Star Trek

A whole mess o’ trek…

You know, I remember a time in 1994 when Star Trek: The Next Generation was in its final series, Deep Space Nine was trundling along merrily and the Star Trek fandom was eagerly awaiting the first Next Gen movie and this new show called Voyager. It felt like peak Star Trek, like there was more Star Trek than we could ever need. But that was nothing compared to the veritable tsunami that is currently cresting on the horizon and preparing to sweep us all away. Is it a good tsunami? Is the tsunami made of water or piss? Well, like most tsunamis, I would hope it’s mostly water but can’t disregard the fact that there will almost certainly be some piss in there. Fish piss probably. But maybe some human. Who can say? Where was I?

Oh yes, Star Trek.

So I’m writing this post more or less because I just want to get straight in my head exactly how many potential new shows and movies are floating out there. We’ll start with the concrete stuff that is definitely happening first and move onto the less likely ephemera.

Star Trek Discovery Season 2

What is it?: After a hella troubled production and a good to great (though no means universally beloved) first season, the crew of the Discovery are back and now under the command of Captain Christopher Pike to search the galaxy looking for Spock.

Is this definitely happening?: Yeah. Definitely. It’s already been filmed and everything. There’s a trailer, look.

Will it be any good?: I thought Discovery’s first season was fun, occasionally dumb, visually gorgeous and overall a pretty good time. That has me excited for Season 2 as all Trek series (with the exception of TOS) took at least a season to get going so I’m expecting the show’s sophomore outing to be even better. Also, the Klingons have hair now and I can breathe again.

Ohhh that’s so much better.

Short Treks

What is it?: A series of short, fifteen minute episodes set around Star Trek Discovery and being released periodically over Winter ’18, Spring ’19.

Is this definitely happening?: Yup.

Will it be any good?: No clue. Because it’s not being streamed in Ireland. Because CBS are racist.

Untitled Picard Series

What is it?: A series set 25 years after Star Trek exploring the continuing adventures of a now elderly Jean Luc Picard.

Is this definitely happening?: Looks like. Patrick Stewart is signed up and they’re due to start filming in April ’19.

Will it be any good?: They can’t screw this up, can they? I mean, this is like slamdunking with a step-ladder. This is the series the fans have been crying out for (a look at the post-Nemesis timeline) starring the greatest actor in the history of the franchise playing one of its most beloved characters. They can’t screw this up. Bring back John de Lancie as Q, give them back their balls from the little locker Janeway keeps under her desk, sprinkle with some TNG cameos and boom. Instant classic. They can’t screw this up. They can’t screw this up. Oh God, they’re going to screw this up, aren’t they?

Lower Decks

What is it?: Okay, follow me closely. It’s a Star Trek comedy. Done by one of the creators of Rick and Morty. Taking place on the least important ship in Starfleet. And it’s a cartoon.

Is this definitely happening?: Uh…maybe? Apparently? Yes? Unless I’m being pranked, yes this is a real going concern.

Will it be any good?: Look, it’s not like there’s never been a Star Trek cartoon before. There was. It was weird as balls.

Yup. That’s a regular sized Spock looking up at a giant Spock that they just found on a random planet. Oh this is nothing, NOTHING!

If this is done kinda like Blue Harvest where it’s obviously not taking place in the main series continuity it could be really funny. If they try to make this canon though, I don’t see how that’s gonna work. It means every time I watch an old episode of any other series I’ll be thinking about how weird it is that somewhere out there there’s a ship full of cartoon characters wubba-lubba-dub-dubbing around.

Star Trek 4

What is it?: The next instalment of the Kelvin timeline movies.

Is this definitely happening?: This is pretty much definitely not happening. Both Chris’, Pines and Hemsworth, are apparently unwilling to return which means the series is probably dead. Jim.

Would it have been any good?: Ehhhhhh…the Kelvin films seemed to have a reverse curse going on with the odd-numbered movies being good (well, acceptable) and the even numbered one being bad (well, a festering atrocity on the buttocks of the franchise) so going by primitive Trekker superstition, probably not. Plus, the plot apparently involved Chris Hemsworth returning as Jim Kirk’s father despite being

Hella dead and
No seriously. Really, really dead.

So I’m going to say we dodged a phaser blast with this one. Rest in peace, Kelvin timeline. You sure were a thing that existed.

Quentin Tarantino’s Star Trek Movie

What is it?: Yup, Quentin Tarantino wants to direct a Star Trek movie and who can blame him?

Is this definitely happening?: Since it was announced that Tarantino would direct in December 2017 things have been quiet so don’t get your hopes up.

Will it be any good?: It’s really fascinating to speculate whether this would have been/will be a Quentin Tarantino Star Trek movie or a Star Trek movie directed by Quentin Tarantino. On reflection I don’t think this will be/would have been what most people imagine with this mash up, with dude massacreing their way through the Federation, dropping F-Bombs and noting how on Qu’onos they don’t call it a gagh with extra tentacles they, call it a gagh Royale. Tarantino’s first and foremost a fan and I’d expect a Star Trek movie that homages the movies that went before it in tone, cinematography, costumes, everything, and absolutely laden down with nods and references to Trek lore. Average Joe probably wouldn’t be able to make head nor tail of it but I’d dig the hell out of that.

