During the 2016 election there was considerable debate as to whether Donald Trump was simply a con man using nativist rhetoric to win the nomination and who would then swiftly abandon populism and ram through a hard-right platform designed to enrich the one percent, or whether he was actually the racist authoritarian that he played on TV. The answer turned out to be: “Yes.”
Things have gotten real bad, real fast and I think it’s clear that we are living in times that will have large, detailed chapters in future history books. I awoke this morning to learn that a close friend of mine is now banned from entering the United States purely because of her place of birth. The wall is being built. A white nationalist is now sitting on the National Security Council. The nation built by the poor, the tired and the huddled masses is refusing to admit refugees. The most powerful office in the world is less trusted and respected after eight days of Trump than after eight years of George W. Bush. I confess that I am deeply afraid.
As well as being afraid, I am angry, frustrated, appalled and sickened. But one thing I am not is despondent. I am not pessimistic. I am not disheartened.
Because the last week has reaffirmed what I already knew. The American people did not elect Trump. Trump was elected by a combination of fluke, a rotting and archaic electoral system, voter suppression and intervention by a hostile foreign power. The American people are the ones who voted for Hillary Clinton by a massive margin, who staged the largest demonstration in the nation’s history against Trump’s nascent kakistocracy and who are now fighting against the illegal detention of refugees at American airports.
The good outnumber the wicked and they always will.
This is a time when all people of good will must put whatever skills they have towards resisting Trump. For me, that means writing snarky reviews of movies which I will be the first to admit is not the most obviously useful skill in an anti-fascist resistance movement.
But that is why this year’s Unshaved Mouse Charity Movie Deathmatch is in aid of the American Civil Liberties Union.
So, how does the Deathmatch work?
- Make a donation of $5 or $10 to the ACLU.
- Email your receipt to firstname.lastname@example.org letting me know which movie or series gets your vote (a 5 dollar donation counts as one vote, 10 counts for two)
- Deathmatch runs all through February. Every two weeks, the lowest scoring three movies/series will be eliminated in ways not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.
- Highest scoring three movies/series at the end of the month get reviewed and get to go home to their loved ones.
Mouse, I’m wealthy, I’m charitable and I want you to review something NOW.
A $35 dollar donation gets you any movie or episode of a TV show reviewed that you like. $60 gets you two. $100 gets you four and quite possibly a statue somewhere when this all blows over.
What if I buy a review for a movie or series that’s competing in the death match?
In the case of movies, if you give a $35 donation and request a movie that loses the deathmatch, you get the review anyway. If your movie wins the deathmatch then I will contact you and ask you for your second choice and you get two movies that you wanted reviewed instead of one. Fair enough?
In the case of a TV series that wins the deathmatch, I’ll review an extra episode for every person that gave a $35 donation for that series.
Boring stuff done, so let’s MEET OUR FIGHTERS!
Neon Genesis Evangelion: Death and Rebirth
Runtime: 101 Minutes
AKA: “The Nightmare from Nippon”.
Our first challenger is a warrior from the East with a rabidly loyal fanbase and is shrouded in mystery. Some call him enigmatic. Others call him inscrutable. Still others call him “Absolutely fucking incomprehensible what am I even looking at?”
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron Age: 15 Runtime: 84 Minutes AKA: “The Mustang Mauler” An old warhorse who kicks like a mule, Spirit is of a simpler time, when men were men, horses were horses, and the name “DreamWorks” actually guaranteed a certain level of quality. ELIMINATED
The Wild Age: 11 Runtime: 82 Minutes AKA: “The Lyin’ King” The Wild thought it could run forever. It thought that I’d forgotten about it. But if this misbegotten pretender can somehow survive against the awesome array of murderous animated talent set against it, this movie will face it’s greatest foe. Me. ELIMINATED
Run: 61 Episodes
AKA: “The Last Life-Ender”
Utilising a fusion of Western and Eastern fighting styles, Avatar is one of the unquestioned favourites for this year’s deathmatch.
The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat Age: 43 Runtime: 74 AKA: “The R-Rated Ravager” Ha ha ha. Very funny guys. Ha ha ha. You sure got me. Ha ha ha. You crazy pranksters, you. Ha ha ha. My wife is going to brutally murder all of you. Ha ha ha. ELIMINATED
Darby O’Gill and the Little People Age: 58 Runtime: 93 Minutes AKA: “The Blarney Brawler” A peerless bare-knuckle fighter, this movie would probably have the deathmatch in the bag if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s promised some cockney gangsters to take a dive in return for a new caravan for his ma.ELIMINATED
Run: 66 Episodes
AKA: Who cares?
Admit it. Even watching the show you knew that sooner or later Daria was going to go on a killing spree.
Planes Age: 4 Runtime: 92 Minutes AKA: “Death From Above”. Yeah, no. No funny fighter biography for this one. You don’t deserve it. Dane Cook’s in this. Dane Cook. Assholes.ELIMINATED
The Last Unicorn
Runtime: 84 Minutes
AKA: “The Rankin’ Badass”.
Armed, dangerous, and crazier than a bag of rats on meth.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2
Run Time: 69 Minutes
AKA: “Ol’ Unkillable”
Well. Serves me right, I guess. This movie came fourth in the last deathmatch but it somehow slipped my mind to kill it. Oh well. Going to have to come up with something really nasty this time.
Wizards Age: 40 Run Time: 40 Minutes AKA: “A wiz of a wiz with a shiv” Relying more on the dark arts than brute strength, this movie aims to prove that in the game of Movie Deathmatch, there are “No Bakshis”. ELIMINATED
Belle’s Magical World
Run Time: What?!
AKA: Stop everything…
Jesus. Guys. WHAT DID I DO TO YOU TO DESERVE THIS?!?
Well. Get voting. You animals.