everything I needed to say. I don’t even have the energy to wrap this up, that’s it. I’m done. See you in two weeks.

Scoring
Animation: 14/20
Goes up and down, but overall pretty strong.
Leads: 02/20
Grrrrrrrrrr…
Villain: 01/20
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Supporting Characters: 02/20
Grrrrrrrrrr…
Music: 11/20
Actually pretty nice.
FINAL SCORE: 30%
NEXT UPDATE: 01 April 2015
NEXT TIME:
"Hey Mouse, you finished the review?"

“Hey Mouse, you finish the review?”

"Yeah. Finally. All clear out here?"

“Yeah. Finally. Any trouble?”

"Nah man, quiet as a muthafucka out here. Oh, Walt stopped by. Wanted me to give you this."

“Nah man, quiet as a muthafucka up in here. Oh, Walt stopped by. Wanted me to give you this.”

“A note?"

“A note?”

Forgive

"Walt gave you this?"

“Walt gave you this?”

"Yeah he...MOUSE HIT THE DECK! AAAAARGH!"

“Yeah he…MOUSE HIT THE DECK! AAAAARGH!”

"ASIA!"

“ASIA!”

"Heeeeeeeey buddy. Still cant handle the scary movies, can you?"

“Heeeeeeeey buddy. Still can’t handle the scary movies, huh?”

"You…you killed Gangsta Asia! Why?! Who are you!?"

“You…you killed Gangsta Asia! WHO ARE YOU!?”

"You know who I am."

“You know who I am.”

"NO! NO MORE GAMES JUST TELL ME! WHO ARE YOU?! THE HORNED KING?! DARK WALT?! TARAN_WANDERER_2?! NOEL COONAN, TD FOR TIPPERARY NORTH?! WHO?!"

“NO! NO MORE GAMES JUST TELL ME! WHO ARE YOU?! THE HORNED KING?! DARK WALT?! TARAN_WANDERER_2?! NOEL COONAN, TD FOR TIPPERARY NORTH?! WHO?!”

"You really dont know. Oh Mouse..."

“You really don’t know. Oh Mouse, that hurts me…”

"But not as much as Im going to hurt you."

“But not as much as I’m going to hurt you.”

“Don Bluth..."

“Don Bluth…”

"That’s right Mouse. It’s finally time for you to pay for what you did to me."

“That’s right Mouse. It’s finally time for you to pay for what you did to me.”

"That was a long time ago Don. I’ve put it behind me."

“That was a long time ago Don. I’ve put it behind me.”

"But what about your readers? Have they put it behind them?"

“But what about your readers? Have they put it behind them?”

"Mouse? What is he talking about?"

“Mouse? What is he talking about?”

“STAY OUT OF THIS NALA THIS DOESNT CONCERN YOU!”

“STAY OUT OF THIS NALA THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU!”

"Ah. So you HAVEN’T told them. Well. Now’s your chance. My movies used to be dark, gripping and atmospheric. Then they became sugary, cutesy and utter shit."

“Ah. So you HAVEN’T told them. Well. Now’s your chance. My movies used to be dark, gripping and atmospheric. Then they became sugary, cutesy and utter shit.”

"Yes."

“Yes.”

"And whos fault is that, Unshaved Mouse?"

“And who’s fault is that, Unshaved Mouse?”

“...”

“…”

"ANSWER ME!"

“ANSWER ME!”

“...”

“…”

“Mine.”

“Mine.”

 

TO BE CONTINUED

***
Neil Sharpson aka The Unshaved Mouse is a playwright, blogger and comic book writer living in Dublin. The blog updates with a new animated movie review every second Thursday. He’s also serialising his novel The Hangman’s Daughter with a new chapter every Saturday. Today’s review was made possible by the kind donation of Veronica Trump. Thanks Veronica!

95 comments

  1. Don Bluth is back. The greatest animator ever is back. The greatest director ever is back. Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    In honor of cat month. Meow, Mrow, Mrow, Mrow, Mreow.
    RIP gangsta Asia. I look forward to you undying. I wonder how Europe feels about this.

  2. “It’s a cat using a computer!” – Said the mouse sitting on a keyboard.

