(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)
Yes. That is what it would take.
“It’s true.”
“Hey boss, how can we make sure people know it’s supposed to be Hitler?” “Hitler had a moustache, didn’t he?” “Yeah.” “Give him a moustache. That way they’ll know.”
“NO! NO! A superhero who comes face to face with Adolf Hitler and does not punch him right in his stupid face is not a superhero! Good day sir!”
“But what we’re trying to show is that prejudice can…”
“I SAID “GOOD DAY” SIR!”
Warning for: Hatred. Genocide. Inaccurate moustache.
“And knowing is half the battle!”
So this guy is regular Captain Planet villain Duke Nukem or, to give him his full title, The Right Honourable Duke of Nukinghamshire.
The Duke, seen here attending the Epsom Derby with Her Majesty.
The Duke is then joined by Verminous Skumm, a mutant rat guy and okay I should probably explain this. See, rather than showing ordinary human beings as being responsible for pollution, this show instead used supervillains (or “Eco-villains” as they’re called) to represent the various problems facing the environment. So Nukem obviously represents nuclear power, and Verminous represents crime and disease because he’s a rodent and shit, it’s not like we need positive representation or anything. I should also explain that this episode was made in season three when most of the A list talent had realised that there was going to be 113 fucking episodes and they had other shit to do. So while Nukem and Verminous were originally voiced by Dean Stockwell and Jeff…uh,uh…Goldblum? here both characters are voiced by Maurice La Marche, who’s made something of a career out of voicing nefarious rodents.
Although personally, I always felt he was more of a tragic hero.
Anyhew, Nukem is addicted to radiation and Verminous tells him that he’s got three nuclear bombs but that he’s hidden them in three different locations across the globe. Nukem, understandably, is pissed off at this and yells “You moronic Mouse! How am I supposed to get my radiation?”
“Hey! Hey! There is NO need to bring species into this!”
Verminous says that if his plan works getting radiation won’t be a problem. We then cut to the Planeteers island base where they’re sitting around a TV watching whales. Because of course they are. These guys defy parody. This actually makes me angrier than it should. I mean, how difficult would it be to have them watching…I dunno, a football match. A soap opera. A movie. Something relatable. Something that actually tells us about their likes and dislikes, actually giving us a little smidgen of character but nope. Whales. They’re watching whales and cooing about how awesome they are. Gi asks if everyone knows that whales may be as smart as humans. And no, Gi. We did not know, that. Because it’s not true. Wheeler asks, logically enough, if whales are so smart why haven’t they invented anything? And Gaia answers “Like weapons that could destroy the Earth?”
Damn Wheeler, if you have the Fire Ring how come you’re the one who just got burned? Of course, if whales did have a nuclear deterrent we might have thought twice about hunting them to near extinction. Anyway, Verminous appears onscreen and tells Gaia that he’s going to prove to her that humans are full of petty hatreds and will destroy each other.
“Have you not heard of my servant Job?”
Verminous explains that he’s planted the bombs in Belfast, the West Bank and South Africa and given detonators to a Catholic and a Protestant, a Jew and an Arab and a black person and a white person.
“Now, this bomb is armed! This bomb is mobile! And the identity of the triggerman is a mystery. And at the first sign of interference from the outside world, or for those people attempting to flee, this anonymous Belfaster – this unsung hero – will trigger the bomb!”
Now, all sarcasm aside, that’s actually a pretty compelling scenario right there and in the right hands you could even make something that was both thrilling and had genuinely relevant things to say about the conflicts in those nations. These aren’t the right hands, these aren’t even close to being the right hands, these are mangled stumps but still, the premise definitely has potential so points there. Gaia tells Skumm that he won’t get away with nuclear terrorism and yeah, dude, you are so dead. Every intelligence agency on earth is now gunning for your head on a platter. I hope whatever point you hoped to make was worth it because you are a dead fucking rat walking. Gaia tells the Planeteers that each of these conflicts is a blood feud that has gone on for generations and Kwame says that they must go there and stop all this madness. Oh hallelujah. Our Troubles are at an end. Gaia says that if a nuclear bomb went off, even Captain Planet wouldn’t be able to save them.
Not even Captain Planet!?! BUT HE’S SO USEFUL!
The Planeteers volunteer to go with Wheeler saying “You gotta let us try!” and Linka adding “Da!” which made me laugh because I know it’s Russian for “Yes” but it’s sound like she’s saying “Duh! Gaia! You idiot!”
Gaia smiles and says “And Skumm says there’s no hope for humanity.”
We are so fucking dead.
So Wheeler gets dropped off in Belfast to find the detonator. Ma-Ti asks him if he wants help and Wheeler says “Are you kidding? Belfast is my kind of town. I feel like a native already.”
“Okay, so we’re starting a death pool. I say he gets murdered in five minutes, any takers?”
