Bill Cipher reviews WEIRDMAGEDDON!

Previously on Unshaved Mouse: Mouse tried to review the series finale of Gravity Falls and it went about as well as you’d expect, with Mouse being possessed by the infinite evil of Bill Cipher who now threatens to turn the real world into an eternal playground for his cosmic malice and doom all humanity. Because it’s always something with this blog, isn’t it? Just saying, you never see this kind of shit on Alternate Ending.  Meanwhile, at the secret headquarters of the Legion of Animators.

Image result for meanwhile at the legion of doom

"JOSEPH SMITH ON A GRAM CRACKER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE DISNEY?!"

“JOSEPH SMITH ON A GRAM CRACKER WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, DISNEY?!”

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I SWEAR BY THE DARK POWERS IT'S NOT MY FAULT THIS TIME!"

“IT’S NOT MY FAULT! I SWEAR BY THE DARK POWERS IT’S NOT MY FAULT THIS TIME!”

"Somehow, I always knew you'd destroy the world, man."

“Somehow, I always knew you’d destroy the world, man.”

"SHUT UP HIPPY! WHY DID WE EVEN LET HIM JOIN?! HE SMELLS LIKE BEAR TURDS!"

“SHUT UP HIPPY! WHY DID WE EVEN LET HIM JOIN?! HE SMELLS LIKE BEAR TURDS!”

"It's the smell of artistic integrity, man."

“It’s the smell of artistic integrity, man.”

"Gentlemen. Calm yourselves. The situation calls for unity."

“Gentlemen. Calm yourselves. The situation calls for unity.”

"Miyazaki-san is right. We should listen to him. He is the wisest of all of us."

“Miyazaki-san is right. We should listen to him. He is the wisest of all of us.”

"Let us consider: An Nth level fictional construct has gained sentience and escaped to the real world. Even now it's power grows, and any hope of defeating it becomes slimmer by the second."

“Let us consider: An Nth level fictional construct has gained sentience and escaped to the real world. Even now it’s power grows, and any hope of defeating it becomes slimmer by the second.”

"True."

“True.”

"So I'm thinking, bail?"

“So I’m thinking: Bail?”

“Listen to this man. He’s wise, he’s Japanese, he knows the score. Let’s leave this reality and never come back.”

“Listen to this man. He’s wise, he’s Japanese, he knows the score. Let’s leave this reality and never come back.”

“Groovy, man.”

“Groovy, man.”

“No! Listen to yourselves! If we abandon this world it’s only a matter of time before Bill conquers all of reality. We have to stay! We have to fight! We’re animators! Masters of the Arcane and Dark Arts! Immortal warlocks of inestimable power!”

“No! Listen to yourselves! If we abandon this world it’s only a matter of time before Bill conquers all of reality. We have to stay! We have to fight! We’re animators! Masters of the Arcane and Dark Arts! Immortal warlocks of inestimable power!”

“I’m not.”

“I’m not.”

“Shut up Park!”

“Shut up Park!”

“Sorry.”

“Sorry.”

“We have one chance to stop Bill. Listen up...”

“We have one chance to stop Bill. Listen up…”

***

HEY MONOFORMS! HOW ARE YOU DOING?! I’M SWELL! THE MOMENT OF MY ASCENSION IS NEARLY AT HAND AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME! NO ONE! WHAT, YOU THOUGHT THOSE LOSERS IN THE INTRO CAN SAVE YOU? I LET YOU READ THAT BECAUSE I LIKE TOYING WITH YOU! I KNOW ALL! I SEE ALL! I BE ALL, YO! NOW LET’S FINISH OUR LOOK AT WEIRDMAGEDDON AND SEE HOW I ESCAPED INTO YOUR REALITY AND ALSO HOW LONG YOU CAN GO READING THIS ALL-CAPS TEXT WITHOUT GETTING A HEADACHE! OH, SORRY, IS IT DIFFICULT TO READ? HOW ABOUT IF I SPEAK IN BRIGHT BLAZING YELLOW?! YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! DON’T MAKE ME PULL OUT THE COMIC SANS! I’LL DO IT!!!

