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Cars (2006)

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

“Sigh.”

“You seem depressed Mouse. What is troubling you?”

“Doctor? Do you ever get…urges?”

“Ah. Well, at last we are coming to the heart of the matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your inability to come to terms with your sexuality is the root cause of all your psychoses. This is great progress. Tell me about the fish.”

“What? No, no. It’s not that.”

“Well, back to square ein.”

“For the last few weeks I’ve been having these insane urges to review Cars. But I hate that movie. I hate it so much.”

“And how does this make you feel?”

“I don’t know. Guilty, maybe?”

“Why guilty?”

“Because deep down I know there are movies that are much worse, movies that I even enjoy. But I hate this movie more than all of them and maybe it’s just not as bad as I remember.”

“And why do you think that?”

“Well, because it’s Pixar! I mean, it can’t be that bad, right?”

“Mouse, our course is clear. Your subconscious is telling you to review this movie with an open mind. Come. Let us begin. I shall be with you every step of the way.”

“Siiiiiiiiiigh.”

What am I doing? The first Pixar movie I review on this blog and it’s Cars. That’s like finally deciding to see what all the fuss is about this James Bond guy and watching Die Another Day. A question I get asked a lot on this blog is “Why don’t you review the Pixar movies?” and the simple answer is they’re just too good. The canon Disney movies have a nice mix of classics, forgotten gems and duds to keep things interesting. But Pixar’s record of quality is just so high that I honestly think I’d struggle to keep the reviews varied and interesting. Except for Cars. I’ve always hated Cars. I’m always LOATHED Cars. But that’s just based on one viewing of it years ago and I’d like to think I’ve matured a lot as a connoisseur of animation since those days. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I judged it too harshly as so many of you in the comments keep telling me?

Maybe hell has frozen over? Maybe pigs can soar, soar like the mighty eagle?

Alright, so a little background. Cars was released in 2006, after The Incredibles and before Ratatouille. It was directed by John Lasseter himself and Joe Ranft, who died before the movie was released in a car accident, ironically enough.

“That’s not what “irony”means!”

Oh Nit. “Irony” doesn’t actually mean anything, it’s just a word people say.

A version of this story was knocking around Pixar as early as the completion of A Bug’s Life in 1998, and it was originally about an electric car in a world of gas guzzlers. As time went on it got postponed and reworked before finally getting released as Cars eight years later. And if that sounds like a long development time, remember that Disney is still releasing movies based on ideas they were toying with in the frickin’ forties.

Coming Summer 2034.

Because Cars merchandise basically conjures money from the ether for Disney/Pixar, it’s viewed by some fans as a sell-out movie, a vulgar cashgrab. That’s…probably unfair. From what I’ve read, for Lasseter Cars was a genuine labour of love, combining his two greatest passions, cars and animation. Well, as we’ve already established here on Unshaved Mouse, nothing works better than taking two things you love and merging them together in an ungodly fusion to appall both God and man.

Pictured: Cars.

Let’s take a look at the movie.

(more…)

The Saga Ends…

I’ve been remiss in my duties I’m afraid. Due to me actually (gasp!) writing over the last few weeks I’ve not been updating episodes of the Goo like I’d planned. So here are the final two episodes.

Episode 4 is HERE, and Episode 5 is HERE. Please watch, share and tell your friends. It’s a great series and plus, Dave’s a mate and I owe him for that time he saved me from a rabid banshee.

And now, for the last time, please read your nationality appropriate recommendation.

For Non-Irish Readers

As we enter the penultimate and final installments of the Goo, this towering work has so many questions yet to answer. Will Dave and Jonesy manage to escape the deathtrap that addiction has built around them? Will they emerge from this ordeal with even the barest trace of their humanity intact? Will they finally discover the identity of the mysterious Yellow King? But perhaps that’s not the point. The Goo is not about providing easy answers. The Goo is about the questions that we must ask oursevles. The Goo is the mirror held up to our faces, our own unblinking reflection staring back at us, always questioning. Can you meet its gaze?

Can any of us?

For Irish Readers

Sound.

Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010)

There’s a little game I like to play called The Mark Hamill Game. It goes like this, you spend your entire life waiting for someone to say something like “Tch. Mark Hamill, what a has-been” or “Wow. Bet he thought Star Wars was going to be a career maker for him, more like a career breaker amirite?” and then, get this, you punch that person repeatedly in the face. It’s a fun game, and also it provides a useful service to society. Mark Hamill is not a has-been. Mark Hamill is one of the most talented, respected and lauded voice actors currently working in the industry, an actor who combines astonishing versatility and a real flair for mimicry with a wonderfully energetic and intense performance style. And by far his greatest role was his absolutely revolutionary turn as Batman’s arch nemesis the Joker in the seminal Batman: The Animated Series. Now…millenials like myself tend to gush about this show to the point that if you sat down to watch it based on our recommendation you might be expecting something like Saturday morning Miyazaki. And, at the risk of a storm of screeching Batfans descending from the stalactite studded cave roof of the internet…it wasn’t perfect. It was, no question, a very, very good cartoon. Possibly the best cartoon series until that point. But the quality varied wildly in terms of animation and writing. Partially this was because the animation was done by more than one animation studio, some vastly more adept than others. And also, the show took its time to decide whether it was just a cartoon for kids or something more mature. It’s great, I’m not disputing that, but…not every episode was Heart of Ice. Some of them were Batman’s in my Basement. You know what was perfect though? Mark Hamill’s Joker. Hilarious, crazed and utterly terrifying. To fans in the know, the greatest Joker was not Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson or even Heath Ledger. It was Mark Hamill.

He’s not in Batman: Under the Red Hood.

As well as Hamill, BTAS also had one of the all time great Batman/Bruce Wayne performances (admittedly that’s a slightly lower bar to clear). Kevin Conroy’s Batman for many fans (including me) was the absolute sweet spot for this character that has had an incredibly broad spectrum of portrayals over his nearly 75 year history.

Same guy. Really.

Conroy’s Batman is grim but compassionate. Hyper competent but not infallible. Intimidating but not a monster. Often brutal but not a cop-killing, kidnapping, ableist, potty-mouthed psychopath.

No. No you are not.

Conroy’s not in this either.

So understand, when Warner Bros announced that they would be releasing a straight to DVD animated Batman film that would not star either Conroy or Hamill, long considered irreplaceable, expectations were not high. I remember reading one commenter who essentially said “What ever they want? Pay them. If they’re not free? Wait. And if they just don’t want to do it? Don’t make the movie.” You could say that the very positive response Under the Red Hood would finally receive was partially due to low expectations but I don’t think so. This, to me, personally, is the best Batman movie ever made. I don’t mean that it’s the best movie to feature Batman in it.

Nope.

There ya go.

No, you know what? I can’t even joke about that.

Logically I know that Dark Knight is an absolute masterpiece. But as a Batman story, as a story that actually tells us something new and interesting about Bruce Wayne, as a story that actually makes him the focus I think URH has the edge. Why is it so good? Let’s take a look. To the Mousemobile!

(more…)

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #45: Home on the Range

“I now call this meeting of the United Foes of the Unshaved Mouse to order. Roll call! Comrade Crow!”

“Here.”

“Charlie McCarthy.”

“Here.”

“The Unscrupulous Mouse.”

“Here.”

“Taran_Wanderer_2”

“Here.”

“Fans of Beauty and the Beast“

“HERE!”

“Fans of Dinosaur.”

“….here.”

“Chairman Emeritus His Vileness the Horned King.”

I abide eternally.

“And the Avian Avatar of Avarice….THE PENGUIN!”

“Waugh! Waugh! Waugh! Excellent gentlemen! Excellent!”

Gentlemen. Ladies. Assorted vermin. You know why I have summoned you all here.

“I gotta question, Horny. Why are we holding meetings when the Mouse is still breathing? Why don’t we just take him out now?”

“Silence you over-varnished fool! Don’t you understand that an enemy like Batman can’t be defeated by mere brute strength? We have to…I think I might be in the wrong meeting.”

“Yeah. I think you’re across the hall.”

“Forgive me gentlemen.”

McCarthy. I would advise you to hold your tongue. Or I shall hold it for you.

“C’mon! Lets kill the Mouse!”

Fool. We’re not going to kill the Unshaved Mouse.

“We’re not?”

