You know the thing about the dinosaurs? It’s really, really sad when you think about it.
These beautiful animals lived for millions of years and then one day, literally one day, their world turned into a flaming hell and they died horribly. And they never understood why.
I was thinking about that a lot as I sat down to re-watch Don Bluth’s third film, The Land Before Time, and the last one he made before parting company with Stephen Spielberg. On one level, this is the least personal of Bluth’s early, pre-sellout films and the one that he had the least real affection for. Whereas Secret of Nimhand An American Tailwere true collaborations, The Land Before Time seems to have been the point where Spielberg (and new producer George Lucas) really took the reigns and Bluth was more just the guy who animated what the execs wanted. Story-wise at least. Whatever you think about him as a film-maker, Bluth had a tendency to stamp his work very strongly and it does still very much feel like one of his films in terms of atmosphere, if not necessarily subject matter.
This feels like it came from Spielberg. Is that just me?
Bluth’s films are famously dark and melancholy and I think that’s why this one works.
More than any other movie, this one captures the essential truth that any story about dinosaurs is a tragedy.
I’ve reviewed a few animated films from this decade by this point and they are all (with the exception of the Disneys) weird as balls.
But I get ahead of myself. I’m going to let you in on a little behind the scenes secret. Ever since this mouse escaped the rat race and started writing full time, I’ve actually had less time to devote to this blog with work starting on most posts a mere few days before they’re scheduled to go live. This can be a problem when I starkly under-estimate just how much there is to research on a given movie and go plummeting down rabbit-holes
And my oh my, Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure is less a field full of rabbit holes than a giant hole with occasional bits of field clinging to the edges. But okay, a little background.
So waaaaay back in the 1910s an American named Johnny Gruelle patented a doll that he named Raggedy Ann and then wrote a series of stories starring her, which were such a success that Raggedy Ann became possibly the first bona-fide modern American toy fad. And, of course, as Jane Austen herself once said “it is a truth universally acknowledged that a toy franchise in possession of a fortune must be in want of an animated tie-in.” And boy howdy, did Raggedy Ann manage to get some impressive talent over the decades. For starters, there was a short series of Fleischer cartoons that were (naturally) as charming and well made as they were horrifying.
No context for you. None.
There were also two television specials produced in the seventies by Chuck Mofawkin Jones. But, without a doubt, Raggedy Ann’s most famous foray into the world of animation was 1977’s Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure which is…well, it’s something.
Here’s what it’s like. Imagine Hasbro want a new Transformersmovie. And the director they initially tap dies and so they bring in a replacement; David Lynch. And now Optimus Prime is dancing with a backwards talking midget in the red lodge. That’s kind of what happened here.
Lynch in this instance was Richard Williams, who we’ve had our dealings with in the past. One of the best animators to ever work in the medium, period, Williams was shanghaid into making a glorified toy commerical and decided to use that opportunity to have the time of his life. This film is basically Williams and some of his most talented animator friends (Betty Boop co-creator Grim Natwick, future Genie animator Eric Goldberg and Art “I created Goofy and sued Walt Disney for unfair labour practices, took him all the way to the Supreme Court and lived to tell of it” Babbitt to name a few) having a ball on the dime of the good folks at the Bobbs-Merril publishing company.
I feel like a knight who’s been on a quest to slay a terrible dragon for a decade only to arrive at the top of the mountain and find the dragon’s around the size of a chicken and died several years ago from old age.
In the early days of this blog I built up Planes as a personal bete noir, a movie I would never, ever review because it represented the worst of crass, merchandise driven movie-making for both Disney in particular and animation in general.
Oh my. How innocent I was. How innocent we all were.
But after years of the absolute garbage I have had to sit through for you people (love you all) it is with a heavy heart that I must report that Planes is…fine?
I mean, it is aggressively mediocre, don’t get me wrong. But, given the state of Disney’s output at present, there’s something refreshing about a movie that manages to hit a solid C.
In fact, I would say it was one of the most safely boring movies I’ve seen all year were it not for the fact that it’s set in the Cars universe and therefore is, as all movies in that benighted franchise are, weird as fuck.
