Alright, you’re all probably wondering why there’s going to be such a long break between now and the next review. So I thought I’d do what I usually do in these situations; hold a hypothetical conversation with a mysterious person who only speaks in boldface.
Hey Mouse, why you no review long time?
Good, if rather ungrammatically worded, question MPWOSIB.
To answer that I need to explain something about me.
If the only information you were provided about me was a list of what I eat in a given week, you would conclude the following: This person is not merely fat. He is SO fat that he can neither lift his arms nor fit in a bathtub, meaning that the only way he can bathe is to get the elephants in the carnival that he tours with as an attraction to stand in a circle around him and douse him with their trunks. The delivery guys know me by name, sight and scent. You name it, I have had it delivered to my door; Chinese Food, Pizza, Fish and Chips, this new restaurant down the road that just brings a barrel of lard to your house and pumps it straight into your stomach…
But, oddly enough, I’m pretty much at my ideal weight for a male of my age and height and have been for pretty much all my adult life. For whatever reason, I kinda just don’t put on weight and you hate me now and that’s good.
But don’t worry. Karma has got your back. See, a few months ago my wife and I had the following conversation:
(Let me just spoil the ending to this story real quick: I’M FINE.)
Anyway, I got it checked out and it turns out that my gallbladder, which is the part of your digestive system that helps digest fatty foods, has thrown on a red bandana and started screaming about revolution and the liberation of the masses. This, coupled with my appendix’s treasonous attempt on my life in my college years, has convinced me that I’ve been far too trusting of my lower organs.
Anyway, long story short: It turns out I have gallstones.
OMG! ARE YOU GOING TO DIE BEFORE YOU GET TO REVIEW BIG HERO SIX?!
Relax, I’m not going to…heeeeeeeeey. Seriously, though. I’m fine, it’s fine, I’m going to be fine.
What are gallstones? Is that like a euphemism? Are these metaphorical stones?
No, weirdly enough. These are actual, real stones that have formed inside my gallbladder. Whenever I eat fatty foods my gallbladder tries to pump bile which results in the stones getting trapped in the entrance to the gallbladder and a sensation not unlike piranhas chewing through my abdomen.
It’s actually kinda not.
So what are they gonna do?
Take out the whole gallbladder.
Don’t you need that?
Actually, no. It’s like the appendix, just one of those organs who’s main purpose is to try and kill you. It’s actually a really simple procedure. Only trouble is, I’m on a waiting list and it’s going to be around six to eight months before I get treated.
Ah, well, you see Mouse this is why it’s so important to have health insurance.
Yeah. Funny story. I HAVE health insurance.
Yeah. And now you know why, when I wrote that post about why Ireland is a great place to live, I didn’t mention the healthcare system. That was intentional.
Yikes on bikes. Yeah.
You gonna be okay?
As I said, it’s fine. Basically I just need to eat low fat foods as much as possible. I’ve also been given some painkillers and anti-spasmodics to help keep things manageable and so far they’ve done the trick. However, it does mess up my sleeping pattern which means I haven’t been able to do as much writing as I would like. If I was just working on the blog that wouldn’t be a problem but frustratingly, I actually need to be writing more not less right now.
You have news?
I do. Good news. The first draft of my play, A Falling Ton of Iron, went into the Abbey Theatre and the response was really, really positive. I got some really good notes and so now the next stage is to come up with a draft that can actually be workshopped with actors. After that, I’ll do a final draft and hand it in and then the Abbey will have to decide whether to make my career or crush my hopes and dreams like a tiny, tiny grape.
As well as that, I’ve been working on a comic book, an occult horror story starring WB Yeats, with artist Paul Keane that I’m really excited about and really need to get cracking on. So, to sum up; Play, Comic, Blog, Gallstones. Not enough time to do everything.
So don’t do gallstones. That seems like the obvious one not to do.
You’re not wrong. So that’s where we’re at: How I Trained Your Dragon will go up on 14 May and we should be back on schedule after that. Thanks for being so understanding, guys. Also, I’m putting up a ton of posts with recommendations, and news and other stuff that I’ve been meaning to put up for ages (did you know I wrote a movie? And that you can watch it for free?) so watch this space.