Huge thanks to all of you new patrons who’ve decided to entrust me with your hard earned cash. I promise that the money will go to a worthy cause and certainly not towards building a mind-control ray that will make all human beings docile and amenable to being ridden around by rodents as our personal very tall horses.
But who are these patrons, you ask? Well, I’ve listed them below with an interesting fact about each one. If you would like to get your own interesting fact and support the blog, you know what to do.
A. Vartianen is a trickster God in Polynesian mythology.
Alex Hu discovered Wales.
Allison can’t fly, but can glide from roof to roof.
Amelia Mellor is the only person to ever win seven Nobel prizes for literature in the same year.
Anna Bale invented the hammock. Also, she’s my darling mother.
Aonghus Collins knows the difference between “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” and jam.
Ben Harding walked five hundred miles, and said “Sod it. No one’s door is worth this.”
Charlotte Hassel has a cameo in every Marvel movie, plus Spawn (she was Spawn).
Christian Kavanagh has blood that can bring Tribbles back to life.
Donnacha Mallen sailed the seven seas, but has never sailed their own heart.
Who knows what secrets lurk in the hearts of men? ED knows.
Eli Berg-Maas has never lost a game of Cards Against Humanity, because they keep the “David Bowie flying in on a tiger made of lightning” card up their sleeve.
Erin Barber shot the sheriff. Also shot the deputy.
Fabrisse ter Brugghe obeyed their duty to her heart, and plunged China into war.
Ian Rowe has his own brand of wine. It’s excellent, and is deservedly building a following.
J* smells like a cool autumn day.
Lupin the 8th? Oh fuck yeah.
Katherine Stokke was deemed “Too hot” for “hot or not” and was banned for life.
Mathom has worked as a body double for every US president for the last thirty years.
Michael Petrocelli likes his women like he likes his South American democracies; strong, independent and fully paid up members of the Free Trade Area of the Americas.
PurrElise floats like a butterfly, stings like a letter from your ex that makes you realise that it’s finally over.
Thanks again guys
I plunged us into war with Canada. 😉
*tribbles AND guys named Chris. Just Chris, none of the variants.
Hmmm … got the hat, LOVE the cloak (capes, cloaks, mantles), lack the nose but am FULLY committed to picking up The Laugh, now all I need to do is luck into the company of a blonde psychic lady who is far too good for me and start shooting the breeze with ruthless Warlords, criminals & megalomaniacs (Also I have a Theme now – themes are Cool, especially when they’re composed by Mister JERRY GOLDSMITH!).
By the way Mouse, EXCELLENT attempt to divert me from my original “Draft Pick” for the very first review I shall request of you, but THE SHADOW will just have to settle for being my pick for SECOND request (which seems oddly appropriate).
Don’t worry Mouse, you’ll find out which movie was #1 with a bullet … on September 1st, mostly so you can soothe any trauma with filthy, filthy lucre (but partly because I need the proper inspiration for practicing my WICKED Laugh).
THERE we go!
Now, now, Mouse no need for such formality “Sir” will do quite nicely. (-;
Yeah you know it. Don’t get on my bad side or you’ll fold like a house of cards. Checkmate. *Winks with both eyes*
An actually serious question: how do you plan on fitting all these reviews in? Will one review a month be a reader request, and another whatever the theme is?
I’ll try to prioritise Patron reviews but there will be a queue.
Thank you sir, I now know what my headstone must read.
It’s all in the texture, y’see.
And I do not accept your thanks, because this is me thanking you for a lot of laughs over the years.
So thanks again!
Mouse, September the First has arrived and the time has come to reveal my first Request – as one would expect of a follower who has expressed Delusions of Humour and shared the conviction that this Blog needs a better class of criminality, my first instinct was mischievous (THE CAT RETURNS briefly crossed my mind as a fittingly inappropriate subject for a Mouse, as did PUSS IN BOOTS), but Then … cunning overcame my whimsy.
My dear Mouse, you currently endure a whole month dedicated to the dross of Disney – and since you’ve already survived a very bad case of sequelitis it seems unlikely the affliction will carry you off this time, much as you might wish the pain to end – and I have just learned that when Disney Sequels Month has stopped rumbling over your tastebuds like a red-hot steamroller, the Emerald Isle has a State Visit from “President Lex” to look forward to (for which you have my condolences).
