A Saint Patrick’s Day Message from the Unshaved Mouse

Friends.

As is customary at this time of year I’d like to wish you all a very happy Lá Féile Pádraig, especially to those Irish who’ve had to leave their homeland, and those of Irish descent scattered to the four corners of the Earth. The Irish diaspora is vast, spread across every continent, but the ties that bind us are eternal. We are one people, one family, no matter if providence decrees that we be parted.

For centuries, Irishmen and women have taken that long voyage, travelling to far and distant lands and there they have waited.

Patiently.

I would especially like to extend my best wishes to those Irish who have managed to infiltrate key positions of power in various military departments, national governments and nuclear power plants.

To those dear departed exiles, and their families I have this heartfelt message:

OPERATION EMERALD DAWN SHALL COMMENCE IN T MINUS 10 HOURS

Yes. The time is at last upon us! Our meticulous plan to establish a massive diaspora in every nation as a prelude to world conquest finally comes to fruition! THEY SHALL BOW BEFORE US!

AR DTÚS AN DOMHAIN, AGUS ANSIN…AN DOMHAIN!!!!

Or you know, we could just do what we always do and get completely pissed and say “Oh it’s fine, we’ll just conquer the world next year.” I mean, I don’t mean to be a nag but we’ve been putting this off every year since 1762 and frankly I’m starting to think that some of you don’t even want to conquer the world! I mean, it honestly feels like I’m the only one who wants to overthrow every government on earth and force all humanity to cower beneath the boot of their freckly overlords. There, I said it. And if you’re not going to treat this seriously, maybe I won’t even celebrate Patrick’s Day with you this year.

Yeah, I’m joining the Welsh. Screw you guys.

CYMRU AM BYTH!

The Hangman’s Daughter Chapter 43

CHAPTER 43: SCORPIO AND LEO ASCENDENT

There was fifty of them all told. Cole thought to himself. Cossacks, Vikings, few pirates what have you. Tough too. This is the best that Thomas has to offer. Any one of these could give me trouble on their own, Cole thought. Not much trouble. But still, trouble. All this went through his head as he arced though the air, spinning and turning to avoid enemy fire. Sometimes Cole thought he was a Temporal. Time was gliding around him, like a swan on a lake. If you could have seen his face under the mask, it would have been as serene as a marble saint. In his mind: odds, strategies, possible outcomes ticked over and over like some wondrous mechanical beehive. And even before his first toe, of his first foot touched the ground for the first time, he knew what he had to do.

They won’t try any fancy stuff.

No pretty moves, no posturing.

They are fifty big, burly men armed to the teeth with axes, swords and whatnot.

They’ll crowd me and hack me to bits.

Got to keep moving.

He was on the ground, on his knees, braced, arms crossed, ready for the spring.

First to die: Thin, lanky character with long blonde hair. No uniform but he’s carrying a Valaska, a light, elegant axe which means he’s probably a Slovak.

He’s wiry, the weapon’s light, he’s not wearing any armour so he gets to Cole first.

Lucky him.

He’s smiling wild.

Thinks Cole’s unarmed.

Cole releases the clasp and two jagged blades shoot from his wrists.

Blondie stops smiling.

Scorpion doesn’t sting ‘till he’s ready.

(more…)

Twilight in Marketropolis (A Foodfight Tale)

Cursing under his breath, Dex Dogtective clutched his bleeding side and ran limping through the darkened streets of Marketropolis.

It was night. It was always night now.

The avenues of Marketroplis had once been filled to bursting with light and colour, the sounds of singing and laughter and the wholesome smell of high-quality brand name products. Now the city was cloaked in perpetual shadow and silence. It was a desperate kind of silence, stretched taut to breaking point. The kind of silence that comes just before the scream.

Dex tried to put the thought out of his mind and focused on the pain under his paw, a red-hot spider’s web of agony that flared with every breath. He wanted to stop running but he couldn’t. Not here. Still too close to Mouse territory.

Dex’s lip curled back in a snarl of impotent rage. Mouse territory. As if the whole damn city wasn’t his territory. As if he hadn’t already won.

Halfway down the cereal aisle the pain finally became too much and Dex almost passed out. Keep it together, he told himself. Go to sleep here and you might not wake up again. Gotta keep going, boy. Gotta keep going. Who’s a good boy? You are. You are. Yes you are.

(more…)

The Hangman’s Daughter: Chapter 42

CHAPTER 42: A FAMILY REUNION

Cole didn’t know what was more unsettling; the fact that the greens had simply vanished, abandoning him in the van, or the fact that they might come back.