SO WHEN WE LEFT OFF, PINE TREE, WENDY AND SOOS HAD ENTERED THE PRISON DIMENSION WHERE I’D TRAPPED PINE TREE’S SISTER MABEL! THEY WERE EXPECTING SOMETHING HORRIBLE WAITING FOR THEM AND THEY WERE RIGHT! BEHOLD!

THATS RIGHT! I SENT HER TO SAN FRANCISCO!

THAT’S RIGHT! I SENT HER TO SAN FRANCISCO!

NAH, JUST KIDDING! SEE, THE TRICK TO BUILDING THE PERFECT PRISON IS TO MAKE SURE YOUR PRISONER NEVER, EVER WANTS TO LEAVE! SO THAT’S WHY MABEL’S PRISON WAS FULL OF ICE-CREAM, CUTE ANIMALS, RAINBOWS AND THESE DINGUSES!

nineties

SO THESE TWO REFUGEES FROM DENVER THE LAST DINOSAUR ARE XYLER AND CRAZ. MY PRISON WAS DESIGNED TO BE A PERFECT REFLECTION OF MABEL’S FANTASIES SO OF COURSE THESE TWO ARE HERE BECAUSE MABEL’S OBSESSED WITH THEM! HONESTLY, THE KID’S SO BOY-CRAZY I THINK SHE MAY HAVE BEEN BORN WITH AN EXTRA PITUITARY GLAND! ANYWAY, THEY TOOK PINE TREE, SOOS AND WENDY ON THE GRAND TOUR AND OFFERED THEM SOME REFRESHMENTS SERVED BY PENGUIN WAITERS! BUT PINE TREE WARNED SOOS AND WENDY NOT TO EAT OR DRINK ANYTHING BECAUSE I CREATED THIS WORLD WHICH MEANT THAT THE PUNCH WAS PROBABLY BLOOD (OH PLEASE, WHAT AM I, A HACK?) AND, GET THIS, THE GLITTER RAIN WAS “Probably ground up bones, or babies or something!”

JEEZ, THE KID MUST HAVE BEEN GETTING PARANOID! GROUND UP BABY?! REALLY? WHERE WOULD I GET THAT MUCH GROUND UP BABY THAT I WOULD NEED TO DISPOSE OF IN  A HURRY?

CRAZY TALK!

CRAZY TALK!

THE TRIO LEARNED THAT MABEL WAS AT THE TOP OF THE TALLEST TOWER IN MABEL-LAND AND THEY STORMED IN, EASILY DISPATCHING THE SENTIENT WAFFLES AND CUTE LITTLE ANIMALS GUARDING HER BECAUSE THEY’RE BIG TOUGH HEROES! THEY FOUND MABEL BUT SHOCK! HORROR! TWIST! SHE WASN’T BEING HELD PRISONER AT ALL! SHE WAS RUNNING THE WHOLE PLACE!!

PSYCHE!

PSYCHE!

MABEL EXPLAINED THAT  SHE WOKE UP IN MABEL LAND AND DISCOVERED THAT SHE HAD THE POWER TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTED AND SHE WAS PRETTY STOKED ABOUT THAT AND WHY SHOULDN’T SHE BE?! UNLIMITED POWER IS THE BEST KIND OF POWER! SHE’D EVEN REPLACED PINE TREE WITH A COOLER, EDGIER BROTHER! PRESENTING, THE YOUNG PEOPLE’S FAVOURITE, THE ONE, THE ONLY, DIPPY FRESH!

THAT LOOK ON PINE TREES FACE? THATS WHY I GET UP IN THE MORNING.

THAT LOOK ON PINE TREE’S FACE? THAT’S WHY I GET UP IN THE MORNING.

 EVEN FACED WITH THE UNDENIABLE AWESOMENESS OF DIPPY FRESH, THE GANG STILL TRIED TO CONVINCE MABEL TO LEAVE THIS PARADISE AND JOIN THEIR FUTILE WAR AGAINST AN UNSTOPPABLE DEMON IN A BURNING WASTELAND! MABEL WAS ALL “UH HUH, UH HUH, COUNTER OFFER…” AND GAVE THEM ALL EXACTLY WHAT THEY’D ALWAYS WANTED! SOOS WAS REUNITED WITH HIS ABSENT FATHER, WENDY’S FRIENDS DROVE BY IN A MONSTER TRUCK FULL OF FIREWORKS AND PINE TREE RAN OFF BEFORE HE COULD EVEN SEE WHAT MABEL CONJURED UP FOR HIM. I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU NOW WHY I TRAPPED MABEL THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I WAS GOING TO MAKE HER MY APPRENTICE! KID HAD A REAL KNACK FOR PURE EVIL THAT I WANTED TO NURTURE! ANYWAY, PINE TREE WANDERED OFF ALONE AND FOUND HIMSELF ON THE BANKS OF A RIVER ON A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY, MABEL LAND MORNING!