It is even, when you take a step back and consider it, quite beautiful. But it’s wrong.
The continents aren’t that size relative to each other. Not even close. Of course, you could use a different projection that shows them the correct relative size, something like this:
But now all the continents’ shapes are distorted nearly to the point of being unrecognisable.
Every 2 dimensional map of the world is wrong because, obviously, the world is not flat (I swear to God if anyone starts shit in the comments…). Ultimately, any attempt to render a three dimensional sphere as a 2 dimensional rectangle is, well, a lie. It’s an attempt to simplify that will always lead to distortion one way or another.
I love historical films. I hate historical films.
This was going to be a review of Inherit the Wind.
These movies are terrible. I’m so glad I watched them.
Flesh for Frankenstein and Blood for Dracula are in many ways the best candidate for a Bats versus Bolts that I’ve done yet. Not only are they by the same director and share many of the same cast, but they were made practically concurrently by the same crew.
Also, when I lie to myself and pretend that there’s some kind of high-minded artistic goal behind this series beyond me getting to talk about vampires and monsters, I like to think that each BvB pair says something about the time they were created in. That is absolutely the case with these two films which are not only seventies movies, but some of the most seventies movies I have ever seen.
These films were directed and written by Paul Morrissey, one of the more fascinating film-makers I’ve come across doing this blog. A member of Andy Warhol’s inner circle (we’ll get to that) he had a front row seat to the drug-soaked bacchanal that was the sixties New York arts scene. Morrissey is fascinating to try to pin down in terms of his politics. A self described right-wing conservative and staunch Catholic…who was also something of a trailblazer in terms of trans representation in film and a body of work that lends itself quite easily to Marxist readings with a consistent portrayal of the aristocracy as a shower of evil degenerate parasites. Like I say: interesting guy.
Note, I did not say maker of good films.
Anyway, Morrissey claims that the whole idea to make monster movies came about, appropriately enough, from meeting Roman Polanski. Polanski apparently suggested that Morrissey would be the perfect person to make a 3D Frankenstein movie, which honestly I would take as an insult. Morrissey didn’t, however, and arranged a shoot in Italy, filming both Flesh for Frankenstein and Blood for Dracula back to back. Or, as they were known in the U.S.; Andy Warhol’s Dracula and Andy Warhol’s Frankenstein. Why were they called that? Oh, that’s very simple.
Lies.
It was just a marketing tactic. Warhol let his friend put his name of the movies to boost the alogorithim. They actually used the same trick for the Italian releases, putting a famous Italian director’s name on them to claim Italian residency which actually got the production in serious legal trouble in Italy.
The resulting movies are Morrissey’s critique of the sticky, shame-filled, bitter and angry come down from the Free Love era that was the early seventies.
That makes them sound a lot more classy and high brow than they actually are.
In 1984 Disney took a punt and gave one of their young animators, a skinny pale young-feller-milad named Tim Burton some money to make a live action short and recoiled, in horror, at what he wrought by tampering in God’s domain. It’s a truly terrifying film, and even looking at the poster has driven me quite mad. Oh yes!
It’s called”Frankenweenie” but he’s not a weenie dog he’s a bull terrier and no one ever mentions that am I MAD I MUST BE MAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Seriously, it’s a rather charming if ludicrously cheap and cheerful little short about a boy named Victor Frankenstein who uses lightning to bring his beloved dog back to life. And Disney took one look at it and said “Dark? Weird? GOTHIC?! We never expected this of YOU, Tim Burton!” and fired his ass.
Fortunately, the short brought him to the attention of Paul “Pee-Wee” Reubens and Burton’s career was off to the races. Flashforward a few decades and Disney have finally realised that they quite like this Tim Burton character and he’s settled into a groove as one of the most reliable nipples from which they milk their never-ending stream of content. And what better way to mend fences than for Disney to pony up the money for a lavish, stop-motion, feature length do-over of Frankenweenie?
Do you need me to send you a picture of a weenie dog or are you assholes trolling me?
Now, I’m a pretty big Burton fan all things considered but his late period collaborations with Disney have been the absolute nadir of his career. But, can this return to his roots shoot a few volts into his long dead artistic drive?