Where were they?

He quickly realised that he didn’t care. Thomas was heading to the Medical Tower and he had a large head start. And no van.

“My van now, suckers.” said Cole.

The road was empty, which was good, as Cole was not entirely sure what he was doing. He had acceleration pretty much down. Braking and steering were still a work in progress.

As the medical van tore through the garbage strewn streets Cole’s mind leapt from one crisis to another: What were two young girls doing in a place like New Gomorrah? How was he supposed to get them from the Medical Tower to the Chamber without the Blue Room to guide him? Was his plan really to somehow get them from one end of a warzone to the other and hope that when they got there a dead man could save them? Was that really all he had?

The Medical Tower loomed in the windshield. He gunned the accelerator, and the Tower stubbornly refused to come any closer.

(more…)

Cats Don’t Dance (1997)

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

So I have this recurring nightmare…

Well, actually I have several recurring nightmares. You don’t live a life like mine without picking up a few ghosts in the attic. Horned King nightmares. Coachman nightmares. Foodfight nightmares. And this new one where a blue cat seems awfully mad at me for something that I can’t remember doing but I’m getting off topic.

So, in this nightmare it’s like that scene from The Untouchables where all the gangsters are having a banquet except instead of gangsters it’s movie critics. All the big critics are there and I’m sitting where Jon Lovitz did in the movie. And Al Capone (Roger Ebert) is giving the big “Teamwork” speech and then he stops in mid-sentence and he looks at me.

“You.” He says.

“Yeah boss?” I say.

“You’re a critic, huh?”

“Well…yeah.”

“What did you think of Citizen Kane?”

“Uh, never actually saw it.”

“The Godfather?”

“Sorry.”

“Before Sunset?”

“Not really into chick flicks.”

“Battleship Potemkin?”

“It’s on my list, I swear to God. I’ve seen Crash though, and that won an Oscar so that’s something right?”

And then Roger Ebert beats me to death with his Pulitzer. And then I wake up in a cold sweat screaming “I’m a fraud! A FRAUD! AND THE UNTOUCHABLES SUCKED!”

More like the “The Unwatchables” amirite?

Yeah, so I’m actually quite conscious of the fact that for someone who reviews movies I’ve seen relatively few of the Greatest Movies Ever Made. I’ve been slowly working on expanding my cinematic palette beyond animated films and computer game cut scenes however, and one of the all-time classics that I recently discovered and happily found earns its hype and then some is the 1952 musical Singin’ In the Rain. You probably don’t need me to tell you this but if by some chance you let this one slip you by then I whole-heartedly recommend you change your life and get right with God because that movie is awesome. Great songs, fantastic choreography, iconic performances and fruckin’ hilarious (I use “fruckin'” when “frickin” is too mild and “fuckin'” is too coarse). Today’s movie, Cat’s Don’t Dance has a lot in common with Singin’ in the Rain. They’re both love letters to the golden age of Hollywood and they both benefited from the talents of the great Gene Kelly, who acted as choreographer for CDD. It might sound weird for a cartoon to need a choreographer, but lemme tell ya: These cats can fruckin’ dance. And they do. In fact, this movie probably has one of the most misleading titles in cinema history, right up there with The Never Ending Story and Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.

In fairness, “Friday the 13th: There’s Gonna be 8 more of these fuckin’ things so get comfortable, folks” was never going to fit on the marquee.

This movie was part of the wave of animated features that followed in the wake of the Disney renaissance, with studios desperate to have a Lion King to call their own. CDD was produced by Turner Animation, the great American animation studio that never was. This was actually the only full length animated feature the studio ever made before Turner was merged into Time Warner but on the strength of this movie I think they could have been a serious contender. They definitely had the talent, not least of which was director Mark Dindal who later made the fantastic Emperor’s New Groove and the actually-not-so-bad-if-you-go-in-with-an-open-mind Chicken Little. Let’s take a look.

(more…)

Charity Movie Deathmatch: At last, the madness ends…

“Drop. Your. Sword.”

“Shall I dispatch him for you?”

“No, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice.”

Well, the 2015 Unshaved Mouse Charity Movie Deathmatch has finally come to a close.

Now, we must rebuild.

Huge thanks to everyone who donated (I’ll let you know how much we raised when I’ve counted everything up) and here are the four movies that will be reviewed:

3rd Place: Fievel Goes West & Secret of Nimh (tied)

2nd Place: Fritz the Cat

1st Place: Watership Down

The Hangman’s Daughter Chapter 41

CHAPTER 41: BROKEN SCORPION

Where am I? Cole wondered as he woke up. He couldn’t see.