“Sorry, I think I might be in the wrong meeting too…”

No. We are not going to kill him. After all, there are things so much worse than death. I have devised a fate so heinous for the Unshaved Mouse that it can scarcely be believed. But it requires finesse, and patience.

“What is the plan, tovarich?”

First I will implant a hypnotic suggestion in the Mouse’s subconscious. Disney’s manipulations of him have left him uniquely suceptible to this. I intend to strike when he is at his weakest. His most vulnerable. His most…despairing.

First I will implant a hypnotic suggestion in the Mouse’s subconscious. Disney’s manipulations of him have left him uniquely susceptible to this. I intend to strike when he is at his weakest. His most vulnerable. His most…despairing.

***

AAAAAAARRRRHHHH…

YAAAAAAAAAARGGH…

BLEEEEEEECHHHHHHHH…

Alright, you know what? Before I can even approach this one I have got to rant about the poster. The goddamn poster! That’s how much suck we have to get through here.

“Bust a Moo?”

BUST A MOO?!!!!

WHAT THE FLAGELLATING FINICKY FLIPPING FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!???

FIND ME WHO CAME UP WITH THAT! I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING! FIND ME WHO WROTE THAT TAGLINE SO THAT I CAN PSYCHICALLY KILL THEM WITH PURE HATRED! DO IT NOW!

“Mouse. Calm down. Your friends are worried about you.”

“We’re worried. Yes.”

Sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry but…oh God that poster. That poster pretty much encapsulates the whole problem with this movie. Just this weird, desperate attempt to be hip and funny that fails so badly you’re not even sure if that’s what they were going for. It’s one thing to come last in a race. It’s another to come last because you were pushing a bobsled on the track. One just means you were bad. The other is being so inept it’s hard for an outside observer to be sure that you were even trying to win. Like all the real turkeys in the Disney canon, details on Home on the Range’s origins are hard to come by. Wikipedia, TV Tropes and IMDb are pretty light on facts and presumably only God and Michael Eisner know where the bodies are buried. I do know that Home on the Range started pre-production all the way back in 1995, that it was once going to be called Sweating Bullets and that the premise was at one point that a young calf named Bullets taking on a gang of ghost cattle rustlers called The Willies. Yeah, so this thing was always going to suck, basically. There is no universe where this movie turned out well.

How bad is it?

Come. Let us gaze upon the carnage…

(more…)

Check these guys out!

Two friends of mine, Dave Fleming and Stephen “yer man from Love/Hate” Jones, have launched a new online comedy series called The Goo and the first episode is up and running and can be viewed HERE. New episodes will be going up every Monday and I’ll be posting links on the blog. It’s brilliant and you should absolutely check it out and like it and share it. However, how you experience The Goo will really depend on whether or not you’re Irish so I have prepared two recommendations for the Goo. If you’re reading this outside of Ireland, please skip to the next paragraph.

For Irish Viewers:

Right lads, so two mates of mine have put up the first episode of their new comedy series The Goo on the You Tube yoke. It’s bleedin’ deadly and tells the story of two lads out on the lash and all the hilarious hijinx and various shenanigans that ensure therefrom. Give it a look and spread the word if you like it and if you don’t you can feck off and anyway.

For Non-Irish Viewers:

The Goo is a harsh and unflinching look at the scourge of alcoholism in modern Irish society. Watch as Dave and Jonesy decent deeper and deeper into substance dependence, moral and spiritual degradation and finally madness. Please like and share this essential document of the greatest and most enduring scourge of the Irish nation. The world needs to see this. Thank you, and God bless.

Thanks guys, and go on The Goo.

Don’t get your Pantis in a twist.

Unshaved Mouse has been nominated for Best Blog Post at the Blog Awards Ireland 2014. Please take a minute to click on this link and vote for me. You can vote once every week. Thanks a million, Mouse.