Bruce has a flashback to his parents death in Crime Alley (just in case you were fuzzy on the details). Alfred asks Bruce when he’s getting rid of his bag of sewer guns and expresses surprise that Bruce even wants them in the house given his history with both guns and sewers. Bruce then casually gives the most ludicrously out of character speech in the character’s 84 year history by waxing poetic about the appeal of firearms: “their heft, their sleekness…”
“Also, I love clowns and I think Superman is just the coolest”.
From that, we cut to Floyd Lawton, aka Deadshot, shooting a target from half a city away from a moving Ferris Wheel. Later, Deadshot is called back to Gotham for a new assignment.
On the roof of the GCPD, Crispus Allen tells Batman that the cops have gotten word that Deadshot has been hired to kill Gordon, and Batman tells him that he has evidence that this isn’t Floyd’s first murdercation to Gotham, and that he killed the community activist who died in Field Test.
Batman tails Gordon through the streets of Gotham with Alfred providing surveillance via satellite. Alfred says that the ideal place for Deadshot to snipe Gordon would be from the railway bridge, but that fortunately he doesn’t appear to be on the bridge and, hah, I mean, it’s not like he’d try to shoot Gordon from the roof of a speeding train right?
“I know people who do things the sensible way and they’re all cowards.”
Lawton takes his shot and Batman…
Batman PUNCHES THE BULLET OUT OF THE AIR.
Shit’s metal as fuck.
Batman and Deadshot battle on the train roof and Deadshot realises that Gordon was just bait and that Batman was his real target all along. They fight, but Batman has already proved that fist beats bullet so he cleans Deadshot’s clock.
Later, in Wayne Manor, Bruce reveals that fighting Deadshot reminded him of the night his parents died (what is a train, if not an alley with wheels?). Bruce expresses doubt as to whether he can ever make a difference but then sees the Bat Signal in the sky and goes to work. It’s probably just some routine bank robbery or something.
How was it?
Okay, apart from that scene this is the strongest short in the anthology so far.
But holy shit, that scene.
Even with Bruce’s caveat that he’d never use one himself, the whole gun speech is just weird. I dunno if you’re aware of this but Batman has traditionally had a somewhat contentious relationship with firearms.
In the first episode of Batman Beyond, Bruce has to resort to using a gun to save his own life. Not even shooting it, just aiming it. And he’s so disgusted with himself that he refuses to every put on the cowl again. And that felt so right.
But, apart from that, this is awesome. The animation is top-tier (Madhouse also did Program, the best animated of the Animatrix shorts) and this is just a great little yarn.
Pursuing one of Scarecrow’s goons in the sewers, Batman is shot and slowly bleeding to death. As he desperately searches for a way out, he remembers his time travelling the world, learning the skills that he would use to become Batman. In flashback, we see Bruce travelling to India to be trained by fakirs in how to overcome pain. But the fakirs reject Bruce sensing he has ulterior motives for learning their ways, which are only to be used for the attainment of inner peace and enlightenment.
“And pussy. Looooots of pussy.”
Bruce’s guide instead hooks him up with Cassandra, a local woman who studied under the fakirs disguised as a boy until they threw her out. Now considered a witch by the local village she agrees to train him. This angers some local youths who arrive at her door in the middle of the night. Cassandra tells Bruce she”l handle it but he intervenes, beating the youths up and driving them off. Cassandra tells Bruce to leave, angry that he didn’t listen to her and that he’s simply made her stock in the village fall even lower when she was in no danger (after all, they literally couldn’t hurt her). Bruce thanks her for her training, and she tells him not to, saying that she wasn’t able to help him deal with his pain because he doesn’t truly want it gone.
In the present, Bruce finds the gun that the young Russian threw into the gutter duringField Test and then finds another and another.
Alfred arrives in the Batmobile and reaches down, asking for Bruce to give him his hand. He sees Bruce, literally holding armfuls of abandoned firearms.
“I…I can’t..”
How was it?
Well well well. If it isn’t Brian Azzarello daring to show his face on my blog after what he did.