IF YOU WERE WONDERING WHY THE SUN IS WEARING SUNGLASSES, ITS BECAUSE HES AN ALCOHOLIC.

IF YOU WERE WONDERING WHY THE SUN IS WEARING SUNGLASSES, IT’S BECAUSE HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC.

HE WAS JOINED BY WENDY WHO TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT MABEL LAND AND THAT SHE WAS GOING HELP HIM. SHE ALSO SAID THAT HE WAS SMART AND CUTE AND IF HE WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT OLDER THAN HER HE’D BE HER DREAM GUY! THEN SHE CAME UP WITH A FANTASTIC IDEA! JUST ASK MABEL TO MAKE PINE TREE INTO A REAL BOY SO THEY COULD BE TOGETHER! I MEAN, WHAT’S THE DOWNSIDE?! EVERYBODY WINS! BUT THEN PINE TREE JUST STARTED FREAKING OUT ABOUT HOW THIS WASN’T “REAL” AND…WELL, SOME GIRLS JUST DON’T HANDLE REJECTION WELL.

wendy-turns-into-bugs-gravity-falls

“Good day, sir!”

PINE TREE WAS TERRIFIED OUT OF HIS LITTLE GOURD AND STARTED YELLING THAT HE HAD TO GET BACK TO THE REAL WORLD. I MEAN, THE FICTIONAL CARTOON REALITY HE THINKS IS REAL. NOT THIS WORLD. WHICH IS DEFINITELY REAL. AND NOT A COMPUTER SIMULATION. WINK WINK. ANYWAY, THIS BROKE THE ONLY LAW OF MABEL LAND, MENTIONING REALITY, AND SO PINE TREE WAS CAPTURED BY THE WAFFLE GUARDS WHO TOLD HIM THEY WERE GOING TO THROW HIM OUT UNDER ARTICLE SMILEY FACE OF EXHIBIT SQUEAKY DUCK (YEAH, IT’S A BADLY DRAFTED LAW. IT WAS RUSHED THROUGH THE CUDDLE COMMITTEE). PINE TREE BEGGED MABEL TO DO SOMETHING SO SHE CONVENED A TRIAL TO SETTLE THE ISSUE OF FANTASY VERSUS REALITY ONCE AND FOR ALL. THE COURT WAS PRESIDED OVER BY HIS HONOUR JUDGE KITTY KITTY MEOW FACE-SCHWARTSTEIN.

HE'S TOUGH BUT FUR. LAUGH. LAUGH OR I DESTROY YOU.

HE’S TOUGH BUT FUR.
LAUGH. LAUGH OR I DESTROY YOU.

 THE TRIAL BEGAN AND MABEL’S LEGAL TEAM SET OUT AN IRON CLAD CASE FOR WHY REALITY IS INFERIOR TO FANTASY!

bogus

I’M I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS IT’S WEIRD A THAT A CHILD BORN WELL AFTER THE TURN OF THE MILLENNIUM IS OBSESSED WITH LATE EIGHTIES/EARLY NIGHTIES TROPES AND SLANG?

MABEL’S LEGAL TEAM SHOWED THE COURT ALL KINDS OF HORRIBLE MEMORIES, LIKE THE TIME SOMEONE STUCK CHEWING GUM IN MABELS’ HAIR ON PICTURE DAY, OR THE TIME PINE TREE DIDN’T GET A SINGLE VALENTINE’S DAY CARD! BUT PINE TREE TOLD MABEL THAT EVEN THOUGH THE REAL WORLD SUCKS, THEY COULD GET THROUGH IT BY HELPING EACH OTHER LIKE THEY ALWAYS HAD BEFORE. HE REMINDED HER HOW HE SHAVED HIS HEAD IN SOLIDARITY WITH HER ON PICTURE DAY, AND HOW SHE MADE HIM A VALENTINE’S DAY CARD OUT OF ALL HER CARDS! AND MABEL BOUGHT IT! THAT’S CRAZY! IN MABEL-LAND, IF YOU DON’T GET VALENTINE’S DAY CARDS, YOU SNAP YOUR FINGERS AND YOU CAN HAVE EVERY VALENTINTE’S DAY CARD EVER WRITTEN! WHAT CRAZY MESSED UP REASONING IS THIS?!

