Superman 3 is probably the most reputationally fluid of all the Reeves-era Superman flicks. One and (to a lesser extent admittedly) Two are uncontested classics of the genre, Supergirl and Quest for Peace were seen as dogs when they were released and are seen as dogs now. But the third outing is where I think consensus breaks down. Some people hate it even more than Superman 4. Mad people, I suspect, gibbering loons who should not be allowed out of the house unsupervised but they are an important and influential constituency in modern affairs and we overlook their views at our peril.

Superman 3’s standing at any given moment really depends on the general public’s taste in superhero media and how tolerant they are feeling towards silliness. For this is, let us be very clear, a deeply silly film. Richard Lester, now fully in control and having banished the last vestigaes of Richard Donner’s weighty, epic solemnity is ready to give us his thesis statement on what Superman is. And his answer boils down to; “Superman is very silly”.

So, Lester decides that Superman should be funny. And, if you’re the Salkinds that doesn’t just mean getting a comic actor to join the cast. That means getting THE BIGGEST STAND UP COMIC IN AMERICA *PUFF CIGARS*.

Now, the Salkinds’ “bigger equals better” approach served them quite well in the past but here I think it came a serious cropper. Richard Pryor is, and always will be, on the Rushmore of American comedy legends but (heresy incoming) I don’t think he was a great comedic actor. He certainly isn’t in this movie, most of his schtick (and oh my Christ is there a lot of it) comes across really laboured and kinda leaden. There’s a couple of problems here. Firstly, Pryor isn’t performing his own material. He’s an actor performing someone else’s script. Second, I think the Salkinds expected Pryor to do what Bill Murray did in Ghostbusters and just do his own thing while treating the script with a kindly disregard. But here’s the thing: Richard Pryor loved Superman and treated the material with a respect that is admirable but not particularly funny. To be sure, there are parts here that I find humorous but that’s more a result of waging a war of attrition. Pryor gets a whopping half an hour of screentime, compared to around forty minutes for Superman. He is very much the deuteragonist. In fact, the very first shot of the movie is his face.

In my review of Superman I mentioned how I consider it to be the ultimate “eighties” movie but I think this might have it beat. Superman 3 opens with a black man applying for unemployment benefit and being denied because he kept getting fired for stealing and being incompetent, only for him to see an ad looking for computer programmers and immediately getting a stable and well paid job because gosh darn it the economy is just that good. That may be the most eighties thing I have ever seen.

I kid, I kid. Actually the movie’s politics are a bit more nuanced than that. Well the word “nuanced” might be more appropriate for a movie that had more than two braincells in its pretty, pretty head but a fairly major character arc in this is Gus learning that billionaires are evil weirdos who can’t be trusted and discovering a sense of class solidarity.

Anyway. Did you dislike the slapstick in Superman 2? All that guff with the roller skates and the phone booths falling over? Well, Lester has something to say to you, buddy.

The opening credits play out over one, long sustained sequence of various citizens of Metropolis getting into pratfalls that cause other pratfalls which ripple out in a never-ending Koch’s snowflake of sub-Three Stooges antics. It’s vaguely hypnotic, frankly. It culminates in Superman rescuing a guy from drowning in his car (you see he crashed into a fire hydrant after the cops accidentally shot out his tires because they were trying to stop a bank-robber who…I do not have time to recount this bullshit).

Okay, meanwhile Gus has got a job with Webscoe Industries, a tech company where he has to pass an entrance exam on a computer roughly the size of Sweden with the processing power of a turnip. Gus turns out to be a kind of idiot savant with computers, even able to make his one run TWO PROGRAMMES AT ONCE (think of it, reader!)

However, he quickly gets dissatisfied when he gets his first paycheck and gets the idea of funnelling all the unused half-cents from everyone’s pay-checks into his own, netting himself a cool 80 grand. This brings him to the attention of the head of the company, Ross Webster and us to the mystery of the missing Gene Hackman.

Since this movie came out there’s been rumours dogging it that the reason that Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane has essentially been relegated to an extra and Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor has been relegated to non-existence was because those actors were loyal to the old regime (Donner) and had to be purged. Now, in Hackman’s case at least, everyone denies this. Hackman, Lester, the Salkinds, everybody, and frankly I don’t quite know what to believe. Hackman, for example, stated that it was simply a scheduling conflict and that, in any event, he didn’t think that Lex Luthor should keep coming back for each installment as that would lessen his impact. Fair enough, but there is the matter that Webster and his girlfriend Lorelei are pretty obvious stand-ins for Lex and Miss Teschmacher. Whatever, that could just be lazy writing. But then again, Hackman did return for Superman IV, when the Salkinds were no longer involved. Something made him come back, and it sure as shit wasn’t the script.

