Sorry, I was going to do a proper, well-reasoned, nuanced reaction to the Brexit vote with references to the increasing alienation of the British working class in an age of globalisation and blah blah blah yadda yadda.
FUCK THAT. I have been drinking, my country’s economy has just been thrown into very real jeopardy and you Little England cunts have now threatened my daughter’s future. No no. You’re getting the lash. (This, by the way, is not directed at the forty odd per cent of Britons who voted to Remain. You get a big hug, I am so, so, sorry).
Apparently the number 2 google search in Britain right now is “What is the EU?”
So let me explain. The EU was an utterly unique political union of 28 sovereign nations working together to promote free trade, democracy and human rights on the European continent that spent most of its fifty year history kissing your goddamn arse. You didn’t want to be part of Schengen? You didn’t have to be part of Schengen. Didn’t want to adopt the Charter of Fundamental Rights? No problem, rude of us to even ask. You thought a single currency was a stupid idea? Well, you were right about that one in hindsight but the rest of us didn’t force you.
You had it all, you dumb fucks. You had the best possible deal. Now if Greece says they want out? That’s understandable. But you guys? What exactly about the absurdly preferential treatment you got was not to your liking? Were the handjobs not suitably vigorous, WHAT?!
LET ME LICK YOUR FUCKING TEARS. OH! OH! THEY TASTE SO GOOD!
I’m calling it now. The UK does not live to see 2026. Scotland is finally going to realise its too good for you and always has been. And Jesus Christ we may actually have to take Northern Ireland in like an abused child and won’t THAT be fun?
This is your future, England, a despised, lonely old man that dies alone after driving away all his friends and family.
Who’s cheering this result? Putin. Trump. Iran. ISIS. And of course they’re cheering. It’s always easier when your enemies do you the courtesy of destroying themselves.
There is not going to be another referendum. There will be no do-overs. The rest of Europe is not going to let you back in ten, twenty years down the line. How do you think that’s going to go?
“So, do we let that guy back in the house who almost burned the whole place down?”
“Well, the answer’s in the question, non?”
Do you even see what’s happening in the world? These are scary, scary times and to put it bluntly the rest of us have bigger things to worry about than a clapped out former empire unable to get over the fact that one time it managed to grab a shit ton of real estate through the cunning method of only picking fights with people armed with sharp sticks and stern glares. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THE WEST NEEDS RIGHT NOW. DID YOU THINK THIS WAS WHAT WE NEEDED RIGHT NOW? YOU WERE INCORRECT.
Ignorant. Stupid. Selfish. Racist. Reckless. Motherfuckers.
Your grandparents saved Europe. You may have doomed us all.