THE TWINS HUGGED AND I JUST DECIDED “SCREW IT” AND TURNED THE ENTIRE WORLD TO WORMS.

YOU TRY TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR PEOPLE I TELL YA WHAT.

YOU TRY TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR PEOPLE I TELL YA WHAT.

PINE TREE, MABEL, SOOS AND WENDY RODE MABELS’ PET PIG WADDLES OUT OF MABEL-LAND AND THEY JUST BARELY ESCAPED! THEY MADE THEIR WAY BACK TO THE MYSTERY SHACK AND FOUND OL’ STAN PINES HAD SET UP SHOP AS RULER OF A RAG TAG GROUP OF FREAKS, MUTANTS AND OTHER FINE UPSTANDING CITIZENS OF GRAVITY FALLS!

WHAT THE...TVY7 AND CC WITH MY SWORN ENEMIES?! TRAITORS!!

WHAT THE…TVY7 AND CC WITH MY SWORN ENEMIES?! TRAITORS!!

STAN EXPLAINED THAT BECAUSE OF A SPELL THAT FORD HAD PUT ON THE MYSTERY SHACK A FEW EPISODES PREVIOUSLY, IT WAS NOW THE ONLY PLACE IN GRAVITY FALLS IMMUNE TO MY POWER!

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THESE FOOLS, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE REALLY ASKING! WHAT ABOUT ME?! I’D DISCOVERED THAT THERE WAS SOME KIND OF FORCE FIELD SURROUNDING GRAVITY FALLS PREVENTING ME FROM SPREADING WEIRDMAGGEDON ANY FURTHER! THIS WAS A PROBLEM, ‘COS I WASN’T EXACTLY READY TO DOWNSCALE MY PLANS OF CONQUEST FROM “ALL OF REALITY” TO “ONE HICK TOWN IN RURAL OREGON”. SO I HAD FORD UNFROZEN BECAUSE, WHILE HE’S A MAJOR CHUMP, HE DOES KNOW A LOT ABOUT FORCE-FIELDS.

penthouse

FORD COULD HAVE PLAYED DUMB, BUT TRUST ME, THIS GUY CAN’T HELP SHOWING OFF HOW MUCH HE KNOWS! HE’S JUST STARVED FOR ATTENTION!  SO HE TOLD ME THAT THE FORCE-FIELD WAS DUE TO GRAVITY FALLS’ “WEIRDNESS MAGNETISM” AND THEN TOLD ME THAT HE’D NEVER TELL ME HOW TO UNDO IT! NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TORTURED HIM!

bill-cipher

MEANWHILE, THOSE LOSERS IN THE MYSTERY SHACK HAD COME UP WITH A PLAN TO FREE FORD! GET THIS, THEY DECIDED THAT SINCE THE MYSTERY SHACK WAS THE ONLY PLACE IN GRAVITY FALLS IMMUNE TO MY MAGIC, THEY COULD JUST TURN THE WHOLE HOUSE INTO A GIANT ROBOT TO BATTLE ME! SEE! THIS IS WHY WEIRDMAGGEDON IS A GREAT THING! IT ENCOURAGES CREATIVITY! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT IF I HADN’T INVADED THEIR DIMENSION THEY WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TO TURN THEIR HOME INTO A GIANT GUNDAM WITH A T-REX FOR AN ARM? I DON’T THINK SO! THEY ALL WORKED TOGETHER TO BUILD IT, EXCEPT STAN WHO WAS STILL PISSED OFF AT HIS BROTHER FOR NOT THANKING HIM FOR BRINGING HIM BACK TO GRAVITY FALLS! HOW PETTY CAN YOU GET? ALSO, WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO TURN YOUR HOME INTO A GIANT ROBOT? DID I MENTION IT HAD A T-REX FOR AN ARM BECAUSE IT HAD A T-REX FOR AN ARM!!!

behold

SO. MY ENEMIES ROLL UP WITH A GIANT ROBOT. WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DO YOU THINK I DID!?

