(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)
UM: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Unshaved Mouse, with me tonight is my lovely assitant Erik Copper, say hi to the nice folks Erik.
EC: Hi to the nice folks, Erik!
UM: Alright, listen buster, you want a corny joke war you got a corny joke war.
EC: Oh, trust me, good sir, I am more than proficient in the art of the corny joke. How do the folks over seas say it? “You don’t want nunna this?”
UM: They do say that. In England. Which, for me, is also overseas.
EC: Ah, yes. “The pond” as I heard it once called. Anyway, there are people reading this post, and I’m sure they heard enough of your corny jokes from the past 47 reviews. Ohhhh! And that is what we Americans call a “sick burn”.
UM: Yes. There are people reading this. Because it is my blog. Key difference. In Ireland, that is what we call “sruthán tinn.”
EC: You’ll have to excuse me. I do not speak–
UM: Don’t say Gaelic. Don’t say Gaelic. I warn you. Do not say Gaelic.
UM: Much better. So, before we incite an international incident., how about we talk about Enchanted?
EC: Well…From last week’s “next week” preview, I have a feeling your thoughts of this movie might already incite an international incident. I hear you do not like this film?
UM: Ah….okay, I may have overstated the case. No, I didn’t. I hate this movie. But I recognise that it’s not bad, and that there’s a lot of good in it. But, I think it’s kind of mediocre and phoned in and really overrated. It’s like American History X for me.
EC: But isn’t that part of the charm? It’s supposed to be a parody/deconstruction of the Disney princess motif. And in that respect, I think it does it’s job really well. Showing that the Disney “magic” doesn’t really exist outside of film kind of makes the charm all the more endearing.
UM: Well, firstly I don’t think it does it WELL, I think it does it like…competently. Like, it starts with the premise of letting a Disney princess loose in modern day New York, gets the most obvious jokes it can out of it (and don’t get me wrong, just because they’re obvious doesn’t mean they’re not funny), but it never really goes beyond that. It does everything you expect with the concept and not a jot more. And it’s not that noticeable because Amy Adams and James Marsden are giving it so much energy. I mean, they are both really, really appealing in this. That’s why I likened it to American History X, a mediocre movie that people think is great because it has a really good lead performance. Also, it’s about white supremacy.
EC: I’ve never seen American History X, but that description makes me think I might have a Song of the South reaction to the film. While I do see the side of your argument (and believe me, this movie seems to have more sides than an octagon) I think the point of the movie isn’t to give more than what it did. If you think about it, the film’s concept isn’t really all that broad. “Fairy tale in New York” (No, Pogue’s fans, go away). That’s a theme you can’t do much with, because fairy tales are so confined to a certain kind of feel, and real life contrasts with it so much. I think what the movie did with what it had made it a better film than you’re giving it credit for.
UM: “It’s Christmas Eve Baaaaaaaaabe….in the drunk taaaaaaaaank!” I’m sorry, did you say something?
EC: Goddammit, I’ve lost the Mouse. After I fetch a cat to try and wake him up (fear is often the best medicine, I find), we’ll start the actual review.
UM: You ever….EVER do that to me again. You just wait. I’m gonna get your natural predator and launch it at you when you least expect it!
EC: Somehow, I doubt that entirely. ANYWAY! How does the movie start?
UM: Well, I’m GLAD YOU ASKED! Alright, so the movie begins with a pretty faithful recreation of the Sleeping Beauty opening with the storybook and even the “Walt Disney presents” rendered in the same font. So, yeah, I will give the movie this, it does quite faithfully recreate little details like that.
EC: Actually, the “Walt Disney” logo that plays before every movie was rendered beautifully in CGI, and we zoom in on the castle. Coupled with the lush music that plays during the sequence, it makes for a really inviting visual spectacle, and sets the stage for a “magical” experience.
UM: And the wedding of Erik Copper and the Disney logo will take place this summer,and you are all invited.
