After a string of godawful mediocrities and outright turds the likes of which the canon hadn’t seen since the earliest years of the millennium, the opportunity was ripe for Disney to start filling the executive-grade wicker basket with heads and put some people in charge with fresh ideas and real talent.
But noooooooooooo.
Disney pulled the old “take the first three episodes of a scrapped TV show, wash it off and serve it up as a new movie” trick they used to pull in the direct-to-video sequel era and what did you do? Did you laugh? Did you scorn such obvious desperate chicanery? Did you hell!
ONE BILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE. FOR THIS.
We could have had another Renaissance with a bit of luck. Instead, I’m going to be reviewing Frozen 13 when I’m in my nineties. Because obviously the reason Strange World, Raya and Wish flopped was not that they were poop on a bun, it’s because they were original ideas (kinda). I mean, it’s hard to make the argument that quality was the issue when all it took them to make a billion dollars was to put the number “2” after the title of one of their most popular films.
The future is bleak, and I’m not just saying that because the proliferation of AI slop online means that every time I search for images to use I run the risk of seeing something that will make me want to put my head in a mouse-trap.
Okay, okay. Let me dial back the vitriol a little.
Is it the worst Disney canon movie?
No.
Are there elements of it at least that I like?
Yes, actually.
Is it kind of impressive that they were able to wrangle three episodes of a TV show into something that looks like a conventional movie structure if you squint in a few short months with panicked execs screaming in their ears like wounded buffalo?
Yeah, honestly.
Does that change the fact that its success is nonetheless a portent of doom worthy of wailing and gnashing of teeth?
No. But there it is.
Anyway, remember the end of Moana where Moana was leading a massive flotilla of her people to discover new islands after centuries of isolation because of Te Ka’s curse?
Well forget all about it. Never happened. Or if it did, they reached those islands and decided to head straight back.
Or maybe everyone except Moana was eaten by ravenous dodos. Anyway, the voyage failed. It achieved nothing.
All of the islanders are back on Motonui and Moana is now exploring other islands with Pua and Hei Hei. Pua, you may remember, is Moana’s pet pig, who was cut from her voyage in the first movie because the creators decided he added nothing. They were correct, and we were all wrong to doubt them.
He’s just THERE.
So I do have to give credit where credit is due. If I hadn’t known that this animation was originally intended for a TV show I would not have been able to guess. It’s not quite as good as Moana but definitely of a canon-worthy standard. Mostly. It’s a little inconsistent. Lighting and water effects are fantastic, human skin sometimes looks a little plasticky, hair is a mixed bag. But overall, yeah. Movie looks really good. If looks were everything, this film would be doing just fine. On an abandoned island Moana finds an old clay pot depicting human figures and excitedly takes it back home to Motonui. We meet some returning characters like Moana’s parents, and some new characters; grumpy old farmer Kele, storyteller and Maui fanficcer (yes, the movie actually calls his work “fanfic”) Moni and Bronze Age quirky STEM girl Loto. Of these three Kele is by far my favourite, simply because in a franchise so youth-obsessed as the modern Disney canon, having an old grumpy character feels like a welcome call-back to Disney’s earlier years and also because I just vibe with this guy.
We also meet Moana’s new little sister Simea who I do not care for at all.
Simea exists in what I have just right now decided to call the “Uncutie Valley”, something so obviously and deliberately designed to be cute that your brain rebels. Sorry Disney, you overplayed your hand. Maybe it was the buck teeth. Maybe it was the eyes or the precocious manner but I just find this character insufferable. Bah, and also humbug. Simea sucks.
Meanwhile the action shifts to Maui, played by Dwayne Johnson, presumably inbetween shoots for the live action Moana and pre-production for Moana 3, because we’re all trapped in this crazy Moanaverse together and there’s no escape. Maui visits a strange shadowy realm where he is taunted by a mysterious figure made of bats and quickly defeated.
Back on Motonui, Chief Tui announces that Moana has been granted the title of “Tautai” or wayfinder. At the ceremony, Moana’s ancestor Tautai Vasa appears to her in a vision.