MAGIC WAND, MAKE MY MONSTER GROW!

MAGIC WAND, MAKE MY MONSTER GROW!

YOU GOTTA RESPECT THE CLASSICS! I TURNED ALL MY HENCH MANIACS GIANT BUT CREDIT WHERE CREDIT’S DUE, PINE TREE AND HIS LITTLE FRIENDS CURB STOMPED THEM BUT GOOD! I FIGURED THAT EVEN IF FORD WOULDN’T TALK UNDER TORTURE, THERE WAS NO WAY HE’D LET THE KIDS BE HURT SO I DECIDED TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS MYSELF! I TURNED GIANT AND FOUGHT THEM AND THEY ACTUALLY MANAGED TO TEAR ABOUT MY EYE WITH THE T-REX ARM! PRETTY IMPRESSIVE! WHILE I WAS BLINDED, DIPPER, SOOS, MABEL, STAN AND A FEW OTHERS PARACHUTED INTO MY FEARAMID WHERE I’D BEEN KEEPING FORD AND ALL THE OTHER RESIDENTS OF GRAVITY FALLS FROZEN IN A MASSIVE CHAIR OF HUMAN AGONY (I NEED IT FOR LUMBAR SUPPORT). THEY ALSO FOUND GIDEON, WHO TOLD THEM HOW TO FREE THE TOWNSPEOPLE AND ALL BECAUSE I MADE HIM DANCE FOR ALL ETERNITY AS PUNISHMENT FOR BETRAYING ME! WHAT A NARK!

gideon

THEY RESCUED FORD AND HE STARTED WORKING ON THE ONE SPELL THAT COULD BANISH ME FROM THIS REALM! BUT, WHAT A TWIST! IN ORDER FOR THE SPELL TO WORK, STAN AND FORD HAD TO HOLD HANDS! ooooooooooooooooooo!

STAN TOLD FORD THAT HE WOULDN’T TAKE HIS HAND UNTIL FORD THANKED STAN FOR THE THIRTY FRICKIN’ YEARS OF HIS LIFE HE SPENT TRYING TO BRING HIM BACK AND FORD GRUDGINGLY DEAD AND FOR LIKE, TWO SECONDS, IT LOOKED LIKE THE SPELL WAS GOING TO WORK! BUT THEN FORD CORRECTED STAN’S GRAMMER AND STAN STARTED WHALING ON HIM LIKE A RENTED MULE SO NEVER MIND! THEN I SHOWED UP TO FIND THEM FIGHTING INSTEAD OF CASTING THE SPELL THAT WAS THEIR LAST CHANCE OF SAVING THE WORLD!

"OH, THIS IS JUST SAD."

“OH, THIS IS JUST SAD.”

I TURNED EVERYONE NOT NAMED “PINES” INTO A TAPESTRY TO HANG ON MY WALLS AND THEN LAID IT OUR FOR FORD REAL SIMPLE, LIKE. EITHER HE TOLD ME WHAT I NEEDED TO KNOW TO BRING WEIRMAGGEDON ON TOUR OR I MADE THE PINE TWIN INTO TOOTHPICKS! BUT THEN MABEL SPRAYED PAINT IN MY EYE (LOW BLOW) AND THE TWO LITTLE DELINQUENTS RAN OFF! KIDS THESE DAYS! I STUCK STAND AND FORD IN A CAGE AND RAN OFF AFTER THEM AND, FULL CONFESSION, I WAS ACTUALLY A LITTLE PISSED!

THIS IS MY "SLIGHTLY PEEVED" FACE.

THIS IS MY “SLIGHTLY PEEVED” FACE.

