Disney

The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

“So that’s why I’ve decided I should go back into therapy. I’m just worried that, what with my last psychiatrist turning out to be an immortal Lich King who tried to trap me in a hell dimension for all time…”

“Your trust was betrayed. And now you worry that you may not be able to trust anyone again.”

“Exactly.”

“Mouse, if I am to help you, you must feel comfortable in opening up to me. Only then can we overcome your issues and help you reach your true potential.”

“My true potential?”

“Yes. You should be killing people. Like, all the time.”

“Huh. Well, I did feed a friend of mine to a shark two weeks ago.”

"Excellent, then we are already on the road to recovery. But first we must deal with your trust issues. I am going to hypnotise you now."

“Excellent, then we are already on the road to recovery. But first we must deal with your trust issues. I am going to hypnotize you now.”

“Okay.”

“Listen to my voice. I am going to reactivate memories that have long since lain dormant. We are going to put you in touch with your inner child.”

“What the…what’s happening?”

“Hey, where am I?”

“What the…who are you?”

“He’s not really here Mouse. He is a psychological projection of you when you were a child.”

“Wow. I got REAL fat.”

“Ah yes. I forgot. I was a real charmer. What exactly am I supposed to do with him?”

“Spend time together. Reconnect. Try and recover the trust and innocence that you once had, and then we’ll be killing people together in no time.”

“Fine. What you want to do?”

“What do you normally do?”

“Honestly, I spend most of my time watching cartoons and then making stupid jokes about them.”

"So…you haven’t actually changed in twenty five years?"

“So…you haven’t actually changed in twenty three years?”

“Well I don’t wet the bed anymore. You want to watch cartoons or not?”

“Okay. Oh! Oh! That one!”

“What? No. It’s AWFUL.”

“Nuh-uh! It’s the BEST MOVIE EVER!”

“Kid, look, I know you have a lot of fond memories of this but, trust me, as someone who reviews animated movies for a living…”

“Really? You get paid to do this?”

“…Fine, let’s watch the movie.”

(more…)

Let’s all take a look at the Big Hero Six trailer

Unshaved Mouse has been nominated for Best Blog Post at the Blog Awards Ireland 2014. Please take a minute to click on this link below and vote for me. You can vote once every week. Thanks a million, Mouse.

***

So after a long period of radio silence Disney have finally released the first teaser trailer for the next installment in the canon, Big Hero Six. We’ll take a look at the teaser in a second but first, let’s go over what we know about this one.

What is Big Hero Six?

Big Hero Six is a movie.

See? This is why I come here. Searing insight like that.

Well I aim to please.

What is the movie about, smart guy?

Big Hero Six came about with Disney’s acquisition of Marvel Comics. The Disney animators were told to go through Marvel’s back catalogue to look for concepts that would work as animated features.

So, when presented with the opportunity to play with Spider-Man, the X-Men, the Avengers, Daredevil, The Fantastic Four, Nextwave…

They chose Big Hero Six, an obscure team of Japanese superheroes. Correct.

So who are Big Hero Six?

The original team included X-Men characters Sunfire and Silver Samurai, GoGo Tomago who can transform into a ball of energy, Honey Lemon who can pull any object out of her magic purse, boy genius Hiro Takachito and his robot buddy Baymax. They’ve made the odd appearance in other books, and were introduced in Starfire & Big Hero Six #1.

Was it any good?

I dunno.

Wait a minute. You? Unshaved Mouse? Don’t know something about a comic book?

Really, really, really obscure property guys. I’m a nerd, I’m not a “I’ve read Big Hero Six” nerd. However, it was written by Scott Lobdell who wrote this little treasure.

Worst goddamn book of the worst goddam reboot in the worst goddamn period of DC history.

Worst goddamn book of the worst goddamn reboot in the worst goddamn period of DC history…sorry I’m getting off track.

So I’m guessing it’s not the second coming of Watchmen.

So why would Disney choose to adapt a property that was both so obscure and so tainted with Lobdell stink?

Probably precisely because it was so obscure. One thing that holds true with Disney adaptations across the eras is that they tend to be, very, very loose, often deviating wildly from the source material.