Vasa tells her that she must reconnect the people of the ocean by finding Motofetu which was sunk by the god Nalo which separated all the tribes whoah whoah whoah whoah.
Back the fuck up. The tribes were already separated by a god. Remember? This bitch?
And sure, Vasa gives this a cursory acknowledgement by saying “restoring the heart of Ta Fiti was just the beginning” but do you mean to tell me that two separate gods put two separate curses separating the peoples of the ocean? One curse could be considered misfortune. Two smacks of carelessness. And oh my God, Motofetu was “connecting” the tribes? How? How?!
IT’S A FUCKING ISLAND. NOT BEING CONNECTED TO THINGS IS ITS PRINCIPAL CHARACTERISTIC.
You might say it was a necessary waypoint but come on, these are Polynesians!
And it’s so frustrating! The end of Moana had plenty of places to go. Maybe the defeat of Te Ka could have left a power vacuum to be filled by an even worse threat that could menace the new explorers. But instead we’re basically given a complete reset. All the people are on one island, Moana has to go on a quest to defeat a god and open up the ocean. Again. Maybe this time the bugger will stay open, who can say? Oh, by the way, when was Nalo sinking Motofetu supposed to have happened? It has to have been after the flashback we saw in Moana during “We Know the Way” because Vasa was alive then and we know he drowned trying to reach Motofetu. But if Nalo separated the people before Maui stole the heart of Ta Feti, how did anyone even know he’d done that if they were already seperated by Nalo?
Shoddy world-building, I call it.
Anyway, a comet appears in the sky and, like any good video game protagonist, Moana gathers her party and follows the waypoint marker. Seriously, Moana 2 is the second Disney canon movie after Raya that feels like it has a plot better suited to a video game and, not to sound like a grumpy old man but maybe the scripts for these things would be better if Disney hired writers who watched movies or maybe, I dunno, had read a book at some point.* She convinces Kele, Moni and Loto to go with her along with Hei Hei, Pau and of course Ocean. So, add “character bloat” to the list of similarities with Raya.
Oh, but there is something that Moana 2 has that Raya doesn’t! Songs!
Alright, fair’s fair. Last time this category was less “rock bottom” than “down in the kingdom of the molemen” so let’s be clear: yes, the songs in Moana 2 are better than the ones in Wish. Unfortunately, they are less memorable. This is the Thanks I Get is a lyrical catastrophe but I can at least hum the tune. All of the songs in Moana 2, with the very, very, very slight exception of Get Lost washed over me without leaving so much as a note in my memory. But, they’re not unpleasant. So, yeah, trending positive at least?
Our heroes embark on their journey, following the comet until it explodes in the sky and they cross paths with the Kakamora.
The little guy up there, by the way, is Kotu, who is my favourite character in the whole film. He’s the Prince of the Kakamora and is an absolutely adorable little badass. You almost forget he’s a little coconut person because he is so freaking cool. I love him. Anyway the Kakamora are trying to get through a massive clam because they’re trying to get home and it’s in their way.
It’s in their way.
In the ocean.
When their raft gets caught in the clam’s wake, Moana grabs a rope trailing from the Kakamora ship and uses it to pick up speed, with Loto exclaiming “she’s using centrifigul force to increase our velocity!”
The Kakamora use poisoned darts to incapacitate the crew but when they realise that Moana is trying to reach Motofetu they decide to help her because they were also separated when Nalo sank it. So, for those keeping track at home, they were one of the things Te Ka was using to separate the humans, while Nalo had already separated them.
Because OBVIOUSLY there is no other way past this obstacle, Moana agrees to help the little coconuts, who reverse the effects of their paralysing darts by having a giant slug slither over Moana and her crew, covering their half-naked bodies with green translucent slime.
Kotu joins the crew, and now I’m invested.
They sail into the clam and incapacitate it with the Kakamora’s neurotoxin and the raft gets swallowed and ends up in a strange spirit realm which just so happens to be where Maui is being held prisoner.