With all that in mind and going by your past record heaping further cinematic miseries upon you can only result in an Unshaved Mouse so thoroughly bunkered down as to be unreachable by mischief, wicked humour and practical jokes – therefore I have conceived my CUNNING PLAN!
Mouse, for the foreseeable future I shall only request that you review GOOD movies … well, either Good Movies or Movies so Bad that they’re thoroughly entertaining; I shall do my best to build you up, to restore your faith in cinema and bring you out of your Deep, Snug, Hidey-Hole and back into the light of day for reasons that are almost ENTIRELY free from ulterior motives.
THEREFORE – the first review I shall request of you is MOUSEHUNT (a movie which one suspects could only be more thoroughly tailored for our favourite Mus musculus if it were actually animated … or came with free cheese).
Oh you utter cad.
… ha, ah, ah, oh my that was Good Practice! (At this rate I should be terrifying my neighbours into submission and passing rowdies into flight within the year – whatever may be left of it!).
ED correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re a $1 patron, correct?
By the way, this could have gone much worse for you Mouse – until this very morning my first choice was JUDGE DREDD (the one where Sylvester Stallone very nearly joined the Fashion Police courtesy of Gianni Versace), which remains on my shortlist for Next Month’s request despite my inclination to ask for THE SHADOW (October), THE PHANTOM (November) and THE ROCKETEER (December) in succession as an unofficial “Pulp the Nineties” sequence (although please be assured that I hold these plans to be entirely contingent on your willingness and availability – I may have Cunning Plans, but one certainly embraces Good Manners!).
Keep Well Mouse and do remember – assassination will only make Trump a martyr to his lacks AND put a Competent Reactionary Republican in office.
Ahem “lackeys” should be read in place of the “lacks” posted above.
I second the votes for both The Shadow and The Rocketeer. Seriously, you can make those my first two picks, although I don’t think I’m allowed to put in requests for awhile.
Remind me next month.
Mouse, you once mentioned that DRACULA would be the near-perfect basis for a Disney Renaissance musical and I’ll go you one better – MUPPET DRACULA.
(With Kermit the Frog as Jonathan Harker, Miss Piggy as Mina, Christoph Waltz as Van Helsing AND Jeremy Irons as the voice of Count Dracula … why yes, The Count WOULD be played by a puppet in this adaption and that muppet would be a Moustache Dracula).
Not the Count?
But Count Von Count is a clean-cut GENTLEMAN and Dracula is a moustachioed BOUNDER – how could one possibly confuse the one with the other! (On a more serious note, Count Von Count doesn’t really resemble the literary Dracula who … well he’s DEAD WHITE, has a monobrow, a hairdo that sounds suspiciously like a Dark Ages mullet, hair on the palm of his hands and a truly outstanding Moustache – to hide the fangs and possibly terrorise his wolves into submission if the mind control fails – although the nose and ears are right).
Also I want to see Hairy Muppet Dracula (probably with Orlok-style fangs to help set him further apart from Count von Count), so there’s that.
More to the point Count Von Count has been entertaining children for a long, long while – which makes it much, much harder to sell him as a terrifying villain and to my mind what kept DRACULA DEAD AND LOVING IT from being as effective as it could be (though Heaven knows I’m fond of it anyway) was the fact it’s makers made the cardinal error of showing The Count as just another joke – I’ve seen it written somewhere that the key to making a successful Horror Comedy is to play the Horror DEADLY Straight and I wholeheartedly agree with that (for the record Leslie Nielsen COULD play Horror deadly straight and nasty with it – just watch his performance in CREEPSHOW if you don’t believe me).
So basically the ideal for a Horror-Comedy based on DRACULA (even one starring Muppets) is one where The Count is a genuinely nasty, rather scary villain who spends a majority of the film running rings around Our Heroes, manipulating things to his own advantage and smugly contemplating what a gang of prats have DARED pit themselves against THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS … right up until his own ego lands him on the wrong end of a Stake, because Our Heroes have been getting their act together and they’re Comic, not Stupid.
I may have put a little too much thought into this.