EC: Mouse, I was hoping I could break the news…
UM: Oh God, dude, I’m sorry, I didn’t think.
EC: Oh, man…I am gonna hear about this…
UM: Okay, if I’ve done enough damage. The movie begins in Andalasia (which has always been at war with Oceania) with the narrator (Julie Andrews) explaining that the country is ruled by a wicked Queen named Narissa, who is worried that her step son Prince Edward will marry and she will lose the throne. Man, you Americans just do not GET how monarchy works, do you?
EC: We left and formed the colonies for a reason, my friend. Also, can I just interject and say how every Disney prince seems to be given one of the blandest names ever? It’s like their parents WANTED them to grow up to have all the personality of a cardboard box…Edward, Eric, Charming, Adam…
UM: Hey, Prince Adam was AWESOME!
UM: We now see Giselle (Amy Adams) in her little forest house surrounded by the usual forest detritus. Erik, thoughts on this animation?
EC: I think it’s actually pretty well done. The textures and colors are very vibrant, but that’s to be expected when you aren’t restricted by paper and pen anymore. This was all drawn digitally, yes?
UM: Yeah. Disney wanted to make a movie about a Disney princess in the real world but unfortunately they’d shut down their traditional animation wing by this point and cue the smallest violin in the world playing just for them.
EC: It almost brings a tear to my eye. Almost.
UM: Yes. I imagine you would be crying after being attacked by a RED PANDA!!!!!!
UM: ….Humans are scared of pandas, right?
EC: If fear is equivalent to d’awwwwing at extremely unbearable levels, then yes. We’re terrified. You’ll have to try harder to find my worst fear, Mouse.
UM: Damnation! Well, anyway, this animation doesn’t really do it for me. Not bad, certainly not. But, the problem is that this isn’t animation by the Disney animation team, it’s a load of animators who’ve been brought in (many of them former Disney animators admittedly) and told to do an impression of Disney animation. And honestly, it’s far too shiny and happy to really look like anything Disney did in the Tar and Sugar or Restoration era. Look back on Pinocchio or Snow White. They’re not shiny and colourful, they are dark and moody as fuck. They are downright sombre in places.
EC: They also have some frightening images at times.
UM: Yeah. Just a bit. Okay, so Giselle and the UFD are putting together a…what the fuck are they making Erik, help me out here.
EC: They’re making a model of the prince Giselle saw in her dream, but it’s starting to look more like something I should be throwing Holy Water at.
UM: This is…this is a serial killer mannequin, isn’t it?
EC: Prince Charming isn’t so charming NOW, is he?
UM: Okay. I now have an idea for a movie about a woman who thinks she’s a Disney princess and murders people ritually in a way that references each of the Princess movies. It’s Disney crossed with Seven. It’s my idea and you can’t steal it or I will feed you to THIS MEERKAT!
EC: Sorry, did you say something? I was too busy selling the movie rights to notice your futile attempt to find my natural predator.
UM: God I hate you so much. Why did I ever let you be my voice?
EC: Y’know, I think Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse had this same conversation on many different occasions…
UM: Mel Blanc never forgave Bugs Bunny for sleeping with his wife.
EC: I guess Bugs didn’t need the Doc to tell him what was “up”.
UM: Wow, and we just ruined the childhood of every generation since the frickin’ forties!
EC: I’d show myself out, but we’ve still got a lot of movie to cover. Chop chop!
UM: Alright, so we then see Prince Edward defeating a massive green troll in the forest.
UM: Hmmm…a green troll. Getting its ass kicked by a Disney prince. Erik, call me crazy, but I think there may be symbolism afoot!
EC: You’re crazy.
UM: Hear me out! That big green, ogre-like troll is obviously a stand-in for the Incredible Hulk. This is Disney saying “Oh yeah, we’re buying Marvel. Few years down the line, it’s gonna happen. Fair warning.”
EC:…I rescind I previous statement. You’re batshit insane.
