If I said I was happy, I’d be lion.

“Disney?”

“Disney?”

“Um…yeah?”

“Um…yeah?”

“Are you tarnishing the legacy of one of your beloved classics again? I thought we were past this.”

“Are you tarnishing the legacy of one of your beloved classics again? I thought we were past this.”

“I’m not! I swear!”

“I’m not! I swear!”

“Then what, pray tell, is this the fuck?“

“Then what, pray tell, is this the fuck?”

THE LION GUARD - The epic storytelling of Disney's "The Lion King" continues with "The Lion Guard: Return of the Roar," a primetime television movie event starring Rob Lowe, Gabrielle Union and James Earl Jones, reprising his iconic role as Mufasa.  Premiering this November on Disney Channel, the movie follows Kion, the second-born cub of Simba and Nala, as he assumes the role of leader of the Lion Guard, a team of animals tasked with preserving the Pride Lands. "The Lion Guard" television series will premiere in early 2016 on Disney Channels and Disney Junior channels around the globe. (Disney Junior) FULI, KION, ONO , BESHTE, BUNGA

“Oh it’s an exciting new chapter in the Lion King mythos!”

“Oh it’s an exciting new chapter in the Lion King mythos!”

“You have ten seconds to explain yourself, sir.”

“You have ten seconds to explain yourself, sir.”

“Okay, see it stars Kion, Simba and Nala’s son, as he forms the Lion Guard, an elite group of animals whose sworn duty it is to protect the Pride Lands from danger.”

“Okay, see it stars Kion, Simba and Nala’s son, as he forms the Lion Guard, an elite group of animals whose sworn duty it is to protect the Pride Lands from danger.”

“Okay. That actually sounds like a pretty decent premise if handled well...”

“Okay. That actually sounds like a pretty decent premise if handled well…”

“See, Scar used to have superpowers…”

“See, Scar used to have superpowers…”

“WOW. Stop right there.”

“WOW. Ok. Stop right there. Pull this bus over…”

“See, Scar had the magical Roar of the Elders and led the Lion Guard…”

“See, Scar had the magical Roar of the Elders and led the Lion Guard…”

“Scar? “Shallow end of the gene pool” Scar?”

“Scar? “Shallow end of the gene pool” Scar?”

“And when he tried to get the Lion Guard to turn against Mufasa and they refused he used the roar to destroy them.”

“And when he tried to get the Lion Guard to turn against Mufasa and they refused he used the roar to destroy them.”

“No. No. That never happened. You lying media conglomerate.”

“No. No. That never happened. You lying media conglomerate.”

“But then because he used the roar for evil he lost it.”

“But then because he used the roar for evil he lost it.”

“So why didn’t he just use it against Mufasa in the first…no, you know what I’m not even going to engage with the idea. So tell me, does this travesty ignore Simba’s Pride or take place in the same continuity?”

“So why didn’t he just use it against Mufasa in the first…no, you know what I’m not even going to engage with the idea. So tell me, does this travesty ignore Simba’s Pride or take place in the same continuity?”

“Neither! It canonises some aspects while blatantly contradicting others!”

“Neither! It canonises some aspects while blatantly contradicting others!”

“Ah! So everybody’s angry!”

“Ah! So everybody’s angry!”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

 “WHAT ARE YOU ON?”

“WHAT ARE YOU ON?”

“Everything…everything…so much…I…I can see God…”

“Everything…everything…so much…I…I can see God…”

“Disney you’ve got to stop this. You’ve got to stop this now. You’ve got to pull every episode and pretend this never happened. When people ask, tell them it was a hoax by Dreamworks. Tell them that the perpretrators will be caught and justice will be swift.”

“Disney you’ve got to stop this. You’ve got to stop this now. You’ve got to pull every episode and pretend this never happened. When people ask, tell them it was a hoax by Dreamworks. Tell them that the perpetrators will be caught and justice will be swift.”

“But I haven’t told you the best part!”

“But I haven’t told you the best part!”

“Down we go, down and down.”

“Down we go, down and down.”

Bungaclose

"Who's the tatted up chipmunk?"

“Who’s the tatted up chipmunk?”

