The last time I gave a Presidential endorsement was October 2012, less than a month before election day. This year, with so much at stake, I feel it important to make my feelings known sooner rather than later. I am fully aware of the awesome responsibility that comes with this task. The quadrennial Unshaved Mouse presidential endorsement can and has swayed the course of the election before now, even if the rank ingrate currently inhabiting the White House didn’t even deem it necessary to make a damn phonecall thanking me for pulling his nuts out of the fire.
It is for this reason that I have previously waited until the very end of the election season, carefully weighing the pros and cons before finally bestowing my imprimatur. This year, however, is different. Let’s not kid ourselves. The fate of the Western world is literally resting on this election. Which is why, after hours of prayerful contemplation, I have decided to make my endorsement for the Presidency of the United States a full ten months before polling day. The candidate I am about to endorse is, I believe, the only rational choice, a candidate with impeccable credentials and a history of public service literally unmatched by any of the alternatives. A face people know, a name people trust. And that candidate is:
The absence of Donald Trump has the makings of one of the all time great presidents. Look at what has been done by people who are Not Trump. Who was it who freed the slaves? Not Trump. Who dragged the United States out of the Great Depression and safeguarded democracy in Europe? Not Trump. Was it Trump who put a man on the moon? No, it was Not. Is there any candidate who is Not Not Trump who can boast such a staggering list of accomplishments? No.
I realise that Not Trump is Not Perfect. In fact, many terrible things have been done by people who were Not Trump. But, and we must be clear on this, they did those terrible things without the desiccated remains of a chinchilla forlornly clinging to their leathery orange scalp.
Some will say that I am too quickly dismissing other excellent candidates, such as Not Ted Cruz. Not Ted Cruz has many fine qualities but I believe that there is no need for Not Cruz to run, as a Ted Cruz presidency is an impossibility. Ted Cruz is not an American citizen and is therefore ineligible for the White House, as he is a member of a race of subterranean mole people paving the way for an invasion by his kind.
It is true that Not Trump is less a human being in the conventional sense, and more a concept that can take any number of forms. Not Trump is too unpredictable, you might say. Sure, we know what Not Trump is not, but what is Not Trump? To which I reply; it doesn’t matter. Because whatever Not Trump ends up being, by definition, it will not be Trump. See? It’s foolproof. For example, Not Trump might be Hilary Clinton. Some baggage certainly, and a rather frosty and impersonal relationship with the truth. But also (are you following me here?) Not Trump.
Bernie Sanders is Not Trump. He would be the oldest president in history? He has economic ideas perfectly suited to small Scandinavian nations but utterly untested on a federal union of the size and complexity of the United States. Sure. But Not Trump, is he?
Or how about…uh…Kasich? He’s never killed anybody that we know about and is apparently still running. Also? Not Trump.
None of the above Not Trumps doing it for you? You’re not thinking big enough! Not Trump can be literally anything that’s not a puffy-eyed Mexican buttplug model! Look at this cat.
Cute cat, right? Brain the size of a chimp’s knuckle. Not Trump, though. I think Kitty’s ready for Mount Rushmore.
Look at this lamp!
President Lamp will be a tasteful and classy addition to the White House whose very presence will increase the visibility of the inner workings of the Oval Office. Will President Lamp leave you in the dark? Never! That’s not what it’s about. A Lamp presidency will be a shining beacon in these dark times. Vote Lamp!
Supporters of Mr Trump will say that I am being over hasty and that I am dismissing the historic progress that would be made with a Trump presidency. And it’s true, with his carnival barker affect and legendarily small hands, Mr Trump would make history as America’s first carnie president. But let’s tell it like it is here, folks. America cannot have a carnie president because carnies are notoriously criminals, thieves and liars. And some, I assume, are good people. Not to mention, there is the issue of Mr Trump’s penis size. It doesn’t take Freud to realise that you shouldn’t give nuclear missiles to a man who has something to prove downstairs.
Also. You know. Actual fascist.
God bless you all, and God bless the United States of America.