UM: Beans. Oh, we also meet Nathaniel, Edward’s Gaston-like man-bitch voiced by Timothy “Shifty Like None Other” Spall. Edward hears Giselle singing and races off to find her, but Nathaniel is actually secretly working for Narissa and releases the
ogre Hulk Shrek troll so that he’ll get to Giselle first and eat her and as cock blocks go, that’s a doozy.
EC: Wait, Nathanial is trying to eat Giselle?
UM: No….the troll.
EC: Oh…Jesus, man. Be more clear.
UM: Sorry. Edward rescues Giselle with a little help from Giselle’s sassy little chipmunk buddy Pip (Jeff Bennett), their eyes meet and Edward exclaims “We shall be married in the morning!”
EC: Well, at least Giselle knows Edward is going to marry HER. We’d hate to have a repeat of what happened to Arial…
UM: Also, it’s “We shall be married” not “Will you marry me?”
EC: Potential suitors, take note: The more forceful the proposal, the less of a chance she’ll say “no”.
UM: The less of a chance, indeed, that she will say anything and not just mace your ass.
EC: I’m charming (and naive) enough to have faith that will not happen. Do not shatter my perception of love.
UM: Hasn’t Frozen already done that? Speaking of…
EC: Yeah, don’t people usually compare Enchanted to Frozen?
UM: Yeah, and for me, Frozen actually caused me to seriously downgrade Enchanted in my estimation. Frozen really drank this movie’s milkshake in my opinion.
UM: Enchanted takes the “you will meet your true prince and it will be love at first sight” trope and says “Oh, isn’t this silly?”. Frozen takes it and says “No, it’s fucking dangerous and we need to stop teaching this to little girls because it’s messed up.” And look, I love the old Disney movies. Love ‘em to death, but this is one trope that I think really needs to die and I am so glad that Frozen was the movie that finally stabbed an icicle in its heart
EC: Its “Frozen Heart” if you will.
UM: Exactly. Oh God it’s Susan Sarandon.
EC: What’s the problem?
UM: You think she’s GOOD?!
EC: She’s not…Bad, per se, but…I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t call her “GOOD”…
UM: See, the villain is SO important in a Disney movie. Honestly, I often think they’re more integral than the heroes. Cruella De Ville anyone?
EC: If she didn’t have such a fascination with using real fur in her coats, we wouldn’t have a movie…
UM: Well, it would just be Pongo and Perdie parenting, and driving their kids to school and shit.
EC:…Where would Dalmatians even GO to school?
(Cue Mouse and Erik searching the internet for names of famous colleges and dog puns for four hours before finally throwing up their hands and admitting they got nothing.)
EC: Well, I think that was four hours well spent, how about you?
UM: It brought us closer to together. No question. As I was saying, I think Sarandon is pretty awful, and the constant apeing of my favourite evil Disney villainesses doesn’t help. I mean, there’s that bit where she turns into a dragon and I’m like “No. NO. I knew Maleficent. Maleficent was a friend of mine. And you, madam, are no Maleficent.”
Anyway, Giselle shows up at the palace in her wedding dress and Narissa ambushes her dressed as an old beggar woman.
UM: She tells Giselle to make a wish in the wishing well and then pushes her in. Nathaniel asks her where the well goes to and she says “to a place where there are no happily ever afters”.
UM:Actually, Erik, I have a question. So Narissa has a well in her garden that acts as a portal to New York. Okay, fair enough, she goes there for the sales, whatever. It just strikes me that this plan might have worked better if she’d just used a regular non-magic well and drowned her.
EC: Mouse! This is a FAMILY picture!
UM: You’ve never met my family, clearly.
EC:…I have a fear of wells, so I think I’ll steer clear of your family, thank you.
UM: How did you know I was related to HG Wells?
EC: Well, how many other talking mice do you know of, outside of Sci-Fi?
UM: Touché. Alright, so Giselle gets eaten by fireflies and then turned into flesh and blood Amy Adams. And, let me be clear, I think Amy Adams is fantastic in this. Not just in the comedic stuff, but how she reacts when she’s been transformed into three dimensions feels really believable to me. She really sells it is what I’m saying. Giselle comes up through a manhole cover and stands, confused and dazed, in modern day Times Square.