So Wheeler ambles through Belfast, here rendered as a few cottages amongst vast piles of rubble with the letters “IRA” scrawled on every available surface beneath a weird green sky (eh, that’s really more Strabane). Wheeler muses aloud if he’s in a Catholic neighbourhood or a Protestant neighbourhood. Now, I’m obviously not from Northern Ireland but I’ve ended up there a few times when I got lost on a moonless midnight road or fell through an eldritch portal and trust me, that is not a question you ever need to ask.
The signs are there if you know where to look.
Anyway, Wheeler comes across an Irish Catholic called Seán O’Reilly (what, Paddy McIrishname wasn’t available?) who’s in the middle of throwing a petrol bomb at a nearby house. Wheeler blows up the bomb with his fire ring and Seán asks “What’d you do that for?”
Not…y’know…”What’s with the fire powers?” or “Who are you, mysterious stranger?”
No, no. The fact that someone might not be okay with arson with attempt to commit homicide is clearly the mystery that must be resolved first and foremost. Wheeler tells him he might have hurt somebody.
Thanks Wheeler. He probably thought he was helping them with their heating bill. Seán says that he doesn’t care because it’s a Protestant place and OH MY GOD THIS ACCENT. I want to cage it and tour the countryside with it in a carnival, inviting the locals to come and gawp. Now, I’m not unfair. I don’t expect an American cartoon to be able to find someone who could do a flawless Belfast accent (although, for any aspiring voice actors out there the trick is to replace all the vowels with “o”. Bolfost.). But my Christ what the voice actor is doing sounds like the deranged mutant offspring of the Lucky Charms leprechaun, William Wallace and John Lennon. It is almost beautiful in the purity of horror that it evokes. Seán asks Wheeler what his name is and Wheeler introduces himself with a handshake.
“Will you be my friend, murderous arsonist?”
Wheeler sees that Seán has one of Skumm’s triggers and tells Seán that he’s here to “Stop the violence”. Seán says that it’s a pity he didn’t get here a year ago before the Protestants burnt down the bakery where he worked and put him out of a job.
Man, I’m so glad I live in the South. Here, relationships between Catholics and Protestants are peaceful and we don’t harbour ridiculous stereotypes about each other. I actually have several Protestant friends, despite the fact that their eyes are too close together and they shit standing up.
“Hey Mouse, can I use your bathroom?”
“Now James, you know you can’t.”
Wheeler points out that Seán doesn’t know where the bomb is and that it might go off in a Catholic area, and Seán says that might wake up the rest of the Catholics.
Well, yeah. I imagine a nuclear blast would be rather hard to sleep through. It’s also around this point that the episode breaks my goddamn heart. See, I’d read on TV Tropes that in this episode Seán uses the term “Fenian Prods” and I had an entire rant prepared on how stupid that was (if you don’t know “fenian” is a slur against Catholics and “prod” is a slur against Protestants which would make saying “Fenian Prod” the equivalent of, I dunno, “Darkie Cracker”). It was going to be epic. Seriously. This was going to be my Sistine Chapel of Snark. But having watched the episode he clearly says “FLAMING Prods”. Although actually, that might explain why they burned down Seán’s bakery.
“I wouldn’t make cakes for their gay Protestant weddings!”
Meanwhile in the West Bank, Gi meets an old Jewish man named Moishe (Kenneth Mars aka King Triton) who also has a trigger. Moishe invites Gi inside while outside, a Palestinian woman named Nahjat throws a rock at Moishe’s window before being stopped by Ma-ti. Something I learned from this episode; Palestinians spend between seventy and eighty per cent of their day throwing rocks. They fucking love that shit. Anyway, the Israeli security forces suddenly show up.
Gi pleads with Moishe to do something and he says “What? I should congratulate her on her aim?” One of the Israeli soldiers says that Nahjat’s brother is “a troublemaker too” and Gi asks Moishe “still want to see her arrested?”
Um…yes? What the fuck difference does that make? Moishe has a change of heart and asks the soldiers to let her go. Gi and Ma-ti explain the situation. Nahjat says that her family home was bulldozed by the Israelis as punishment for her brother’s militant activities and that Skumm gave her the trigger as a way to take revenge on the Israelis. Gi says they have to work together to find the bomb and Moishe and Nahjat are all “Me! Trust an Arab/Jew (delete as appropriate)?!” and Gi says “You’d rather trust a mutant rat?”
“Nice. Real nice, Gi. I’m getting really sick of this whole “rodents can’t be trusted and want to nuke everybody” subtext.”
“You nuke people all the time.”
“Only when I have no choice.”
“Like when people disagree with you over The Little Mermaid?”
“IT WAS THE START OF THE RENAISSANCE WHY DO PEOPLE NOT GET THAT?!”
