In 1984, two broke young illustrators named Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird were trying to break into comics. Eastman randomly doodled a turtle in ninja attire and the pair decided that it was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, essentially a madlib of everything that was popular in comics at the time (except for turtles).

They then wrote a silly little issue parodying Frank Miller’s Daredevil run and that, of course, was that.

This one weird joke concept riffing on an incredibly specific moment in comic book history in a black and white indie vanished without a trace, the very definition of a flash in the pan.

Wait, no. *checks notes*

It went on to conquer the goddamn world. To this day, TMNT is quite possibly the most lucrative Western comic book property not published by either DC or Marvel. Third most successful toyline of all time. Seven TV series, seven films, multiple videogames, hundreds and hundreds of comic issues and a metric shit-ton of merch. Which, on the one hand, is crazy.

How did a concept so ridiculous, and so seemingly instantly dated become one of the most successful and enduring pop culture phenomena of the past half century? Well, success has many fathers. Firstly, I think the franchise’s longevity was sealed with this:

A theme tune that catchy only comes around once in a blue moon. Play it over NINE SEASONS and it’s practically brainwashing.

Then there’s the fact that TMNT relies on a template that has proven to be amazingly durable over the last 180 years.

The Musketeer Archetypes are like the Four Chords of character writing. They’re bloody everywhere, but they’re there for a reason. They work, dammit. And these character traits (Leads, Does Machines, Cool but Rude, Party Dude) hold true across virtually all interpretations of the characters which gives continuity across the franchise. But, and this is crucial, with that stability and continuity there also comes incredible plasticity. The Turtles fandom is fantastically diverse in terms of its age range and that’s because TMNT can be this:

Or it can be THIS:

Once you get past the initially (very, very, very) silly premise, the Brothers Turtle can grow with their audience. There’s stuff for kids and there’s also stuff for adults. So, class, where have we heard that before? A character that has a rock solid core that’s also surprisingly adaptable and can tell stories for any and all ages?

So before we go any further, I owe you all an apology. I know I said I’d be reviewing Turtles Forever but you need to know three things:

1. My DVD of Turtles Forever didn’t arrive in time (that’ll teach me to support physical media).
2. There’s a Turtles movie with Batman in it, how am I NOT going to review that?
3. It is SHOCKINGLY good.

The movie opens with Barbara Gordon visiting a laboratory to study a newly developed power generator for a research assignment. Suddenly the lights go out and the lab is attacked by mysterious ninjas.

So the first thing that jumped out at me about this movie is how fantastic it is at revealing character through movement and physicality. Take this scene. Barbara is introduced to us as a perfectly normal seeming, nerdy college student. Suddenly, she senses something wrong and her entire body language changes and she saves one of the scientists by blocking some thrown ninja stars in mid-air.

It’s all done wordlessly, but you see Barbara Gordon transforming into Batgirl before your eyes. And this holds through the entire movie. This film has genuinely some of the best animated hand to hand fight scenes I have ever seen. The bodies feel weighty and real, the action is thrilling (and often shockingly violent but never in a gross or gratuitous way), it is mightily impressive stuff.

The ninjas attack under cover of smoke and in the haze Barbara thinks she sees four reptilian figures, but the whole assault is so quick she doesn’t have time to realise that one group of ninjas is fighting the other.

Later, she makes her report to Batman who declares that one mutant reptile freak in Gotham is plenty. Bruce goes back to the Batcave to research while Alfred brings him some coffee in the most trollish way possible.

Bruce discovers that high-tech labs all over Gotham are being robbed of advanced tech and deduces that Wayne Industries is next on the hit list. Meanwhile, the turtles have also realised the same thing and on top of that the Penguin has also decided to rob Wayne Industries and sell the tech to whoever this new player in town is.