UM: So Giselle goes running around New York bumping into shit and calling a random dwarf she meets “Grumpy”.
EC: Um…That’s a bit offensive. I mean, if it were Grumpy, where would the other six dwarves be? THINK, GISELLE!
UM: Also, does she know Grumpy? Is she their neighbour? And if she does know him, why doesn’t she realise that this guy looks nothing like Grumpy? Or is she just aware that there is a dwarf somewhere named Grumpy? That would be like me going up to a random black person and saying “Oprah!”
EC: I think you know who Oprah is, Mouse.
UM: Well I do NOW. But I was just lucky that the random black person did in fact turn out to be Oprah. Million to one shot. Oh my God, I’ve just remembered an actual true story. Friend of mine was helping out at the Special Olympics when they were hosted here in 2003. This actually happened, swear to God. My friend (who shall not be named) sees Muhammad Ali coming down the corridor.
UM: Goes up to him, shakes his hand and says “Can I just say, it’s an honour to meet you Mr Mandela.” Mohammed Ali politely informs my Unnamed Friend that he is not Nelson Mandela, and my Unnamed Friend replies with the words that will live forever: “Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I thought you were someone famous!” True story. Hand to God.
EC: Your friend is lucky they didn’t get punched in the face. I hear that guy throws a mean punch.
UM: How do you throw a nice punch? No wait, better question, how do you review a two hour movie so that the review isn’t longer than the King James Bible?
EC:..I’ll get back to you on that?
UM: Alright, so we now meet Robert Phillip. Or is it Phillip Robert? With a name like that he could be a DC hero.
EC: Why does Patrick Dempsey always play Doctors and Lawyers?
UM: I know right? Why does he never play a ruggedly handsome, wavy-haired septic tank technician?
EC: Because those two things have never been spoken in the same sentence before now, I’m guessing.
UM: In real life the term “handsome lawyer” gets batted around a lot less than you’d think. Well anyway, he plays a lawyer in this…
EC: Get out!
UM:…who’s thinking of finally moving in with his long term girlfriend Nancy (played by Idina Menzel).
EC: I think Idina Menzel’s talents are EXTREMELY wasted in this movie.
UM: Does she sing in this?
EC: Not at all.
UM: Then yes, yes they are. Robert is trying to break this news to his daughter Morgan when they come across Giselle seeking sanctuary from a castle on a billboard. Robert catches Giselle when she falls and lets her into his apartment so that she can call a car to pick her up but she falls asleep on the couch so he has to let her spend the night. Morgan is absolutely Enchanted with Giselle (ohhhhhh…I get it) because she thinks she’s a real princess but Robert just thinks she’s a crazy person.
EC: And when you really get down to it, aren’t all princesses just crazy people with a lot of nice things?
UM: What do you mean? Belle falls in love with a huge animal. Is that crazy? Jasmine wants to leave behind a life of wealth and luxury for poverty and misery on the streets of Agrahbah. Is that crazy? Pocahontas falls in love with an Englishman….oh my God they’re all nuts.
EC: I rest my case.
UM: Your Honour, I move that I be disbarred if it please the court. Okay, so meanwhile, Edward follows Giselle down the well followed by Pip and they both emerge in New York, Edward as James Marsden and Pip as AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!
EC: Whoa, Mouse?! What’s wrong?!
UM: CGI CHIPMUNK! CGI FRICKIN’ CHIPMUNK!
EC: Is…Is that all?
UM: Don’t you get it?! WE ARE AT DEFCON 1! THERE COULD BE SQUEAKQUELS ERIK! SQUEAKQUELS!
EC:…I’m not getting the issue, here.
UM: And I pray you never will. Edward sets off in search of Giselle with Pip, who now can’t talk and can only communicate in grunts and squeaks.