Meanwhile in Soweto, Kwame and Linka meet a black South African named Marcie who tells Linka to get lost because whites recently attacked a local funeral. Before Linka can finish her “#notallwhitepeople” speech three masked white guys with guns show up and threaten them. The leader, Peter, then tries to kidnap Linka, saying “White girls shouldn’t mess with kaffirs!”. Linka wrestles with him, pulling off his mask in a scene that probably wasn’t meant to look like they’re just one second away from passionate hate boning.
My God, they’d have the blondest children.
Linka asks him what his name is and he says that it’s Peter, and weirdly, he says it with a better Northern Irish accent than Seán. Was there just a mixup at the casting agency? Anyway, now it’s time for a commercial break. Huh. Neat. I never get to take a break when I’m reviewing movies. Imma get me a sammich.
“Uh Mouse? Shouldn’t we be, y’know, looking for Walt? What with him being kidnapped and all?”
“Don’t worry . SMOWE’s looking into it for me.”
“Look, I know it’s been a long time. And I know I wasn’t exactly at my best the last time we met…”
“But I’ve changed. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been to hell and back. Literally.”
“And I need you. The blog needs you. Will you help us, Batman Africa?”
“Talk. And make it quick.”
“Walt’s been kidnapped.”
“BluCatt. Alias Don Bluth. Former animator. High level mage. Skill of Disney, mind of a Looney Tune. But he’s not working alone”
“Who else?”
“Horned King, Charlie McCarthy, Comrade Crow, the whole damn rogues gallery.”
“Oh man, not a villain team-up?”
“Yeah, I hate those”
“What’s their plan? Where are they holding him?”
“I have a mole on the inside but he’s gone quiet recently. But he did tell me this: BluCatt is not the mastermind behind this, he’s just a front.”
“So who’s the brains? Horned King?”
“No. According to my source, BluCatt’s taking his orders from the Unscrupulous Mouse.”
“Mouse’s brother? Weird…”
***
Mmm…that was some good cheese in that cheese sandwich. Alright, where were we?
In Northern Ireland, Seán has found the bomb and it’s in a Protestant neighbourhood. Meanwhile, Wheeler goes looking for him while shouting Seán’s name which attracts the attention of some local Protestant thugs and HAAA AHAHHHHHAA HAAAAA ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THESE ARE YOUR “PROTESTANTS”?
Their eyes are nowhere near close enough together! And I’ve never seen a protestant with less than seven fingers on each hand. And where, pray, are the secondary ears and the teeth marks from where they’ve been gnawed by nuns? Fucking amateur hour. They don’t even look like they shit standing up.
“C’mon Mouse I really need to go!”
“NOT AFTER LAST TIME JAMES!”
Anyway. these so-called “Protestants” advance on Wheeler looking to beat the snot out of him. Wheeler puts his hands in the air and says “Guys! It’s okay! I’m an American!”
“Nice knowing you, Wheeler.”
Wheeler runs away and collides with Seán and the leader of the “protestants” introduces himself as “Stuart Cooper” which Seán sneers is a “Protestant name if ever I heard one”.
“Allow me to introduce my friends, Johnny Consubstantiation and Billy Popepuncher.”
They grab the two but they don’t kill Wheeler which means I’m out fifty big ones, dammit. Stuart accuses Seán of burning Protestant homes and Seán yells “You Prods took our land and our jobs!”
Wow…
That’s…um…actually a halfway insightful observation.
See, there tends to be two viewpoints of the conflict in Northern Ireland in American media and they’re both wrong. First is framing the Troubles as an Irish-English conflict and completely disregarding the Unionist element. In this view, Northern Ireland is inhabited by people who want to be part of Ireland but the dastardly English won’t let them and so they have to wage a guerilla war to gain their freedom. You hear this version in a lot of Irish American circles and it’s bollocks. The vast majority of English people would be only too happy to see Ireland reunified and to wash their hands of the place as it’s a security and financial black hole, even post-conflict. What this reading overlooks is that a majority (a slim one sure, but still a majority) of people in Northern Ireland identify as British and want to remain within the United Kingdom. That’s the first view.
The second recognises the existence of Unionists but still frames the conflict as a religious/ethnic one between Irish identifying Catholics and British identifying Protestants. That’s more accurate but still misses the major point. The source of the Troubles is economic and always has been. One group had access to jobs and political power and the other was excluded from same. That’s what it was about. Religion and flags and marches and language were never the game, they were just the team colours. A way of keeping the sides straight. Hell even in the very beginning. The Protestant settlers who were massacred in 1641 weren’t killed over a dispute over the authority of the pope or the nature of the Eucharist. They were killed by Catholics who had been driven off their land. Land, money, power, opportunity. That’s what it was about. And, weirdly, one of the American depictions to actually get that right was fucking Captain Planet. So. Yeah. Kudos.
Meanwhile, in South Africa Kwame uses his earth powers to rescue Linka from Peter and his thugs. Marcie grabs one of their guns and is about to shoot them but Kwame stops her, saying: “If you shoot them, you’re as racist as they are!”