But I gotta say, this ain’t bad at all. Firstly the animation is beautiful. Highly detailed, graceful motion, no notes. Best animated short in this thing so far, hands down.
Cassandra is a genuinely intriguing character and Parminder Nagra gives a lovely performance. It’s a slow, meditative short that I remember not really liking the first time I saw it but I’ve warmed to it a lot.
My only real criticism is that some of the “Indian” accents of the other minor characters…woof. Y’all owe Hank Azaria an apology.
But, it looks great, it’s an interesting look at Batman’s early years and, in that final shot of Bruce helplessly holding the guns and realising just how endless the tide of violence in Gotham really is this series has its first, truly iconic moment.
Batman gets called in by Jim Gordon after an entire congregation in a cathedral goes nuts and a cardinal named O’Fallon is apparently abducted by a hulking reptilian man. Batman descends into the sewers to find O’Fallon while keeping in radio contact with Gordon. Gordon tells Batman that the lizard man is Waylon “Killer Croc” Jones who was a patient of Doctor Crane in Arkham. During that time, Crane apparently amplified Croc’s fears to psychotic levels, including his phobia of bats…
“Welp. This backfired.”
Batman is bitten by Croc which infects him with fear toxin but he’s able to beat Croc and proceeds into the sewers where Crane is putting O’Fallon on trial for the crime of giving the homeless of Gotham hope. Batman fights off Crane’s army of mind-controlled hobos, blows a hole in the room by igniting the methane in the atmosphere (don’t think about it too hard) and brings O’Fallon back to the surface.
How was it?
First things first, this feels like Batman in a way that none of the other shorts have so far (Crossfire came closest but Batman is practically a cameo in that). This opens with a dark rainy night in Gotham with the Bat Signal strobing the sky and police sirens wailing like wolves. A gargoyle stirs on a rooftop and is revealed to be Batman, who then dives into the streets below like a vengeful creature of the night.
It’s peak Batman.
And, after three episodes of tackling generic mobsters and one-off supervillains we finally get to see some honest to God FREAKS, with two pretty major rogues appearing.
So, probably the strongest of the shorts we’ve seen so far but I still have issues. For one the animation isn’t great. Characters have tendency to go off model and the mouth animations are really quite ugly and distracting.
Also, the short brings back the weird as hell idea of Batman moving like a smoke monster from Have I got A Storyfor You. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a visual representation as to how other people see him move, or if it’s just a stylistic choice or whether this Batman is actually supposed to have super powers but whatever it is it’s distracting as hell and I don’t like it.
There’s also (I feel like this is becoming this Shortstember’s unofficial motto) some real some dumb shit here. Batman explores an underground railway that was apparently built in Gotham to transport dead bodies to the city’s various cemeteries. Like…why would you need that? How many people are dying in this city every day that would justify the expense of industrial scale corpse transportation? Is this Gotham or the fucking 40k universe?
And there’s also this little gem of dialogue…
BATMAN: I’ll keep in contact with this. It’s a wireless relay system. Slaved to the communicator in my mask. In case you’re tempted to try and track me with it, don’t bother. Signal are locked with quantum crytology bounced through a dozen satellites. You’ll never be able to follow it.
“Oh, you’re too clever for me, Batman. Of course, now I know you can afford your own satellite system so that does slightly narrow down your possible identity.”
The Lord of the Rings really shouldn’t work, should it?
Nine hours of wandering around in a made up fantasy world with tons of different factions, fake languages, dozens upon dozens of characters and a story drawing on thousands of years of fictional history, it should be a series that only the most hardcore nerds would have any interest in. So why is it so popular?
I think it comes down to two things:
Complexity resting on simplicity.
The Ring is not just a Ring.
The story of Lord of the Rings is fiendishly complicated but it all relies on one very small thing.
Frodo must destroy the One Ring. That’s the key to understanding everything that happens in the movie. Every other character’s story and motivations somehow branch off from that one central spine: Frodo must destroy the One Ring, everyone else is either trying to help him or stop him. Huge complexity resting on something very simple.
So what’s all this got to do with The Dark Crystal?
unshavedmouse 