    I’ve written replies before, and I have been a follower for quite some time. I have always enjoyed your writing style and I love your sense of humor. I’m very sorry about this movie and how much you hate it. This review for me was very difficult to follow. The longer I was reading the more I felt my brain struggling to comprehend what was going on. Finally, I just gave up as it seems way too much a mess. I’ve never seen this movie nor will I ever see it.

    I also agree with your comment that stories should never use sensitive subjects for flare. To me I always feel it’s poor writing taste.

    Now then, with all that said and done, I need to go do smart things or watch science stuff because logic and brain – um – uh – brain…..I have Q.I! Okay! So difficult to read all that.

      1. True story – I had a rat once, and sometimes when she was in my room she’d crawl over my lap and go across my keyboard. She couldn’t spell for shit, mind you, but her little paws could definitely press individual keys.

      2. No, no, that’s not what I meant! She had a natural life for a rat. Went a bit potty at the end and ate her sister’s foot. She wouldn’t have known how to use a computer by then, though. It’s… it’s probably for the best.

  3. WELP
    Welp
    welp
    well that just happened.

    What I can’t figure out… like, what really stumps me about this… I mean, quite aside from the sheer revoltingness of the film itself – which I have not seen and don’t intend to…

    This is a film that all those arty-farties/furries/psychopaths on Rotten Tomatoes called ‘intelligent and mature’. More repulsive and full of holes than a three-month-old kitchen sponge. More deus ex machina than an Indian religious figurine factory. More nonsensical than psdfuh sfrjjwcvm bcdwjf drufcwasoooip. I have so many questions.
    1. Why?
    2. WHY???
    3. If they were going with the Holocaust angle, why did they use Mendel instead of Mengele? Did someone on the production team hate peas that badly?
    4. There’s already such a thing as surgical glue! If it was ready to seal up my sister’s head in 2000, surely someone had started on it well before 1994?
    5. How did the cats learn to read? All of the cats?
    6. How do their stubby digits type? They have neither human fingers, nor delicate, dexterous mouse-paws.
    7. Who would do this? I’m just trying to imagine someone thinking through the same things I do when I’m working on a story. ‘Is this something other people would enjoy? Are there any unfortunate implications here? Yes, this story is worth pouring hours and hours of my finite life into.’
    8. Are there any Germans among the fanbase here who can explain? At all?

    On the plus side, though, I’m pleased to discover that ‘Katzenthriller’ is apparently a word.

    1. In response to point #7, I get it. I totally get where you are coming from, because I am right there too. How could someone make this? This reminds me of Mr. Enter’s vlog about Where the Dead Go to Die. I can’t comprehend where this can from, especially since I am a writer myself. I wanted to add biblical parallels to a story I was writing. A few months later, a few edits made the story better, but those parallels didn’t fit anymore.
      It’s like the writer/director/whoever came up with this idea, wrote it down in one sitting, and thought editing would kill the artistic integrity.

      1. Me: ‘The hollow…’ No, ‘the void…’ No, wait, ‘hollow’ was better. Wait. ‘There was a terrible absence…’ Ugh, no.
        Them: Yes, OF COURSE it’s essential that we show the brutally murdered pregnant cat in a pool of her offsprings’ blood.

  4. Perhaps it’s just that I have a thing for darker, “clearly not for kids” animation films, but suddenly I have an urge to see this film.

    I shall thank or curse you later.

  5. While I don’t hate this movie as much as you do, I agree that it was trying way to hard to be some edgy piece of social commentary. And I didn’t need to see all that crap like beheadings and cats having their brains burned through and cat sex. Also when Francis sliced Pascal’s guts open I both laughed my ass off and shook my head in disgust. It was just so dumb.

    Also the animation kind of reminds me of Don Bluth animation. Ya know, if Bluth were a deranged psycho.

  6. You know why it’s so popular? The internet will instantly attach itself to anything it thinks is avant garde. It’s the nature of the hipster.
    And furries. Always furries.

      1. Huh. Hey, just out of curiosity… what’s the deal with that whole thing? Are there certain animals that are more, uh, appealing than others? Is a flamingo as sexy as a wombat or a Komodo dragon? Does it not matter, so long as they have boobs and a come-hither expression?