“Huh. I guess both sides in Apartheid era South Africa had legitimate grievances. Wait a minute, WHAT?!”
Marcie then says that she doesn’t need a gun and that she’s going to use the trigger to blow up Johannesburg which’ll sure show the…13% of the city’s population that’s white. Kwame then asks Peter if he’ll help them find the bomb but he refuses.
“Will you be my friend, vicious white supremacist?”
Things aren’t going so well in the West Bank (most redundant sentence ever) as Moishe and Nahjat are at each other’s throats too. Hmmm…you know what this situation needs? Some way to open up their hearts. Say, Ma-Ti! You have a heart ring! This would be a perfect time for you to use your…
“Don’t you fucking patronise me.”
Ma-Ti uses the heart ring to contact Gaia (brilliant, he has the power of a phone) and ask her what they should do. Gaia, of course, is a spirit, and deal with the problem the way spirits always do, by showing them all a vision of the future after the bombs have gone off. Now ten years in the future, Moishe and Nahjat walk through a devastated Jerusalem, and Nahjat breaks down in tears when she sees that the Dome of the Rock has been destroyed. As Nahjat laments the loss of the rock where Muhammad ascended into Heaven, Moishe sadly notes that it was also the rock where Abraham prepared to sacrifice Isaac. This leads to probably the stupidest line in the entire episode, (which puts it high in the running for stupidest worldwide) when Nahjat asks Moishe “You know of Abraham?”
Yes Nahjat. I think he has. I just have a hunch. Also? Christians have heard of this “Jesus” guy.
Meanwhile, Stewart, Wheeler and Seán look in horror at a devastated, lifeless wasteland.
“Fuck! We’re in STRABANE!”
“The Spirit! She did it all in one night! You boy! What day is this?!”
So our three pairs all realise that they have to work together and find the bombs. Skumm and Nukem aren’t happy about this so they fly in Skumm’s Skumm-O’Copter (Jesus) to South Africa. Nukem starts blasting at them from the air, yelling at Skumm “Hold it still, you Mazerunner!”
How dare you…
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!? YOU DO NOT GET TO USE THAT WORD! THAT IS A VICIOUS, HATEFUL SLUR AND ITS USE IS NEVER EVER JUSTIFIABLE!
“Hey Mouse! Shit mazerunner, you gotta get on this cheese!”
“Aw, you know we mazerunners love the cheese!”
“Guys, you literally could not have chosen a worse time.”
Ma-Ti senses that it’s time for deus ex machina teamwork and orders the Planeteers to aim their rings at the sun. The beams meet and Captain Planet is summoned into outer space.
“Can’t…breathe…you’ve killed me, you fools!”
He picks up the South African bomb as well as Skumm and the fucking racist whose name I’m not even going to type and then flies to the West Bank with them saying “Combining trips saves energy! Hahahahaha!”
My God. He’s not even punning any more. He’s just saying shit and laughing.
Oh, and then he plants Skumm and the fucking racist on top of a satellite tower. I think they’re supposed to be hanging from their clothes but honestly it looks he’s impaled them like a fucking shrike.
“Protect the environment of I’ll kill you! CAPTAIN PLANET MOTHERFUCKERS!”
Captain Planet then flings all three nuclear bombs into the sun and says “Huh. Maybe I should try out for the Olympics.”
Maybe you should SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Where’s Hitler when you need him?
The episode now gets a weird little coda where the Planeteers break the fourth wall and tells us what happened to the people they met. Seán and Stewart opened a bakery together to provide an example to their community and we’re told that Marcie and Peter still have their differences but will keep their battles to the political arena.
Oh good. Now he’s a polite white supremacist.
“Like us, right Kwame?”
“Don’t you fucking touch me.”
The subject of race definitively dealt with they then move on to deal with people from different cultures (you can be friends with them) and different religions (again, friendship is permitted) before finally expanding to anyone who’s different from you in any way.
“Like people with disabilities or…well, we can’t actually tell you what this woman is but you can probably guess her deal, right? Look, she’s not checking out these abs. Nuff said.”
***
Finally seeing this episode, what I found weirdest is that the treatment of the Troubles is probably the most on-point thing in the whole episode. I mean, there’s still head-bangers left right and centre but it does actually get some important details right. As a whole, this episode was the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. My God this was fun to review! This thing is a banquet of stupid lines, awful accents and so many other thinks to snark at. I feasted like a goddamned Hutt. Is it terrible? Yes. Do I hate it? I WANT TO WATCH THIS EVERY DAY. I MAY HAVE A PROBLEM.