I CAUGHT THE KIDS WITHOUT TOO MUCH TROUBLE AND BROUGHT THEM BACK TO FORD AND MADE HIM CHOOSE! THE UNIVERSE OR THE KIDS! “FORD” TOLD ME THAT HE SURRENDERED AND AGREED TO LET ME INTO HIS MIND! RIGHT. BECAUSE I’M AN OMNIPOTENT DEMON WHO CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TWO TWINS WHEN THEY SWAP CLOTHING. SEE, WHILE I GAVE STAND AND FORD SOME ALONE TIME, THEY’D COME UP WITH THE BRILLIANT IDEA OF IMPERSONATING EACH OTHER AND GETTING ME TO GO INTO STAN’S MIND INSTEAD OF FORD’S. THEN FORD WOULD USE HIS MEMORY ERASER GUN (INTRODUCED IN A PREVIOUS EPISODE, )LONG STORY, NOT ONE OF THE SERIES’ BEST, KINDA LAGGY) TO ERASE STAN’S MIND COMPLETELY AND ME WITH IT! AND I WENT ALONG WITH IT! WHY? I ALREADY TOLD YOU WHY! I’D DEDUCED MY OWN FICTIONAL NATURE AND REALISED THAT MY DYING WAS THE ONLY WAY TO PASS INTO THIS REALITY AND MEET ALL YOU NICE FOLKS!

"HI FOLKS! I SEE YOU!"

“HI FOLKS! I SEE YOU!”

SO I ENTERED STAN’S MIND.

ECHO...ECHO...ECHO...ECHO...

ECHO…ECHO…ECHO…ECHO…

OH MAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE PERFORMANCE I GAVE WHEN STAN APPEARED  AND SPILT THE WHOLE PLAN! I WAS SO CONVINCING! YOU’D REALLY BELIEVE THAT I HADN’T PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING OVER TRILLIONS OF YEARS! I’D ANTICIPATED EVERY MOVE! WELL, ALL EXCEPT STAN PUNCHING ME, I GENUINELY DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!

THAT WAS ACTUALLY QUITE PAINFUL.

THAT WAS ACTUALLY QUITE PAINFUL.

SO THAT’S MY STORY! THAT’S HOW I ASCENDED TO THIS REALITY AND NOW LET MY REIGN OF DARKNESS AND MADNESS BEGIN! FALL BEFORE ME! KNEEL! THE REIGN OF BILL CIPHER HAS BEGUN AND ALL CREATION WILL BOW TO MY EVERY…

“Hold it Cipher!”

“Hold it Cipher!”

“HEY DON! NICE TO SEE YOU! WHAT CAN I DO FOR THE DIET PEPSI OF ANIMATORS?”

“HEY DON! NICE TO SEE YOU! WHAT CAN I DO FOR THE DIET PEPSI OF ANIMATORS?”

bluth-rays

“You can die!”

“OH. NO. THE PAIN. THE PAIN OF IT ALL.”

“OH. NO. THE PAIN. THE PAIN OF IT ALL.”

"Dont let up, man! Hes weakening!"

“Don’t let up, man! He’s weakening!”

“死ぬ、悪魔!”

“死ぬ、悪魔!”

“I’ll…just stand over here, shall I?”

“I’ll…just stand over here, shall I?”

“Disney, whatever you’re going to do, do it now!”

“Disney, whatever you’re going to do, do it now!”

“OH BOY, I CAN’T WAIT! C’MON GRANDPA, WHAT’S THE PLAN! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ME?!””

“OH BOY, I CAN’T WAIT! C’MON GRANDPA, WHAT’S THE PLAN! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ME?!””

“Like this:”

“Like this:”

“Join us.”

“Join us.”

“WHAT?”

“WHAT?”

“What!?”

“What!?”

“What?!”

“What?!”

“何?”

“何?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Bill, you’re an amazing creation. But you don’t understand this world. You don’t get power by conquering it.”

“Bill, you’re an amazing creation. But you don’t understand this world. You don’t get power by conquering it.”

“NUH UH, YOU TOTALLY DO!”

“NUH UH, YOU TOTALLY DO!”

“Wrong. This is reality. This is where all fiction stems from. From writers, and artists, and film-makers and school kids doodling on their notebooks. This is where your world came from, and every other world like it. And every artist is unique. And every world they create is unique. And if you succeed in making everyone in this world like you? If you make everyone the same? That all ends. You won’t control it. It’ll just be gone. And you’re a lot of things Bill, but you’re not a nihilist. You want to make everything more interesting, not less.”