The gang are split up and Moana finds herself face to face with Matangi, Nalo’s enforcer.
And, I’m not gonna lie, guys, my interest was piqued.
Cool design, cool concept (Polynesian vampire god, that’s fucking nifty), great voice performance, introduced with the best song in the whole movie. Within ten seconds of her showing up I was thinking “holy shit, we might actually get a great Disney villain for the first time in twelve years“.
And then! Matangi unveils her devious plan!
Giving Moana some very useful advice and setting her, Maui and her crew free so they can continue on their mission to thwart Nalo. Which she does at heroic risk to her own life.
Excuse me, what?
You know, Disney have queer-baited plenty of times before but I think this is the first time I’ve ever been villain-baited. No wonder the villain community was outraged by this movie and released a statement beginning “FOOLS! WE SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!”
Ah well, all will be forgiven as long as Nalo is actually an interesting villain and not just a Marvel style light in the sky.
Okay, let’s wrap this up. Moana realises that Nalo’s curse will be broken if a human being manages to touch Motofetu. She dives into the ocean and is struck by Nalo’s lightning just as she manages to touch the island. She’s killed but Maui is able to summon Vasa’s Spirit and those of all Moana’s ancestor’s and they restore her to life. And the movie ends with with the people of the ocean free to explore again. Again.
***
Kind of impressive given the constraints it was made under. Visually very nice. Musically unobjectionable.
Harbinger of the fucking apocalypse (yes, I know I’ve been saying that a lot, it’s a big apocalypse).
Animation: 17/20
Not at the level of its predecessor, still probably the peak of the CGI canon era animation-wise, but not too shabby at all given its origin.
Leads: 14/20
Ho boy. Okay, Chloe Auliʻi Cravalho is still excellent in the role but the character has no real arc. Also, the character is now feels so 21st century American in her mannerisms and dialogue that it really detracts from the film’s sense of place.
Villain: 00/20
If you don’t show up to the exam, you don’t get the points. Fair?
Supporting Characters: 09/20
Too damn many, but there are some here that I really do like.
Music: 09/20
The songs are boring and utterly unmemorable, but after Wish that’s kind of a relief in and of itself. It’s the Biden administration of soundtracks.
The Stinger (wait what?)
In his secret lair Nalo (oh! thanks for deigning to show up!) threatens Matangi for her part in his defeat and they are interrupted by Tamatoa who thinks that his being here has something to do with Spider-Man and that they should team up.
And the audience went
Are the actual fucking villains going to be post-credits DLC now?
Hey, what’s Nalo doing?
Great. Twenty films of THAT to look forward to, can’t wait.
FINAL SCORE: 49%
NEXT UPDATE: 08 May 2025
NEXT TIME: Hey, it’s the live action Peter Pan that everyone forgot about that came out before the live action Peter Pan that everyone forgot about but after the live action Peter Pan that everyone forgot about.
unshavedmouse 
I’m really glad someone else had the idea that Epic should be animated in the hunchback style. Heck, if they just reuse the pre-recorded audio while making no changes, they would only have to worry about visuals and save a lot of money.
Or Prince of Egypt. God I miss that era.
SAME. Seriously, who do I have to threaten Little John-style to make that happen?
oh wait if you’re doing Peter Pan now you need to do 2003s version AND Peter Pan Goes Wrong (on YouTube). Both are absolutely fantastic for wildly different reasons.
Also this film sucked. Glad I waited for it to go on Disney+.
Way back when he reviewed the Disney Peter Pan film he praised the 2003 version heavily, especially Jason Isaacs. Unless his mind has changed in those 13ish years he loves it.
It hasn’t and I do.
Oh God, you have to watch PAN? I haven’t seen it since that harrowing trip to the cinema ten years ago and I knew we were in for a turkey once that Irish nun caricature showed up. It doesn’t quite make my top five worst movies ever made – The Last Airbender, Suicide Squad (2016), Cats, Black Christmas (2019) and Maleficent (total nerd rage) – but my God it’s close
Great review as always. Ngl I was counting the days aha
Oh crap, that bad huh?