 

“That’s Bunga…

“That’s Bunga…

“TELL HIM I HATE HIM!”

“TELL HIM I HATE HIM!”

“You don’t even KNOW him.”

“You don’t even KNOW him.”

“Alright. Fair. Tell me about Bunga.”

“Alright. Fair. Tell me about Bunga.”

“He’s a wise-cracking honey badger who’s always charging into danger with his catch-phrase “Un-bunga-leivable!”

“He’s a wise-cracking honey badger who’s always charging into danger with his catch-phrase “Un-bunga-leiveable!”

“That’s Scrappy Doo. You re-made Scrappy Doo. As a honey badger. An animal legendarily difficult to kill. This is like crossing Ebola with the flu. Why in the name of all that is holy would you do that? What is he doing?”

“That’s Scrappy Doo. You re-made Scrappy Doo. As a honey badger. An animal legendarily difficult to kill. This is like crossing Ebola with the flu. Why in the name of all that is holy would you do that? What is he doing?”

Bunga and Cobra

“He’s beating up a cobra that was trying to eat a cute little hyrax .”

“He’s beating up a cobra that was trying to eat a cute little hyrax .”

“Why is he doing that?”

“Why is he doing that?”

“Because he defends the circle of life.”

“Because he defends the circle of life.”

“So what? Cobras don’t get to eat? The circle of life doesn’t include cobras?”

“So what? Cobras don’t get to eat? The circle of life doesn’t include cobras?”

“Of course not. They don’t deserve to live. They’re not cute and marketable.”

“Of course not. They don’t deserve to live. They’re not cute and marketable.”

"You need to kill him off! Do you hear me! You need to kill him off right now before he destroys everything The Lion King stood for."

“You need to kill him off! Do you hear me?! You need to kill him off right now before he destroys everything The Lion King stood for!”

"Give him a spinoff? Sure thing!”

“Give him a spinoff? Sure thing!”

"NOOOOOOOO!"

“NOOOOOOOO!”

"NOOOOOOOOOOO..."

It’s all a dream it’s all a dream it’s all a dream it’s all a dream…

“But…but…when we die our bodies become the grass?”

“But that goes against the whole…the thing…when we die our bodies become the grass?”

“Huh?”

“Huh?”

“Did you even see The Lion King?”

“Did you even see The Lion King?”

“Oh yeah. Love that movie! “You must feel the force flowing through you!”

“Oh yeah. Love that movie! “You must feel the force flowing through you!”

“No…that’s, that’s Star Wars.”

“No…that’s, that’s Star Wars.”

“It sure is! That’s why we got James Earl Jones back as Mufasa!”

“It sure is! That’s why we got James Earl Jones back as Mufasa!”

 “Really? Wow.”

“Really? Wow.”

“Yeah. For one episode. Then we recast him.”

“Yeah. For one episode. Then we recast him.”

“So you got possibly the most distinctive voice-actor in human history and replaced him after one episode. Isn’t that incredibly distracting?”

“So you got possibly the most distinctive voice-actor in human history and replaced him after one episode. Isn’t that incredibly distracting?”

“Is it ever!”

“Is it ever! He acts as Kion’s wise old mentor. He’s in every episode!”

"Ah. So instead of a once off and miraculous visitation, Mufasa just appears? Our hero just routinely communes with the dead?"

“Ah. So instead of a once off and miraculous visitation, Mufasa just pops in to say hi whenever? Our hero just routinely communes with the dead?”

"We're trying to get kids into the occult. That's what the voices in our heads want. Maybe then we will know peace. Maybe."

“We’re trying to get kids into the occult. That’s what the voices in our heads want. Maybe then we will know peace. Maybe.”

“This is awful. Up, down, left and right. Terrible.”

“This is awful. Up, down, left and right. Terrible.”

“Oh c’mon, the music’s great.”

“Oh c’mon, the music’s great.”