As for Margot Kidder, she did not hold back in interviews about how she felt about Donner’s ousting but couldn’t be fired because she was contracted to appear in the sequel. The theory is that, even though they had to use her, the Salkinds had her part cut to the bone in revenge. That’s certainly plausible, but Lester insisted that the reason Lois was sidelined was that her story was basically over. She and Clark’s relationship had been explored as far as it could be which is why Superman 3 instead focuses on his relationship with Lana Lang. Which…yeah, possibly? I dunno.

Now, you may be surprised to hear that Clark and Lana are romantically involved in this movie. Wasn’t the whole point of Superman 2 Clark realising that he can’t be Superman and still be with the woman he loves? If he can’t be with Lois, why can he be with Lana? Well, you see reader, you’re forgetting something. He’s the male main character in a movie in the eighties. He’s got to have a female love interest otherwise people will think he’s…

This issue with Lana never gets brought up by the way. There’s no scene of Clark after a date wondering how long he’s going to string her along before slapping her with the old roofie kiss.

Anyway, at the Daily Planet Lois is getting ready for her holiday to Bermuda and Clark pitches Perry on a story of him going back to Smallville for his high school reunion and seeing how the old town has changed. Perry agrees, but insists that he takes Jimmy Olsen with him which means that instead of flying there in a few seconds he’s got to spend hours on a sweaty bus listening to Jimmy’s inane prattle.

It works out for the best, however, as the bus gets waylaid by a fire at a chemical plant and Clark saves the day by putting out the blaze by freezing a nearby lake and dropping it on the plant. This stops a lab full of acid from vaporising and turning into an acid cloud that would have wasted half the country. It’s a great “Superman saves the day” scene. In fact, I like most of the Smallville stuff quite a bit.

At the high school, Clark meets Lana Lang played by Annette O’Toole, who of course would later play Ma Kent in Smallville.

I’ll be honest, I hadn’t seen this movie in years and I’d completely forgotten how good O’Toole is in the role. Lana’s a very sympathetic character, a former prom queen whose king ran off and left her a single mother in a dead end town. She’s had to sell her wedding ring to pay her heating bill and the only guy who has any interest in her is Brad (asshole!), the former football star whose life peaked in high-school and now hangs around being drunk and surly and waiting for Lana to finally give up and lower her standards. O’Toole plays Lana as a sweet ditz with a good heart who (unlike Lois), actually seems to love Clark without needing him to be Superman. And look, I obviously LOVE Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane as a character but if any of my friends were being treated by their partner the way she treats Clark, I’d be sending them brochures on how to join the French Foreign Legion.

Meanwhile, in Metropolis, Gus gets called into Webster’s office and offered a deal. Webster will overlook Gus dipping his hand in the till if Gus helps him destroy the nation of Colombia. See, Webster wants control of the global coffee trade and Colombia refuses to do business with him so they must be crushed: “You know a wise man once said, I think it was Attila the Hun, ‘It is not enough that I succeed, everyone else must fail.’

I honestly don’t know how I feel about Ross Webster as a character. On the one hand, in the decades since this movie was made the archetype of “weird petty billionaire using technology he barely understands to endanger the whole world” has aged like the finest Chateau LaFite. On the other hand, as a villain he is utterly without menace. Robert Vaughan’s performance reminds me of nothing so much as Mister Fischoeder from Bob’s Burgers. That said, he does give possibly the greatest delivery of any line in this or any movie.

Anyway, to accomplish this Gus has to hack Vulcan, a US weather monitoring satellite. And he has to do this by going to a Webscoe subsidiary in Smallville. Because apparently if he does it from a computer in the main complex that’ll be traceable. Or something. It’s an obviously contrived excuse to get Gus to Smallville by the screenwriters and you must be thinking, oh, it’s so he can have Gus and Clark run into each other and no! No it’s not! I mean, they meet, technically. Clark accidentally beans Gus with a car door and apologises but that’s it. No, the real reason we have to have Gus come to Smallville is because Brad (asshole!) is the security guard at the Webscoe subsidiary so Gus has to get him drunk to get access to the terminal which means getting drunk himself and wearing this hat:

And THEN we can get a sequence of Gus trying to hack the system while blitzed off his tits and causing a plague of schtick to break out across the world. We got traffic jams, husbands thinking their wives racked up huge credit card debt and then pushing their faces into grapefruits to chastise them (this is joke?) and lastly the green man and the red man on a traffic sign coming to life and duking it out.

This is the Thor 4 problem, where instead of the humour coming from the characters and world, the world and the characters are warped to create opportunities for jokes.

