The Lord of the Rings really shouldn’t work, should it?

Nine hours of wandering around in a made up fantasy world with tons of different factions, fake languages, dozens upon dozens of characters and a story drawing on thousands of years of fictional history, it should be a series that only the most hardcore nerds would have any interest in. So why is it so popular?

I think it comes down to two things:

1. Complexity resting on simplicity.
2. The Ring is not just a Ring.

The story of Lord of the Rings is fiendishly complicated but it all relies on one very small thing.

Frodo must destroy the One Ring. That’s the key to understanding everything that happens in the movie. Every other character’s story and motivations somehow branch off from that one central spine: Frodo must destroy the One Ring, everyone else is either trying to help him or stop him. Huge complexity resting on something very simple.

So what’s all this got to do with The Dark Crystal?

The Dark Crystal is Jim Henson’s dark fantasy film from the eighties which (get this), failed at the box office and was critically mauled for being too dark for kids but now has a devoted cult following. You know. Because that’s the story of EVERY EIGHTIES DARK FANTASY MOVIE. ALL OF THEM.

Anyway, this movie was Jim Henson’s passion project, his attempt to show that he could tackle darker themes and that muppets weren’t just for kids.

Henson’s passion for the movie absolutely shines through in every scene of this, aided by some of the most impressive puppets and animatronics ever committed to film, based on the designs of celebrated fantasy artist Brian Froud, who would later collaborate with Henson on Labyrinth.

Make no mistake, this movie look fantastic. Henson wanted to imagine an entire alien world from the ground up and he succeeded in style. Everything living thing you see in this film was designed and crafted. There are no real animals. And these are such good puppets.

The problem is, Henson makes the same mistake that every novice fantasy writer or game DM makes; prioritising lore over story. If Lord of the Rings is Complexity resting on Simplicity, Dark Crystal is Simplicity resting on Complexity. The main story is as simple as Frodo Must Destroy The One Ring; Jen Must Heal the Crystal. Jen’s quest (and Jen himself for that matter) seems to be the element of the movie that Henson is least interested in, instead drowning us in Podlings and Skeksis and uRu and Gelflings and Conjunctions and more and more lore.

It’s like a play where you’re supposed to be paying attention to the backdrops and not the actors. And sure, those are some gorgeous backdrops.

But it’s probably not a very good play.

Yeah, sorry. Spoilers. I don’t think this is a good movie. There is so much I love about it. The designs, the puppeteering and even some of the lore but I can’t remember being left so cold by such a beautiful film since Fantasia. (You know what, don’t click that link. That was only my third review and I’m pretty sure it’s aged like milk).

The movie begins, as eighties dark fantasy law demands, with portentous narration:

“Another world, another time, in the age of wonder. A thousand years ago, this land was green and good – until the Crystal cracked. For a single piece was lost; a shard of the Crystal. Then strife began, and two new races appeared: the cruel Skeksis, the gentle Mystics. Here in the castle of the Crystal, the Skeksis took control. Now the Skeksis gather in the sacred chamber, where the Crystal hangs above a shaft of air and fire. The Skeksis with their hard and twisted bodies, their harsh and twisted wills. For a thousand years they have ruled, yet now there are only ten. A dying race, ruled by a dying emperor, imprisoned within themselves in a dying land. Today, once more, they gather at the Crystal as the first sun climbs to its peak. For this is the way of the Skeksis. As they ravaged the land, so too they learned to draw new life from the sun. Today, once more, they will replenish themselves, cheat death again, through the power of their source, their treasure, their fate – the Dark Crystal.”

Eh, it’s no “The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.”

On the other hand, it’s about a million times better than Wizards.

So here’s the skidoo. Jen is a Gelfling, who are basically hobbits with dog faces. Jen believes he’s the last of the Gelflings after the Skeksis slaughtered his entire village. Since then, he’s been raised by UrSu, the leader of the Mystics. UrSu is dying, and he gives Jen a quest; recover a shard of the Dark Crystal from the witch Aughra and then heal the crystal before the three suns are in conjunction or else the Skeksis will rule the world forever. So this brings me to my second big problem with The Dark Crystal; the Ring is just a Ring.

What I mean is, you could argue that Jen’s quest and Frodo’s are very similar; defeat the bag guy by bringing a thing to a place and doing a thing. Frodo must destroy the One Ring. Jen must heal the Dark Crystal. What’s the diff?

I’ll tell you the diff, I’ll tell you the diff right now!

