donnie

Deathmatch 2017: This aggression will not stand, man.

During the 2016 election there was considerable debate as to whether Donald Trump was simply a con man using nativist rhetoric to win the nomination and who would then swiftly abandon populism and ram through a hard-right platform designed to enrich the one percent, or whether he was actually the racist authoritarian that he played on TV. The answer turned out to be: “Yes.”

Things have gotten real bad, real fast and I think it’s clear that we are living in times that will have large, detailed chapters in future history books. I awoke this morning to learn that a close friend of mine is now banned from entering the United States purely because of her place of birth. The wall is being built. A white nationalist is now sitting on the National Security Council. The nation built by the poor, the tired and the huddled masses is refusing to admit refugees. The most powerful office in the world is less trusted and respected after eight days of Trump than after eight years of George W. Bush. I confess that I am deeply afraid.

As well as being afraid, I am angry, frustrated, appalled and sickened. But one thing I am not is despondent. I am not pessimistic. I am not disheartened.

not-today

Because the last week has reaffirmed what I already knew. The American people did not elect Trump. Trump was elected by a combination of fluke, a rotting and archaic electoral system, voter suppression and intervention by a hostile foreign power. The American people are the ones who voted for Hillary Clinton by a massive margin, who staged the largest demonstration in the nation’s history against Trump’s nascent kakistocracy and who are now fighting against the illegal detention of refugees at American airports.

The good outnumber the wicked and they always will.

This is a time when all people of good will must put whatever skills they have towards resisting Trump. For me, that means writing snarky reviews of movies which I will be the first to admit is not the most obviously useful skill in an anti-fascist resistance movement.

But that is why this year’s Unshaved Mouse Charity Movie Deathmatch is in aid of the American Civil Liberties Union.

So, how does the Deathmatch work?

  1. Make a donation of $5 or $10 to the ACLU.
  2. Email your receipt to unshavedmouse@gmail.com letting me know which movie or series gets your vote (a 5 dollar donation counts as one vote, 10 counts for two)
  3. Deathmatch runs all through February. Every two weeks, the lowest scoring three movies/series will be eliminated in ways not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach.
  4. Highest scoring three movies/series at the end of the month get reviewed and get to go home to their loved ones.

Mouse, I’m wealthy, I’m charitable and I want you to review something NOW.

A $35 dollar donation gets you any movie or episode of a TV show reviewed that you like. $60 gets you two. $100 gets you four and quite possibly a statue somewhere when this all blows over.

What if I buy a review for a movie or series that’s competing in the death match?

In the case of movies, if you give a $35 donation and request a movie that loses the deathmatch, you get the review anyway. If your movie wins the deathmatch then I will contact you and ask you for your second choice and you get two movies that you wanted reviewed instead of one. Fair enough?

In the case of a TV series  that wins the deathmatch, I’ll review an extra episode for every person that gave a $35 donation for that series.

Boring stuff done, so let’s MEET OUR FIGHTERS!

neon

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Death and Rebirth

Age: 20

Runtime: 101 Minutes

AKA: “The Nightmare from Nippon”.

Our first challenger is a warrior from the East with a rabidly loyal fanbase and is shrouded in mystery. Some call him enigmatic. Others call him inscrutable. Still others call him “Absolutely fucking incomprehensible what am I even looking at?”

spirit_stallion_of_the_cimarron_poster

Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

Age: 15

Runtime: 84 Minutes

AKA: “The Mustang Mauler”

An old warhorse who kicks like a mule, Spirit is of a simpler time, when men were men, horses were horses, and the name “DreamWorks” actually guaranteed a certain level of quality. ELIMINATED

wild

The Wild

Age: 11

Runtime: 82 Minutes

AKA: “The Lyin’ King”

The Wild thought it could run forever. It thought that I’d forgotten about it. But if this misbegotten pretender can somehow survive against the awesome array of murderous animated talent set against it, this movie will face it’s greatest foe. Me. ELIMINATED

airbender

Avatar

Age: 12

Run: 61 Episodes

AKA: “The Last Life-Ender”

Utilising a fusion of Western and Eastern fighting styles, Avatar is one of the unquestioned favourites for this year’s deathmatch.

fritz

The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat

Age: 43

Runtime: 74

AKA: “The R-Rated Ravager”

