What’s up Mouse?
I’ve been a US political junkie since the early Bush years and, as a junkie, this election has proven to be my Requiem for a Dream. The thing I’m addicted to is making me ill and may quite possibly be killing me and I am just about ready for this rampaging shit-beast of an election to finally drag its filthy carcass over the finish line. But, with a mere five more days until November 8th, I feel it’s my duty to try and convince as many of my American readers as possible to…
I know. I know. I know. You’re sick of this. You’re sick of the constant reminders that “this election is different”. But here’s the thing. This election is different. Radically different. Why? Because this election can get you laid.
Picture the scene. A few years from now you’re in a bar in Paris, or Rio, or Dublin, or anywhere else where legendarily beautiful people are known to congregate. You get talking to a particularly gorgeous member of your preferred gender and the conversation goes like these:
BEAUTIFUL FOREIGN HUMAN: So tell me about yourself Meester/Mademoiselle American, so that I may decide eef you are worthy of my beautiful time.
YOU: Aw shucks pardner, I’m just a simple American who likes apple pie and baseball and workin’ down on the ol’ farm.
BEAUTIFUL FOREIGN HUMAN: (silently deciding not to have sex with you) I see.
YOU: Oh yeah, and one time in 2016 I helped prevent a fascist takeover of my country.
BEAUTIFUL FOREIGN HUMAN: Zut alors! We must make love immediately!
YOU: Okay. My place or yours?
BEAUTIFUL FOREIGN HUMAN: No time!
BAR PATRONS: Ooh la la!
Guys, I don’t think you understand the gift that’s been handed to you. You get to stop Trump. You get to stop an actual fascist. This opportunity will not come again in your lifetime (dear Christ I hope it doesn’t). There is nothing sexier than defeating fascism. Look at the Greatest Generation, do you have any idea how much action those guys got when they got home?
Come on Mouse, don’t exaggerate. Trump may be bad, but he’s not a fascist dictator.
Well no shit, he hasn’t gotten into power yet. And Hitler didn’t say HALF the crazy shit Trump has before he got the big chair. And if he had, I sincerely doubt he would have become Chancellor.
And here’s the beauty part! You don’t even have to shoot anyone! All you need to do is vote and you will be beating them off with a stick for the rest of your life.
Mouse, this is juvenile even for you. How dare you reduce this election to meaningless sex?
Oh, I’m sorry, am I denigrating the dignity of an election where one candidate is a sex offender who bragged about the size of his penis on national television and was brought down by a guy named Bush and where the first female president was almost undone by a guy called “Weiner”? Wake up people. This is not an election. This is the low budget porno parody of an election.
I hate Trump but I want to support a third party candidate
TO DO WHAT?!
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I understand. I get it. I do. I have written about how America needs a viable third, fourth and fifth party before but this is absolutely the wrong way to go about it. Getting a president elected is the culmination of a party’s transition to major party status, not the end. If by some fluke or act of God or random craziness (y’know, the kind of thing that’s been happening roughly every week since mid 2015) Jill Stein or Gary Johnson got elected President they would be a general without an army. They have no senators, no congresspeople. Nothing. They would be able to get virtually nothing done of lasting consequence. You want viable third parties you need to start supporting them at the local and state level. Or, better yet, find and support candidates and initiatives for reforming the actual process of voting in American elections to allow STV or another, more representative, form of voting to allow third parties to have a fighting chance.
But what about the emails…
Unless the emails reveal that Hillary Clinton is ACTUALLY SATAN IN DRAG there is literally nothing in them that could disqualify her for the presidency more than Donald Trump has already disqualified himself.
Go out there. Vote on November 8th. And in a few decades tell your smart mouth grandkids about the time you saved their country.
God bless you all, and God bless the United States of America.