UM: Alright, with the next scene we get one of those comedy beats that’s pretty obvious but nonetheless quite funny. Giselle wakes up in Robert’s apartment and sees the mess and decides to clean up using the usual Disney Princess method, use your psychic powers to enslave an army of hapless creatures to do it for you.
EC: It’s not “enslaving” if they’re singing. Come on, Mouse.
UM: So obviously, the fauna in New York is less “adorable woodland critters” and more “hideous scuttling vermin” like disease ridden rats, mangey one legged pigeons, scuttling cockroaches and I think I saw Donald Trump in there somewhere.
EC: Don’t let him hear you say that. He’ll fire you in a heartbeat.
UM: I work in financial regulation so I’m pretty sure he would if he could. He’s actually trying to build a golf course over here but can’t because there’s an endangered snail on the land. Donald Trump foiled by a slimey mollusc. God has a wicked sense of humour.
EC: There are some things money just can’t buy.
UM: Erik I’m gonna make myself a sandwich, take over would you?
EC: Uh…Sure. Oh, god, I have power now…I must use it wisely. So Morgan runs into her Dad’s room and wakes him up, telling him he has to come see what’s going on in the living room, what with all the birds and bugs and rats that have come to help Giselle clean. When he gets there, he presumably shits bricks and has all of the animals chased out of the house. He then hears Giselle in the shower, and…That’s never a good sign. In a romantic movie, hearing someone shower is basically an invitation to hilarious antics and misunderstandings.
UM: Of course, in a horror movie it’s usually a prelude to stabbing. So it could be worse.
EC: Well…Ruining your relationship of five years? Shit, stab me now.
EC: I’m sorry, baby. I’ll never to do it again…So Nancy (played by
Adele Dazeem Idina Menzel) comes into the apartment just in time to see Giselle fall onto Robert and get the wrong idea. Hilarious antics!
UM: Okay, I will give the movie props on this. They didn’t make Nancy a shrew or secretly a cheater or a gold digger to make it easier for Giselle and Robert to get together. She’s a really nice person who just doesn’t happen to be the one for Robert. I do like that.
EC: I like that too, although she still needed a song. Movie, this is NOT how you use your Idina Menzel. At all.
UM: She is a precious resource after all.
EC: Robert tries to explain why there was a naked wet woman on his lap, but Nancy isn’t buying it. She storms out, and Robert is left to ponder what could have been…Until he realizes Giselle is still standing there.
UM: Meanwhile Nathaniel has arrived in the real world, and he pairs up with Edward who’s been running around Times Square stabbing buses. Really? This whole time? There’s been like a hour of in universe time between his arriving and all the stuff in Robert’s apartment and Edward hasn’t even left Times Square yet? It’s a BIG CITY Ed! Get your ass in gear!
EC: To Edward’s credit, Time’s Square is the most crowded place in New York, so if you were to find someone, you might wanna start looking there.
UM: So now Robert is basically stuck with Giselle. He takes her to work (fortunately it’s take your dimension displaced Princess to work Day) and Giselle’s pure-hearted belief in true eternal love ends up creating problems since this is a divorce law firm. Incidentally, isn’t one of Robert’s clients Clay Davis from The Wire?
EC: I’ve…Actually never seen The Wire. Which is weird, considering it takes place in Baltimore, and I’m like…An hour away.
UM: Really? ‘Cos that show has had such an impact on me. It’s the reason I will never, ever, ever, ever visit your home state.
EC: Dude, if you ever come here, come for the crabs. The sea creature kind. Not the…You know what I mean.
UM: Don’t you tell me how to live my life.
EC: …Okay. So after the whole fiasco at the law firm, Robert and Giselle head to Central Park. They exchange views on love, which leads into the song “That’s How You Know”.
UM: We haven’t actually talked about the songs in this.
EC: …Holy crap. We’ve done almost half of the movie, and we’ve glazed over every single song? How does one DO that in a Disney movie?
UM: You’re a goddamn liability Copper!