On a more serious note, I think it’s fascinating to consider, almost a quarter of a century after this episode aired, how things have changed and how they have stayed the same in the three regions depicted. The situation in the West Bank has, perhaps unimaginably, gotten even worse and peace there seems even more distant now than it did in 1992. But there is still cause for hope. Just look at South Africa, where, two short years after this episode aired, the apartheid regime was finally defeated by the wisdom and courage of one of the greatest men who ever lived.
I refer, of course, to Bono.
And lastly, on my home island, where a new generation of leaders were able to overcome the hatreds and mistrusts of one of the longest ongoing conflicts in human history, and a peace to Northern Island that remains strong and stable to this very…oh Christ are you kidding me?!
Well. I guess some grudges just can’t be forgiven so easily. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend to.
“Heh, not so tough now, are ya Walt?”
“You’re a funny guy Charlie, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”
“Disney is ours. What is next stage of plan, tovarich?”
“Now’s the fun part. We kill him!”
Said so easily. But Disney is such a one that even death fears. How can we kill him?
“We attack the only part of him that’s still mortal. His self-respect. One of us has to review the worst Disney movie ever made and annihilate his ego completely. But there’s a catch. This movie is so awful that the reviewer will probably die in the process.”
“Ha! Bring it you pansies! Do your worst!”
“So who’s our lab rat?”
“Not a rat.”
“You?”
You?
“You?”
“Me. Everybody out.”
“So. You think I’m afraid of you? What are we going to watch? Mulan 2? The Hunchback of Notre Dame where he gets a girlfriend? I lost any shame decades ago, you can’t destroy my ego you pathetic little Mazerunner!”
“You know Walt. I always thought you were my friend. I looked up to you. But then I realised how blind I really was. It’s shocking isn’t it…”
“…when you realise that someone is a completely different person from who you thought.”
“….”
“MOUSE?!”
“Hi Walt.”
“IT WAS YOU THE WHOLE TIME?! YOU WERE BEHIND ALL OF THIS?! OF ALL THE DEVIOUS, TREACHEROUS…”
“What can I say? I learned from the best. And now it’s time to end this. Only one of us is leaving this room alive. So. What movie have I chosen to destroy you?”
“Let’s take a look.”
unshavedmouse 
I know I watched Captain Planet when I was a kid because I remember the credits theme, but I can’t remember any specific episodes. I guess that’s for the best.
Oooh, you leaving us in the dark for next time, Mouse? I must say, I’m quite intrigued with the developments lately. I’d start guessing what the movie is, but that would ruin the fun.
It’s fairly obvious.
Sure. Obviously, you’re going to re-review Aristocats. ;p
Huh. Wouldn’t throwing the nukes into the sun be just as bad as setting them off on Earth?
Great review, Mouse. Was laughing the whole way through.
Don’t remind me of Superman 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Uncle Lex, we’re gonna be parents!”
Throwing nukes into the sun has been a tradition since Superman 4. I guess the idea is that with all the heat and radiation which already is at the sun it wouldn’t make a difference….not sure if that is correct, though.
Actually no. It would be like throwing a firecracker into a nuclear blast. Of course you do run the risk of creating Nuclear Man like in Superman IV.
I suspect there is little difference between throwing a firecracker or a nuke into the sun. The scale is simply unimaginable for a human mind.
RIP Kenneth Mars. You were a wonderful Grandpa to Littlefoot.
Did anyone else notice how shockingly similar the planeteers look to the Magic School Bus kids? Wheeler-Arnold, Linka-Dorothy Ann, Kwame-Tim, Gi-Wanda, and Ma-Ti to no one.
Magic school bus was Gaias bootcamp. The ones that survived became Planeteers.
Wheeler/Arnold sure has changed over the years.
I’ve seen this theory floating around the interwebs – but have never quite bought it other than the visual similarities. Why would they change their names? Perhaps they got into some shady things as preteens…
BEST PLOT TWIST EVER!
Oh, it’s no Finale of Lost.
Like I said in an earlier post, I liked “Captain Planet. When I was ten years old. Since then I have realized that the show has some big flaws. I have still not seen this episode in its entirety, only a few clips from it. But yeah, I guess it comes down to that even though the people behind it meant well, the result did not turn out too great. I have to point out two things though.
1: People keep saying that Ma-Ti got stuck with a “lame” power, but… come on! I can’t be the only one, who understood that “heart” was actually the greatest of the five powers. It is way more subtle, of course, which is why people can’t see its strength. But you can see it as the glue, that keeps all the rest together. And it makes Ma-Ti able to contact people over a distance and talk to animals. And if there was no “heart”, there would be no Captain Planet.
2: You do make a good point about Captain Planet being weakened by the hatred from that Hitler figure, that a “real super hero” should have just punched his face right away. But it was a powerful moment to me. Captain Planet was of course some times weakened by pollution (which you can argue is lame enough, but yeah), but nobody else had ever made him weak through their pure hatred. So it was clear that this guy was supposed to worse than all the other villains combined, and it was a rather clever way to show it.