This is, after all, the company that took the story of a chicken getting hit on the head with an acorn and turned it into War of the Worlds .

If you are a Big Hero Six fan hoping for a faithful adaptation of the comic then this is not the movie you’re looking for. We can go about our business. Move along. If Disney had decided to do, say, an animated Captain America movie, they’d have legions of fanboys breathing down their next over the slightest change to the story. With Big Hero Six, they have more freedom to truly make it their own (and if the movie is a success, you can damn well bet that Marvel will change the in-comic team to more closely resemble the movie). Disney seem to have been attracted to the story by the relationship between Hiro and Baymax and will apparently be focussing on that. Also, Sunfire and Silver Samurai will almost certainly not be appearing in the film as Sunfire is an X-Man and Silver Samurai is a Wolverine villain, the movie rights to which are both owned by Fox.

I want Robert Downey Junior in my lady parts. Since this is a Marvel movie, is there a chance that Iron Man might cameo. Is this connected to the greater Marvel cinematic universe?

Almost certainly no. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and say DEFINITELY no. Disney seems to have created an entirely new fictional world for this movie. It takes place in “San Fransokyo”, a mashup of Tokyo and San Francisco. It would be pretty much impossible to reconcile that with the more realistic world depicted in the Avengers whose nations and cities are shown to pretty much line up exactly with our own. The only possible hint of a crossover with other Marvel properties is that Samuel L. Jackson has been cast in an unconfirmed role. Will he appear as Nick Fury? Possibly. But I still wouldn’t hold out much hope of this movie crossing over with the other Marvel movies.

Alright, let’s take a look at the trailer.

Hmmm…I can’t quite put my finger on it but there’s something quite familiar about this.

Okay, not the most original trailer Disney have ever done. So what we have here is a sequence of Hiro putting Baymax together. Rather than showing a sizzle reel of scenes from the movie this feels more like the Olaf/Sven shorts that Disney released before Frozen, more about showing off the characters designs and animation that going into plot. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if none of this actually ends up being in the movie. A big difference is that I absolutely hated the Olaf/Sven shorts which seemed to be aping DreamWorks whereas this feels more Pixar by way of Miyazaki to me.

Which, as pedigrees go…

“Stay Puft Marshmallow Man” Baymax is pretty adorable and the animation is of course excellent. I can’t say I’m now absolutely raring to go and see Big Hero Six but I don’t see anything here that worries me (which makes it a big step up from the Frozen teaser). We’ll see where they go from here.

What do you guys think? Let me know in comments.

Mouse.

Unshaved Mouse and Erik Copper review: Enchanted

UM: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Unshaved Mouse, with me tonight is my lovely assitant Erik Copper, say hi to the nice folks Erik.

EC: Hi to the nice folks, Erik!

UM: Alright, listen buster, you want a corny joke war you got a corny joke war.

EC: Oh, trust me, good sir, I am more than proficient in the art of the corny joke. How do the folks over seas say it? “You don’t want nunna this?”

UM: They do say that. In England. Which, for me, is also overseas.

EC: Ah, yes. “The pond” as I heard it once called. Anyway, there are people reading this post, and I’m sure they heard enough of your corny jokes from the past 47 reviews. Ohhhh! And that is what we Americans call a “sick burn”.

UM: Yes. There are people reading this. Because it is my blog. Key difference. In Ireland, that is what we call “sruthán tinn.”

EC: You’ll have to excuse me. I do not speak–

UM: Don’t say Gaelic. Don’t say Gaelic. I warn you. Do not say Gaelic.

EC: “Paddy-talk.”

UM: Much better. So, before we incite an international incident., how about we talk about Enchanted?

EC: Well…From last week’s “next week” preview, I have a feeling your thoughts of this movie might already incite an international incident. I hear you do not like this film?

UM: Ah….okay, I may have overstated the case. No, I didn’t. I hate this movie. But I recognise that it’s not bad, and that there’s a lot of good in it. But, I think it’s kind of mediocre and phoned in and really overrated. It’s like American History X for me.

EC: But isn’t that part of the charm? It’s supposed to be a parody/deconstruction of the Disney princess motif. And in that respect, I think it does it’s job really well. Showing that the Disney “magic” doesn’t really exist outside of film kind of makes the charm all the more endearing.