***

This is getting to be a habit so let me say this right off the bat; I don’t actually hate the Irish media. In fact I quite like it. 99% of the time it does a decent to good job of letting me know what’s going on in the world and whether this chicken sandwich is going to give me salmonella. Actually, I was originally going to write about the backlash to Macklemore winning the grammy (I even had an awesome name for it: Macklash!) but then this latest controversy reared its ugly head so I had to put that post on ice (short version, he’s a really decent guy who maybe didn’t deserve to beat Kendrick, not the second coming of Hitler and anyway it’s a grammy so who cares?). So yeah, I don’t want to seem like I hate the Irish media even though whenever I bring them up on this blog I’m raking them across the coals. I’m sorry. It’s like the toilet, you only ever notice it when it stops working and you’re up to your oxters in fecal matter. But this time around I feel there’s an added urgency to put something in writing because this business is embarrassing to not only the state broadcaster RTÉ but also the national paper of record, The Irish Times. Which, amazingly, means that coverage of it in the national media has been slightly muted to say the least. So, as usual, it falls to a bunch of oddballs on the internet to spread the word. Alright, so let me set the scene.

Around a fortnight ago on RTÉs The Saturday Night Show host Brendan O’Connor was interviewing drag artist Rory O’Neill (aka Panti). And I will say this, if there is one positive thing to come out of this whole episode it is that it has finally justified my irrational fear and loathing of Brendan O’Connor. You can read his Wikipedia page here, I think it gives a good flavour of the man. Anyway, the topic of homophobia came up and O’Neill was asked who in the Irish media he felt were homophobic. O’Neill is obviously one of the those poor deluded fools who was raised to believe that when someone asks you a question you give an honest answer (“truthies” we used to call ‘em when I was growing up) and mentioned the Iona Institute and Irish journalist John Waters.

Who is John Waters?

Hahahahahahaha…no.

That’s our boy.

John Waters is a conservative columnist and professional crankypants for the Irish Times known for his opposition to gay marriage particularly and the increasingly secularisation of Ireland more generally. He has also written such books as Hey you kids, get off my lawn!, This here is private property dagnabbit and of course I Know Your Parents!

And the Iona Institute?

The Iona Institute is a Conservative Catholic lobby group formed in 2007 to prevent the establishment of gay marriage in Ireland and promote hardline conservative Catholicism. This was as a response to the mass exodus of Irish people from the Catholic Church from the mid nineties and onward (I blame TV and rock and roll. Also the mass child rape and the vast conspiracy to pervert the course of justice and protect those responsible. But mostly the first two.)

So then what happened?

At first, nothing. The interview was broadcast in its entirety and then went up on RTÉs online player. But then it was taken down, and re-uplaoded with O’Neill’s comments about Waters and the Iona Institute excised. When asked why this was; RTÉ responded: “Last weekend’s The Saturday Night Show was removed from the Player due to potential legal issues and for reasons of sensitivity following the death of Tom O’Gorman as would be standard practice in such situations.”

Woah, back up. Who’s Tom O’Gorman?

Yeah, he just kinda flew outta nowhere there didn’t he? Tom O’Gorman was a researcher for the Iona Institute who earlier this month was murdered and partially eaten in his home by his Italian chess partner. Seriously. I’m not making a joke, that actually happened. This of course was a horrific and tragic crime which would certainly be grounds for editing O’Neill’s interview if he had mentioned Tom O’Gorman in any way.

Okay…so, that’s weird.

It gets weirder. Well…no, it doesn’t really get weirder than cannibalistic Italian chess players but it continues to be weird in different, less horrifying ways. As it turns out, this was an attempt by RTÉ to use a horrific crime to give themselves cover for censoring the interview. The reason they did this pretty soon became apparent. John Waters and the Iona Institute had lawyered up. And they did not take kindly to being called homophobes. On a later episode of The Saturday Night Brendan O’Connor addressed the audience. Now, let me be clear, if O’Connor had just come out and said “RTE wishes to clarify that the views expressed on this show do not necessarily reflect the views of RTE blah blah boilerplate” that’s fine. Regardless of my personal stance on the issue, the national broadcaster must be seen to be impartial . That’s fine. That’s not what this was.

“Now, on the Saturday night show two weeks ago comments were made by a guest suggesting the journalist and broadcaster John Waters, Breda O’Brien and some members of the Iona institute are homophobic. These are not the views of RTÉ and we would like to apologise for any upset or distress caused to the individuals named or identified. It is an important part of democratic debate that people must be able to hold dissenting views on controversial issues.”

So…what you have here is the national broadcaster censoring itself and then apologising profusely under legal threat because a private citizen expressed a personal opinion that individuals who have devoted a considerable portion of their adult lives to ensuring that gay people do not achieve equal marriage rights could be considered homophobic…and then lecturing us on the importance of freedom of expression in a healthy democracy.

