“Hey Stan, you hear the Unshaved Mouse is going to start reviewing our movies?”

“What? Isn’t he that guy who reviewed all 53 canon Disney movies in only two years?

“That’s him.”

“Well damn, we’d better crank out some more movies before he burns right through them.”

“There, that oughta hold the bastard.” “Excelsior!”

Some complain that the costume is just like Batman’s. And it is. With the crucial difference that it is much, much cooler.

• 0.10 “I’m going to show you something beautiful.” Okay, so this is James Spader’s Ultron, the film’s principal baddie. In case you don’t know, in the comics Ultron is a nigh unkillable psychotic robot who wants to wipe out all of humanity. He’s also pretty much the definitive Avengers villain. Joker is to Batman as Ultron is to the Avengers. One thing I’m a  little concerned about is that (unless we’ve missed some pretty big hints in earlier films) this movie will be introducing Ultron fresh to the audience. Remember how in Avengers we didn’t have to waste any time establishing motive and backstory for Loki because we’d all seen Thor? That won’t be the case here and the more time we have to spend on Ultron means less time for the other characters.
• 0.15. Tsk tsk. Another movie where humans selfishly abandon their loyal cars to the oncoming monster/alien invasion/tsunami. I swear, when Google’s self-driving cars take over the earth movies like this will not be points in our favour when the Auto Lords debate whether to destroy us utterly or keep a small population of us alive as pets and racing animals.
• 0.15-0.20 “Everybody screaming. For mercy.” Interestingly though, one of the shots we see is not people screaming for mercy but an angry mob. If I had to guess, this is the start of a shift in public opinion away from the hero worship we saw at the end of Avengers and more in keeping with the barely contained hatred and mistrust so common in the comics.
• 0.29 Everybody looking broody on the Quinjet. Bruce Banner is hunched on the ground looking pretty guilt-ridden. Sigh. Who’d you smash now, Bruce?
•   0.30 The Avengers (including Rhodey, good to see he’ll be in it) look up in shock as…Ultron? staggers into the room. Alright, so in the comics Ultron was built by perennial fuck up Doctor Hank Pym aka Ant-Man aka Giant Man aka Yellowjacket aka Goliath aka The Wasp aka Oh For the Love of Pete Just Pick One Man. It seems that for the movie Ultron’s creator will instead be Tony Stark (which, I gotta admit, makes more sense).
• 0.38 Alright, so Ultron(?) picks up what looks like an Iron Man suit decked out in police colours. From this I deduce that Iron Man builds a robot police force which will act as a possibly hamfisted analogy for drone warfare/NSA/Ferguson until it all goes horribly wrong and Tony Stark learns the importance of the human element in law enforcement and to guard against hubris. And yes, I got that from two or three frames of footage. This is why they pay me the big bucks.
• 0.45 Iron Man is staring at a mountain. Why is he staring at a mountain? Iron Man is staring at a mountain. Why is he staring at a mountain? He wants to make love to it. Also, what with this and Maleficent, dark renditions of classic Disney songs is now a thing. It is a thing I approve of.
• 0.50 Captain America kicking a door. Possibly because it was a Nazi door. While I can not confirm or deny rumours that it was a Nazi door, I shall confirm them nonetheless.
•  0.55 After some general chaos we see a shirtless Bruce Banner running shirtless through a snowy forest. Looks like he’s just hulked out and most now go on the run until he can find a way to quell the raging spirit that dwells within him. And cue the sad walking music!
• 1.00 Ooooooh boy. So here’s Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. Not gonna lie, not a huge fan of either of these characters, Wanda in particular. Her abilities have always struck me as being at once ridiculously over powered and maddeningly vague. Also, first impressions are just as lasting for fictional characters as they are for real people and my first encounter with Wanda Maximoff was on the legendarily awful Avengers: United they Stand cartoon show where they made the decision to make her sound like the love child of Eva Gabor (dahling) and Count Chocula. But, who knows? I wasn’t a huge fan of Black Widow until Whedon and Johansson made her my favourite Avenger and the other Quicksilver’s scenes in Days of Future Past were the best part of that movie. Time will tell. Also, interesting that they seem to be teaming up with Ultron. How does this tie in with Baron Strucker and Hydra?
• 1.05 Mooks! Mooks! We got Mooks! Ultron bots to be smashed and blasted to pieces as the popcorn flies. I would not wager money on any of these guys having a long and meaningful character arc.
• 1.10 TONY STARK: “It’s the end. The end of the path I started us on.” So, looks like Tony fucked up. Look, there’s Nick Fury in the background letting him know with a one-eyed glance that he fucked up. You fucked up, Tony.
• 1.16 BLACK WIDOW: “Nothing lasts forever.” A pessimistic Russian? Well I never!
• 1.20 Oh shit. Scarlet Witch freaking out. This usually means reality itself is about to get a right good rogering. This could actually cause some major changes to the status quo. Whole new characters might be plucked from alternate dimensions and become part of the Marvel cinematic universe. My God! Think of the possibilities!