Don’t forget about MA-Ti’s greatest moment, defeating Malechite.
Was there a Steven Universe crossover?
It was in “Suburban Knights.”
No, you aren’t the only one. That is the irony in all this, for all the claims that heart is a lame power, the only reason why Ma-Ti can’t do more is because he is too good of a person to do more. If he wants, he actually can control the emotions of his victims and if he wanted he could first an army of animals to do his bidding. (This little fact is the reason why I always thought that Ma-Ti is the most interesting of the five).
Honestly, ALL the Planeteers were underpowered.
Na, Lenka’s power was pretty effective…because wind is everywhere. Being able to control Earth wasn’t that bad either. Gi’s was sometimes useful (though mostly in cleaning toxic waste from Captain Planet). Wheeler, for all his badmouthing of “love”, was actually the one with the most useless power because fire is normally the opposite of what you need when you intend to protect something
Oh, man, them 90s kids usually seem to forget about this little gem of a creation whenever they go on their long winded rants about how cartoons back then were so subtle, smart, and full of creativity.
I never grew up with Captain Planet and honestly I probably would’ve found the show a complete bore to watch until Captain Planet showed up with his barrels of cheese and made the whole show more interesting.
Poor Walt, guy was an artist but became so corrupted in his ego that he decided to become Mouse’s worst enemy.
Speaking of Disney, a movie trailer for another live action remake of a classic animated Disney film came out the other day.
What’s the animated film this time? Well, it’s last the animated film Walt Disney worked on before his timely death.
About the trailer? All I can say:
………………..Scarlet Johansson…….is voicing……a giant talking snake…..I’m optimistic about that.
I’m a bit nervous about Scarlet Johansson playing Kaa, because…..this is only going to increase the already vast amout of creepy Kaa hypnosis fanart. (Look at Cracked’s article on the creepiest Disney fanarts for proof….though your eyes may not forgive what you see.)
No doubt, I’m still somewhat scratching my head as to why Jon felt the need to change Kaa’s gender. Maybe he thought Scarlett’s voice would make Kaa more sinister or maybe he just likes working with Scarlett.
Or someone in marketing said “sausage fest”.
Well….Andy Serkis’ version (which comes out a year after the Disney one) has Cate Blanchett playing Kaa, so it’s not just him.
Am I the only one who finds the idea of a ScarJo voiced Kaa…never mind.
This is going to set off a furry/scaley war, isn’t it?
Scaly is a thing?
More importantly, Bill Murray is voicing Baloo and Christopher Walken is voicing King Louie because ours is a loving and benevolent god
Batman Africa is back!! WOOW!
Wow, nice plot-twist Mouse! I’ll admit I didn’t see that one coming.
Ah Captain Planet. I remember watching it when I was like… 6… and enjoying it, but I WAS 6! Now I can’t even sit through a whole episode, not even for the “So bad it’s good” quality.
Now I’m really curious what you’ve got planned for next time…
It is one that was mentioned as a possible worst many times. It won’t be a big shock I don’t think.
Oh, what could the worst Disney movie of all time be? If it’s animated, hmm…not sure. If it’s live-action, Prom, Old Dogs, and G-Force seem like good candidates.
I remember as a kid really loving Captain Planet. I can’t remember any specific episodes but my friends and I had a blast pretending to have those Power Rings. It was being a Green Lantern before I knew what a Green Lantern was. But I went back to watch a few episodes a couple days ago and my God it is so much worse then I remember! (Side note: After marathoning your blog for the last 3 weeks I’m so happy to finally be all caught up!)
Ah, archive panic. Welcome to the blog Pratik!
I loved Captain Planet. I watched it on reruns and I would get up early on schooldays to watch while the rest of the house was asleep. Of course it sucks, but as a kid it was a lot of fun.
Call me petty, but I can’t get over the fact that the Planeteers are watching whales on TV. On TV! Why aren’t they actually out on the ocean watching real whales, if they’re going to be whale watching?
Batman Africa and the unmasking of the Unscrupulous Mouse! That really was a great plot twist, tied things together nicely. Can’t wait to see what you picked (and if it’s what I hope it is, I REALLY can’t wait to read the review!)
Concerning the, err, “M word”, I’m going to guess this series is not popular in the world of rodentia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Maze_Runner
It’s our Birth of a Nation.
As a Bio major with an emphasis in cetology, I can tell you that animals of the order Cetacea (whales, dolphins and porpoises) are the animals whose intelligence nearly matches our own. However, since they can’t form human speech sounds and therefor human words, we have literally no way of knowing exactly how their intelligence compares to our own. But yeah, they are indeed, and this is a technical cetology term “super fucking smart.”
WHATATWIST!!!
(Seriously, though, even I didn’t see that coming. Like Hawkeye in Avengers 2, I tells ya!)