“OK. Yes. That opening theme is actually pretty kickass. But the songs are awful and Rob Lowe as Simba makes me miss Matthew Broderick. He makes. Me. MISS. MATTHEW. BRODERICK. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL?! And worst of all? The writing? It’s cliché jenga, they’re stacked one on top of the other up and up and up…”

“OK. Yes. That opening theme is actually pretty kickass. But the songs are awful and Rob Lowe as Simba makes me miss Matthew Broderick. He makes. Me. MISS. MATTHEW. BRODERICK. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL?! And worst of all? The writing. It’s cliché jenga, they’re stacked one on top of the other up and up and up…”

“Oh c’mon. What do you expect, it’s for kids.”

“Oh c’mon. What do you expect, it’s for kids.”

  “THE ORIGINAL WAS MADE FOR THE EXACT SAME AGE BRACKET AND IT WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST ARTISTIC ACHIEVEMENTS IN WESTERN ANIMATION. ”

“THE ORIGINAL WAS MADE FOR THE EXACT SAME AGE BRACKET AND IT WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST ARTISTIC ACHIEVEMENTS IN WESTERN ANIMATION. ”

“GO HOME DISNEY. GO HOME. SOBER UP. AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.”

“GO HOME DISNEY. GO HOME. SOBER UP. AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.”

Un-bunga-fuckin'-leiveable.

                                                                                   Un-bunga-fuckin’-leiveable.

53 comments

  1. This… doesn’t even look like it was made by the same people. The designs are all odd and exaggerated. The writing is laughably simplistic. The voice acting is strangely stilted. It’s like someone put their crappy fanfiction on screen. (Also – honey badgers aren’t rodents! Wherefore the buck teeth? The original animators went to Africa to study the animals in their story – you people couldn’t even bring Wikipedia or YouTube up for a second?)

    Unfortunately, ‘The Lion Chambermaid’ probably won’t get off the ground either…

    EXT. PRIDELANDS. DAY.

    NALA: I’m sorry, Chizara. We’re going to have to let you go.
    CHIZARA: But… but Your Majesty… what did I do?
    NALA: You’ve been nothing but faithful. But it turns out that since we don’t wear clothes… we don’t really need a chambermaid.
    (thoughtful pause)
    CHIZARA: What are clothes, Your Majesty?

  2. I had wondered where Nyarlahotep had wandered off to…so he’s working for Disney now, huh? Considering how this is trying to destroy my sanity, it seems like his/her/its work.

    I guess the surprising bit is how this doesn’t surprise me. Maybe Disney is positioning itself to return to Baiha?

    1. Timpon and Pumba was at least somewhat funny and didn’t even try to fit into the continuity. It even made fun of Disney and the Lion King. Timon and Pumba is simply awesome.

  3. Well…Now I feel sorry for asking about this show in an earlier comment. I’ve already heard the stories about how awful this was, so I’ll just say I’m glad I haven’t even seen this show. You know it’s a sad day when, in this era of animation, My Little Pony has more intelligent writing and compelling characters than something associated with The freaking Lion King. (Speaking as a brony, of course.)

  4. Hopefully you haven’t seen the 7D.
    (And what I mean by that I have the feeling that if you did would absolutely tear into it and I enjoy the show please don’t kill me.)

  5. The “it’s a toddler’s show” is a bad argument. It is wrong to show children such stultifying and mindnumbingly dumb material in the first place.

    1. Sesame Street wouldn’t be the long-lasting, well-respected American institution that it is if it took the easy way out.

  6. This reminds me of that one cartoon adaptation of Watership Down. I never saw it, but I have been told that the finale features Woundwort being defeated by a magic tornado that the heroes managed to summon. Or something along those lines.

  7. I wasn’t even going to watch this shit. Thank you for reviewing it, I wouldn’t have known how un-bunga-fuckin’-lievably stupid they made this crap. Anyways, I really don’t care about it (maybe I just don’t want to care about it), The Lion King is my absolute favourite and I can re-watch it at any time and pretend that it is the only movie in the Universe. 😀 I would prefer re-runs of the Timon And Pumbaa show, I mean, that was a great show, I loved it, my parents loved it, why can’t we have that show instead of this new shit? Anyways, hilarious as always, Mouse. 😉

  8. Wait . . . this is a thing? An honest-to-Cthulhu THING?! Call me in denial but the whole time I was just really, really, REALLY trying to convince myself this was all a hoax you had concocted. An early April Fool’s entry, if you will.