EC: Maybe, but I get results! I AM WORTH IT!
UM: I want your badge and your gun on my desk in the morning! Okay, personally, I feel the same way about the songs as I do about the animation. They feel more like impressions of Disney songs. Look, I’ll be honest, as far as I’m concerned the era of the great Disney song ended with Mulan and then we didn’t really get a truly great Disney song until Frozen (maybe Tarzan and Emperor’s New Groove could have some contenders?).
EC: Wait…MAYBE Tarzan? MAYBE TARZAN?!
UM: Alright, I love Two Worlds and you love Two Worlds but that song just hasn’t entered the pop culture consciousness in the same way that say, Under the Sea has.
EC: I don’t know, man. I feel like Tarzan’s soundtrack wasn’t as much a broadway styled project as it was Phil Collins doing what he does best. That’s what the Tarzan musical was for.
UM: There was a Tarzan stage musical? I never knew that.
EC: Oh, yeah. And I think it’s actually a better representation of the Disney style than the movie (where the movie was more Pop, the musical definitely brings it back to showtunes in a way that the movie really strayed from.)
UM: Huh. Okay, so Nathaniel is pretending to help Edward find Giselle (despite Pip’s warnings which Edward can’t understand) but he’s ACTUALLY trying to poison her with apples that he’s been given by Narissa. Meanwhile, Giselle manages to patch things up between Nancy and Robert by getting two white doves to fly a heart-shaped bouquet of flowers to Nancy’s and she’s all like “Heart shaped flowers delivered by doves, dude, screw whoever you like ‘cos you just earned infinite boyfriend points.”
EC: Oh, boy. Boyfriend points! What could you exchange them for?
UM: Unfortunately when you get married, the rate of exchange for boyfriend points to husband points is insane. You’re basically left with nothing. It’s like converting dollars to euro.
EC: And then when the anniversary comes around, it’s like tax day for Husband Points…
UM: Yeah, thanks a lot HUSBAND OBAMA. You know, this movie is really making me appreciate Idina Menzel’s acting skills because my God, she sounds NOTHING like Elsa. Giselle also included two tickets to a ball with the flowers and I’m sure that will play no part in the denouement Erik. Placing money on that right now.
EC: Oh, nope. Not even gonna be mentioned later, I’m sure. We’ll probably just glaze over that.
UM: So to say thank you, Robert takes Giselle out for pizza with Morgan and is that some chemistry I spy?
EC: Oh, no. It’s not a “date”. It’s…It’s…Uh…Well, I mean, it’s not a “date”! It just doesn’t have another word to describe it at all!
UM: Giselle asks if Morgan misses her mother, because being a Disney princess, absent mothers is something she can totally relate to. Honestly, sometimes I think they just arise from the earth like the Dwarves in Middle-Earth. Robert and Giselle have a conversation about Robert is trying to raise Morgan to not believe that life is like a fairy tale. Giselle tells him that sometimes “dreams do come true” and Robert remember’s who he’s talking to.
EC: Can I just say that I love the dynamic between Robert and Giselle? It’s so cool to see a man who doesn’t believe in fairy tales speak to someone that comes from a world where everything DOES work like they do in story books. It’s an interesting look into the contrasting worlds.
UM: I gotta say, I do like this scene a lot. Dempsey sells the grief of losing a wife, and Amy Adams is just adorable, she really is. When he says “I forgot who I was talking to” and she says “I hope you don’t. I like talking to you.” it is genuinely sweet.
EC: I’m seeing you compliment the movie a lot more than bashing it. What’s going on here?
UM: I dunno. Maybe my heart has been warmed by this adorable THOMSON’S GAZELLE! GO FOR HIS THROAT!
UM: …Nothing huh?
EC: Nope. Not even a twitch.
UM: I’m starting to think you don’t have any natural predators.
EC: If I did have one, I wouldn’t tell you.
UM: Hah, I just noticed. The Italian Restaurant is called “Bella Notte”.