Ha ha ha. Very funny guys. Ha ha ha. You sure got me. Ha ha ha. You crazy pranksters, you. Ha ha ha. My wife is going to brutally murder all of you. Ha ha ha. ELIMINATED

darby_o_gill_and_the_little_people

Darby O’Gill and the Little People

Age: 58

Runtime: 93 Minutes

AKA: “The Blarney Brawler”

A peerless bare-knuckle fighter, this movie would probably have the deathmatch in the bag if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s promised some cockney gangsters to take a dive in return for a new caravan for his ma.ELIMINATED

daria

Daria

Age: 20

Run: 66 Episodes

AKA: Who cares?

Admit it. Even watching the show you knew that sooner or later Daria was going to go on a killing spree.

Disney-Planes-Video

Planes

Age: 4

Runtime: 92 Minutes

AKA: “Death From Above”.

Yeah, no. No funny fighter biography for this one. You don’t deserve it. Dane Cook’s in this. Dane Cook. Assholes.ELIMINATED

the-last-unicorn

The Last Unicorn

Age: 35

Runtime: 84 Minutes

AKA: “The Rankin’ Badass”.

Armed, dangerous, and crazier than a bag of rats on meth.

The_Hunchback_of_Notre_Dame_II

The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2

Age: 18

Run Time: 69 Minutes

AKA: “Ol’ Unkillable”

Well. Serves me right, I guess. This movie came fourth in the last deathmatch but it somehow slipped my mind to kill it. Oh well. Going to have to come up with something really nasty this time.

wizards

Wizards

Age: 40

Run Time: 40 Minutes

AKA: “A wiz of a wiz with a shiv”

Relying more on the dark arts than brute strength, this movie aims to prove that in the game of Movie Deathmatch, there are “No Bakshis”. ELIMINATED

 belles_magical_world_vhs

Belle’s Magical World

Age: No…

Run Time: What?!

AKA: Stop everything…

Jesus. Guys. WHAT DID I DO TO YOU TO DESERVE THIS?!?

Sigh.

Well. Get voting. You animals.

78 comments

      1. Wow, I thought that ongoing gag in the Iron Man 2 review was just hyperbole. Rockwell has done some pretty good work here and there; Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Seven Psychopaths I can think of off the bat.

      2. I will agree that the film adaptation of Hitchhiker’s Guide is more or less sub-par, in spite of the inspired casting of Alan Rickman as Marvin.

      3. Just donated $100 and a $10 per month continuing donation. Is that 4 or 5 reviews?

        Either way, here’s a list. Pick the ones you want to review out of it.

        Ladyhawke
        Newsies
        To Be or Not To Be (either the Ernst Lubitsch or the Mel Brooks version)
        20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (James Mason and Kirk Douglas)
        The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
        The Thief of Bagdad (Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. version)
        Donald Duck in Mathmagic Land (only 20 minutes long)

  1. We fucked up bad this time. Really bad. It’s going to take more than flowers and candy to make this up to everyone.

    Maybe Texas? Anyone want it? Mouse, you’re qualified to speak on behalf of Ireland, right? How’d you like to increase your landmass by 991%?

    In all seriousness, we’re going to get through this. The good people have always outnumbered the bad, and the bad have always been cowards. We’re going to fix this, together. But it is going to hurt like a motherfucker.

    Was planning a donation anyway, so this just gave me a good reason to do it now. Glad to have you back, Unshaven One.

  2. You would have to do this while I’m between steady jobs. I’ll see what I can dig up, might have a few bones in the back yard.

    Can we all agree to skip on the political talk? Let’s get back to what we all agree on? That is, Mouse needs to review some movies. Anyone?

    And really hoping I have some bones, really do. Planes and The Last Unicorn. Yeah….

      1. I should take you down to this dungeon some friends of mine wanted to explore. Something down there is worse than me. I survived. Ten men went down, one came back up. I sealed the cave to keep it contained, and it awaits Mouse. It awaits the time when it can force you to review the worst movies of all time. Movies so bad, the only reason they were watched at all was because we had three channels.

        Be afraid Mouse, be very afraid. Because if you wander too close, you’ll have review, Highlander 2!

