The Unshaved Mouse debates Noel Coonan, TD for Tipperary North
Today in the Dáil, a debate took place between Mr Noel Coonan, TD (Fine Gael, Tipperary North) and the Unshaved Mouse (Independent, Internet) on the subject of the recently introduced water charges and the public unrest and mass protest that have followed. Footage of the debate can be seen at the end of this article. Unfortunately, as Mr Mouse is a small rodent approximately 3 inches in length and has tiny, tiny little lungs, the Dáil’s recording apparatus were not sensitive enough to record his contributions to the debate. A transcript of the debate now follows.
“Because the people of Ireland have now seen what they are up against. Particularly the socialist led protest that was up there…”
“CRUSH OBAMACARE! Sorry, sorry, when you use the word “socialist” it sets off my programming, I follow a lot of American politics, please continue…”
“The disgraceful scenes that went on, what they did to people in power…”
“Look, I’m not denying that guy throwing a brick at a police car wasn’t the single worst thing to ever happen in the history of the Republic but that was an isolated incident…”
“I come from the town of of Templemore where we train every Garda in the country.”
“You do? Awesome. Could you train them not to bang women’s heads against lamposts? And if you’re already doing that, maybe some kind of refresher course to brush up on the fundamentals…?”
“And the people round there and right across the country that I’ve met…”
“Possible, you do stretch across the country.”
“And they are now concerned by what they see as elements and socialists led by the so-called wealthy socialist party led by the Murph and company…”
“Ah the Murph. My favourite Dr Seuss character. Oh wait, you mean Paul Murphy, the Anti-Austerity Alliance TD. Well, he does come from a wealthy background. But are you saying we shouldn’t trust him because he’s rich? ‘Cos that sounds kinda socialist. DEATH PANELS! Godammit…”
“And aided and abetted by extremists in our colleagues in Sinn Féin.”
“Political parties with their origins in violent revolutionary movements?! HOW COULD THIS COME TO PASS!? HOW, GOD?!”
“And the people have given us the signal that that needs to be nipped in the bud.”
“What exactly does the people giving you a signal look like?”
No, this is really more of a gentle suggestion.
“And if we do not, we are potentially facing an ISIS situation…”
“HAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay! Okay! You got me! You put one over old Mousey. Where’s the real guy?”
“C’mon guys, some of us have things to do. Where’s the guy I’m supposed to be debating?”
“…like in the Middle East if those people are allowed to get on with doing what they’re doing…”
“ARE YOU SHITTING ME THIS IS A REAL GUY?!”
“…God help this country, people realise that…”
“YES! GOD HELP THIS COUNTRY! OH MY CHRIST PEOPLE ELECTED YOU?! ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS?!”
“…so for that I think it was a great day for democracy…”
“NO! NO! BACK UP! WHO DID YOU RUN AGAINST?! WHO WAS THE COMPETITION?! THE ZOMBIFIED CORPSE OF JIMMY SAVILLE AND THE EBOLA VIRUS!? I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED!”
“Can you please refer to the deputies by their proper titles?”
“Oh yes! Priorities! I mean, the Islamic State is about to advance on Jobstown and behead every teenage mother in the district but heaven forfend proper parliamentary protocol isn’t observed!”
“And I really thing it was a disgrace what they were up to…”
“Who ISIS? Oh I agree, they’re just awful…oh, I see you’re referring to your fellow citizens.”
“To take one aspect of it, this has been primarily focused on water but this also has to deal with the sewage system in this country. As we know there are so many treatment plants that are either not up to standard or over capacity. No investment going into them. And as a consequence of that, the enviromental damage that is being done, has been witnessed in 42 of our rivers. That’s where we need the investment for, Irish Water offers that hope to us.”
“Holy shit, that actually sounded like a reasonable point. Ahem. While I do not dispute that our water and sewage infrastructure is desperately in need of investment, I and my fellow citizens simply cannot give our support to a government institution that has displayed such staggering incompetence, such glaring inefficiency, such barely concealed corruption and cronyism…”
“The people protesting in Dublin, they don’t care about the country people.”
“Hey, whoah, where did that come from, what? My God. Have I been so focused on what’s going on in Dublin that I’ve lost sight of what the country people want? The real Irish people? Could it be that they love Irish Water?”
DAMMIT I’M SO CONFUSED!!!
“Country people down throughout the years had to pay for their water.”
“Um, we do that too? We call it paying taxes. You know? Like the ones that paid for your XXXL shirt and industrial grade reinforced pants. “
“And they want to act like parasites, and live off the country people.”
“Say that again.”
“And they want to act like parasites…”
“One more time…”
“I am not going to waste one second longer here than it takes me to say this: I may be a mouse. But you, Noel Coonan. TD for North Tipperary?”
Oh, Mouse. American though I am, you don’t know how much I commiserate. How very, very much. 😦
Hush now. 2016 will be here before we know it.
Like a specter comprised of wintry shadows.
God if I only knew
Well… um… at least he was kinda sorta right about the water thing? Oh boy…
Actually, can this be the new ongoing feature instead? Political satire? Pretty please?
I was never too into Marvel anyways…
I’d get too depressed.
But the joy of the Marvel movies will taste much sweeter with a little bitterness in the mix! 😀
This fella and that other wagon who’s name escapes me at the moment from Dublin West must believe they have their seats totally sewn up for the next general election. It seems like political suicide to me.
Yeesh, you think this is bad, you should see the bull-hockey over water rights out here in the western US. It’s scary stuff, man.
I have and it is.
Reblogged this on Noahbirds1's Blog.
Ah, so Ireland has its own equivalent of Louie Gohmert. I’m so sorry, Mouse!