While the turtles battle Penguin’s hoods on the rooftops, the Foot Clan break in to Wayne Industries only to discover that it’s abandoned and they’ve walked right into Batman’s trap. Okay, so a little explanation on the Foot. If you only saw the eighties cartoon you might remember them as Krang’s robot henchmen but in the comics they’re a ninja clan and a parody of Frank Miller’s The Hand (remember, this whole thing started as a piss-take of Daredevil.)

Batman battles the foot, with the law of Ninjitsu Conservation in full effect. He tries to shake down one of the ninjas for information only for said ninja to get a throwing star straight through the head from a mysterious figure watching from the shadows.

And I kinda don’t want to admit that this battle between Batman and frickin’ Shredder of all people may be my favourite fight in any Bat film but…this thing kinda has me over a barrel.

This is a straight to video movie where Batman teams up with some talking cartoon reptiles. Who told these guys they could cook this hard? What happened here and can we make it happen all the time?!

The fight takes a huge toll on both men and Shredder actually wins but is too drained to finish Batman off so he simply warns him to stay out of his way and vanishes.

Outside, the turtles let Penguin escape and realise that they’ve lost their best chance of stopping Shredder. Michelangelo, who adores Gotham and its themed villains, gargoyles and seemingly pointless zeppelins, stumbles across the Batmobile and instantly falls into the kind of love of which medieval poets used to sing.

Batman arrives, in no mood for ninja bullshit, and Raphael decides to attack first and ask questions later. No, you know what, that’s just rude. And I will not give him a break.

We get another fight scene, this one much more comedic but still kickass. The turtles quickly realise they’re outmatched and am-scray, leaving a puzzled Batman holding one of Raphael’s sais. Oh, he won’t like that.

Meanwhile, Shredder returns to his base and meets his new partner in crime: Ra’s Al Ghul. The Foot and the League of Assasins are allying. Shredder wants the secret of immortality from the Lazarus pits, and Ra’s wants mutagen to turn all of Gotham into muscular wolf mutants.

Meanwhile, Donatello researches Batman and is able to actually pinpoint the Batcave’s location, which the turtles reach by swimming through the sewers in a shot that is just casually gorgeous.

After a brief tussle with Robin, the turtles come face to face with Batman and Batgirl and the two sides finally realise that they’re all white hats and decide to work together.

But Ra’s and Shredder have also realised that team work makes the dream work and decide to distract Batman by invading Arkham and striking a deal with the Joker, who gets a deliciously unsettling reveal.

In order to distract Batman while he acquires the final pieces of tech to spray all of Gotham in mutagen, Shredder doses the entire rogue’s gallery and leaves Joker to run the asylum, now transformed into a massive cobra.

Back in the Batcave, the turtles and the Bat family get some really nice scenes together. Michelangelo gets to bounce of Alfred, Raphael and Robin brood, Batgirl and Donatello create an anti-mutagen and Leonardo and Batman spar. Suddenly, the bat signal activates and the gang meet Commissioner Gordon who tells them that Arkham has been taken over.

We now get a sequence where the turtles and the bat-family make their way through the asylum, battling mutated bat-freaks until coming face to face with Joker and Harley Quinn. Batman is overpowered and Joker injects him with a mixture of ooze and Joker venom which turns Batman into a Man Bat.

The turtles, Batgirl and Robin manage to de-mutate Batman and they take out the rest of the rogues. Back at the Batcave, they realise that the attack on Arkham was just a distraction as Shredder and Ra’s now have all the parts they need to build a machine that will mutate all of Gotham. The gang deduce that the bad guys are at Ace Chemicals but Batman angrily tells the turtles that they’re benched.

This scene, honestly, is the only real gripe I have with the film. Batman calls the turtles reckless and impulsive and says that it’s their fault Joker was able to get close to him to mutate him. Which, frankly, is bananas. There’s maybe one moment where the turtles act recklessly (trying to rescue hostages that turn out to be decoys) but it was a perfectly forgivable mistake and, more to the point, had nothing to do with Batman getting Manbatmanbatted. It reeks of forced conflict and also makes Batman look really petty and seem like he’s trying to shift blame away from himself. Damian speaks up on the turtles behalf and Batman decides that the turtles are good, actually. Waste of a scene. Moving on.