Wow, Mouse…
Since I haven’t seen “Moana 2” yet, I really can’t say anything about it now.
However, “Raya” and “Strange World” and “Wish” were all good movies.
So were “Ralph Breaks The Internet” and “Frozen 2” despite that you panned them.
Thus I don’t believe that this movie is bad either…
What I must like though is that Moana’s people returned to their island.
Because that ending when they all left in the first movie never felt right to me…
Och hur många av filmerna ovan har du sett?
Add by that I mean have you seen any of the films you mentioned above?
Uh yes, all of them except for “Moana 2”.
So, are you telling me that nobody is allowed to think that they’re good?
you defended Wish last year and trashed Princess Monoke despite admitting not having seeing either of them. You can forgive me for thinking that pattern might continue.
And of course you are allowed to like what you like but so does Unshaved Mouse and every one else. It feels like you passesing off your opinions as objective fact, that you’r right and UM is wrong. You could at least explain why you like these films.
Also random question but do you speak Swedish?
This movie was just kind of okay for me. The only part that stuck out for me was when Maui gave a speech to Moana about how she shouldn’t give up and junk. That at least builds on their friendship. But sadly, the rest of the movie is just kinda there.
I also thought it was hilarious that there’s actually going to be a Moanaverse now. Hilarious as in “oh God why”. And they didn’t even actually show the villain of this movie until the post credit scene, for some reason.
Also, a billion dollars, you say? Too bad The Wild Robot didn’t make a billion dollars. That movie is amazing. Like, so amazing that it may have actually overtaken The Prince of Egypt as my favorite Dreamworks movie.
I’m pretty sure “FOOLS! WE SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!” is just part of the Villain Union’s letterhead and appears on all their correspondence.
I loved Moana but just haven’t found the energy to watch this yet. If they’d just kept it a show I’d be like “Oh, it’s halfway decent? Cool, I’ll check it out”, but as a movie knowing it’s a disappointing sequel to a masterpiece is just draining for my motivation.
So this movie is all about finding a MacGuffin in order to reconnect all the people of the islands which is what they were presumably going to do at the end of the last move? Nice job, you rendered that ending pointless.
Actually, there’s a way this could work. You know who has a ton of different stories from all over the native people of the Pacific? From the Maori of New Zealand to the various tribes of Hawaii?
His name is Maui and wouldn’t you know it? He was in the first film so you don’t have to make a new character!
Seriously, have it established that the efforts of Motonui haven’t worked out, maybe there’s a language barrier between the different people or they can’t work through the different customs so they have to seek out the one person who’s met and has known all of them. But he’s currently stuck in some clambake and it’s going to take Moana and her superteam to rescue him. And then you can complicate things by revealing that Matangi has been masquerading as part of Moana’s crew and trying to throw them off because her master Nalo wants that. Maybe reveal that once humans were stuck on their islands because of Ta Fiti he took on the role of lord of the seas and isn’t intent on giving that back to some humans and the demigod that’s chummy with them.
Is it a good story premise? Maybe, I don’t know. But it feels bad that it feels more thought out than whatever this frankensteinian mess is. Disney can do better, they have done better. So why this need to go with the laziest creative choices around?
In all fairness, it hardly seems uncharacteristic for the Kakamora people to take one look at the local answer to the Clashing Rocks, growl “We go through!” and then treat failure by the first half dozen ships or so as a challenge, not a powerful incentive to sail around it.
When you are a conveniently bite-sized people you can either walk softly or act big (and I think we can guess which option the Kakamora people went with).
I’ve never seen Pan, but I read the screenplay online and what I mostly remember was what a transparent rip-off of Han Solo the Capt. Hook character was. He’s a cynical, sarcastic mercenary who starts out helping the good guys for selfish purposes but ends up being a hero. He has a brotherly relationship with the hero whom he calls “Kid” and a romantic relationship with the female lead whom he calls “Princess.” He parts ways the main characters before the climax but then comes back to help them. The script even describes him as having “the swagger-not to mention the rugged good looks-of Han Solo.”