  7. Hey, Mendeleev was a cool guy, and WAY ahead of his time! He’s the father of modern genetics, which has lead to a much better understanding of human diseases and medicine. Why would this movie demonize him so?

  8. I waited a long time for this review, and it did not disappoint. *maniacal laugh* Seriously, I loved your reactions to this, and the Ultimate Warrior references were just the icing on the cake!

      1. You’re welcome. I hope you make it through this conflict with Blucatt, Simba. Uh, I mean, Mouse!

  9. I was wondering on what side you would end on…it’s one of those movies you either hate for being gross or admire for being edgy. I am somewhere in-between, in that I actually like the what the movie is trying to do and I always appreciate animation which is adult and not all about sex, but in this case I don’t think that it succeeds. And the animation…well, I think there is exactly one German Animated movie which is worth watching for the animation, and that is “The Adventures of Prince Achmed”. Otherwise we used to leave animation to the Czech. They used to be the master of it, especially when it comes to stop-motion.

    Though I think that the book mostly succeeded because the idea was unusual and genetic and cloning was such a big theme back when it was published.

  10. That was a really great review, and probably the strongest from you I’ve seen in a while. Now I’ll go back to doing my english work (I’m in a lesson right now).

      1. Also, please bring Asia back. I’d miss him. Can continents can resurrect? (And that has to be the weirdest fucking question I’ve ever asked, but then this blog is a little trippy…?)

      2. Oh yay! I haven’t trawled through in a while, I forgot about SMOWE’s death. I only started reading May last year anyhow.

      1. Oh yes, the Marry the Mole song was an animation pinnacle that would never again be reached. 😛

      2. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but usually the clothes are not animated past the body underneath. If the wind blows, the dress will be still, the sleeves of jackets and shirts only bend at the joints, dresses act like they are stiff as a board. Seriously, whenever you watch older animation watch the clothes. There’s no life there. Around BatB you start to see some movement in important scenes, but not everywhere. In Tangled, Rapunzel’s dress moves. This type of animation is only seen once in an older movie, and that was Thumbelina. It was actually like she had legs under that dress, not just legs coming out of it.

    1. I don’t understand the hatred Anastasia gets. Even NChick’s scathing review essentially boiled down to “it’s too much like a Disney movie!” which, in my book, isn’t a legitimate criticism of it’s quality.

      1. My problem is it is it could have been great, and it settled for good, not that it was a Disney clone.

  11. So I guess Secret of NIMH is next?
    Anyways, nice review. Based on what you’ve said, it’s like what Mr. Enter said about most animated adult TV shows (22 minutes of shock humor with “social commentary” deliberately designed to be “edgy”). But instead of 22, it’s 90, I guess in this case (how long is this movie?).

    1. I wouldn’t put it quite like that…the movie is based on a book after all, so it is not about being edgy in animation, it is about trying to adapt the book and deciding that animation is the best way to do it.

  12. Never heard of this film but I’ll steer clear. So many things that didn’t make sense. Also, if they were catching the male cats in the mating game, why were the female cats targeted? So confused

  13. Oh…a film that thinks it’s a really smart piece of edgy social commentary when it’s actually really, really, dumb and unpleasant.

    Reminds me of a movie I saw in early March.

    It was about a robot……..named Chappie.

    -_-

    1. O_o Do tell. I’ve had my eye on that one because I’m writing a book with a robotic (sort of) police force and wondered how they were going to tackle it.

      1. Flat unlikeable gangster characters that you don’t care for get the most screen time and Hugh Jackman’s character is probably the WORST villain I’ve ever seen in a sci fi film, the robot Chappie is fine even though he does too much gangster crap.

        Movie has some social commentary but it uses that as a crux for poor writing and I didn’t think it was executed very well, and…the ending is really, really, dumb. -_-

      1. Also about the whole part of the film not actually connecting Sacha to the sex theory, that’s just the film accidentally leaving out an important plot point.

        When reading the book, chapter 2 tells us that Francis, after sniffing the corpse, noticed that the body was recently “excited” before dying. I haven’t finished reading the book so I can’t point out some of the major or minor differences, like if Bluebeard died at the end, or if any dream sequences were left out.