“And now, please rise for the two minutes hate. DEATH TO THE TRAITOR GOLDSTEIN!”

However, it was the news that RTÉ is actually paying a cash settlement to the Iona Institute (which, since RTÉ is state funded essentially amounts to a gift from the Irish taxpayer) that people have loudly declaring that Up With This We Will Not Put. Ironically, John Waters was until recently a member of the Broadcasting Authority of Ireland, whose purpose is to actually protect liberty of expression in Irish broadcasting. To his credit, I suppose he’s not a hypocrite. It’s just a little disheartening that when faced with choosing between freedom of speech and media suppression he looked at the latter and said “Ooh that one!”

RTÉ’s behaviour in all this baffles me. See, I’ve spent time in RTÉ. I worked their briefly as an intern and I was interviewed once for an afternoon programme and let me tell you, the place is not exactly what you’d call gay unfriendly.

A Thursday morning in RTÉ.

The obvious reason of course is cowardice. As in, RTÉ are cowards. Big wusses. Total pussbags. And if this was a simple case of a craven obeisance to power that would be something. That at least can indicate a rat-like survival instinct which is kind of admirable in a way. But, and I cannot emphasise this enough, NOBODY GIVES A FLYING FIDDLER’S FUCK ABOUT THE IONA INSTITUTE. Seriously, they’re a joke. Ireland’s gay marriage referendum is scheduled for 2015 and there’s every indication that it’s going to be a walk for the YES side. I’ve seen polls putting support at upwards of seventy percent, the highest level of support for anything in Ireland since pollsters stopped asking “Beer good?” Given Iona’s complete lack of clout the only reason for RTE’s craven grovelling is that they think Iona and John Waters actually have a case.

So that’s the real question. Was O’Neill’s remark an objective fact or an unproven slander? Does opposing gay marriage in and of itself make you a homophobe? Now I know that thousands…hundreds? Okay, several readers are now screaming at the screen “Yes. Mouse. Yes.” But honestly, I think that kind of absolutist “with us or agin’ us” mentality is very harmful for the gay rights movement. Take somebody who supports civil unions for gay couples and abhors discrimination and anti-gay prejudice but draws the line at full marriage equality. He may be wrong, but he’s not Fred Phelps, and treating him like he is Fred Phelps is not going to win him over. In every great social struggle like this the side that is the more flexible, pragmatic, patient and willing to make messy compromises in the present for greater gains in the future always wins.

So if you were to tell me that you honestly and sincerely bear no ill will or prejudice towards gays but just believe that marriage should be between a man or a woman, I can’t read your soul. I can’t know if that’s true or not so I’m just going to have to take you at your word until I get my hands on a Klingon mind sifter.

It is extremely effective if…unpleasant.

Also, because I am an incurable optimist, I can’t help but see the bright side in this. If being labeled a homophobe is now so toxic in Irish society that even the friggin’ Iona institute feels the need to yank out the heavy legal artillery at the mere suggestion that they might be such, then the war is very nearly over and we are in the advanced stages of endgame.

However, I would like to close with a little bit of unsolicited career advice for the Iona Institute and Mr John Waters. If the idea of being labelled a homophobe is so abhorrent to you? If the mere notion that anyone could possibly consider you to be a homophobe is so awful that you would sue the national broadcaster and throw the very notion that we live in a country where freedom of expression is permitted into serious doubt?

If it is really as bad as all that?

Maybe you’re in the wrong line of work.

I hear Game of Thrones is looking for extras?

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO DONATED!

Well everyone, that wraps her up and I am delighted to say that thanks in large part you guys we have reached our funding target for Joanna! And now I can freely admit that there never was such a play, and I am absconding to Mexico with your donations to live like a filthy pirate king. Good times.

In the meantime though, here is the list of people who donated and an approximate date for your review to go up. As I said in an earlier post, I will try to keep to this schedule but sickness, holidays, computer failures or family emergencies may result in your review getting pushed back and if it does, lo siento mucho. Also, while I did originally say I would be putting up the names of the movies people requested but I think it might be more fun to surprise you at the end of each review so instead I’ve put down the date, the name of the donor and my first reaction on being asked to review that movie. Here we go.