EC: I noticed that! There’s a lot of nods to other Disney movies in this.
UM: Yeah. Like when she’s looking at the fish in an aquarium and you can hear “Part of Your World” playing.
EC: I like that. Because it also fits here. Except instead of “wanting” to be where the people are, it’s more like Giselle has no choice…
UM: Whoah. Dude. Like Dude.
EC: I know, right? But at the end, it’s like she’s finally warmed up to the people here. Just like in The Little Mermaid. HOW BOUT DAT. Also, Giselle and Ariel? Both red-heads.
UM: Okay, I think I’ve figured out something about this movie.
EC: What’s that?
UM: When it’s just trying to be a comedy, it’s subpar. But when it actually lets Amy Adams and Patrick Dempsey play off each other and really explore the concept it’s actually really, really interesting. Like this scene where Robert is trying to convince Giselle that Edward’s not coming and she actually gets angry for the first time in her life. And her joy at discovering this whole new emotional universe, it’s actually really compelling. Okay, yes, I seem to be tilting positive on this, shut up.
EC: Oh, I wouldn’t say a word. You seem to be ruining your argument well enough all by yourself.
UM: Alright, so now they’re clearly deep in “I want to kiss you but I cannot” territory which is freaking out both Giselle and Robert. But then, wouldn’t you know it, Edward shows up at the door.
EC: And I gotta say, the part where he starts singing a song, and leaves the end of the line for Giselle to finish…But she doesn’t is really effective. Not only does it show how the world has affected Giselle, but it shows how different of a person she is.
UM: Yeah, she’s gone native. So Giselle decides that rather than just marry Edward maybe they should actually go on a date and try to get to know each other. Giselle starts to realise that maybe she’s not as in love with Edward as she thought, but decides to ask him to take her to the ball. Giselle goes to get Morgan’s advice because she has no idea what to do or what to wear and then Morgan takes out her emergency credit card and oh sweet Jesus they actually have a shopping montage.
EC: If only it were set to “Eye of the Tiger” like all montages should be.
UM: No lie, I fucking hate this scene. “Hey little girls, wouldn’t it be awesome to have your own Disney princess who you could go shopping with?” Fuck this scene with every cock on my body.
EC: I’m going to go ahead and ignore the implications made by that statement.
UM: Yes, I have eight penises. I’m not ashamed.
UM: Oh, you’ve seen my movie?
EC: I rather wish I hadn’t. Anyway, what happens next?
UM: Okay, so Narissa finally arrives in New York. You know, casting this movie must have been really hard. They needed to cast actors who not only have the right voice for the animated characters but also could play their real life counterparts. With Susan Sarandon though, Jesus it’s just zero for two. Anyway, Nancy, Robert, Giselle and Edward meet up at the ball and Giselle introduces him by saying “This is Edward, my…prince.” and I’ll admit it’s a funny line.
EC: It’s like she wanted to say he’s more, but…She needs a SECOND date to be sure.
UM: Nancy is clearly taken with Edward’s “human Ken doll” schtick and we now get the weirdest line in the whole damn movie. The Emcee tells the guys in the ballroom that they have to dance the next waltz with a woman other than the one they invited. WHAT? Who does that? What is this guy’s deal? Did his wife leave him and now he’s trying to break up as many happy couples as he can?
EC: I think it’s just asking for an all-out ballroom
UM: So Giselle and Robert share a dance, and what’s more A MOMENT. Giselle, now realising that she loves Robert, is heartbroken. She gets ambushed by Narissa disguised as the old hag who offers her a poisoned apple with the promise that it will take all her pain away. And to be fair, she ain’t lying.
EC: Death certainly stops pain, yes.
UM: Giselle eats the apple like a silly moo and instantly swoons. Edward catches Narissa in the act and finally realises that she’s evil.