Unscrupulous Mouse is… Mouse?! But that means…
My God. I was Tyler Durden this whole time!
Sometimes. Sometimes I was Tyler Durden and you were Mrs Bates.
The thing with Captain Planet is that the show for all its cheesiness and over the top messages apparently did something right. After all, a lot of people (including me) admit to watching the show, and while it is nowadays mostly known as a bad show, well, it is known. It is not forgotten like the Ewoks, or Hammerman and some other really, really horrible shows.
The thing is I have no idea WHAT the show did right. Perhaps there is something to the process of calling the power which somehow speaks to children (after all, it worked for Sailor Moon, too). Perhaps it was the empowering message that you actually can change something…after all most of those public service announcements were not about “you shouldn’t do that” like it is usually the case, they were about “if you want to change this, you can do that” (usually something recycling related). Perhaps it was the fact that a group of children had all the power without some adults constantly hanging out with them, unless they wanted one.
I really don’t know. But there is something in this concept which perhaps deserves to get revisited, naturally with a lot of tweaks and better dialogue.
Well it was very, very, VERY heavily promoted in the States and lasted for an incredible 113 episodes. That alone would give it more staying power. And yes, the rings summoning Captain Planet is exactly the kind of ritual that gets incorporated into playground games (see also, “It’s morphing time!”)
Do you know how the ratings in the States were?
I don’t know how popular it was but Turner owned the Network so they didn’t really have the option of cancelling it.
Well… I loved this show when I was ten years old, even though I only could watch it in English. When you are a kid, you will often overlook that a story is cheesy and preachy. You will just go along with it, and it was cool back to see what the Planeteers were up to and watch Captain Planet save the day. So I guess that “Captain Planet” simply was lucky enough to hit the right demographic at the right time.
I can still remember all the words to the Hammerman theme song, so you’re wrong!
I never watched Captain Planet but this sounds hilarious. Also, how dare you Mouse! As a Protestant, I can tell you we only have 6 fingers on each hand! Get your facts straight!
I know you only have six fingers, Words and moving pictures. That’s why I wrote this review. To lure you out. So I could have my revenge. Hello. My name is Unshaved Mouse. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
What gets me is that this is actually a perfectly set up Princess Bride reference, and I didn’t see it for almost 30 seconds. I feel ashamed… Mouse, when are you going to review the Princess Bride?
Aw man. I am not worthy.
I just walked into that reference, didn’t I?
Offer me money.
I’m glad you had such a good time with this episode. I enjoyed the show a lot when I was a child and I still remember some of the episodes. I also love the fact that nobody ever noticed how Ma-Ti might have accidentally murdered people in one episode, and make fun of him when he has the power to kill people at a great distance.
In the episode I’m talking about, Ma-Ti used his ring to send out a message to the people of the city and willed them to turn off their power. They show a family in a home doing that, and then it zooms out to show the whole city is now blacked out. Every place that stores food, well that food is now at risk for being spoiled during the blackout. Traffic lights were shut off, possibly causing wrecks. Phone lines were down so no one could call for help if they needed it. Hospitals, and other medical places, were shut down. If someone was right in the middle of surgery or on life support, well, at least our super happy pun loving hero was able to save the day. Ten to fifteen minutes later.
Ma-Ti also had the power to read people’s thoughts if I remember correctly. He could have used that to have done such harm that it’s a good thing that he was such a goody two shoes. Imagine all the money he could have stolen by just reading people’s thoughts as they withdrew money out of ATM’s. I know I mentally ask myself what my information is and answer myself before typing it in.
So, yeah, fun show for all the lame, cheesy, I hate your puns CP!!!, puns are the worst comedy ever! But probably wouldn’t watch the show now.
Man, what a roller coaster this was. So, if you lived in Ireland and wanted to blow up another part of Ireland with a nuke, wouldn’t that just mess up all or Ireland? Or all of Europe for that matter?
all of Ireland, I mean.
Depends on the size of the nuke.
Still doesn’t seem like a decent plan in the long run. But then again, we’re talking about Captain Planet.
Hilarious review, Mouse, as always! 😀 Oh, my, that cliffhanger!!!
” Verminous explains that he’s planted the bombs in Belfast, the West Bank and South Africa and given detonators to a Catholic and a Protestant, a Jew and an Arab and a black person and a white person.”
I must admit after this paragraph I was expecting some sort of ‘Oh, Nolan, you WHORE!’ joke.
Also, proof Raphael was a better superhero than Captain Planet:
http://imgur.com/gallery/OTcSLwb
Nah, I’ve retired that joke.
Aw! I loved that joke. Well now I’ve got nothing to look forward to in the future. 😛
Bring back the whores! Bring back the whores! I’m sure this makes complete sense without context!
//I refer, of course, to Bono.//
Oh I’m so glad you made this joke, because I was wondering whether saying that having read this I now really feel like blasting Where The Streets Have No Name would be appreciated.