30 January 2014- Amelia Mellor (Oooh. Heard it’s really good.)

27 February 2014- Ryen Rasmus (Oh FUCK YEAH!)

13 March 2014- Michael Tyndall (Ugh.)

27 March 2014- Alan Fowley Doyle (AAAAAAAARRRGGHH)

24 April 2014- James Egan (Ah, that’ll cleanse the palette.)

05 June 2014- Ian Tait Doak (Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…I am thirty fucking years old I should not be this excited.)

03 July 2014- Darragh Ó Bradáin (Okay, you are one of my oldest friends so I will review this movie for you even though it’s not actually an animation and also I did have the theme music played at my wedding reception so okay.)

31 July 2014- Andrew Russell(TETSUO!!!! KANEDAAAAAAAA!!!!)

11 September 2014- Fleur Farwaji (No, no, no, look I can’t review another live action movie you’re donating how much? Okay then.)

09 October 2014- Eamonn Sharpson (You’re lucky you’re my brother or I would punch you in the mouth.)

20 November 2014- Lurking Lurker (Sorry, looks like it’ll be your second choice. Couldn’t find a non dodgy/legal/inexpensive way of getting your first choice)

04 December 2014- Callie Arendt (Yeah. I’ve known I’d have to do this one since the Aladdin review.)

18 December 2014- Veronica Trump (So it’s The Big Sleep with cartoon cats?)

01 January 2015- Zoe Faulder (I really hope Zoe picks a movie otherwise this will be a really dull review.)

15 January 2015- Conor Kelly (Haven’t seen it but I think this one may cause me to chop onions.)

29 January 2015- Úna Hennessy (Studio Ghibli is always a safe bet, right?)

12 February 2015 – Daniel Austin (They may not dance, but they sure as hell can play the keyboard.)

26 February 2015- Melissa Gola (When they find out I think this one is overrated I am so dead.)

12 March 2015- Sean Egan (How the hell am I supposed to do a funny review of a movie with no dialogue?)

26 March 2015- Juha Tilli (God I hope I can track down a Region 2 copy of this before then.)

09 April 2015- Juha Tilli (again) (What the..What and the Midsummer What?..Huh?!)

23 April 2015- Esther Ní Dhonnacha (Oh God…Ireland’s curse.)

07 May 2015- Chinyere Breitner-Nwizuzu (What is that? A Francis Ford Coppola Yakuza movie?)

21 May 2015- Samantha Doyle (So it’s back to the Bluthiverse…)

04 June 2015- Jacob Charlet (I will review this movie. Because I’m an athlete.)

18 June 2015- Juha Tilli, who by this stage is basically executive producer of this thing. (Ducktales Woohoo!)

02 July 2015- Jennifer Seggio (My, don’t we like to cut things fine?)

***

Now, these are the people who’ve specifically requested a review. If you donated but didn’t get around to asking me for a review and would like one please let me know in the comments and I’ll add you to the list. Or if you did ask me for a review and it somehow slipped through my meticulous filing system (ha!) again, let me know and I’ll fix it. And lastly, if you wanted to request a review and didn’t get a chance this time, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing this again next year as ~~Mexico is surprisingly expensive~~ we’ll probably be doing another production which I’ll tell you about closer to the time. Anyway, thanks so much to everyone who donated on behalf of myself, my wife and the cast of Joanna. I promise we will work our asses off to make this play the best that it can be and to justify your support and faith in us. Thanks guys.

Mouse

“Increase quality of Theatre Output by 30%”

My friends, let us be frank. This is no mere kerfuffle. It is not even a brouahaha. This is a full on clusterpickle. I refer of course to the controversy following the release by the Irish Times of the findings of the Abbey Theatre’s independent assessment…you have no idea what I’m talking about do you?

