One letter away from “Penis”…

Waterford Whispers News is Ireland’s answer to The Onion, a parody news website that frequently produces satire that is often as brilliant and biting as it is poorly proof-read.

Denis O’Brien is Ireland’s answer to Rupert Murdoch. He is the wealthiest man in Ireland (or whatever tax shelter he currently rests his head). He is the owner of Communicorp which owns a total of fifty one radio stations across Europe and the Middle East, and basically every Irish radio station not run by the State. He has also substantial interests in energy and telecommunications. In 1995, he was awarded the Irish GSM mobile phone licence, as a result of his corrupt payments to now disgraced energy and communications minister Michael Lowry. He also controls Independent News and Media, an Irish media conglomerate that owns newspapers across 22 countries and owns many Irish newspapers including the Irish Independent (oh why am I not surprised?). He has used this position to quash reporting of his financial affairs in the Irish media, in one case even forcing the Sunday Independent to stop mid-press to remove a single sentence that remove a single sentence identifying him as the controlling shareholder of INM.* He has also threatened to sue media outlets who reported on remarks made in Dáil Éireann (the Irish parliament) regarding his dealings with disgraced bank Anglo Irish which were made under Dáil privilege.
So why am I even writing about him? He’s a filthy rich asshat who looks like his mother cuts his hair. World’s full of them. One even looks more and more likely to become president of the United States with every passing day.
Okay America. Stop. It's not funny anymore.

Okay America. Stop. It was funny in the beginning, but you’re taking this too far.

Well because WWN published a satirical article entitled “Denis O’Brien Receives 20 Year Jail Sentence For Mobile Phone Licence Bribe in Parallel Universe”. O’Brien’s lawyers responded thought this was so hi-larious that they threatened WWN with legal action, forcing the site to remove the post.

Clearly, this can only mean one thing.

Denis O’Brien has won. That article, the last feeble gasp of defiance against his stranglehold on the Irish media has been quashed. That article shall never be seen by anyone again, and Denis O’Brien can rest easy knowing that he has triumphed totally and utterly and oh look here’s the entire thing courtesy of Imgur…

Oh well. I’m sure that was just a once off. A glitch it the system. Surely that article will never again resurface on the internet oh lord amercy there it is again…

Oh, you know what, let’s mix things up. Here’s a picture of Denis O’Brien and the article slipping each other the tongue.

Making out

You can do so much better, article. Oh, here’s the article explaining to Denis O’Brien that these cows are small, but those cows over there are far away…

Far away

Here they are as two cats, apropos of absolutely fucking nothing.Cats

Oh, and here’s the article as Batman, smacking his plucky sidekick Denis O’Brien right in the kisser.

Batman

I could go on but they get increasingly pornographic. On the very unlikely chance that Mr O’Brien or his legal representatives are reading this, I would like to say something.

Mr O’Brien. Denis. Denny. Del Boy. Fuckface.

Free speech is, in my opinion, the single most vital freedom in any society. We can deal with any issue, problem or injustice in our nation as long as we have the freedom to debate those issues, problems and injustices. And, I’m afraid, yes. That includes you. And your massive wealth that, as is now a matter of public record, was partially derived from corruption. And it includes the malign influence you have have had on this nation’s press, media and politics. It includes the fact that you have, in the words of one foreign journalist,”wiped away the bedrock of any society claiming to be democratic”. It includes the fact that you are the cancer at the heart of our nation.

And, apparently, it includes the fact that you’ve never heard of the Streisand effect.

*Yes that’s a typo. Yes, I realise that after the crack about WWN’s proof-reading that makes me look like a tit. Yes, I’m leaving it in because I figure I need to take my lumps.

19 comments

  1. If Trump ever becomes President of the USA, how long before he and Kim Jong-Un get into a penis envy contest that somehow ends in World War III?

  2. “The Waterford Whispers is Ireland’s answer to The Onion, a parody news website that frequently produces satire that is often as brilliant and biting as it is poorly proof-read.”

    “He has used this position to quash reporting of his financial affairs in the Irish media, in one case even forcing the Sunday Independent to stop mid-press to remove a single sentence that remove a single sentence identifying him as the controlling shareholder of INM.”

    Ironic much?

  3. excellent piece. however you should proof read your own piece before you comment on WWN’s proof reading skills

  4. Uh-oh, getting on a bigshot’s bad side, huh? I bet Denis is cursing Saint Patrick that Ireland doesn’t have any snakes to sic on you for this. Though then again, Denis doesn’t have any trade connections with Australia, does he?

    Also, I object to what you said about Donald; his mother clearly would not need to waste her precious hours cutting that toupee. Speaking of him, I wonder if you can use your brilliant influence to keep him out of the White House like you did Mitt. Your trip to that alternate universe must have left you informed enough of the dangers of putting someone named Donald in a position of power.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s