Oh who cares?

THAT’S what I’m talking about!

• 1.20 Okay, so here is the absolute money shot. Hulk squaring off with Iron Man in the Hulkbuster armour. Looks like the Science Bros have called off the bromance. Although, much as I know this fight scene is going to be awesome, part of me is hoping that it’s just them circling each other for ten minutes and yelling “TAKE A SHOT SCIENCE-BRO!” I’M RIGHT HERE SCIENCE-BRO!” “WHY YOU GOTTA BE DIS-RESPECTIN’ SCIENCE-BRO?!”  “I RESPECT YOU SCIENCE-BRO!”
• 1.33 Okay, so that’s Andy Serkis as Ulysses Klaw, arch-enemy of the Black Panther. In the comics Klaw seeks the rare metal vibranium because it is precioussssss, yesssssss. Does this mean BP himself will be making his first appearence in Avengers 2?                                        I dunno. But my gut says “I dunno.”
• 1.35 Hulk reaching out to Black Widow. I really liked the relationship between Widow and Banner in the first movie so I’m glad to see that’s carrying through.
• 1.36 Ballerinas. Ten gets you a hundred that’s a Black Widow flashback. Since she’s apparently not getting her own movie the more screentime she gets the better, says Mouse.
• 1.40 Thor lifting Stark by his puny neck. Thor thinks you fucked up, Tony.
• 1.50 “But now I’m free.” Okay, they are really running with the Pinocchio parallels here. Well, I take comfort from the fact that this movie featuring an omnicidal robot and rampaging monsters can’t possible be scarier than the original film.
• 1.53 They’ve broken Captain America’s mighty shield! All those who oppose his mighty shield will no longer yield! THEY WILL NO LONGER YIELD! Since the shield is an alloy of vibranium (and another metal which Marvel does not own the movie rights to) will Black Panther be introduced when Captain America has to go to Wakanda to get some more to repair the shield? Because, I gotta say, that’s kinda lame. It’s the twenty first century dude, just get it shipped fer Chrissakes.
•  1.57 “There are no strings on me.” They are being remarkably uncoy about showing Ultron, I haveta say. No teasing. No glimpses in the shadows. Just “Hello! I’m Ultron!”. Like the design, overall. Nice mix of Stark-design and the original comic look but more humanised to make him more of a character and less of a prop. I approve.

So what do I think? Pretty good. A little dour for my taste, I like the fact that the Marvel movies brought some colour and humour back to the genre and that seems to be missing here. Although, it’s a  mile and a half better than the godawful trailer for the first movie and that one turned out great so maybe this is just intentional misdirection. As always, I look forward to hearing what you think the comments. Gimme yer best. Oh, and don’t forget I’m still collecting suggestions form the Charity Movie Deathmatch HERE. Got plenty of classic animations but I’m still looking for comic book movies and/or stinkers to give a nice broad selection.

Mouse out.