So the alliance of bats and turtles launches a full scale assaalt on Ace Chemicals battling the Foot, the League of Assassins and battling scores of animal mutants including one very large-assed T-Rex.

The villains launch the drone to douse Gotham in mutagen and Donatello and Michelangelo climb aboard to stop it. Meanwhile, Leonardo battles Ra’s Al Ghul while Batman and Shredder settle their grudge.

Leonardo is almost defeated by by Ra’s, who mocks him for his inexperience, saying:

“Foolish child. I’m hundreds of years old and have trained with the greatest teachers in history. How could you possibly…”

Only for Leonardo to knee him in the balls and reply:

“Oh, yeah? Well, I’m 16, and I learned this from a rat.”

And proceeds to kick his ass.

Batman defeats Shredder with an assist from Raphael and Mikey and Donny send the drone crashing into the factory. Shredder gets knocked into a vat of chemicals (oh yeah, he’s definitely dead) and the good guys flee the exploding factory, taking time to rescue the unconscious mooks in the process.

The day won, they return to the Batcave to say their goodbyes, and Batman treats his new allies to a pizza party.

***

I am flabbergasted by how good this thing is. It’s definitely my favourite piece of Turtles media (not that I’ve seen a huge amount). And it’s pretty darn high in the ranking for Batman media too. Kudos all round.

The Dark Knight Detective

First of all, the highest of praise that I can bestow on Troy Baker’s Batman voice: I thought he was Kevin Conroy. Points in this Batman’s favour; great voice, brilliant thinker and an absolute beast of a hand to hand fighter. Batman should always be this damned cool. I don’t even mind the blue costume, and I’m normally firmly Team Black. One criticism, this Batman has a touch of the “paranoid asshole” characterisation that was so prevalent in the early 2000s but it’s not a deal-breaker.

The Boy Wonder

Not Dick Grayson or Jason Todd, this movie’s Robin is actually Damian Wayne, Batman’s biological son and grandson of Ra’s Al Ghul. Always a somewhat divisive character I like him when he’s written well and for the most part, he is here. Less of a brat, more of a strait-laced little fusspot. Gets some nice moments with Raphael.

The Dominoed Daredoll

Hurray! The first movie I’ve reviewed where Barbara Gordon appears and she doesn’t get done dirty! Batgirl is only a minor character in this and yet this is a miles better portrayal than Batman and Robin or, (shudder) The Killing Joke. Like just about every character in this she gets funny moments and badass moments. She even gets a sort of flirtation with Donatello and it…kinda works? Oh, and the part where she punches the Joker’s teeth out, takes a selfie with him and says “Smile”? Oh that felt good.

His Faithful Manservant

All these tough ex-military working class Alfreds are all very well, but my heart will always belong to posh sassy Alfred and this is a great one. Pairing Alfred with Michelangelo is an inspired choice and I love Mikey gifting Alfred his skateboard at the end.

The Comish

Gordon is only featured in one scene, but it’s a good one. He explains the plot to Bat-family and the Turtles, turns around to find them all gone and then gets a heart attack because Mikey is still there because the others all left him behind. Gordon promises himself that he’ll retire to somewhere where the turtles don’t talk and the clowns are funny. We wish him well.

The Clown Prince of Crime

Fun fact, with this movie Troy Baker became the first actor to play both Batman AND the Joker. And, just as his Batman is hewing very close to Kevin Conroy, he apes the best and makes his Joker an ersatz Mark Hamill. It’s fine. But I don’t really like the Joker design. He has these massive bags under his eyes that make him look like he’s got a two month old baby.

Snake Joker on the other hand…?