UM: Well, firstly I don’t think it does it WELL, I think it does it like…competently. Like, it starts with the premise of letting a Disney princess loose in modern day New York, gets the most obvious jokes it can out of it (and don’t get me wrong, just because they’re obvious doesn’t mean they’re not funny), but it never really goes beyond that. It does everything you expect with the concept and not a jot more. And it’s not that noticeable because Amy Adams and James Marsden are giving it so much energy. I mean, they are both really, really appealing in this. That’s why I likened it to American History X, a mediocre movie that people think is great because it has a really good lead performance. Also, it’s about white supremacy.

EC: I’ve never seen American History X, but that description makes me think I might have a Song of the South reaction to the film. While I do see the side of your argument (and believe me, this movie seems to have more sides than an octagon) I think the point of the movie isn’t to give more than what it did. If you think about it, the film’s concept isn’t really all that broad. “Fairy tale in New York” (No, Pogue’s fans, go away). That’s a theme you can’t do much with, because fairy tales are so confined to a certain kind of feel, and real life contrasts with it so much. I think what the movie did with what it had made it a better film than you’re giving it credit for.

UM: “It’s Christmas Eve Baaaaaaaaabe….in the drunk taaaaaaaaank!” I’m sorry, did you say something?

EC: Goddammit, I’ve lost the Mouse. After I fetch a cat to try and wake him up (fear is often the best medicine, I find), we’ll start the actual review.

Hssssssssssss!

UM: You ever….EVER do that to me again. You just wait. I’m gonna get your natural predator and launch it at you when you least expect it!

EC: Somehow, I doubt that entirely. ANYWAY! How does the movie start?

(more…)

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #47: Meet the Robinsons

I never get to say everything I want to say with these things, there’s never enough time. For example, in the Chicken Little review there was actually a lot of fascinating stuff going on between Disney and Pixar that I didn’t even get to mention because I spent so much time talking about the fan-hate for that film and how I felt it was completely overblown. So, Chicken Little came out around the time when Pixar’s co-production deal with Disney was coming up for renewal and there was a lot riding on it, as whether it was a success or failure would strengthen or weaken Disney’s hand at the negotiating table. A flop would allow Pixar to say “See? You can’t make CGI movies without us, your movies blow chunks.” and a success would allow Disney to say “Nu-uh, our movies are totally boss and everyone says so.”

A typical Disney boardroom negotiation.

Chicken Little was released in 2005 and was a resounding minor success. Critics hated it, but it did do quite well at the box-office. Pixar realised that while Disney’s CGI output might not be ready for primetime, they’d probably be better to have as a friend than as an enemy. And so Disney and Pixar patched things up and decided to stay together for the kids and the billions of box-office and merchandising revenue generated by those kids. Disney acquired Pixar wholesale in 2006, at which point it became very, very difficult to tell where Disney ends and Pixar begins, what’s a Pixar movie and what’s a Disney movie and who exactly is qualified to be a Disney princess.

Sure. Why not? She wasn’t in a canon Disney film, but why not? Hell, let’s make BUGS BUNNY a Disney Princess, who cares anymore?

Sorry. It’s just been a dark time for people like me who don’t like their fishfingers touching the peas. Today’s movie, Meet the Robinsons was created right about the time that “Disney” and “Pixar” were becoming “DisneyPixar” (“Dixar”, as the media conglomerate shippers call them) and it really, really, really shows. In every Disney era there is a movie that sums up that whole era perfectly. Pinocchio is the quintessential Tar and Sugar movie, Jungle Book perfectly defines Scratchy Movies and honestly, I kinda feel that Meet the Robinsons is the ultimate Lost Era movie. Not that it’s bad (it’s not). But it is thoroughly weird and constantly searching for a tone. There’s also a wild, “throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” style to its comedy, and in fairness to it, a lot of it does indeed stick. It’s a movie that feels more like several little movies strung together rather than a single, cohesive whole. But first a little background.