Untitled Philippa Georgiou Series

What is it?: Alright, spoiler warnings for the last season of Discovery. Apparently, Michelle Yeoh is in talks with CBS to star in a spin-off series as Empress Georgiou, the evil former ruler of the Mirror Universe Terran Empire who’s currently running around the regular Trek universe having adventures and cackling evilly.

Is this definitely happening?: This is very, very early days and honestly I’ll be surprised if it goes beyond initial negotiations.

Will it be any good?: Think about this for a minute. The Empress is a an absolute hoot and Michelle Yeoh is clearly having a blast playing her. But we’re talking about basing a series around genocidal, cannibalistic space Hitler. It’s…it’s a little removed from Gene Roddenberry’s vision, no? I’m going to guess that this doesn’t come to pass and also remind the execs at CBS that cocaine is a hell of a drug and they should quite while their septums are intact.

And that’s it…that is all the Trek that is currently percolating around out there like nebula-fresh coffee. Am I overlooking anything? Let me know in the comments.

MOVIE (AND TV SERIES) DEATHMATCH!!!

Before we get on to the fun part of unveiling which of the 123 (I’M SORRY I’LL REPEAT THAT AGAIN ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FRICKIN’ THREE) Movies and TV series that you nominated made the cut, let’s go through how this works again.

Make a donation of $5 or $10 to the Joanna VR Kickstarter page.
Leave a message on the Kickstarter page (or an email to unshavedmouse@gmail.com) telling me who gets your vote or votes ($5 counts as one vote, $10 counts as two).
We’ll be running the Kickstarter for thirty-eight days. Every two weeks, the lowest scoring three movies/series will be eliminated in entertainingly gory ways.
Highest scoring three movies/series at the end of the month get reviewed. Simple as.

Mouse? I’m rich, and I believe the rules do not apply to me.

How can I get you to review a movie or series I want and skip all this foolishness?

A $25 dollar donation and I’m yours for the night, baby. That automatically gets you a review of any movie or episode of a TV series your heart desires. Anything at all. Doesn’t even have to be animated or a comic book movie. Anything. I will review a damn sexual harassment training video if you want.

What’ll you do for $40?

Two reviews.

A hundred?

Anal.

WHAT?!

Oh what are you, a cop?

Ohhhhhkay… What if I buy a review for a movie or series that’s competing in the death match?

In the case of movies, if you give a $25 donation and request a movie that loses the deathmatch, you get the review anyway. If your movie wins the deathmatch then I will contact you and ask you for your second choice and you get two movies that you wanted reviewed instead of one. Fair enough?

In the case of a TV series that wins the deathmatch, I’ll review an extra episode for every person that gave a $25 donation for that series.

“And that, children, is how the Unshaved Mouse had to review Gravity Falls for the rest of his life.”

So, without further ado…LET’S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS!

D~~arkwing Duck~~

~~Age: 24 (Now don’t YOU feel old?)~~

~~Episodes: 91~~

~~AKA: “DW”, “The Killer Bill”, “Ol’ Motherducker”~~

A grim spectre of the night, Darkwing Duck brings peerless martial arts skills and cutting edge gagetry to the deathmatch arena. Coming face to face with DW, many fighters will turn tail and run when they hear three words: “Let’s. Get. Dangerous.” ELIMINATED

Gargoyles

Age: 18

Episodes: 78

AKA: “Dismemberer of the Night”

A savage and lethal combatant, Gargoyles swoops from the shadows, picking off unsuspecting opponents and tearing them to pieces before they have a chance to react. Temporarily allied with its Disney stablemates, how long can this fighter resist its own beastial nature before it turns on them? Not long. Not really…no, not long at all. Matter of minutes.

~~A Goofy Movie~~

~~Age: 20~~

~~Run Time: 78 minutes~~

~~AKA: “The Super Goofer Trouper”~~

In a very Disney-heavy field this perennially overlooked and disrespected film has nothing to lose and everything to prove. And that may just make him the most dangerous fighter of all. “You want to get nuts with Goofy!?” he yells through bloodied teeth “C’MON! LET’S GET NUTS!” ELIMINATED

Gravity Falls

Age: 3

Episodes: 38 and counting

AKA: “The Inevitable G”

No movie or series entered this contest with more hype. No other fighter has as much love from the crowd. And perhaps, no other fighter is as big a target or has as far to fall. Beloved though it may be, Gravity Falls should remember the fate of The Iron Giant, another highly popular fighter who was favoured to win and then got blown up by a nuke. Makes you think.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2

Age: 17

Run Time: 69 Minutes

AKA: “Ol’ Worse Than Cancer”

Guys, I’m just going to drop the schtick for a second. This movie can’t win. Do not let this movie win. Don’t be stupid now. This thing will be the death of us all.

