The Unshaved Mouse debates Noel Coonan, TD for Tipperary North

Today in the Dáil, a debate took place between Mr Noel Coonan, TD (Fine Gael, Tipperary North) and the Unshaved Mouse (Independent, Internet) on the subject of the recently introduced water charges and the public unrest and mass protest that have followed. Footage of the debate can be seen at the end of this article. Unfortunately, as Mr Mouse is a small rodent approximately 3 inches in length and has tiny, tiny little lungs, the Dáil’s recording apparatus were not sensitive enough to record his contributions to the debate. A transcript of the debate now follows.

"Because the people of Ireland have now seen what they are up against. Particularly the socialist led protest that was up there..."

“Because the people of Ireland have now seen what they are up against. Particularly the socialist led protest that was up there…”

"CRIUSH OBAMACARE! Sorry, sorry, when you use the word "socialist" it sets off my programming, I follow a lot of American politics, please continue..."

“CRUSH OBAMACARE! Sorry, sorry, when you use the word “socialist” it sets off my programming, I follow a lot of American politics, please continue…”

"The disgraceful scenes that went on, what they did to people in power..."

“The disgraceful scenes that went on, what they did to people in power…”

"Look, Im not denying that guy throwing a brick at a police car wasnt the single worst thing to every happen in the history of the Republic but that was an isolated incident..."

“Look, I’m not denying that guy throwing a brick at a police car wasn’t the single worst thing to ever happen in the history of the Republic but that was an isolated incident…”

"I come from the town of of Templemore where we train every Garda in the country?"

“I come from the town of of Templemore where we train every Garda in the country.”

"You do? Awesome. Could you train them not to bang womens heads against lamposts? And if youre already doing that, maybe some kind of refresher course to brush up on the fundamentals...?"

“You do? Awesome. Could you train them not to bang women’s heads against lamposts? And if you’re already doing that, maybe some kind of refresher course to brush up on the fundamentals…?”

"And the people round there and right across the country that Ive met across the country."

“And the people round there and right across the country that I’ve met…”

"Well in fairness, you do stretch across the country.""

“Possible, you do stretch across the country.”

"And they are now concerned by what they see as elements and socialists led by  the so-called wealth socialist party led by the Murph and company."

“And they are now concerned by what they see as elements and socialists led by the so-called wealthy socialist party led by the Murph and company…”

"Ah the Murph. M,y favourite Dr Seuss character. Oh wait, you mean Paul Murphy, the Anti-Austerity Alliance TD. Well, he does come from a wealthy background. But are you saying we shouldn't trust him ebcause he's rich? 'Cos that sounds kinda socialist. DEATH PANELS! Godammit..."

“Ah the Murph. My favourite Dr Seuss character. Oh wait, you mean Paul Murphy, the Anti-Austerity Alliance TD. Well, he does come from a wealthy background. But are you saying we shouldn’t trust him because he’s rich? ‘Cos that sounds kinda socialist. DEATH PANELS! Godammit…”

"And aided and abetted by extremists in our colleagues in Sinn Féin."

“And aided and abetted by extremists in our colleagues in Sinn Féin.”

"Political parties with their origins in violent revolutionary movements?! HOW COULD THIS COME TO PASS!? HOW, GOD?!"

“Political parties with their origins in violent revolutionary movements?! HOW COULD THIS COME TO PASS!? HOW, GOD?!”

"And the people have given us the signal that that needs to be nipped in the bud."

“And the people have given us the signal that that needs to be nipped in the bud.”

"What exactly does the people giving you a signal look like?"

“What exactly does the people giving you a signal look like?”

waterprotestDublin11Oct14b_large

No, this is really more of a gentle suggestion.

"And if we do not, we are potentially facing an ISIS situation..."

“And if we do not, we are potentially facing an ISIS situation…”

"..."

“…”

"..."

“…”

"HAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay! Okay! You got me! You put one over old Mousey. Where's the real guy?"

“HAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay! Okay! You got me! You put one over old Mousey. Where’s the real guy?”

"..."

“…”

"C'mon guys, some of us have things to do. Where's the guy I'm supposed to be debating?"

“C’mon guys, some of us have things to do. Where’s the guy I’m supposed to be debating?”

"...like in the Middle East if those people are allowed to get on with doing what they're doing..."

“…like in the Middle East if those people are allowed to get on with doing what they’re doing…”

"ARE YOU SHITTING ME THIS IS A REAL GUY?!"

“ARE YOU SHITTING ME THIS IS A REAL GUY?!”

"...God help this country, people realise that..."

“…God help this country, people realise that…”

"YES! GOD HELP THIS COUNTRY! OH MY CHRIST PEOPLE ELECTED YOU?! ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS?!"