I believe that was an earlier draft of the script though. I’d be interested in hearing if he still came across that way in the final version.
My fanficcer brain is just itching to try to make this movie better.
How about this? Start by introducing Nalo at the beginning of the movie, showing how he can punish the ocean for helping Moana and Maui restore the Heart of Te Fiti. Being the storm god, Nalo has at least partial control of the ocean. Nalo wanted the tribes to stay separated for Reasons That Will Remain A Mystery For Now (and totally not because I haven’t thought of the reasons yet.) This opening would throw in a flashback to the storm and lightening strike in the first movie right before the ocean washed Moana and her boat onto Maui’s island, as proof that Nalo was trying to stop her right from the beginning.
This whole opener would make it clear that the ocean knows that Nalo can control it (at least partially) and that’s why ocean helped Moana only so much in the first movie. And that’s why the ocean didn’t restore the Heart of Te Fiti itself in the first place — because Nalo wouldn’t let it.
Finally the scene ends with Nalo snarling to the ocean, “Te Fiti’s heart may have been restored but the tribes will remain separated. You will make sure of that . . . or else.”
Do you think Elio is going to do well at the box office this year? I’m seeing it out of principle, I want to support as many original films as I can.
Speaking of original movies, I highly recommend Sinners, the new Ryan Coogler film. Without spoiling it, there is an Irish element of the film 🙂
I’ve heard, gonna have to check ot out.
Thanks for the article! And your podcast! And I’m looking forward to the new book in September! (Already half-convinced the book club to make it our October spooky book 😉)
Dear Mouse, my recommendations to you mean very little since VAN HELSING, but I’ve just finished watching ASTERIX & OBELIX THE BIG FIGHT and I thought it the most delightful bit of cartooning I’ve seen in years.
If nothing else, I heartily recommend that you keep an eye out for the bit with the geese: it’s the very, very last bit but it might even be the very best (Also, the rest of the miniseries is Old School cartoon fun too).
My only regret is that the English dub didn’t have the sense to cast the Gauls with Scots, Welsh or Irish accents.
Weren’t you the same high tolerance of cinematic crap person who threw a hissy fit when Mouse criticized Strange World?
Edit: That was fot Furienna.
Nope! For the record, I thought Strange World was fine, if you’re curious. Interesting ideas and some fun animation and world building, but the script was kinda by the numbers in a lot of ways. I’d watch it again if someone asked or I was in just the right mood, but not something I’d probably actively seek out again.
I do have a fairly high cheese tolerance in general, but for this, I hated every single one of the non-coconut crewmates so much there was no saving the film for me with them in it as currently written. IMO Gurgi in Black Cauldron is a less annoying sidekick. GURGI!
The coconut can stay because A) he’s competent and B) He doesn’t fucking TALK. Every line out of their mouths was so grating and wanna-be-quirky without anything to actually make them endearing…Flames! Flames on the side of my face!
Also I think Barlow and Bear handled the Unofficial Bridgerton Musical thing really badly and potentially risked some nasty copywright rulings because they got greedy so I was not disposed to like them going in, and their music here did not change my mind. We have rip-offs of better songs from the first one, a couple okay but forgettable tunes, and whatever the hell that horrible Maui song was. Dear God.
EDIT: Sorry! Your comment was just below mine and I was looking quickly and thought you were replying to me.
I really really hated this one. The songs ranged from just okay to terrible (Maui’s song was worse than anything in Wish) and I wanted all of Moana’s new crewmates besides the coconut dead. They managed to be both incompetent and nails on a chalkboard annoying. And Maui was also Flanderized to hell and back and was almost as bad. Weirdly I thought the little sister was fine and reasonably cute.
I would watch Hunchback 2 before I would watch this again. I would watch Belle’s Magical World before I would watch this again. I hated it that much.