Meet the Robinsons is loosely based on A Day with Wilbur Robinson by William Joyce, the infamous Anglo-Irish fascist who, during the second world war broadcast Nazi propaganda from Berlin into British homes as the notorious “Lord Haw Haw”…

“I’m sorry…”

Ah. Different William Joyce. This William Joyce is an American illustrator, children’s author and animator and most definitely not a Nazi. He did write Epic, however, so. Y’know. He’s not Mother Teresa either. He also worked on some really good movies like Toy Story and A Bug’s Life. Which side of the spectrum does Meet the Robinsons fall on? Let’s take a look.

(more…)

Princess Mononoke (1997)

Alright, let’s deal with the elephant in the room, shall we?

I watched the dubbed version.

マウスの死亡!
(Death to Mouse!)

Yes. Yes. Yes. Illiterate. Ignoramus. Buffoon. Yada yada yada. Look, to a certain degree I sympathise. When it comes to live action movies, I cannot STAND dubbing. Der Untergang is one of my favourite films and if you ever suggested watching it in anything other than the original German, I’d accuse you of being the first person to ever talk about Der Untergang who was actually worse than the main character. But that’s for live action. Animation is slightly different. One of my big problems with dubbing over live action is that even when the characters are outside in a forest or whatever the voices coming out of their mouths always sound like they’re in a recording booth. Which of course, they are. Also, you just can’t make the lip movements synch up, it’s just not possible. With an animated film, however, everyone, original voice actors and unwashed gaijin alike are in a recording booth anyway so it doesn’t matter. It’s also easier to make the lip movements more closely approximate the new language in animation. So basically, when it comes to animé, subbed or dubbed, I’m easy. For Princess Mononoke I’m reviewing the dubbed version for the following reasons:

It is a phenomenal dub. Great cast, fantastic performances, wonderful adapted script by Neil Gaiman, just amazingly well done.
Miyazaki himself prefers his movies to be watched rather than read and supports his films being dubbed into foreign languages.
I don’t want subtitles clogging up my screencaps when I’m makin’ mah dick jokes.
It’s easier for me to come up with jokes for the American voice actors. “Perhaps I wasn’t clear, I’m Hisaya mother fucking Morishige” doesn’t quite have the same ring.
Watching the subbed version means I don’t get to hear Gillian Anderson’s voice. I want to hear Gillian Anderson’s voice. Why don’t you want me to hear Gillian Anderson’s voice? Try and take it away from me and see what happens. Just. Try.

I’m not arguing for the superiority of the dubbed version over the original Japanese, or vice versa. What I’m saying is; it doesn’t matter. Watch either. Watch both. This movie is so damn good it will not make a lick of difference.

Monoke-Hime “The Spirit Princess” was released in Japan in 1997 and almost immediately became the most successful Japanese film of all time against a budget of 2 billion yen (aka around $20 million dollars or a third of what it cost to make Foodfight!). Following that, Miramax, a tentacle of the vast Disney octopus, purchased the rights for distribution in the West. Now, it’s a tired old truism that the big difference between animation in Japan and in the West is that here, animation is seen as being “just for kids” and I really hope we can put that one to rest finally. No, animation in the West is no longer seen as being children’s entertainment. The most successful television show in American history is The Simpsons. The airwaves are full of animated series specifically marketed towards adults. South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncutwas one of the biggest grossing movie musicals of all time. It’s done. Grown ups watch cartoons now. War is over. If you want it. Having said that, it’s certainly true that animé can be…well, pretty shocking to Western audiences used to animation being almost totally comedic. Animé is into some messed up shit quite frankly, and I’m not even talking about their lax stance on schoolgirl/tentacle relationships. There is an intensity to the violence and body horror in animé that’s like nothing you’d see in Western entertainment. Which, of course, is why it’s so popular here. Even Miyazaki, who is about as far as you can get from Fist of the Northstar, can serve you up some pretty disturbing imagery and Mononoke is probably the darkest movie in his filmography (I’ve heard Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind is even darker but I haven’t seen it yet). We got decapitations, monstrous transformations, severed limbs, giant bleeding boars turning into worm monsters of pure hatred and all kinds of dark horror that Disney just doesn’t do.

Ahem. Anymore.

HELLO!