  14. *cracks knuckles*

    WELL THEN. THAT WAS MONEY WELL SPENT!

    I do like this movie (and even after reading your review, I still do), but I’m well aware that it’s not for everyone.

    Which is why I picked it.

    Why pick a movie that’s an obvious target like “A Troll in Central Park” when you can subject someone to something darker and uglier than anything else they’ve reviewed? And now I can take pleasure in being the one who introduced you to the darkest and ugliest thing you’ll ever review (besides Fritz the Cat. muahahaha).

    Do you still remember the comment I made on your Foodfight review?

    ” LadyPlague: My god is this film terrible. I’d tear it apart myself, but I’ve already seen so many people (yourself included) do it so much better than I ever could. Whoever was responsible for the “industrial espionage” should be given the nobel prize for peace.

    Also, don’t think I didn’t notice that reference to Felidae. I can only imagine what must have been floating in your head when you got to that scene. (only 8 more months to go…)

    Unshaved Mouse: I…honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. Haven’t watched it yet”

    I don’t know if you figured it out ol mousey, but I was referring to a detail in that review.

    “Music: 0%
    The songs in this will have you pining for the musical genius of Am I feeling Love?, Ke$ha’s Blahblahblah and cats fucking in alleyways.”

    So tell me mouse, WERE THE CATS FUCKING IN THE ALLEYWAYS STILL BETTER THAN THE MUSIC IN FOODFIGHT!? MUAHAHAHHAHA!!!

    When you referenced us commenters chuckling about the graphic scenes, I’d have to say that while I was curious about your thoughts on the dreams, I was looking forward to seeing you squirm during the sex scene.

    Thank you for the review btw, I’m happy to have donated, and if you excuse me, I have a cult to return to. You actually saw a couple of our members cameo in this film, and we’re happy to have your support.

    #forlarry

      1. *twirls her fake curly moustache* That I am paper alchemist. That I am.

        (I’m just happy to see quite a mix of movies requested. You’ve got your good, your bad, and your UGLY. Coraline’s fine by me.)

      2. Oh, no. I LOVE Coraline. I requested it for the same reason as you: people have interesting reactions to it, what with the whole ‘nightmares forever’ thing and its kooky aesthetic.
        I’m *glad* this isn’t a one-note blog. Thanks for prompting an enjoyable review.

      3. If her avatar is light aqua-turquoisey-blue-green, she’s in.

        Also, if I ever manage to be anything other than hilariously broke, your next ordeal shall be Space Chimps.

  15. 0.0 Talk about plot twist! Fun fact, I’ve actually met Don Bluth! He lives a few miles from me in Scottsdale, and in his spare time directs plays for the Southwest Shakespeare Company. 😁

  16. Aw Mouse, you poor thing :(. I was asking myself the same question as to what you were watching. My dad would call it weapons-grade cat-shit (we usually use “dog,” but it’s a cat movie). I know what might cheer you up :D. *Packs some brain bleach, some yummy cookies with shamrocks on them, and a region 2 DVD of “Mousehunt.”*
    That’ll make you feel better :). That movie always makes me laugh because the mouse is such a fun, cute character. Don’t be fooled by the title. The little mousie in the movie is too smart to get caught, hehe.

    Btw, I saw ur wife today in the new “Cinderella.” She played one of the adorable mice Ella was friends with. I didn’t know she could act, did you? Either that or it’s one of your female relatives. Either way, the mice in it were very cute and helpful in the movie.

  17. Never heard about this movie before. Truly excellent review Mouse.

    Oh but we still have a little more stupid to fit in. Francis asks why Pascal killed Joker and he says because he would have told Francis everything and that Joker agreed to be killed. Yeah. So, he was loyal enough to DIE for Pascal, just not loyal enough to keep his mouth shut. Maybe he was just irrepressibly chatty.

    Good catch, but that’s also stupid because Pascal just told Francis everything himself…

  18. I don’t quite get what any of this had to do with the Holocaust, still. I get that there’s the eugenics angle, but eugenics was long before and long after (all the way up to the modern day, what with the record-high numbers of babies with Down Syndrome being aborted) the Holocaust. Why not just make a movie criticizing eugenics, and leave the Holocaust imagery out of it?