“Come on Puddin! Don’t you wanna rev up your Harley?”

I really feel like the creators just looked at Batman: The Animated Series and said “Let’s do that”. They were, of course, correct. This is pure, batshit, Mistah Jay lovin’ Joisey Harley Quinn. Oh, and she gets turned into a hyena. God, the fan-art must stretch beyond the horizon.

That pompous, waddling maestro of fowl play, master of a million criminal umbrellas!

To quote Michelangelo: “I think I love this little guy!”. No, seriously, this may be one of my favourite Penguins of all time. Cunning. Devious. Dangerous. Funny. Able to go toe to toe with Leonardo armed with a frickin’ sword umbrella. And smart enough to know when he’s outmatched. After meeting him Michelangelo becomes a huge fan of Gotham and you totally buy it. This guy kinda rules!

Trouble between the dynamic duo! Is SHE the cause?

I didn’t expect the biggest laugh out loud moment of this movie to be a gag involving Poison Ivy. She’s normally never the butt of the joke so when she’s mutated into a giant Venus flytrap…and can’t reach the turtles because she’s now rooted to the ground and they can just walk around her it hits like a freight train.

A cunning mind had devised a fantastic method to utilise cold for crime

Mr Freeze turns into a giant polar bear armed with a freeze gun. This is why comics are awesome.

Instead, I will simply BREAK YOU!

Bane gets turned into a giant jaguar. This is why comics etc etc.

“Perhaps, Detective, it is time that you and I finally settled this!”

I realise there will never be a Ra’s who will match up to David Warner. Cas Anvar is not terrible, but his vocal performance lacks the majesty and menace demanded of the Demon’s Head. Fortunately, the animators are here to pick up the slack. Ra’s has never looked this dangerous in combat in live action or animation and his dual against Leonardo is a highpoint.

Fear Incarnate, Fear Walking the streets of Gotham…

Uh…Scarecrow’s here. He gets turned into a crow. That’s about it.

Meet the most bizarre criminal of all time, a twentieth century Jekyll-Hyde!

Two-Face gets turned into a two headed cat. Why a cat? Because they’re SIAMESE cats? Get it? I love this film.

Batman NEVER kills, except: 

It is strongly implied that Man-Bat-Batman killed Bear Mr Freeze.

Where does he get those wonderful toys?: 

Batman is able to equip the abandoned Wayne Industries building with holographic staff just to lure the Foot into his trap.

It’s the car, right? Chicks dig the car:

This Batmobile is armed more for a small land war than policing a city, armed with machine guns, missile launchers and a flare gun. Also, the sight of this riding into battle beside the Turtle Van made my inner eight year old jump on the sofa.

Animation: 15/20

Deceptively simple, but when the fight scenes kick in? Hoo boy.

Leads: 16/20

A really great depiction of the Turtles and their brotherly dynamic.

Villain: 15/20

Forget the 1987 version voiced by Uncle Phil. This Shredder is bloody terrifying.

Supporting Characters: 16/20

A really great ensemble. All the supporting characters get moments to shine. Oh, and I didn’t get to mention him earlier but Baxter Stockman is in this and he’s voiced like Jeff Goldblum. Because he’s a fly. I love this movie so goddamned much.

Music: 13/20

Kevin Riepl’s score is a decent, workmanlike channeling of both franchise’s vibe.

The Stinger

After a montage of classic comic book covers (of both TMNT and Batman) reimagined to include elements from both franchises we cut to the smouldering ruins of Ace Chemicals. A bleached hand emerges from the wreckage and we see:

And the audience went…

A simultaneous reference to Jack Nicholson’s Joker AND the 1991 masterpiece Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze? Who told these guys they could cook this hard?!

FINAL SCORE: 75%

NEXT UPDATE: 23 January 2025

NEXT TIME: Hey, did you know I now have a podcast talking about millennial nostalgia bait? What synergy!

Lalalala…