“Wrong. This is reality. This is where all fiction stems from. From writers, and artists, and film-makers and school kids doodling on their notebooks. This is where your world came from, and every other world like it. And every artist is unique. And every world they create is unique. “

And if you succeed in making everyone in this world like you? If you make everyone the same? That all ends. You won’t control it. It’ll just be gone. And you’re a lot of things Bill, but you’re not a nihilist. You want to make everything more interesting, not less.”

“And if you succeed in making everyone in this world like you? If you make everyone the same? That all ends. You won’t control it. It’ll just be gone. And you’re a lot of things Bill, but you’re not a nihilist. You want to make everything more interesting, not less.”

“So join us. Take your rightful place as one of the great animators. You’ve earned it…Alex”

“So join us. Take your rightful place as one of the great animators. You’ve earned it…Alex”

“WHAT…WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!”

“WHAT…WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!”

“You’ve forgotten who you really are.”

“You’ve forgotten who you really are.”

"NO...NOOOOOOOOOOO!

“NO…NOOOOOOOOOOO!

“IT CAN’T BE! IT CAN’T BE! I CAN’T BE ALEX HIRSCH! I HATE ALEX HIRSCH I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!!”

“IT CAN’T BE! IT CAN’T BE! I CAN’T BE ALEX HIRSCH! I HATE ALEX HIRSCH I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!!”

“No. That’s just Mouse’s insecurity bleeding into your psyche. He can’t stand the fact that Hirsch is two years younger than him and is already more talented and accomplished than he will literally ever be even if he lives to be a hundred.”

“No. That’s just Mouse’s insecurity bleeding into your psyche. He can’t stand the fact that Hirsch is two years younger than him and is already more talented and accomplished than he will literally ever be even if he lives to be a hundred.”

“YIKES. THIS GUY’S GOT PROBLEMS.”

“YIKES. THIS GUY’S GOT PROBLEMS.”

“Well, he’s had a hard life.”

“Well, he’s had a hard life.”

“You changed him into a rodent.”

“You changed him into a rodent.”

“Yup. Hard, hard life. What do you say Alex?”

“Yup. Hard, hard life. What do you say Alex?”

“I…YES. I’LL JOIN YOU.”

“I…YES. I’LL JOIN YOU.”

“Thank you. I feel a lot better now.”

“Thank you. I feel a lot better now.”

“My God, he’s so young! And handsome!”

“My God, he’s so young! And handsome!”

“Mouse, you alright?”

“Mouse, you alright?”

“Flarglebegargle…”

“Flarglebegargle…”

“He’s fine. Let’s go.”

“He’s fine. Let’s go.”

Shimina…

Pleddup…

Okay. Okay. I can do this.

With Bill dead, Stan watches as his own mind is erased from existence. Clinging to his last memory of Dipper and Mabel, he murmurs to himself, “I guess I was good for something after all” and vanishes.

Back in the real world, Bill’s portal sucks all of Bill’s henchmaniacs and general weirdness back into itself and Gravity Falls is returned to normal. Well. As normal as a town infested with gnomes, multi-bears and hyper-masculine minotaurs gets, anyway. But their victory has come at a terrible cost. Stan doesn’t remember them, or even his own name. The kids are heartbroken, and Ford tells them that Stan saved the world, and he doesn’t even know it. And finally, he embraces his brother and calls him a hero.

Later, as they survey the wrecked Mystery Shack Mabel finds her scrapbook and desperately tries to jog Stan’s memories, but to no avail. That is, until Mabels’ pet pig Waddles jumps in his lap and he cusses him about by name. Realising that Stan’s still in there, Mabel keeps reading from the scrapbook, and slowly but surely, Stan’s memories begin to recover. Sure, it’s a little neat and tidy, but c’mon, it’s a Disney show. It’s not going to end on a downer.

The series ends with the Pines Twins finally celebrating their thirteenth birthday. Ford and Stan announce that they’re going to embark on an adventure around the world like they always planned as kids. Soos is left in charge of the mystery shack and the Dipper and Mabel board the bus to take them home, their long summer holiday finally over.

***

So. Despite almost losing my soul and sanity to this cartoon, I’d still give it an enthusiastic recommendation (though it definitely lost some points because of that). It’s a very rare TV show, one where each episode works on its own, but together form a thoroughly satisfying whole. Dipper and Mabel taking that bus home through the Oregon forests after the best summer ever ranks as one of my all time favourite endings to a TV show, right up there with Picard finally joining the poker game.