    . . . I feel something in my soul has been broke and now, bleeding, dies.

  9. This is the perfect reaction to this show. I can’t even call it a wasted opportunity. NOTHING about this idea works. (sighs) Over ten years since Eisner was given the boot, but his influence lives on. I need a freaking drink.

  10. I was actually thinking this was a hilarious parody made by the unshaved mouse to point out the pathetic line of tv series, straight to video sequels, spin offs and what have you that the evil Disney cooperation churn out after every successful movie they make. Then I read the comments.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHH.

    HOW ON EARTH CAN THIS EXIST?

    1. Nah, not all are bad. The Aladdin and Buzz Lightyear series were actually pretty decent. In the case of Aladdin, even the sequels are kind of okay and are the best straight-to-video sequels from Disney’s lineup even if that’s not saying much.

  11. Just looking at the designs of the characters, it doesn’t work. Half of them look like they came from the original movie, and the other half look like they came from Wild Kratts or some other cheap flash show.

  12. My sister watched it because she spends a lot of time some days watching whatever my nephew is watching, and she said it’s pretty bad. I only caught a bit of it, but I have to say I’m whelmed.

  13. Most of this speaks for itself. But do you know what I think the worst thing is?

    I’m not sure how many of you have seen Confused Matthew’s seething hatred-packed review for The Lion King, but one of the many things he had against this movie was that Mufasa took so long to tell Simba he was the real king. I saw this as being an unfair critique, as I’d always seen it that Mufasa only spoke to Simba when he did after he died because he needed Rafiki to channel him, as Rafiki was with Simba during that scene. This show’s having him talk to Kion with no trouble invalidates my defence. So these writers retroactively vindicated an argument against the original movie with this material.

    *sigh* This is why I usually choose to draw the line at considering TV series canon. Excepting perhaps the Lilo and Stitch one and about the first season or so of the first Winnie the Pooh series (I’d say it kind of jumped the shark around the time Stan and Heff got in the picture).

    1. I actually found Confused Matthew’s review interesting. He brings up a lot of points, though I don’t agree with a few of them. He just made it a bit too personal. So it’s an unpleasant rant, but not without substance.

      Confused Matthew did not take issue with when or how Mufasa’s spirit popped up (probably Rafiki did channel him. And as this is the first time Rafiki and adult Silva meet, it couldn’t have happened before) but what Mufasa said when he finally met Simba. And I agree with what Confused Matthew brought up here.
      a) he could have told scar killed him.
      b) remember who you are makes little sense as we only have reference of Simba as a young cub.

      That said, this t.v. show is horse manure.

      1. It’s interesting in a sense that it feels he didn’t really put much thought into the review or even really payed attention to the film considering half of the video is just him ranting about how horrible and unlikeable Simba is and he doesn’t really back up his claims very well other than he probably doesn’t care much for child characters especially rebellious ones in a coming of age story.

        He makes a few good points but I don’t think it’s really enough to state that the Lion King is some wretched piece of cinema at least in my opinion.

        Granted he’s matured now but I don’t think he has even bothered to go back and do a re-review of the film at least not that I know of.

  14. Hey, wait a minute. If the Lion Guard protects “the circle of life” (ie protects cute, fuzzy animals from getting eaten) then do they ever address what Kion and that leopard member eat? I mean, surviving on bugs while in exile was one thing but they’re on the grasslands now and oh my god why why am I even wasting brain cells thinking about this.

  15. Eh, as funny as this post is, and as bad as The Lion Guard looks. It’s not going to harm or tarnish the reputation of the Original.

    Aladdin and the Little Mermaid both had their spin off series and you know what people remember about them? That they existed. Hell, most people don’t even remember that.

    Besides, the Lion King itself has had two crappy movie spin offs and no one really remembers them.

    At most this series will be a temporary blip in pop culture rather than anything that will even dent the Original

    1. At least the Aladdin series was actually pretty decent, with some legit villains and storylines. The only thing the Lion Guard has going for it is that it’s animation doesn’t suck.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s