Anyway, Gus finally succeeds in hacking Vulcan and unleashing a hurricane on Colombia. We then cut to see Webster, his sister Vera and Lorelei skiing on top of their Metropolis skyscraper and watching the news of the devastation in Colombia. But then…I swear I’m not making this up, Gus just comes in and tells them that Superman flew in and saved Colombia offscreen. It’s like he’s a messenger in a Shakespearean play. And, get this, we see Superman do this, but it’s in a flashback with Gus’ narration over it. So, it’s not like they ran out of money or something. It’s absolutely fucking bizarre. Anyway, Webster declares that they’ll have to destroy Superman before they can do any more villainous shenanigans and Lorelei (who’s actually a genius masquerading as a bimbo which is a weirdly common trope in Superman media) tells them about Kryptonite. So they tell Gus to use Vulcan to scan Krypton’s remains and find the chemical formula for Kryptonite. But, when one of the components is unknown he looks at his cigarette pack and enters “tar” as the missing ingredient. Which, in fairness, if you’re looking to kill somebody a packet of smokes will probably get the job done eventually.

In Smallville, Clark is getting closer to Lana and her young son Ricky. They take Ricky and some of his friends bowling and the other kids bully him for not being strong. So Clark surreptitiously uses his super breath to blow Ricky’s ball into the pins which FUCKING OBLITERATES them. And everyone’s all “Wow. That kid’s really strong” and not “Holy Fuck. How did that happen? How the fuck did that happen?” because, not to be mean, but Kansas.

Later, Ricky passes out in a wheat-field and has to be rescued by Superman before he gets chomped by a combine harvester. Ricky then tells his friends that Superman will be coming to his birthday party so Lana has to embarrassedly call Clark to see if he could possibly ask his pal Superman to fly by. Clark, because he wants to tap that he’s just a lovely guy agrees and before you know it it’s turned into a massive deal with Smallville presenting him with the freedom of the city (is it a city? it’s definitely not a city). This then leads to…this.

Gus Gorman, dressed like General Patton, gets onstage and monologues for like five goddamn hours before presenting Superman with a gift, ostensibly to thank him for stopping the chemical plant fire. Superman opens it and, oh shit, it’s glowing Kryptonite but what’s this? It doesn’t work, and Superman seems absolutely fine.

I have *checks notes* fifty million questions about this.

Firstly, what the hell is going through Superman’s mind? I mean, even if it doesn’t work his first reaction on seeing that thing would be to fling it into the sun and scream at Gus.

Second…what the hell was Gus’ plan if this actually worked? If he killed Superman? On stage? In front of hundreds of witnesses? He’s a genius, apparently.

Anyway, the Kryptonite doesn’t harm Superman but it does lead to what is, no question, the single best element of this movie; Evil Superman (and I say that as someone who is sick to the back teeth of Evil Supermen). And the reason it works is, as always, Christopher Reeve. ‘Cos it sure as hell ain’t the script. The movie’s tone is simply too light and fluffy to have Superman do anything seriously bad while under the influence of Marlboro K. In fact, the act that convinces the world that Superman’s gone rogue is when he straightens out the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Which, come on, guys. That’s not worth a blaring SUPERMAN EVIL headline. That’s a SUPERMAN KINDA AUTISTIC NOW, I GUESS? headline.

No, why Evil Superman works is down to Reeve’s performance. Just as his regular Superman seems to radiate goodness, there is just a palpable wrongness to his portrayal of Evil Superman. He has the bristling contempt for all of humanity of a really mean drunk. It’s a great performance.

With Superman effectively taken off the board, Webster has Gus hijack a computer navigation system to redirect every oil tanker in the world to the middle of the ocean in order to cause gas prices to sky rocket worldwide. But one British oil tanker captain decides that diverting course to the middle of the ocean just because a computer told him to is dumb and refuses to do so. The fact that only one man had this reaction is depressingly realistic quite frankly. So Webster has another perfectly straightforward and logical plan; dress Lorelei in a little red dress and plonk her on top of the Statue of Liberty and hope that Superman is horny enough to do whatever she asks before she freezes to death.

It works and Superman wrecks the oil tanker and creates a world historic environmental catastrophe just for some nookie and we’ve all been down bad before, let’s not judge.

Anyway, here’s something I completely forgot: Superman has sex with Lorelei. He kisses her and there’s a discreet fade to the next scene which is cinematic language for “and then they fucked every way it is possible to fuck”.

Meanwhile, Gus has designed a super-computer and wants Webster to built it for him:

Ross Webster: What will it do?

Gus Gorman: Anything I tell it.

Ross Webster: What will it do for me?

Gus Gorman: For you, it will do anything you tell me to tell it to do for you.

Which I feel is basically how every AI project gets pitched these days.

So Webster starts building a massive super computer out in the desert. Meanwhile, Lana has decided that it’s time to get out of this one-horse town and move to Metropolis like Clark suggested. She and Ricky arrive in the big city and the first thing they see is Superman staggering out of a bar like a sailor on leave.