    1. I will agree with Mouse here. In comparison to some of the other “bad movies” out there, Highlander 2 kind of just plays out like bad fanfiction more than anything else. Now, to suggest Freddy Got Fingered, that’s some weapons-grade mind poison right there.

      And yes, I heartily agree to minimize the political talk. After all, we certainly don’t want any more overdrawn, self-important poetry elaborating as to why we switch usernames in the comment section of a blog…

      1. “Now, to suggest Freddy Got Fingered, that’s some weapons-grade mind poison right there.”

        So I’ve heard, though I bet it’s not as bad as “The Human Centipede”. Not that I’ve watched or ever will watch either one, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the latter is the most messed up movie of all time. And if it’s not, I REALLY don’t want to know about whatever film is worse.

  3. I would vote for Avatar, but we all already know about it. Daria needs some more praise. And Hunchback 2: Hunch Harder as well as Belle’s Magical Turd deserve a hard ripping. And I know it’s not in the Deathmatch, but I might just need to buy a review for Road to El Dorado.

  4. Hell yes Wizards. Time to scrounge up some cash to make you watch it… And the live action Last Airbender!

    /evillaugh

      1. On a related note, James Cameron apparently wants to shoot four more of his own Avatar movies back to back over the next few years…

      2. Mouse, you’re just going to give us ideas. You tore into Pocahontas but good, and now that we are reminded that an uninspired live-action Smurf Elf remake exists…well.

      3. Now now B, let’s be respectable. James Cameron’s apparent magnum opus was very clearly Dances with Wolves…IN SPAAACE!

  5. Welcome back, Mouse! The current mood here in the US is somewhat “autumn 1941 in Russia”–yes we have a lot of defenders who on paper have a ton of power; yes it would indeed be awesome if they would actually do something to hinder the fascists’ advance; yes we’re all probably going to die, but if we do everything right that’ll be after we throw back the tide as opposed to before–and some cartoon reviews would not go amiss at all.

    If Jen’s not going to buy that review for Road to El Dorado, I just might! I’ve been meaning to do something to support the quiet badasses of the ACLU, ever since I saw that they had their shit together at LAX. I was there on Sunday, and while the protesters were loud and energetic, we were really ancillary to the lawyers who had quietly dug in by the food court and were waging their long legal siege against DHS.

    Alternatively, Chicken Run is a real possibility. I’ve long had a fondness for it, and we could do with more Aardman. (Yes, coordination between allied factions! Who says we learned nothing from 2016?) Or, for the comedy option, vote for Spirit and The Last Unicorn, buy a review for something MLP-related, and declare the deathmatch a horse race.

    Choices, choices…

  6. Man, I most certainly can afford to put away $10 to a cause like this, especially if it means getting to vote so Daria can potentially make the final cut. I bought the complete series super-cheap a couple years back, and it fascinates me that such a subtle, nuanced series was not only marketed to teenagers, but had a full series run with a clear-cut, satisfying conclusion. It definitely needs to see some more love nowadays.

    If I had any extra money to throw around, I would get Mouse to review Rent, which we all know is most definitely his all-time favorite musical, amirite? (Speaking of which Mouse, have you checked out Lindsay Ellis’ video essay regarding the film?)

  7. Yep, things are looking messed up in the United States. And the U. S. of A is appearing to be none too good an influence on its hat. Up here, Spawn of Mister White Paper just decided to scratch electoral reform off his to-do list (assuming, which I don’t, that it ever really was on it at all), because apparently next race is looking like it’ll be him or the Dragon’s Den guy if the current system stays, and that probably means he can just point over the border every time someone questions him and say, “if you don’t want me, you’ll be ending up like them!” Not a good time to be living on this continent. *sigh* Well, at least I have a chance of being alive when this durn wall goes the way of that one in Berlin. Though that is assuming I actually have the will to live that long.

    In any case, I’m very glad this blog introduced me to that facepalming Alice screenshot. It sure has come in handy lately with this much fail in the Oval Office.

  8. Trump was elected by a combination of fluke, a rotting and archaic electoral system, voter suppression and someone – probably Russia, but possibly not – informing us of Hillary Clinton’s corruption (not that Trump is any less corrupt, his corruption wasn’t revealed by a headline-grabbing info leak). And that’s assuming the hack even contributed to the result, which is debatable.

