Alright, alright, jeez…

Firstly, a big howdy-doody to new patron Brooks Chupp, legendary silent movie film star and rumoured paramour of First Lady Grace Coollidge.

Now you may have heard that the Frozen 2 and Aladdin trailers have dropped so let’s see if we can guess the plot and save ourselves the price of a pair of cinema tickets.

  • Okay, Elsa has gone mad with power and declared war on the ocean King Cnut style.
  • Meanwhile Anna discovers that the ocean’s allies, the nefarious blue diamonds, have launched a sneak attack on the castle in Elsa’s absence.
  • But all is not lost, Christof, who, despite his love for Anna has married the queen of the reindeer to cement a dynastic alliance, rides with the reindeer army to liberate Arrendale from the icy pointy clutches of the blue diamonds and send them back to Homeworld. But at what cost?
  • Lots of leaves. Loooots of leaves. I think Disney are betting that leaves are the new snow. Getting a very autumnal vibe from this. Or as you Americans call it, “fallish”.
  • Anna just straight up cutting a bitch.

Okay, I mostly dig this. I was afraid that this was following in the footsteps of Frozen Fever and Olaf’s Frozen Adventure and this definitely seems to have more somber, high stakes tone. Love the colour pallette too, and hearing Idina Menzel (I think?) try her hand at the Sami chanting from the first movie was a real kick. So, yeah, cautiously optimistic.

Let’s see how quickly we can kill that.

Oh boy. So can we first get this out of the way: They have “Arabian Nights” playing in the background, Jafar and Aladdin standing in front of the Cave of Wonders and then Jafar dropping the name “Aladdin” like it’s supposed to be a massive reveal. Like, who the hell else is it going to be? Ariel?

As to what happens in the plot, my guess is: THE EXACT SAME THING THAT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST ALADDIN ONLY WITH A FEW EXTRANEOUS SUB PLOTS AND MAYBE RAJAH WILL BE GAY NOW #DIVERSITY.

Look Disney, if you’re going to KEEP FUCKING DOING THIS at least remake the ones that would actually benefit from a remake. Atlantis. Black Cauldron. Treasure Planet. You know, the ones that had good concepts that just needed better execution.

Also:

Image result for will smith genie

I dreamed this thing many years ago when stricken by a terrible fever and now it’s real and out in the world and I think this is the the end for all of us. I think we are doomed. Good bye.

 

31 comments

  1. Awesome! But I have one question for you. There are some people who think that they’re going to make Elsa a lesbian in this film (I personally don’t buy it or want it) What do you think of this?

  2. Well, we’ve seen in Moana that the ocean is alive, so maybe fighting it isn’t as unrealistic as it seems. Although if it’s allied with Gemkind, it might be under the command of Lapis Lazuli.

    Kristoff marrying a reindeer isn’t entirely out of left field for him. He does think they’re better than people, after all.

    Now I’m just trying to think of Disney characters whose name would be a better reveal than Aladdin’s. “Your life begins now…Pooh-Bear“.

    Agree about remaking the lesser films. The Disney remakes have mostly ranged from “meh” to “feh” (though I thought Jungle Book was okay), but it really doesn’t matter; they could be amazing and still not displace the ones that entire generations have grown up with.

    Surprised they haven’t tried Robin Hood or Sword in the Stone yet. Not that those are bad movies, it’s just that Hollywood in general has this bizarre obsession with trying to make epic action movies based on King Arthur and Robin Hood. Seems we get one every couple of years and they always do terribly, but they always try again. Disney might be the one studio that could actually pull it off.

  3. Im cautiously optimistic for Frozen 2 (I unashamedly loved Frozen 1 back in the day) and if nothing else the trailers X-Men of Middle Earth vibe has me hooked.

    I’m honestly expecting Aladdin to be nothing special but the shear lunacy of a Disney musical directed by Guy Ritchie of all people is probably enough to make me buy a ticket. (I’m actually a big fan of Ritchie’s style, and I think Man from Uncle and Sherlock Holmes were fantastic forays out of his usual genre, but Disney musical is gonna be a real stretch, even if it is about a street thief)

  4. More excited about Aladdin than Frozen II. It’ll only makes sense once you’ve seen the Aladdin stage musical, with the excellent James Monroe Iglehart making me believe that the Genie doesn’t HAVE to be Robin Williams. Also Aladdin actually has backstory.

  5. I have the same hope toward Frozen II as i have to MOST sequels to movies i love; will probably be good, but not as good as the first one

    As for Aladdin remake, not a fan already. Gonna be an uphill battle. In the snow, both ways and such.

  6. The first Frozen movie is a lot darker then people remember it (what with Elsa dealing with the trauma of almost accidently killing her sister when she was little), so I’m glad to see that tone in Frozen II, rather then the tone of the Frozen specials

  7. I never really into Frozen, so I’m mostly indifferent to the teaser.

    As for the Aladdin remake, let me put it this way. Back in 1992 we got to see a dune of sand come to life into a living, breathing, terrifying tiger head. Flash forward 20+ years and millions of dollars later and what do we get? A CGI lion’s head stuck to a CGI rock wall.

    The use of special effects are a little baffling. The only thing to look forward to is how the actors do and how the songs are sung. And if it’s anything like the Beauty and the Beast remake, then I’m not optimistic.

  8. I really enjoyed the first Frozen, but I was always leery of the idea of a sequel, even before Frozen Fever and Olaf’s Frozen Adventure was foisted upon us. However, it actually looks pretty interesting.
    And with everyone just sort of recoiling from Will Smith Genie, I just have to ask: were we really expecting anything different? I think we all knew that nothing good was going to come from this casting decision.