So legendary Miramax producer Harvey Weinstein wanted to make heavy cuts to the movie to have it more in keeping with American expectations for a full length animated film. Studio Ghibli’s response was simple and eloquent, sending Weinstein a katana sword with a note saying “NO CUTS!”. It’s my blog, so I will add to the story that it was delivered to Weinstein’s room in the dead of night by a ninja weeping a single tear as he crouched silhouetted in a window while behind him, cherry blossoms fell in the moonlight. But of course, the sword was probably just delivered by some FedEx guy (ah, the days before 9/11). Weinsten got the message and the film was released without cuts, thereby ensuring that Studio Ghibli did not have to take things to the next stage.

Miyazaki may well be the greatest animation director who has ever lived. Princess Mononoke is widely considered his greatest work. Just how good is that? And can I actually make any jokes about a movie this excellent? And will you actually laugh at them?

“Why start now?”

Let’s take a look.

(more…)

Disney Reviews with Unshaved Mouse #46: Chicken Little

“WE WANT BLOOD!”
“WE WANT BLOOD!”

“Guys, that crowd is getting pretty nasty. Has he started reviewing it yet?”

“Nah man. He just watched it and now he’s just sitting there not doing any damn thang.”

“What?! Mouse, cmon! Snap out of it!”

“…”

"I told you it was too soon! I told we couldnt expect to review so soon after Foodfight! I TOLD YOU ALL! "

“I told you! I told you we couldn’t expect to review another movie so soon, after…that…other movie. I TOLD YOU ALL! “

"SHUT UP! Mouse, listen to me! You've kept them waiting too long, if you don't review this movie we're going to be killed by hardcore Disney fans!"

“SHUT UP! Mouse, listen to me! You’ve kept them waiting too long, if you don’t tear this movie apart they’re going to kill us all!”

“I…can’t…”

“I knew it! He’s too traumatised! Why din’t you listen to me?! Making him watch that piece of shit so soon after Foodfight…”

“NYAAAAAARRGGHHH!”

“Sorry, sorry, my bad.”

“BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!”

“Listen dawg. Ain’t no thang. Just go out there and tell them that the movie was a piece of shit and then you never have to see it again.”

“That’s not the problem. I…I liked it.”

"Oh Jesus. That's it everybody, run for your lives. Latin America, you run out and create a distraction."

“Oh Jesus. That’s it everybody, run for your lives. Latin America, you go out and create a distraction.”

“Sure thing…heeeeey, wait a minute!”

“What?”

“That’s a “diversion”, not a “distraction” silly.”

“Aw, you’re so smart. Now get going! We’ll rendezvous in the afterlife. Let’s go Mouse. You packin’ Asia?”

“You know it. Let’s murder some bitches.”

“No. It’s alright. I’ll go and talk to them.”

***

Okay. Well. No point beating around the bush. Time to take my punishment like a mouse. Here goes.

ATTENTION INTERNET! CHICKEN LITTLE IS NOT THAT BAD! I REPEAT! CHICKEN LITTLE IS NOT THAT BAD! PLEASE ADJUST YOUR OPINIONS ON THE BADNESS OF CHICKEN LITTLE ACCORDINGLY!

DINOSAUR REMAINS SHIT!

THAT IS ALL!

“…”

“Um…hello?”

“I think they’re paralysed with rage, boss.”

“Ah. How long before they recover and tear me limb from limb like wet tissue paper?”

“Eight, nine minutes?”

Okay. Better make this quick.

(more…)

Cars (2006)

“Sigh.”

“You seem depressed Mouse. What is troubling you?”

“Doctor? Do you ever get…urges?”

“Ah. Well, at last we are coming to the heart of the matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your inability to come to terms with your sexuality is the root cause of all your psychoses. This is great progress. Tell me about the fish.”

“What? No, no. It’s not that.”

“Well, back to square ein.”

“For the last few weeks I’ve been having these insane urges to review Cars. But I hate that movie. I hate it so much.”

“And how does this make you feel?”

“I don’t know. Guilty, maybe?”

“Why guilty?”

“Because deep down I know there are movies that are much worse, movies that I even enjoy. But I hate this movie more than all of them and maybe it’s just not as bad as I remember.”

“And why do you think that?”

“Well, because it’s Pixar! I mean, it can’t be that bad, right?”