UM: Robert realises that what this situation calls for is some good old fashioned prince kissin’, and Edward kisses her but nothing happens. Maybe if he slipped her the tongue? The clock starts to chime midnight and Narissa gloats that if the curse isn’t broiken before the final chime Giselle ie. Edward begs Robert to try and he says that it’s not possible because he’s only known her for a few days and Nancy tells him to kiss her and that “It’s okay”. Again, really like how they didn’t make Nancy a bitch. Of course Robert’s kiss brings her out of it and Narissa decides to go to plan B. Oh yeah, you know what time it is.
EC: Oddly enough, I was gonna say “is it morphin’ time?”
UM: It is indeed. Narissa turns into a crappy CGI dragon (Maleficent is turning in her grave) and climbs onto the roof with Robert in her clutches. So, in an admiitedly nice subversion, the Princess has to rescure her Prince from the dragon. They battle and then then Narissa slips and falls to her death. Huh. I guess the fall must have killed her?
EC: No, Mouse. ‘Twas beauty that killed the beast.
UM: And that about wraps her up. The movie ends with Giselle staying with Robert in New York, Nancy returning to Andalasia with Edward (Idina Menzel as a Disney princess, yeah, like that’d ever happen) and they all live happily every after in accordance with their contractual obligations to the Walt Disney corporation.
EC: The mouse doesn’t like to cash in on shameless seq–nevermind.
UM: Alright, so how about we score this thing. Animation first, Erik, what do you think?
EC: I think the animation is solid from a technical standpoint, but like you said, it’s more faux-Disney that actual Disney, so…13?
UM: Wow, I actually gave it 14 and I was feeling kinda guilty!
EC: Well, I’m generally an unforgiving bastard.
UM: For leads, like I said before, I think Amy Adams, Patrick Dempsey and James Marsden carry this whole thing so I’m gonna say 16/20.
EC: I love the dynamic between everyone, so I’ll give it an 18.
UM: Oh my God. Copper, you whore!
EC: B-but…I didn’t steal that from anyone! That’s MINE!
UM: Alright, you know my feelings on this villain, 05/20.
EC: Yeah, she does seem rather lackluster and more of a cop out than what we’ve seen in previous movies, but I still kinda think she served her purpose well enough. 10/20
UM: Didn’t much care for the supporting characters, so it’s a six from me.
EC: I loved Pip, and Nathaniel was kind of funny to me, so I’ll give them an 11.
UM: And music?
EC: We kind of glazed over it a lot, but they’re standard Disney. Nothing special, and kinda generic really. I’ll give them a 9/20.
UM: Alan Menken and me had some good times, so I’ll be generous and give a 10/20.
MOUSE’S SCORE: 51%
ERIK’S SCORE: 64%
UM: So there we go. I’d like to thank Erik for joining me on this journey, and Erik, I believe you have a blog of your own that the people here might like to take a look at.
EC: Yes. Now, I know that I seem to own more blogs than the Disney owns properties, but…I think this one will fit in nicely with the crowd here. It’s called Historically Animated, and it’s a review blog where I’ll be taking animated movies and reviewing them chronologically, according to where they take place in Earth’s history. (For example, The Land Before Time is first, and Dinosaur is next, then Ice Age, The Croods, you get the idea.) I currently only have The Land Before Time review up, but I should have a steadily increasing list of films that I’ve looked at.
UM: Yes, do check it out. After all, what better way to mourn Erik after he was tragically eaten by THIS GREAT WHITE SHARK!!!
EC: OH FUBHG@VRBFOUGYJKQHVT$FGBWEJVHB
UM: Tsk. He should have brought bigger boat.
NEXT UPDATE: 05 June 2014.
NEXT TIME: You know, for the longest time I thought it was “robots in the skies”….
Neil Sharpson aka The Unshaved Mouse is a playwright, blogger and comic book writer living in Dublin. The blog updates with a new animated movie review every second Thursday. He’s also serialising his novel The Hangman’s Daughter with a new chapter every other Thursday.
Erik Copper is an American citizen living in Maryland. He loves to write, and look at things with an analytical eye. And he might not be dead…Yet.