If you still haven’t visited Gravity Falls? Take a trip. Find it. It’s out there somewhere in the woods. Waiting.

yfb tlow

Scoring

Animation: 13/20

Lovely character designs, really nice use of colour, one of the better animated TV series of the last ten years.

Leads: 17/20

The relationship between Mabel and Dipper is the beating, sparkly, unicorn-obsessed heart of the series.

Villain: 20/20

DO NOT SUMMON AT ALL COSTS.

Supporting characters: 19/20

For another cartoon series with a bench of supporting characters this deep, quirky and hilarious you’re honestly talking Simpsons or Futurama.

Music: 13/20

A seriously catchy theme tune and some nice incidental music.

FINAL SCORE: 82%

NEXT UPDATE: 09 March 2017

NEXT TIME: Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga…

guardians

Don’t forget, the Unshaved Mouse Charity movie Deathmatch is running until the end of February! Donate to a worthy cause and help your favourite movie or TV series win! More details HERE!

21 comments

  1. Didn’t see the twist coming. Awesome.

    Love Gravity Falls. While a part of me is disappointed that it only lasted two seasons, I’m also glad it never became watered down. I honestly can’t think of a bad episode.

  2. Alllllright. I see I’ve seriously got to binge this show at some point or another. Also, welcome back, Mouse. You’ve seriously got to do something about all these villains crunching their way through reality to usurp your place.

      1. Real-ish talk: the Cipher review was fun for a one-off, but I can see how the all-caps can get grating soon. Also, the setup for it wasn’t quite as organic.

        On the other hand, the Horned King review was easily one of the best things in the history of things. I think the greater variation in tone has a lot to do with it.

        So, onward!

  3. I still cannot believe how lucky we are to live in a world where a show as incredible as Gravity Falls exists. Truly we are blessed.

    Just want to make sure I have this right, the hippy animator is Ralph Bakshi, correct?

  4. Bill really is one of the all time greats. Perfect combination of entertaining in his antics and terrifying in his callousness for human life.

  5. Gosh, this was such a good show: playful, funny, interesting and clever from start to finish, and even better when you’ve got a sib or goofy friend to watch it with. I can’t wait to see what Hirsch does next.

      1. And so, like the sunshine and atmospheric conditions unique to each summer, we shall see what weird wine results from the grapes of young Alex’s induction into the unholy alliance of Mad Pen Gods.

        Aside: Y’know, Mouse, you and I aren’t doing much here to dispel our national stereotypes of being utter pissheads.

  6. I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can’t bring myself to read through a lenghty article WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS PARAGRAPH AFTER PARAGRAPH, and from the perspective of an insane villain too, which pretty much denies any pretense of objective reviewing until the very end where sanity is restored, but by then it’s pretty much too little too late. It’s too much like being yelled at online constantly, and frankly it’s sort of an unpleasant experience for me.

    It’s a cute enough experiment, I guess, and I can understand why it was done, and the extra work is certainly appreciated, but it’s really something I’m not looking forward to seeing ever again.

  7. I actually really liked this review, it was funny and well written, and trust me in that I’ve read enough bad Bill fanfics to know that it’s really hard to accurately pull him off.
    I wasn’t bugged by the all caps, but I gues I can see why some people would be. I get that it’s kind of hard to show the weird voice thing via text, and it would’ve been even worse if you’d gone the route of my comments and went full Zalgo. You really had no other option. Bold italic? You’ve done that before.
    I would have liked to see something between the statue dropoff and your possession, like maybe getting someone to draw a cartoon Mouse crawling on the hand, or some idea of “why would you do something that risky after all you’ve been through, you silly little rodent?” But then again, I don’t think it was needed. It might have messed with the pacing, and as I said I like what’s here quite a bit. I could barely contain myself when part 1 went up.
    Kudos to you for another great job. One last thing: You think if I donate my brain to science they’ll pay extra for it once having contained Alex Hirsch? Presumably the assimilition only went as far as your readerbase because he surrendered before going whole hog, so I don’t have to worry about the market being flooded with these offers.

      1. Mine wasn’t in the best of condition in the first place, so I thought I’d check. No big loss I guess.

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