“YES! GOD HELP THIS COUNTRY! OH MY CHRIST PEOPLE ELECTED YOU?! ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS?!”

"...so for that I think it was a great day for democracy..."

“…so for that I think it was a great day for democracy…”

"NO! NO! BACK UP! WHO DID YOU RUN AGAINST?! WHO WAS THE COMPETITION?! THE ZOMBIFIED CORPSE OF JIMMY SAVILLE AND THE EBOLA VIRUS!? I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED!"

“NO! NO! BACK UP! WHO DID YOU RUN AGAINST?! WHO WAS THE COMPETITION?! THE ZOMBIFIED CORPSE OF JIMMY SAVILLE AND THE EBOLA VIRUS!? I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED!”

"Can you please to the deputies by their proper titles?"

“Can you please refer to the deputies by their proper titles?”

"Oh yes! Priorities! I mean, the Islamic State is about to advance on Jobstown and behead every teenage mother in the district but heaven forfend proper parliamentary protocol isn't observed!"

“Oh yes! Priorities! I mean, the Islamic State is about to advance on Jobstown and behead every teenage mother in the district but heaven forfend proper parliamentary protocol isn’t observed!”

"And I really thing it was a disgrace what they were up to."

“And I really thing it was a disgrace what they were up to…”

"Who ISIS? Oh I agree, they're just awful...oh, I see you're referring to your fellow citizens."

“Who ISIS? Oh I agree, they’re just awful…oh, I see you’re referring to your fellow citizens.”

"To take one aspect of it, this has been primarily focused on water but this also has to deal with sewage system in this country. As we know there are so many treatment plants that are either not up to standard or over capacity. No investment going into them. And as a consequence of that, the enviromental damage that is being done, has been witnessed in 42 of our rivers. That's where we need the investment for, Irish Water offers that hope to us."

“To take one aspect of it, this has been primarily focused on water but this also has to deal with the sewage system in this country. As we know there are so many treatment plants that are either not up to standard or over capacity. No investment going into them. And as a consequence of that, the enviromental damage that is being done, has been witnessed in 42 of our rivers. That’s where we need the investment for, Irish Water offers that hope to us.”

"Holy shit, that actually sounded like a reasonable point. Ahem. While I do not dispute that our water and sewage infrastructure is desperately in need of investment, I and my fellow citizens simply cannot give our support to a government institution that has displayed such staggering incompetence, such glaring inefficiency, such barely concealed corruption and cronyism..."

“Holy shit, that actually sounded like a reasonable point. Ahem. While I do not dispute that our water and sewage infrastructure is desperately in need of investment, I and my fellow citizens simply cannot give our support to a government institution that has displayed such staggering incompetence, such glaring inefficiency, such barely concealed corruption and cronyism…”

"The people protesting in Dublin, they don't care about the country people."

“The people protesting in Dublin, they don’t care about the country people.”

"Hey, whoah, where did that come from, what?"

“Hey, whoah, where did that come from, what? My God. Have I been so focused on what’s going on in Dublin that I’ve lost sight of what the country people want? The real Irish people? Could it be that they love Irish Water?”

DAMMIT I'M SO CONFUSED!!!

DAMMIT I’M SO CONFUSED!!!

"Country people down throughout the years had to pay for their water."

“Country people down throughout the years had to pay for their water.”

"Um, we do that too? We call it paying taxes. You know? Like the ones that paid for your XXXL shirt. "

“Um, we do that too? We call it paying taxes. You know? Like the ones that paid for your XXXL shirt and industrial grade reinforced pants. “

"And they want to act like parasites, and live off the country people."

“And they want to act like parasites, and live off the country people.”

"... "

“… “

"Say that again."

“Say that again.”

"And they want to act like parasites..."

“And they want to act like parasites…”

"One more time..."

“One more time…”

"Parasites."

“Parasites.”

"..."

“…”

"Okay."

“Okay.”

"I am not going to waste one second longer here than it takes me to say this: I may be a mouse. But you, Noel O'Connor. TD for North Tipperary. You are vermin."

“I am not going to waste one second longer here than it takes me to say this: I may be a mouse. But you, Noel Coonan. TD for North Tipperary?”

"You are vermin."

“You are vermin.”

13 comments

  1. “YES! GOD HELP THIS COUNTRY! OH MY CHRIST PEOPLE ELECTED YOU?! ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS?!”

    Oh, Mouse. American though I am, you don’t know how much I commiserate. How very, very much. 😦

  2. Actually, can this be the new ongoing feature instead? Political satire? Pretty please?
    I was never too into Marvel anyways…

  3. This fella and that other wagon who’s name escapes me at the moment from Dublin West must believe they have their seats totally sewn up for the next general election. It seems like political suicide to me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s