“Mouse, our course is clear. Your subconscious is telling you to review this movie with an open mind. Come. Let us begin. I shall be with you every step of the way.”

“Siiiiiiiiiigh.”

What am I doing? The first Pixar movie I review on this blog and it’s Cars. That’s like finally deciding to see what all the fuss is about this James Bond guy and watching Die Another Day. A question I get asked a lot on this blog is “Why don’t you review the Pixar movies?” and the simple answer is they’re just too good. The canon Disney movies have a nice mix of classics, forgotten gems and duds to keep things interesting. But Pixar’s record of quality is just so high that I honestly think I’d struggle to keep the reviews varied and interesting. Except for Cars. I’ve always hated Cars. I’m always LOATHED Cars. But that’s just based on one viewing of it years ago and I’d like to think I’ve matured a lot as a connoisseur of animation since those days. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I judged it too harshly as so many of you in the comments keep telling me?

Maybe hell has frozen over? Maybe pigs can soar, soar like the mighty eagle?

Alright, so a little background. Cars was released in 2006, after The Incredibles and before Ratatouille. It was directed by John Lasseter himself and Joe Ranft, who died before the movie was released in a car accident, ironically enough.

“That’s not what “irony”means!”

Oh Nit. “Irony” doesn’t actually mean anything, it’s just a word people say.

A version of this story was knocking around Pixar as early as the completion of A Bug’s Life in 1998, and it was originally about an electric car in a world of gas guzzlers. As time went on it got postponed and reworked before finally getting released as Cars eight years later. And if that sounds like a long development time, remember that Disney is still releasing movies based on ideas they were toying with in the frickin’ forties.

Coming Summer 2034.

Because Cars merchandise basically conjures money from the ether for Disney/Pixar, it’s viewed by some fans as a sell-out movie, a vulgar cashgrab. That’s…probably unfair. From what I’ve read, for Lasseter Cars was a genuine labour of love, combining his two greatest passions, cars and animation. Well, as we’ve already established here on Unshaved Mouse, nothing works better than taking two things you love and merging them together in an ungodly fusion to appall both God and man.

Pictured: Cars.

Let’s take a look at the movie.

(more…)

Check this guy out!

The audio review of Make Mine Music is now ready for your eager ear holes and can be listened to HERE. Video review soon to follow. Also, we got any Doctor Who fans in the house? ‘Cos Erik’s got a new blog called The Doctor Dies at the End, looking at how each episode of modern Who would play out if the Doctor died, with the exception of “Turn Left”, where he will be looking at what would happen if the Doctor lived. And if you get that joke, then it’s the blog for you.

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #45: Home on the Range

“I now call this meeting of the United Foes of the Unshaved Mouse to order. Roll call! Comrade Crow!”

“Here.”

“Charlie McCarthy.”

“Here.”

“The Unscrupulous Mouse.”

“Here.”

“Taran_Wanderer_2”

“Here.”

“Fans of Beauty and the Beast“

“HERE!”

“Fans of Dinosaur.”

“….here.”

“Chairman Emeritus His Vileness the Horned King.”

I abide eternally.

“And the Avian Avatar of Avarice….THE PENGUIN!”

“Waugh! Waugh! Waugh! Excellent gentlemen! Excellent!”

Gentlemen. Ladies. Assorted vermin. You know why I have summoned you all here.

“I gotta question, Horny. Why are we holding meetings when the Mouse is still breathing? Why don’t we just take him out now?”

“Silence you over-varnished fool! Don’t you understand that an enemy like Batman can’t be defeated by mere brute strength? We have to…I think I might be in the wrong meeting.”

“Yeah. I think you’re across the hall.”

“Forgive me gentlemen.”

McCarthy. I would advise you to hold your tongue. Or I shall hold it for you.

“C’mon! Lets kill the Mouse!”

Fool. We’re not going to kill the Unshaved Mouse.

“We’re not?”

“Sorry, I think I might be in the wrong meeting too…”

No. We are not going to kill him. After all, there are things so much worse than death. I have devised a fate so heinous for the Unshaved Mouse that it can scarcely be believed. But it requires finesse, and patience.

“What is the plan, tovarich?”