Ricky calls after Superman telling him to snap out of it, which is all anyone who’s dealing with a massive mental health crisis needs to hear. Superman crashes into a junkyard and starts to split in two like a friggin’ amoeba. We now get the famous scene where Clark Kent and Superman fight toe to toe. And it’s probably the single best superhero fight scene that had been committed to film at that point. Pretty low bar to clear, frankly, but fair is fair, it’s light years ahead of the Superman/Zod battle in terms of the effects and the emotional stakes. It’s also a really weird scene given the movie that it’s in. It’s gritty and dark and downright nasty. Reeve really brings across just how much Evil Superman loathes Clark Kent and the feeling is definitely mutual. The fight finally ends with Clark Kent snapping his opponents neck.

Evil Superman then vanishes. I guess the implication is that this is all taking place in Clark’s mind?

Superman flies off, puts all the oil back in the oil tanker and flies off to find Lorelei. Instead he finds a message from Webster and Vera showing him where exactly they’ve built their super-computer and telling him to come and get them if he can because these people are literally too dumb to live.

Way out in the desert the Websters, Lorelei and Gus arrive to view their super computer which is basically a Bond Villain lair. Superman arrives and Webster tries shooting him down with missiles in his own personal computer game.

Superman arrives and Lorelei greets him with a cheery “hi honey!” and he responds with a curt “I don’t know you, lady”.

The Webster’s use the computer to fire a Kryptonite beam at Superman and this one actually works. Gus, realising that his job has been taken by AI, decides to switch sides and sabotages the machine. But, of course, the AI has become self aware and starts sucking up vast quantities of power and going rogue and threatening all of humanity.

Vera Webster gets captured by the computer and turned into a cyborg. This impacts the plot far, far, far, far less than you would expect.

Superman flies away and comes back with a vat of the acid from the plant that he saved before because this script runs like a Swiss clock, I tell ya. The heat from the computer causes the acid to overheat and eat the computer from the inside, destroying it and ensuring that one will ever be able to recover the search history. Vera is restored to normal (thank God, we were all so worried) and the Websters are handed over to the police.

Superman flies Gus away and asks if they can stop at a coal-mine in Appalachia and uses his strength to squeeze a lump of coal into a diamond. He then offers to fly Gus home but Gus is too terrified to get back in the air. As a final gesture of thanks for helping him defeat the robot, Superman tells the coal-miners that Gus would be perfect for any IT work they have and flies off.

And as soon as he’s gone Gus turns to the miners and basically says “yeah, there is no way in HELL I am working in a coal mine in Alabama I am getting the fuck over the Mason Dixon line and inventing crypto 25 years early. Later, honkies”.

And so the movie ends with Lois Lane returning from her vacation having toppled a corrupt Carribbean government. She compliments Clark about his story on returning to Smallville and invites him to lunch to talk about it. But he politely refuses as he says he’s already got a date. With Perry White’s new secretary. Who knows not to BAD MOUTH HER EMPLOYERS TO THE MEDIA MARGOT, I MEAN LOIS.

And then Lana Lang comes in and shows Lois the diamond ring that Clark gave her.

And ohhhhh God it begins.

***

Weird ass movie. It’s got all these different elements; the Clark/Lana lovestory, the Evil Superman plot and a science fiction story about an evil computer mixed with a mediocre Richard Pryor comedy vehicle and none of it really goes together. But, some of the elements are strong individually at least

The Man of Tomorrow

A nice change from the previous two movies is that Clark Kent is finally depicted not as an embarrassing performance that Superman must endure but as an amazing guy in his own right. He’s a well regarded journalist, a great boyfriend and a wonderful surrogate father to Lana’s son. And his relationship with Lana, even if it lacks the amazing mega-watt chemistry of Reeves and Kidder, is genuinely sweet.

Ace Reporter of the Daily Planet

Which doesn’t justify sidelining Margot Kidder like that. Fucking disgraceful.

A Great Metropolitan Newspaper

Some great Perry White and Jimmy Olsen stuff though.

Kindly Couple

Ma Kent is confirmed to have died offscreen in a single line of dialogue.

Desperate Scientists

No Jor-El, no Lara, no fortress of solitude. We do, however, learn what Kryptonite is actually made of: plutonium, tantalum, xenon, promethium, dialium (which is actually a bean), mercury and an unknown element. No kypton, ironically enough.

“With powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men!”

If we’re not counting splitting in two as a superpower (which I’m not), then the only new power we see is ice breath which Superman uses to great effect to freeze an entire lake.

FINAL SCORE OUT OF TEN:

NEXT UPDATE: 10 September 2026

NEXT TIME: You know, sometimes I can’t help but feel that Warner Bros don’t know what the hell they’re doing…