~~Pacific Rim~~

~~Age: 3~~

~~Run Time: 132 minutes~~

~~AKA: “The very confused one”~~

“Help!” Pacific Rim yells, banging furiously on the bars of its cell “There’s been a terrible mistake! I’m not an animation or a comic book movie! I shouldn’t even be here! Let me out!”

~~“There is only one way out.” a wise old movie tells him “Win the crowd, and you will win your freedom.”~~ ELIMINATED

~~SWAT Kats~~

~~Age: 22~~

~~Episodes: 23~~

~~AKA: “The Hanna Barbarians”~~

~~SWAT Kats steps into the arena with cutting edge weaponry, EXTREME ATTITUDE and a total disrespect for spelling convention. It’s like the nineties never went away, baby.~~ ELIMINATED

~~Star Trek: The Animated Series~~

~~Age: 42~~

~~Episodes: 22~~

~~AKA: “The Terror From Beyond the Stars”~~

“Captain’s log, stardate…unknown. My crew and I have found ourselves transported to a strange alternate dimension where it appears we are to be made to fight for the amusement of beings of incredible power. Of course, the taking of sentient life in arena combat is barbaric and anathema to the code of any Starfleet officer but…well, that’s never stopped us before. Mr Spock, it’s time to choke a bitch.”

~~“Logical, Captain.”~~ ELIMINATED

Steven Universe

Age: 3

Episodes: 73 and counting

AKA: “Cruisin’ for a Fusion”

Another highly favoured fighter, Steven Universe will stop at nothing to win the Deathmatch and return Earth to Homeworld Gem control.

Summer Wars

Age: 6

Run time: 114 Minutes

AKA: “Most Righteous Death Edge of the East”

Word of the Deathmatch has traveled even to the Far East. A lone warrior, masterless and taciturn, Summer Wars comes to test its skill against the mightiest warriors the West has to offer. Only then, will it finally be able to quell the rage that dwells within its heart.

The Lego Movie

Age: 1

Run Time: 100 Minutes

AKA: “The Brick Shithouse”

The youngest of our fighters, The Lego Movie eschews speed and skill for pure, brute power. As anyone who’s stepped on a lego brick barefoot in the dead of night can attest, Lego is lethal business.

~~Turtles Forever~~

~~Age: 6~~

~~Run Time: 73 Minutes~~

~~AKA: “Lean Green Machine”~~

~~Combining the techniques both old and new, Turtles Forever is an excellent all round fighter that just might have the skill and tenacity to come out on top.~~ ELIMINATED

***

So there you have it. Head over to the Kickstarter page and let’s get some blood on the sand. Be sure to check in on 04 December to see who’s gone to their eternal reward.

Turn this ship around (How to rescue Star Trek).

I am a massive Star Trek fan (please, no shrieks of astonishment) so fair warning right now, we are going DEEP down the nerd hole for this post.

In 2005 Star Trek was dead. The last film, Nemesis, was a big dumb turd (although not the worst Star Trek film by a space-mile in my humble opinion) and Star Trek: Enterprise was cancelled, marking the first time since 1987 that there had been no new Trek on TV. Then, in 2009, JJ Abrams massively successful Star Trek brought the franchise roaring back to life. That movie pissed off a lot of hardcore Star Trek fans. I was not one of them. I loved that movie. Was it dumb? Oh hell yes, but then the Star Trek movies have always been less cerebral affairs than the TV series (and in fact the movies that did try to go all deep and philosophical often were even dumber and a hell of a lot less fun than the ones that were content to be straight up action flicks). There was plenty of sloppy plotting and ridiculous coincidence but the cast had good chemistry, the action looked great and it took some really brave chances. Blowing up Vulcan genuinely shocked me and showed that these guys weren’t afraid to seriously shake things up. So I was well and truly pumped for Star Trek Into Darkness when it came out in 2013.

Star Trek Into Darkness was the shittiest piece of shit that ever shat. God-DAMN but I hate that movie. Hands down my least favourite Star Trek film. Yes, even more than the one where Kirk meets God and then he’s not God. Even more than the one that’s almost entirely slow motion shots of the Enterprise. I hate that movie even more than the never released Star Trek: Scotty Presents the Wonderful World of Nude Mime and I just made up that film. I literally flipped off the screen in the cinema as the credits rolled.

And now the news has broken that JJ Abrams (who, whatever you think of his work, at least we can all agree is a director) is not returning for the sequel and will instead be replaced by script writer Roberto Orci, the man responsible for most of what I hated about the last film and who has never directed a movie before in his life.

(more…)

Check this guy out…

Chuck “SF Debris” Sonnenburg is one of my favorite internet reviewers and, along with others like Doug “Nostalgia Critic” Walker, Lindsay “Nostalgia Chick” Ellis and Bob “Movie Bob” Chipman, one of the people who inspired me to start this blog in the first place.

Chuck’s particular wheelhouse is science fiction, particularly hilariously brutal takedowns of bad Star Trek episodes. A while back I asked him to review what is (in my opinion) one of the all time worst Star Trek episodes, the TNG First Season trainwreck “Angel One”. He did, and even survived.

Check it out : http://sfdebris.com/videos/startrek/t115.asp