Oh man, I died laughing at the Protestant and Northern Irish jokes.
And, for all the wrong of Captain Planet, you have to admit, its closing theme song is awesome as all hell:
I’ve watched this show since I was a little kid too (like 6 or 7), and I don’t remember it being that bad due to the mediocore but not cringe worthy Latin American dub that took away all the puns and the fake accents. I did recognize the bad animation, though, which is why I always preferred watching Spider-Man or Power Rangers.
There were two Latin American dubs; one that kept the lame accents, where Captain Planet was voiced by Son Goku/Jim Carrey and Linka was dubbed by Bulma/Pocahontas’ Grandma Willow; and another one without the ccents, where Captain Planet was Gonzo the Great and Linka was Sailor Moon/Lisa Simpson.
Really?! Goddamn it, now I can’t stop imagining Goku as a Japanese Captain Planet.
I feel like I am now in negative cool points just by listening to that song…
Smoke some cigarettes!
Great review Mouse! I’m just confused as to why Bender is saying “It’s cheese!” “The law!!!” Is that a reference to something in Futurama?
So there’s a running joke on the blog that whenever police show up Bender says “Cheese it! The law!”. That was the closest Google translate could get in Hebrew.
Hmmm. Apparently “cheese it” is “זהירות” (look out) in Hebrew. The things one learns on the Internet…
Google Translate also messed up in a different way: Hebrew goes from right to left, so the exclamation points should be on the other side. 😉
Ahh, poor South America. Can’t ever catch a break, can that continent. Though I’m glad to see the continents are back, yay! Also, cartoon kid Mouse!! So much awww! Hmm, so by the looks of it, Captain Planet failed to achieve the legendary status Pixar holds because the A was repulsed by the 113 rather than joining it and combining their powers to form cinematic greatness. …Yeowch. I think that may have been badly put together by my standards. Hopefully nobody’s making skin origami from any of my lousy jokes. Also, does anyone remember that Australian series of picture books about the Yowies (perhaps someone like Alchemist, who’s from that area, this ring any bells, Amelia?) which had the kind of green themes as well? Those also had similar monstrous personifications of human activity and ecosystem destruction (they were called Grumpkins) and at least kid me thought those books did it well. Though maybe that was just my foolish, Aristocats-liking child mind. Also, speaking of environmentalism-themed media taking place Down Under, does anyone else remember Tim Currie’s character in Fern Gully? These Captain Planet villains remind me of him a bit as well.
All right, I’m against atomic weaponry as much as the next guy, but am I not the only one who really wants to hear someone snap Nukem’s, erm, off-colour line to Verminous at the guy in the medics system that denies them cancer treatment unless they cough up hefty loads of dough? I mean, that just sounds too perfect. In any case, whales are smarter than they get credit for, it’s hard to invent things without thumbs, remember. Also, the ol’ wedding cake dilemma. That joke might be getting a tad stale for a current events jab, but hey, not like a mouse doesn’t mind a bit of stale cake every once in a while. Ok, unhand your epidermis, it’s not meant to be contorted into poultry shapes like that.
Omigosh, I can’t believe someone else remembers Yowies! I never read the books – I wasn’t even aware there were any books – but the chocolates were my LIFE. The Yowie monsters themselves I never cared for much. They were kind of naff-looking and didn’t have much personality as characters (being essentially mascots created to sell plastic and sugar). The great thing about Yowies was that they were like Kinder eggs, with one major difference that made them basically crack to Little Me: the toys were all native animals and came with a little fact sheet about them. I still don’t know why they were discontinued.
As for cartoons, Blinky Bill was way up there in terms of Green Aesops.
Ha ha, yes, if I remember right, my parents knew a friend from Australia who brought us the series of books which my sister and I got into. I guess it has a bit more context than my knowing what Moomins are, at least.
Hey, no need to get offended about the mutant rat bit, I’m sure Gi was just suspecting Moishe wouldn’t trust the rat due to being an unclean animal. Then again, I doubt trusting a rat is the wisest thing a mouse could do. Considering the size difference, that seems like a pretty good way to end up lunch, often. The M-word was definitely uncalled for, and honestly, I wonder why tthe Duke didn’t just stop the Captain from laniimurdering him by shouting that out when he tried to come close, making him collapse from the racism. Also, loved the throwback to that Renaissance debate. Actually, now I’ve got to wonder, why didn’t the Planeteers think to save everyone by using their powers to make a bunch of giant fridges to hide everyone in to protect them from the nuclear blasts? I mean, they don’t even have to be running to work, it’s completely energy efficient!
Ahh man, that Abraham line was so painful I literally facepalmed when I read it, then suspected I probably wasn’t the only one. And lo and behold, I was right! I’m starting to sync with Facepalming Alice, should I worry? Or maybe it’s the reverse, Tulgey Wood can do that to you.