The Unshaved Mouse’s Presidential Endorsement: Apocalypse 2016 Edition!

The last time I gave a Presidential endorsement was October 2012, less than a month before election day. This year, with so much at stake, I feel it important to make my feelings known sooner rather than later. I am fully aware of the awesome responsibility that comes with this task. The quadrennial Unshaved Mouse presidential endorsement can and has swayed the course of the election before now,  even if the rank ingrate currently inhabiting the White House didn’t even deem it necessary to make a damn phonecall thanking me for pulling his nuts out of the fire.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BARRY.

YOU’RE WELCOME, BARRY.

It is for this reason that I have previously waited until the very end of the election season, carefully weighing the pros and cons before finally bestowing my imprimatur. This year, however, is different. Let’s not kid ourselves. The fate of the Western world is literally resting on this election. Which is why, after hours of prayerful contemplation, I have decided to make my endorsement for the Presidency of the United States a full ten months before polling day. The candidate I am about to endorse is, I believe, the only rational choice, a candidate with impeccable credentials and a history of public service literally unmatched by any of the alternatives. A face people know, a name people trust. And that candidate is:

NOT TRUMP.
The absence of Donald Trump has the makings of one of the all time great presidents. Look at what has been done by people who are Not Trump. Who was it who freed the slaves? Not Trump. Who dragged the United States out of the Great Depression and safeguarded democracy in Europe? Not Trump. Was it Trump who put a man on the moon? No, it was Not. Is there any candidate who is Not Not Trump who can boast such a staggering list of accomplishments? No.
I realise that Not Trump is Not Perfect. In fact, many terrible things have been done by people who were Not Trump. But, and we must be clear on this, they did those terrible things without the desiccated remains of a chinchilla forlornly clinging to their leathery orange scalp.
Some will say that I am too quickly dismissing other excellent candidates, such as Not Ted Cruz. Not Ted Cruz has many fine qualities but I believe that there is no need for Not Cruz to run, as a Ted Cruz presidency is an impossibility. Ted Cruz is not an American citizen and is therefore ineligible for the White House, as he is a member of a race of subterranean mole people paving the way for an invasion by his kind.
As you can see, his eyes have not yet adjusted to the light of our surface world.

As you can see, his eyes have not yet adjusted to the light of our surface world.

It is true that Not Trump is less a human being in the conventional sense, and more a concept that can take any number of forms. Not Trump is too unpredictable, you might say. Sure, we know what Not Trump is not, but what is Not Trump? To which I reply; it doesn’t matter. Because whatever Not Trump ends up being, by definition, it will not be Trump. See? It’s foolproof. For example, Not Trump might be Hilary Clinton. Some baggage certainly, and a rather frosty and impersonal relationship with the truth. But also (are you following me here?) Not Trump.
Not Trump.

Not Trump.

Bernie Sanders is Not Trump. He would be the oldest president in history? He has economic ideas perfectly suited to small Scandinavian nations but utterly untested on a federal union of the size and complexity of the United States. Sure. But Not Trump, is he?
Also Not Trump.

Also Not Trump.

Or how about…uh…Kasich? He’s never killed anybody that we know about and is apparently still running. Also? Not Trump.
Token effort at bipartisanship.

Token effort at bipartisanship.

None of the above Not Trumps doing it for you? You’re not thinking big enough! Not Trump can be literally anything that’s not a puffy-eyed  Mexican buttplug model! Look at this cat.
Cute cat, right? Brain the size of a chimp’s knuckle. Not Trump, though. I think Kitty’s ready for Mount Rushmore.
Not even slightly Trump.

Not even slightly Trump.

Look at this lamp!
Lamp
President Lamp will be a tasteful and classy addition to the White House whose very presence will increase the visibility of the inner workings of the Oval Office. Will President Lamp leave you in the dark? Never! That’s not what it’s about. A Lamp presidency will be a shining beacon in these dark times. Vote Lamp!
Supporters of Mr Trump will say that I am being over hasty and that I am dismissing the historic progress that would be made with a Trump presidency. And it’s true, with his carnival barker affect and legendarily small hands, Mr Trump would make history as America’s first carnie president. But let’s tell it like it is here, folks. America cannot have a carnie president because carnies are notoriously criminals, thieves and liars. And some, I assume, are good people. Not to mention, there is the issue of Mr Trump’s penis size. It doesn’t take Freud to realise that you shouldn’t give nuclear missiles to a man who has something to prove downstairs.
Although in his defence, with hands that small it must feel YUGE.

Although in his defence, with hands that small it must feel YUGE.

Also. You know. Actual fascist.
God bless you all, and God bless the United States of America.
Mouse.

54 comments

  1. There’s been quite a bunch of stuff written about how theoretically, the GOP establishment can still “steal” the nomination from Trump even if he gets 1000+ delegates on his side, but that’s not really the issue, is it? The fact he’s even come this far is a sign there’s something Deeply Deeply Wrong (TM) with our current system.

      1. My mom prefers Trump to Cruz. She says at the very least Not Not Trump is non-establishment. I don’t think I agree with her, but honestly I think Trump should get the nomination just so the dissidents on the Republican side go to the Democratic nom (feel the Bern!). But maybe I’m too hopeful.

  2. On behalf of my country, let me be the first to apologize for how well Not Not Trump has been doing in the polls. It’s an embarrassment, but I’m quite certain that the American people will do the right thing and elect Not Trump by a landslide.

    On an unrelated note, how’s the weather and immigration policy in Ireland?