Something was weighing down on him, covering his face and chest.

He tried to move his right arm to push it off.

When he came to again, he made a mental note that he was not to move his right arm. It felt like a dislocated shoulder (or at least, it had in that split second before his brain had shut down from the agony.)

Left arm.

He pushed the weight off and very slowly got to his feet.

He looked around (carefully, as it felt as if he’d sprained his neck).

Darkness, walls, garbage.

An alleyway.

The thing that had been lying on him had been a body. It was not, as he gazed around, the only one in evidence. In fact, the alleyway only needed a layer of earth over it to qualify as a mass grave.

Did I kill them? he wondered groggily, did I do this?

He took a step.

When he came to again, he made a mental note that his left shin had been broken and that he wasn’t to walk on it.

(more…)

The Hangman’s Daughter Chapter 40

CHAPTER 40: THE HUNT

She ran.

She didn’t think. She didn’t stop. She didn’t let her mind wander.

She ran.

“Oh come on. Let’s at least make this interesting.” said a voice in her ear.

She screamed and he was right there beside her, leaning over her shoulder as she ran. And then in an instant he was gone, flitted away leaving only the burning brand of a skull on her retinas.

Now he was standing by the side of the road.

The fleshless skull grinned unflinchingly at her as she ran past.

He was toying with her.

And when he grew bored, he would drag her back to the house and she would forget everything.

So she would have to make sure he didn’t get bored.

She shifted through space, re-emerging around thirty yards off the road to her left. Without even pausing for breath she ran into the forest.

(more…)

CHARITY MOVIE DEATHMATCH: ROUND 2!

Guys, I’m not sure we can keep doing this. I mean, the carnage we’ve seen in the last week…it gives the word “deathmatch” a bad name!

Week 2 is over and Kung Fu Panda, Maleficent and Land Before Time have all been dispatched to the big cinema in the sky. Our remaining and increasingly nervous fighters are:

Balto

An American Tail 2: Fievel Goes West

Fritz the Cat

The Secret of Nimh

The Iron Giant

Watership Down

Only YOU can save your favourite movie and ensure it gets a review by donating any sum, small or large to Love Without Boundaries and email your receipt to unshavedmouse@gmail.com along with your vote. Now let battle resume!

I love this, God help me I do.

Mary and Max (2009)

The Unshaved Mouse stared at the blank screen and tapped the keyboard lightly with one paw. His tiny brow furrowed and he twitched his whiskers anxiously. This, he knew, was going to be tough one. The movie he had to review was Mary and Max, a somewhat obscure but critically beloved Claymation film from Australia. And Mouse had not enjoyed it. Giving a bad review to a well-regarded film was always tricky, Mouse knew, as he would have to be doubly sure of every point he was making. And then there was the inconvenient fact that Mouse knew, deep down, that Mary and Max was not a bad film. So why did he dislike it? Well, he knew that one of the things that rankled him about this film was its severe over-reliance on third person…

“Who said that?” Mouse exclaimed, looking around the room in a flurry of tiny mammalian panic. The narration continued smoothly, un-phased by the protagonist’s unprofessional behaviour.

“Okay, that is really, really intrusive and needs to stop right now” said Mouse indignantly “I do my reviews first person. Quit it.”

One might have reasonably wondered what Mouse intended to do about it, as the narration continued and Mouse realised that he would just have to learn to live with it.

“You’ll get yours, buddy.” Mouse squeaked, but in his heart of hearts he knew he had already lost. And then the thought dawned on him. Why not do the review in third person? It would be a way to shake things up, to inject some new energy into the blog and perhaps attract some news readers. The latter especially merited consideration, as Mouse was well aware that his viewing figures had cratered ever since he’d stopped reviewing Disney movies.

“That was uncalled for.” Mouse whispered, his spirit at last broken.

And perhaps there was another reason to do the review in such a manner? After all, how better to demonstrate his frustration with what he saw as the movie’s biggest failing? And maybe, just maybe, reviewing the film at such a…remove, would allow him to better confront just what it was about the film that made him so uncomfortable?

He resisted the idea at first.

“No.” he said aloud “I can’t. The joke will wear thin almost immediately. They’ll hate it. They’ll eat me alive!”

He couldn’t really do it, surely?

He couldn’t review the entire movie in third person?

Could he?

(more…)