    In any case, another contributing factor was Clinton’s support for and Trump’s opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership and other trade deals that many Americans blame for their jobs being outsourced. Not all Trump voters were bigots, and I say that as someone who voted Sanders in the primary and Clinton in the general elections. A big part of the blame should go to Clinton herself and the Democrats for doing the corrupt things they were exposed doing by the leak and also to Clinton abandoning the Democratic base and not campaigning in important states.

    Fortunately, there’s now a movement to take back the Democratic Party back from politicians who are corrupt puppets of the rich and corporations like Shillary Clinton (the “s” at the beginning is intentional) and install new Democratic candidates who are both more in line with what the American public wants and more likely to beat the Republicans in future elections. They’re called Justice Democrats, and while supporting the ACLU is great, I highly recommend, Mouse, that you support the JD in a future movie deathmatch fundraiser (you can find their platform at https://justicedemocrats.com/platform/).

    Having said all that, how much money would it cost in THIS fundraiser to get all 10 episodes of “Over The Garden Wall” reviewed? Or would I be better off just donating for a few episodes at a time in each fundraiser, or is reviewing all of those just not something you’re going to do?

      1. Oh, okay, cool! Do you think you could at least look at the Justice Democrats platform and consider doing a fundraiser for them at some point? I think it might be the best shot at stopping Trump in the next four years.

    1. Another, more crucial reason Trump was elected was because of a corrupt FBI head that decided to break the law 10 days before the election with a Trumped up story without even having a warrant, guaranteeing we ended up with our new scum-in-chief.

      Btw, I have to correct and say that Hillary did not abandon the Democratic base. Before the above happened, she was campaigning in purple states to make the Democratic victory larger than it was expected at that point, so the platform wouldn’t be blocked by Republican majorities like Obama had been since 2010. When the letter came out, she had to scramble and focus on the key states that had been a lock up until that point. Moreover, Comey didn’t just f*** Hillary, he screwed the entire downticket, giving Trump absolute power. Add him to list of the wicked and cowardly.

      1. @Tartarus: I thought the FBI cleared Clinton and then her poll numbers went up. Am I remembering wrong?

        Clinton did abandon the base in the sense that she had stances the base hated (opposing universal health care, pushing for more war in Syria, sabre-rattling with Russia, criticizing Sanders’ focus on fighting corrupt banks, having previously supported TPP) while trying to appeal to neo-conservatives by trotting out the endorsement of Henry Kissinger and pushing for more war.

        And another factor that Clinton supporters never acknowledge was that Hillary Clinton previously lobbied for TPP 45 times and Trump criticized TPP. A lot of the American people blamed trade deals Clinton supported for the loss of their jobs and Trump capitalized on that.

        The number one person to blame for Hillary Clinton’s loss is Hillary Clinton. This is why we need Justice Democrats (https://justicedemocrats.com/).

  9. Oh, and not so corrupt. That’s the other thing I meant to mention about the candidates the Justice Democrats will be looking for. Both less corrupt and more in line with the American public’s wishes, making them more likely to beat Trump’s cronies.

  10. By the way, what if I there’s a TV series where individual episodes are so short that one season is roughly the length of an hour-and-a-half movie? Would a $35 donation get me a review of an entire season, or just an episode, or just a few episodes? Because there’s a really interesting anime that’s like that and I’d be curious to see you review it.

      1. I’m sorry, but I’m not clear on which of my previous comments you’re responding to. By “I can do that”, do you mean you can hold a fundraiser of the JD, or you can review the anime series I’m talking about? And if you can review that series, would you treat a season like a movie (meaning $35 would get me a season review) or like how you treat most series (meaning $35 would only get an episode or two).

  11. I’m thinking of making a $35 request for Genndy Tartakovsky’s “Star Wars: Clone Wars” series, but I wanted to check in advance if

    A: The runtime is an issue (Both volumes add up to a runtime of 2 hours, 9 minutes.) and
    B: If I haven’t double-booked with someone else.

    I hope you’re up for it. When you say there’s good in the prequels, this is one of the best examples of people finding it.

      1. Works for me! In any event, most of it can be summed up as, “And then the Jedi killed the battle droids and it was BITCHIN’.”

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