  3. That reminds me of the time when the Germans decided to elect not Hitler…and then got promptly screwed over by the guy they did elect instead, who proceeded to not govern Germany, dissolved the parliament and paved Hitler the way to power….

    Let’s hope that whoever Not-Trump will be, will be aware against what the US population voted and stand against it.

      1. The real irony, I believe, is how little it seems to matter to those of us who actually have a say. Sure, there’s an attitude difference between the two parties – but on a day-to-day basis, does it really matter which side isn’t getting anything accomplished because of the other side?

      2. Mouse, that is true to an extent, but Congress controls a great deal of important functions, like funding. And I’m sure your aware of the truism “You pay for what you get”? Any action the president takes will be heavily criticized. ANY action.

  4. Just to show how bad things are in America. Twenty years ago Kasich would have been on the right end of the Republican party. Seriously, the guys moderate cred is that he believes in evolution and global warming.

  5. Trump is a potato butthole with lips. He’s a week-old rotting jack-o-lantern given sentience and a dead squirrel grafted over his stem.

    Anyway, have you seen Zootopia yet Mouse? I’d love to hear your thoughts. 😊

      1. It IS!!! IMHO Disney hasn’t made a film this topical and relevant to today’s immediate social issues since the World War II propaganda shorts.

    1. Without spoiling anything, let’s just say that Zootopia continues the Redemption Era’s policy of being “better” than what came before, i.e. more progressive, inclusive, self-aware, and mature.

      I think you’ll like it.

  6. America. Don’t be dim bulbs. Show us that you’re enlightened, brilliant and switched on, and vote for President Lamp.

    And if you can’t do that, then move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and ever twirling, twirling, twirling towards Not Trump.

      1. There are a lot of shady characters in politics, but Lamp knows watt’s up. Don’t take your vote lightly. Choose a brighter future.

  7. It may be 8 months before the actual election but today was voting in the primaries in my state. (Yes, I voted. No, it was not for Not Not Trump.)

  8. The federal judges have made it official that Cruz is eligible to be president. Sure he was born in Canada, but his mom was an American citizen and that leads to him counting as a naturalized citizen. It will be interesting when a mole man is in charge. Thy have been discriminated against for too long.
    By the way thank you for not endorsing Rubio. I have never seen someone receive so many endorsements and yet win so little.

      1. Before he even announced his candidacy he was my prediction to win it all. Many magazines and columnists did call him “The Savior of the Republican Party.” 4 years ago many said he would join at the last second and win the nomination.

  9. Subterranean mole people, why you…

    I’ll have you know I don’t take lightly to insults on my nation of dwelling. Of all the nerve. Subterranean. If you want me, I’ll be returning through the burrow of a furry animal to my homeland to do some much-needed brooding!

      1. Just know that, in all seriousness, Trump is an idiot who could potentially get America into war if he said the wrong thing.

  10. I do have to raise an objection to “fascist”, but that’s because I aspire for precision for political terminology (or, yes, fine, pedant). I mean, he ticks the boxes for authoritarian, majoritarian, ethnic-nationalist, and disdain for institutions and rationalism, but he doesn’t (yet) have an organized grassroots paramilitary movement to bank on, which has been a vital distinction. Lots of disorganized violence in his rallies, yes, but there’s still a difference between that and the SA.

    Besides. I underrate the threat of such a movement forming solely because they’d have to be the Goldshirts (like the blackshirts or brownshirts, only classier. The classiest, in fact.) and that just conjures up images of balding white guys in TOS-era Klingon costumes.

  11. Kasich’s actually incredibly qualified, and has simply been ignored for not falling on either spectrum of the extremes flying around. He actually has credentials balancing both the federal budget AND Ohio’s state budget (both of which were done almost twenty years apart from each other). I guess people find that boring, and are quick to say stuff like “RINO” or “establishment” as though actual accomplishment as an executive makes you a sell-out. I’ve backed him since July, and actually believe he can prevail should it come down to a contested convention.

    None of this will matter, though, come July. The credibility of the Republicans have been tarnished. Not-not-Trump wins whether he secures the nomination or not, as his goal has been achieved. His supporters will bail on Mole-Man, Robo-Flop or the Gov’nah should any of them upset.

    I see the GOP going the way of the Whigs and the Know-Nothings into the annals of history.

      1. I’m less frightened of that possibility than the prospect of what new party will arise to take its place. The donor class will find a new place to hedge their funds against the Democrats, but on what platform? Examining the past of year of Ol’ Donnie “Little-Fingers”, there is a market for speaking ethnically-intolerant, substantially deficient statements sprinkled with old-school nationalism to stir the people up. Villains as chief power-brokers used to have class, dammit! Just look at Charles Haughey. /sarcasm

      2. THIS. This is the problem. The demons Trump’s unleashed will be haunting the US long after he’s just a table quiz answer for the question “Who suffered the biggest loss in a US Presidential election?” You think Trump’s bad, just wait until you see who’s running in 2020. Things are about to get scary(ier).

      3. Well, in 2020, they say Kanye West will be running, and if that’s the case, please reserve me a spot in Ireland!

  12. And Rubio left…

    Holy fuck this election is a disaster. What a train wreck. America is going through its rebellious phase…

  13. This whole thing is a freaking disaster. Just…can’t even. Another apology to the world for what is going on over here.

    And on that note, mouse…have you seen the news in Variety that Disney is planning to re-visit the Chronicles of Prydain? No word yet on whether your next taste of Gurgi is going to be animated or full Serkis-voiced reality.

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