  9. Frozen 2: that ocean. So frothy. So weighty. So beautiful.

    Aladdin: Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.

    You were right, Mouse. And so was Finbarr. These remakes are gross. In fact:

    Roses are red
    Flat-Earth is bunk
    Live-action remakes are ugly
    But you can circumvent your critical faculties by watching them drunk.

  10. Frozen 2 has me very nervous. I loved Frozen. One of my favorite things was that it ended without putting Elsa in a romantic relationship. I think we need more media like that. I’m afraid to see what they do with that in a sequel.

    1. I gotta admit, I’m worried. I’m pretty sure I saw a split second shot of a boy type person with autumnal powers.

  11. I’m intrigued by the Frozen 2 trailer. The animation is gorgeous (natch!) and Elsa wearing leggings is a welcomed change to the ubiquitous ice gown, but the autumn-ness is odd.

    I’m honestly not bothered by Will Smith’s genie. I’ve had enough time to rage that he can’t fill the shoes of the late Robin Williams so blue CGI can’t faze me. No, what really grinds me gears is Jafar’s voice. It’s supposed to be deep and drawling, not high and reedy. You’ve just lost about 3/4 of your intimidation factor in the voice change alone.

  12. You know it occurred to me while reading this that it might be interesting to see THE ARISTOCATS receive a Live Action treatment, 101 DALMATIANS style – it strikes me that focussing on Edgar and strongly suggesting that those cats singing & speaking (and playing musical freaking instruments) is the by-product of a brain eaten up with raw panic, decent shame grappling with his own greedy impulse to get rid of the competition and sheer stiff-upper-lip repression might allow for a pretty darned good screwball comedy with a villain protagonist.

    I’m not saying Duchess HAS to be voiced by Eva Green, but she’s a working actress she MIGHT be interested …

  13. “Look Disney, if you’re going to KEEP FUCKING DOING THIS at least remake the ones that would actually benefit from a remake. Atlantis. Black Cauldron. Treasure Planet. You know, the ones that had good concepts that just needed better execution.”

    Committe of Writers: “Now listen, I think we have a solid ideas for these actually good concepts that were just–”

    Committee of Executives: “But those movies didn’t make money for us.”

    Writers: “Well, not then, but that was because of a failed execution, now we think we could–”

    Executives: “But they didn’t make money for us.”

    Writers: “We have a nice approach on these concepts that would make them actual box office hits this time around while also supplying decent stories that–”

    Executives: “Nice. Then use those nice approaches on the things that did make money so they make even more money now.”

    Writers: “But–”

    Executives: “Money money money money money money. Money! MoNEy MoNEy MoNey mONEY MONNEYYYYY! MONEY…!”

    Writers: “Okay, fine, we’ll go back to write your fucking Snow White remake now! Happy?!”

    Executives: “If it makes money!”

  14. Frozen 2 definitely seems promising, although thanks to the internet I can’t help but think of it as “Fro2en”, or maybe “2 Froze 2 Furious”.

    Aladdin though. Christ alive. Is it too late to request that Disney reconsider its decision of casting Tobias Funke as Genie?

  15. I’m clearly in the minority here, but I don’t see the big deal with how the Genie looks. It’s blue Will Smith. What else were people expecting? I personally think he’s miscast though. It feels like he made it into the movie because someone at Disney demanded a big star in the role and didn’t care who it was.

    Then again, I don’t think we need a live-action Aladdin at all. Disney is obsessed with making live-action versions of all its successful and well-known movies when they should be remaking things like The Sword in the Stone or The Black Cauldron. Hell, The Black Cauldron is even based on a young adult fantasy novel that is a part of a series. Think of the sequels they can make if a live-action version is successful.

    1. Not to be an advertisement, but Wikipedia says Sword in the Stone is being remade as a Disney+ exclusive, as are Lady and the Tramp and Peter Pan.

    2. Will Smith was originally supposed to be in Dumbo, I assume he didn’t think that was good enough project and wanted to do this one instead.

      Sword in the Stone is in development by a Game of Thrones producer an Shaw been for a couple of years. The Chronicles of Preydain rights were also obtained by Disney. Don’t you worry, Disney will remake everything, they just make the ones which make most money first.

  16. I am so exited for Frozen 2, I can hardly wait! I am not big fan of Disney spending their time on sequels like Pixar in theory but having Disney animation doing fairytale sequel instead of the direct to video stuff is so refreshing. And Frozen did new things as a fairlytale film so this is fitting.

    Hunchback of Notre Dame is getting an adaptation and Chronicles of Prydain (Black Cauldron source books) rights were acquired by Disney at one point. So the less successful films are coming if these make money. I still have yet to watch any of them so I am grateful for all who did spend money when the smaller films that need it get adaptations. Mulan is probably the first one I will watch, it will be very different form the orpiginal and has probably more war and Chinese culture and original tale so it will different experience. But it might be too different, I need Shang and I’ll Make A Man Out of You and I don’t think will get either!

  17. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse just beat The Incredibles 2 and Ralph Breaks the Internet in the Oscars.

    Frankly… That’s fair enough, actually…

  18. Mouse! You said exactly what I’ve been saying about these reboots! Why mess with the great ones when there have been some that didn’t do so well and could benefit from better execution and renewed attention? BTW, no pressure, but I really do miss The Devil’s Heir. I know you’re busy, but I really did enjoy it.

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