First I will implant a hypnotic suggestion in the Mouse’s subconscious. Disney’s manipulations of him have left him uniquely suceptible to this. I intend to strike when he is at his weakest. His most vulnerable. His most…despairing.

First I will implant a hypnotic suggestion in the Mouse’s subconscious. Disney’s manipulations of him have left him uniquely susceptible to this. I intend to strike when he is at his weakest. His most vulnerable. His most…despairing.

***

AAAAAAARRRRHHHH…

YAAAAAAAAAARGGH…

BLEEEEEEECHHHHHHHH…

Alright, you know what? Before I can even approach this one I have got to rant about the poster. The goddamn poster! That’s how much suck we have to get through here.

“Bust a Moo?”

BUST A MOO?!!!!

WHAT THE FLAGELLATING FINICKY FLIPPING FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!???

FIND ME WHO CAME UP WITH THAT! I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING! FIND ME WHO WROTE THAT TAGLINE SO THAT I CAN PSYCHICALLY KILL THEM WITH PURE HATRED! DO IT NOW!

“Mouse. Calm down. Your friends are worried about you.”

“We’re worried. Yes.”

Sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry but…oh God that poster. That poster pretty much encapsulates the whole problem with this movie. Just this weird, desperate attempt to be hip and funny that fails so badly you’re not even sure if that’s what they were going for. It’s one thing to come last in a race. It’s another to come last because you were pushing a bobsled on the track. One just means you were bad. The other is being so inept it’s hard for an outside observer to be sure that you were even trying to win. Like all the real turkeys in the Disney canon, details on Home on the Range’s origins are hard to come by. Wikipedia, TV Tropes and IMDb are pretty light on facts and presumably only God and Michael Eisner know where the bodies are buried. I do know that Home on the Range started pre-production all the way back in 1995, that it was once going to be called Sweating Bullets and that the premise was at one point that a young calf named Bullets taking on a gang of ghost cattle rustlers called The Willies. Yeah, so this thing was always going to suck, basically. There is no universe where this movie turned out well.

How bad is it?

Come. Let us gaze upon the carnage…

(more…)

(Because I can’t pretend this thing isn’t happening) let’s take a look at the Maleficent trailer.

Unshaved Mouse has been nominated for Best Blog Post at the Blog Awards Ireland 2014. Please take a minute to click on this link and vote for me. You can vote once every week. Thanks a million, Mouse.

***

Sigh. You know, I told myself if I just stuck my head in the sand and pretended that this wasn’t happening everyone involved would gradually realise just how ill advised the whole endeavour is and this movie would quietly die like the sequel to 7even where Morgan Freeman’s character has psychic powers or the live action Akira remake with white actors. But no, this thing is apparently happening and what’s more Disney have released a trailer that proves once and for all that their marketing department is staffed by wizards who can make anything look good. Sorry, that sounds unfair and I know any movie should only be judged after it’s actually been released but…I have serious reservations about this. Now, granted, after seeing the trailer I am a little more optimistic for reasons that I’ll get into in a bit but firstly let me just point out that the basic logic behind this movie is flawed. That logic is as follows:

1) We need to make a movie about a character that people love.

2) People love Maleficent.

3) We should…what, you want me to spell it out?

Now, Maleficent is undoubtedly a fantastic character but it’s more complicated than that. She is specifically, a fantastic antagonist. Saying that a great villain will make a great leading character is like saying an astronaut is the perfect guy to perform your heart operation. It’s a completely different skill set. Villains, by and large, occupy less screen time than heroes. A villain is someone who you’re glad when they show up, do something outrageous and cool and then vanish again. A good protagonist is someone you have to be willing to spend two hours with. Villains are great in small doses, but the larger than life traits that make them so entertaining tend to get really wearying after too long. Of course, that’s assuming that this movie is just Maleficent as she was depicted in Sleeping Beauty but for two hours. It won’t be. Maleficent in the original doesn’t have an arc, her character progression in the movie is evil, evil, evil, evil, dragon. So of course this movie is instead going to make her an anti-hero, a troubled misunderstood figure whose motivations we will be able to understand and sympathise with through seeing her backstory and all the horrible things that happened to maker her who she is. This approach, historically speaking, has killed more awesome movie villains than cliffs and Arnold Schwarzenegger combined.