Okay, little background. The Abbey Theatre was founded in Dublin in 1902 by WB Yeats and others to showcase Irish writing and culture and played an important part in fostering a sense of unique cultural Irish identity in the early twentieth century. This in turn fed into the political and military independence movements of the time which finally resulted in the creation of an Irish Free State in the twenties. This is why, from 1925 onward the Abbey became the first state-subsidised theatre in the English speaking world, a status it retains to this day (although it is not fully funded by the government and never has been). We can argue about the appropriateness of a theatre being even partially funded by the taxpayer but I would argue that this has been hugely beneficial to both parties. Firstly, the Abbey is a major part of Ireland’s reputation as a literary powerhouse; Yeats, O’Casey, Synge, Hugh Leonard, Brian Friel, Frank McGuinness, Tom Murphy, Conor McPhearson…all have worked with and been supported by the Abbey at one time or another, and this commitment to new writing continues to this day. Contrast this with the other venerable institution of the Dublin Theatre scene, the Gate, which now deals almost exclusively in either classics from the theatrical canon that can be assured of a big draw or adaptations of popular novels. That can be assured of a big draw. And that’s not a diss on the Gate, but the fact remains that in a theatre scene as small and yet as fiercely competitive as Dublin’s, there is precious little room for error for a theatre the size of the Gate. One flop could kill them, and when you’re in that situation the last thing you can afford to do is experiment. The next great Irish playwright to emerge will almost certainly emerge from the Abbey, not the Gate, because government funding allows the Abbey to take the chance on the next big thing. And I will be waiting by the phone.

“It’s for you.”
“At last!”

Now, when you receive tax-payer money there is of course a responsibility to ensure that money is being spent well. This is why Fiach MacConghail, the director of the Abbey Theatre, and the Arts Council who provide the Abbey’s funding, asked three independent experts to assess the Abbey’s productions for a year. Honest criticism is very hard to come by in the Irish theatre scene because a) you don’t want to insult someone you may be working with in a few months’ time and b) EVERYBODY KNOWS EVERYBODY. This is why the three assessors were chosen from outside Ireland, an English professor of Irish history and two theatre directors, one English and one Scottish. The resulting report was pretty tough, but then that was the point. This was supposed to be a frank, take no prisoners, tell it like it is sort of report to allow the Abbey to work on areas that needed improvement. And that would have been that. But then, enter the Irish Media…

The Irish Times requested access to the report from the Arts Council for the full report under freedom of information legislation and published the whole damn thing. Not only that, but they refused a request by Fiach to at least redact the names of the individual actors, writers and directors who came in for criticism by the panel (you can read his dignified response to the whole mess here). Which is what is known in the theatrical world as a “dick move”. It is also known as that in other worlds. And now the Irish theatre scene has basically blown up over this. People are feeling betrayed and humiliated, accusations are flying, critics of the Abbey are crowing like big massive cocks (the birds of course) and basically, in a word: DRAMA.

Now if you’ve come here for a sober and dispassionate take on all this you’ve probably come to the wrong place. I love the Abbey. I go whenever I can get a babysitter, a great many of my friends work there in one capacity or another, they trained me as a playwright for a year, have supported me as a writer for five, staged the first ever professional production of my writing on the Peacock stage. I owe these guys a lot so let me be very clear that I am in their corner here. But I’m not going to dispute or criticise the findings of the panel, who were asked to give their honest opinion and gave it. And that opinion basically boils down to: “We saw twelve plays. Four of them were awesome (though we can’t agree which ones). Five were solid. And there were three that we thought really needed to be better for a professional theatre (although again, we can’t agree which ones).” What I would dispute, however, is the implication by the Irish Times and others that these findings mean that the Abbey is not a “world class” theatre. That somehow, being one of the most historic and storied theatres in the English speaking world that has and continues to foster the best in new Irish writing means nothing unless three individuals go to twelve plays and love every single last one of them. Because theatre doesn’t work like that. No three people will ever agree on what makes a fantastic piece of theatre. I have stood in lobbies after a show cursing the two hours that I will never get back while my wife stands trembling beside me in the still lingering throes of near religious theatrical ecstasy. Some people will now genuinely, with a straight face, say that the Abbey should produce “better plays” or risk losing its funding. Okay. How will you measure that? Write down for me what makes a good play. If it’s financially successful? If it’s “ripped from the headlines” relevant to the present day? If it’s timeless in its themes and message? Creating theatre is not chemistry, it’s alchemy. It’s the fusing of a million different elements, egos, talents, words, hopes, sweat, blood, prayers, fear, madness and a huge big frothy dollop of luck and throwing it onstage and hoping something sparkles in the darkness. It is not something that can be quantified and planned and worked out to the last decimal place (and if it was I sure as hell wouldn’t want to watch it). You cannot increase the quality of Theatre Output by 30%. If there are obvious problems with the way some plays are produced then obviously that should be addressed (which was the point of the whole exercise in the first place). But no theatre can produce exceptional theatre 100% per cent of the time. That’s the whole point. It is exceptional. All any theatre can do, be it a small parish hall or the National Theatre, is to honestly and whole-heartedly work to make every piece of theatre as good as it can be. Speaking from personal experience, in the Abbey Theatre that is all they ever do. And they will make mistakes. In the words of another Irish writer who never had any sort of relationship with the Abbey because that would make this ending so much more effective, damn it: “Ever try. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