    1. Sadly the Nazi’s are not only infamous for killing “lesser” people and encouraging “good German woman” to get as many children as possible with the right kind of man, they also did some really horrifying medical experiences themselves.

      And it is a German movie based on a German bestseller. Which should tell you everything. We just like to torture ourselves.

      1. just to clarify: I know the Nazis were heavy into the eugenics movement; I just wanted to point out that the movement came about long before the Holocaust, and still survives to this day, so introducing a very broad concept like Nazi Germany/the Holocaust, which covers a lot of themes and events, seems rather unnecessary for a movie that’s just about eugenics.

  19. …Worse than Foodfight? I’m scared. Hmm, it’s too bad Fiedelman turned out to be a dud, methinks. I mean come on, you’ve outsarcasmed Europe, that’s got to be a bad sign!

    Yeesh. Forget 80s wrestler, I’m pretty sure Bluebeard was hoping for an audition as Gene Simmons’s cat. …Great, cat murders? Is this a spin-off of Sweeney Todd coming from the first song Mrs. Lovett sings? And is it a coincidence that the first story to turn up on Snopes when I looked it up to check I had White Wilderness’s name right was one claiming Taco Bell put cats in their tacos? Hmm, maybe you’ll have an asylum mate soon.

    Hey, why are you telling the cat to get out of the Beldam’s space? How is Coraline supposed to get clued in? And who’s going to kill those kangaroo rats? You’ve gotta think these things through, Mouse! Also, why are you surprised cats know things about the Hebrews? Have you seen Israel? It’s just cats as far as you can see. They probably know more about them than any of us!

    …Ok. Seriously. You need to be checked in. There was a character named Joker and you didn’t make a Batman joke. I mean, you can say some strange things sometimes for sure, but something that uncharacteristic has got to be a symptom of something. I mean come on, they’re cats! Catwoman joke just waiting to be made! This thing’s snapped you bad. You poor, poor soul, you. Also, I think I can add the symptom of critical irony recognition deficiency. A mouse typing up the statement that animals don’t use computers and submitting it to the internet would likely be something you’d lampshade were you at your full wit.

      1. A delayed one. It likely would have come immediately after the name drop under regular circumstances.

        Or, more likely, I’m terrible at diagnosing symptoms, which might explain why I was never given a doctorate.

  20. Hey there, Mouse, I know a thing or two about tooting ones’ horn, and I’d advise against it in the taxonomy department, or the beetles may have a bone to pick with you. Or at least they would if they had bones. And now you’ve got me curious, what would you say justified the use of Nazi-esque scenes in the Lion King over this? Your mention of tasteless Nazi imagery has left me itching to hear what disqualifies something as such. Though I must say, it’s a wonder this movie is that popular being made in the place the holocaust actually happened. One would think that wouldn’t fly in Deutschland.

    Y’know, I’m actually surprised you were reluctant to review Fritz the Cat, after seeing this thing and surviving, I somehow doubt you’d be possible to mortify. Also, Handsome Jim? No relation to Handsome Jack, I hope, right? Though my hopes aren’t up at this point. And hey, don’t blame Joker. Since when are cats not CHAT-ty? ………………….I really, really hope you’ve been traumatized to the point that bad puns won’t faze and/or enrage you, right? Right?!?

    Oh no! AAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Insurmountable in every land war, yet ended by a single feline. What cruel fate. Though come to think of it, I guess all he needs is to be Treguna Mekoides Trecorum Satis Dee’d back to the land of the up-and-kicking. Or at least for a prince to land on him after a near-lifetime of sailing and joyously kiss the ground, resurrecting him. Also, Bluth Catt!! Why couldn’t Mr. Wayne have solved it sooner? Why?!? And it turns out the Unshaved Mouse is responsible for the abomination that is A Troll In Central Park?!? Curiouser and curiouser! Now, on to never sleeping again, if not from the trauma of reading of this horrifying piece of work, then for fear of Mouse’s deadly revenge for failing to hold off on puns.

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