Why do we care whether Frodo destroys the One Ring? Because the Ring is not just a Ring. It’s…well, that’s up to you. It’s sin. Or the atom bomb. Or addiction. Or the corrupting influence of power itself. Of course, we all know Tolkien’s famous quote on allegory.

But the fact that it works so well as allegory is why the story resonates with so many people.

By contrast, Jen is trying to heal the Dark Crystal because a thousand years ago it broke which caused a race of beings known as the urSkeks to split into two seperate races, the Skeksis and the uRu (also known as the Mystics) and by healing the crystal he’ll reunite them and restore harmony to the land of Thra.

There’s not really any thematic richness there. There’s no allegory. It’s just generic fantasy bullshit.

Another big problem is that, while the movie boasts some absolutely top-tier creature designs, the very best of those designs are either villains or supporting characters. And the weakest are the heroes.

In contrast to the absolute home runs of the Skeksis and uRu puppets, the Gelfings are honestly a little bland and slightly Uncanny Valleyish.

And you definitely get the feeling that the creators had their favourites. Some of the best scenes in this movie ones like the Skeksis having a banquet or sitting around waiting for their Emperor to die where the puppeteers can really revel in just how awful these things are. And those scenes are great! But they’re also largely peripheral to the plot, which is probably why this movie is such a goddamned slog.

Okay, so the master of the uRu and the Skeksis Emperor both die at the exact same time. The Mystics send Jen on his quest to find a witch named Aughra who will give him the crystal shard he needs to do the do. Meanwhile, the Skeksis turn on each other in a vicious power struggle that ends with skekUng the General becoming the new emperor and skekSil the Chamberlain being stripped of his garments and sent into exile.

The Skeksis get a vision of Jen and freak the fuck out and summon the Garthim to find the halfling, I mean gelfling. The Garthim are nightmarish beetle-like creatures that make the Nazgul look positively cute.

They’re probably my single favourite piece of puppeteering in the whole movie. The way the legs scuttle is downright traumatising.

Jen finds Aughra, a three-eyed witch with only two eyes who gives him three crystal shards and tells him that one of them is the missing piece of the Dark Crystal. Instead of doing the obvious and just taking all three he plays his pipe which causes the right shard to glow. At that very moment, the Garthim attack and Jen has to flee, leaving Aughra behind as her lair is set on fire. Which is good, because I can’t fucking stand Aughra.

She’s voiced by Billie Whitelaw (again!) who’s doing this really harsh shouty performance that’s actively unpleasant.

Anyway, the Garthim were followed by skekSil, who sees Jen and follows discretely behind.

Jen meets Kira, another Gelfling who was raised by the Podlings, another race who are like the Gelflings but less gelfy and more podlike.

They’re attacked by the Garthim but are saved at the last moment by skekSil. They find a lost Gelfling city and skekSil explains that there’s a prophecy that a Gelfling with repair the crystal and that this was the reason why the skekSis genocided the Gelflings (as if they needed a reason).

skekSil tries to lure the Gelflings back to the castle, telling them that the Skeksis only killed the Gelflings out of fear but that they can bring peace between the two races. But Kira convinces Jen to refuse because the Skeksis are evil, can only ever be evil and the only solution is unending war. Which is a hell of a message.

Jen and Kira flee from skekSil and try to break into the Skeksis’ castle themselves which goes about as well as you’d expect. They’re captured by skekSil who, by this point, has dropped any pretence of being a nice rotting vulture monster and who hands them over to the other Skeksis who are getting ready for the conjunction of the three suns which they think will give them eternal life.

The Gelflings escape, Kira heroically sacrifices herself to allow Jen to heal the crystal and the uRu and the Skeksis are fused into a single race of beings called the urSkeks, which sounds like a line of roller blades from the late nineties.

The urSkeks thank Jen for restoring them and graciously unfridge Kira for being such a pal. And the movie ends with the circle of life restored or whatever and before we have to consider the deeply uncomfortable question as to whether Jen and Kira should…y’know…

Tough decisions to be made all round.

***

I’m struggling to remember the last movie I saw with so many great and terrible elements existing side by side. Such amazing visuals, such mediocre writing. Not a great movie. More like a fantastic artbook brought to life.

NEXT UPDATE: 05 October 2023

NEXT TIME: Spooky season is upon us! And what better way to celebrate than with a review of *desperately searches backlog for anything vaguely horror themed* ah, that’ll do…