This is how..

This…

..became this.

This…

…became this.

And THIS…

….became…I don’t even know what the fuck this is.

Now, if I’m wrong I will happily eat my words. I’m just saying I got history on my side. Okay, so let’s take a look at the trailer.

Alright, so here are my thoughts in order.

Angelina Jolie’s eternal status at the top of the A-List has baffled me for some time. Not that she’s bad, but surely you should have to have some critically/financially successful movies under your belt before they crown you Queen of Hollywood. Seriously, look at her filmography and find something that you’d give more than three stars. Having said that, that is an absolutely phenomenal impersonation of Eleanor Audley she’s doing, almost to the point where I’m not entirely sure they didn’t just dub some dialogue from the original movie over her. Also that smile she flashes is a good sign. Jolie looks like she’s having a blast. Above all, Maleficent should enjoy being evil.
Gotta say, loving Lana Del Ray’s dreamy, sinister rendition of Once Upon a Dream. Love the atmosphere.
Three fairies hovering by a crib while Maleficent stalks through the court. These aren’t Flora, Fauna and Merryweather even though they’re colour coded the same. According to wikipedia the fairies are Thistlewit, Knotgrass and Flittle and are all played by actresses in their twenties. Godammit, I loved that the heroes of the original movie were three dumpy middle aged women. Where else do you see that?
Maleficent standing with arms raised, wreathed in green flame and vanishing from the court. So it looks like we’re going to get a pretty faithful recreation of the cursing scene.
“NOW FIND OUT THE TRUTH” Ohhhh…first big warning sign. If they think that we’re actually going to accept this as a definitive take on the story that supplants the original then this ship is crewed by fools and madmen.
Okay, now this is different. Maleficent surpises Briar Rose in the woods, blows some sleeping gunk on her and then walks through the moonlit forest with the unconscious body floating behind her. Gotta say, it’s an eerie, beautiful image. Again, Del Ray’s vocals really setting the “dark fairytale” tone.
King Stefan stabbing a table. Why is he stabbing a table? Maleficent controls the trees. Trees are made of wood. Clearly, this table is a spy.
“Urk! You may have killed me, but my mistress will crush you all! Also, would it kill you to use a coaster?”

A green clad Maleficent strolling through a field. Part of me really hopes that this movie ends with the reveal that Maleficent is actually Girl Loki and that this is all just a teaser for Avengers 3. Hey, they’re both owned by Disney, you can’t say it’s not possible.

Or even that it’s not plausible.

If I were to guess I’d say this is part of Maleficent’s origin. The movie seems to be playing up her nature powers, showing lots of sentient tree monsters and such. If I were to guess, Maleficent starts off with a naturey/defender of the forest kind of schtick, hence the green duds, and then King Philip does something to fuck with nature’s balance or whatever forcing her to go all emo and black. Which sounds pretty awful and again, why the character works better as a villain and not a protagonist.
Okay, seriously, what is up with her cheekbones? She looks like she swallowed a china plate.
The CGI at least, is going to look amazing. In fact, we can at least rest assured that this will be a very pretty movie.
The old knight with a beard is so dead.
“There is evil in this world. Hatred. And revenge.” Ohhhh stop that right now. That looks like Maleficent imparting some motherly advice to Briar Rose. That looks like Maleficent and Briar Rose bonding over a campfire. That looks like the movie is actually setting up that Maleficent secretly cares for Briar Rose. That looks like the still beating heart of Sleeping Beauty getting ripped out and stamped on the dirt. That looks like I’m gonna have to get mah pitchfork.
Okay, the little hurt “oh” followed by the pscyho laugh has me convinced that if nothing else, Jolie is going to kill the role.

So, colour me cautiously pessimistic. I still think that the basic concept of the movie is fails the smell test but there’s a lot in the trailer to give me pause. I’m certainly less sure now that it’s going to completely suck than I was. So, good job Disney marketing team. Good job. You have moved the dial in the right direction. Now if you could stop making me think that your awesome full length musical returns to form are going to be awful, weak-ass Dreamworks ripoffs, that’d be lovely.