NOTE: This post originally stated that the Abbey is the only theatre in Ireland to receive public funding. This is incorrect, many theatres and theatre companies in Ireland receive some level of government subsidy. Thanks to Derbhle Crotty for the correction.

Five More Days to Request a Review!

Hi guys, as I write this Joanna is now a mere €380 short of its funding target. Thank you so much to everyone who donated. As I’ve previously mentioned, anyone who donates €10 or more can request a review of any animated movie they like and any and all support is greatly appreciated. You can donate on our Indiegogo page HERE, although I do have to remind you that because of the volume of donations we’ve received any review requested as of today won’t go up until some time early 2o15. Also, please check the exchange rate to make sure you’re not donating more than you can afford. Thanks guys, and now, if you’ll excuse me.

“There’s something down there.”

“It’s the Unshaved Mouse. He’s been following us for three days.”

signs-of-a-mouse-infestation-keyboard

“He wants to review our movie. He wants to tear it to pieces. It…calls to him.”

“It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill him when he had the ch…whoa whoa whoa back up a notch. You knew he’s been following us for three days? And you were going to tell us when?”

“…I can explain.”

“Okay.”

“High. Off. My. Ass.”

“Oh. Well that’s just terrific.”

“…”
“My God…”

“BAHIA!”

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #44: Brother Bear

Disney is proud of Atlantis. It didn’t make a lot of money, it wasn’t a huge critical success, but nonetheless they are damned proud of that movie. How do I know? Look at the DVD release. There are literally hours of behind the scenes material, concept art, excised scenes and a full visual commentary by the directors. All this is essentially the studio saying “Looking how much hard work and effort and craft went into making this film.”

The Brother Bear DVD has a commentary by two Canadian moose. Make of that what you will.

Why did no one warn me? Seriously? Why did none of you have the goddamned decency to let me know what was in store? Oh sure, you said it was bad. But there is a difference between saying “You know, trains can be dangerous if they hit you” and screaming “GET OFF THE TRACKS YOU IDIOT!!”. Hell, why didn’t Disney warn me? How could they just release this on an unsuspecting public? Okay fine, I don’t expect them to flat out say “Our movie is cinema’s answer to the Khmer Rouge” but they could at least have hinted in their marketing that some serious shit was coming our way.

Oh. My apologies.

Bad? Oh hell yes.

Worse than Dinosaur?

I…I…ohhhhh that is hard to answer. Do you take the flaming mace to the nutsack or the being forcibly fed live moray eels? Dinosaur is horribly deriviative, ugly and deathly dull. Brother Bear, at least, is only one of those (the last one). It’s not a particularly bad looking film, certainly not jaw-dropping but not an assualt on the eyes either. And I certainly would never call this movie deriviative. Dinosaur’s plot is so rote you pretty much know how it’s going to play out within five minutes. Brother Bear though? Credit where it’s due, I guess, I would not have predicated the story choices this movie makes. It certainly tries to break the mold and try something different. But…”different” is not always “good”.

Well, that’s “different”.

I honestly have never watched any Disney movie so slack jawed with utter disbelief at what I was watching. Never have I stared at the screen, silently mouthing the words “No. NO! No. No…No.”

I wanted to give you some background on this movie, what they were thinking, who thought it, what punishment was eventually meted out to them but there is nothing really. Nothing on the internet, nothing on the DVD barring the moose commentary. And no, I didn’t listen to it. I don’t owe you that. I don’t owe anyone that.

Sigh. Let’s just do this.

(more…)