frozen 2

Alright, alright, jeez…

Firstly, a big howdy-doody to new patron Brooks Chupp, legendary silent movie film star and rumoured paramour of First Lady Grace Coollidge.

Now you may have heard that the Frozen 2 and Aladdin trailers have dropped so let’s see if we can guess the plot and save ourselves the price of a pair of cinema tickets.

  • Okay, Elsa has gone mad with power and declared war on the ocean King Cnut style.
  • Meanwhile Anna discovers that the ocean’s allies, the nefarious blue diamonds, have launched a sneak attack on the castle in Elsa’s absence.
  • But all is not lost, Christof, who, despite his love for Anna has married the queen of the reindeer to cement a dynastic alliance, rides with the reindeer army to liberate Arrendale from the icy pointy clutches of the blue diamonds and send them back to Homeworld. But at what cost?
  • Lots of leaves. Loooots of leaves. I think Disney are betting that leaves are the new snow. Getting a very autumnal vibe from this. Or as you Americans call it, “fallish”.
  • Anna just straight up cutting a bitch.

Okay, I mostly dig this. I was afraid that this was following in the footsteps of Frozen Fever and Olaf’s Frozen Adventure and this definitely seems to have more somber, high stakes tone. Love the colour pallette too, and hearing Idina Menzel (I think?) try her hand at the Sami chanting from the first movie was a real kick. So, yeah, cautiously optimistic.

Let’s see how quickly we can kill that.

Oh boy. So can we first get this out of the way: They have “Arabian Nights” playing in the background, Jafar and Aladdin standing in front of the Cave of Wonders and then Jafar dropping the name “Aladdin” like it’s supposed to be a massive reveal. Like, who the hell else is it going to be? Ariel?

As to what happens in the plot, my guess is: THE EXACT SAME THING THAT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST ALADDIN ONLY WITH A FEW EXTRANEOUS SUB PLOTS AND MAYBE RAJAH WILL BE GAY NOW #DIVERSITY.

Look Disney, if you’re going to KEEP FUCKING DOING THIS at least remake the ones that would actually benefit from a remake. Atlantis. Black Cauldron. Treasure Planet. You know, the ones that had good concepts that just needed better execution.

Also:

Image result for will smith genie

I dreamed this thing many years ago when stricken by a terrible fever and now it’s real and out in the world and I think this is the the end for all of us. I think we are doomed. Good bye.