So, Unshaved Mouse has been shortlisted to the final 13 and I need your help to validate my existence for another year! Below is the button for voting. It’s a one time dealy and voting ends on August 23rd. Thanks guys!
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The Devil’s Heir-Chapter 14
CHAPTER 14: THE PROMISE
“I…” he paused for dramatic effect “have a theory.”
“What is your theory, Virgil?” she asked.
He was sitting on a rocky outcrop a few hundred feet outside the city limits, staring at the glinting black
mountains in the distance that erupted from the earth like solid night.
She had her back to him, and stood bent over with a black, charred stick in her hand, writing words in the
fine grey sand.
“You may not like this theory.” he warned her.
“Oh really?” she noted, not looking up “Is it controversial?”
“All the best theories are.”
“Go on then. Shock me.”
“My theory…” he said turning and walking towards her over the outcrop, and nearly tripping over a jutting
rock “…is that you are absolutely insane.”
He stood and looked at what she had written. Words stretched off in a good thirty foot radius, variations of a
single sentence repeated over and over again.
STRANGE DAY TO GREET ANOTHER
STRANGE WAY TO SEE ONE OTHER
STRANGE GREY TO MEET OLD LOVER
STRANGE WAY TO SEAT A PLUMBER (This one had been crossed out with repeated angry strokes.)
“Really?” she said, looking up with genuine puzzlement “Why’s that?”
Virgil decided that if she had to ask the question, she was beyond help.
“You do realise.” he said “That the more you try, the less sense it makes.”
Marie gave an angry grunt and threw the stick down. She reached for the bottle of Red Marie that she had
left half buried in the sand and was about to raise it to her lips when Virgil grabbed her wrist.
“Hey.” he said “Enough for one day, day don’t you think?”
She looked at him for a second, and the nodded.
He nodded in return and let go of her wrist.
Quick as a flash, she had raised the bottle to her lips and drunk.
Takin’ a break.

Space Chimps (2008)
Never pick a fight with an Australian. Lesson. Fucking. Learned.
This one hurt, folks. Space Chimps manages to encapsulate so much of what has gone wrong with 21st century animation that I almost feel like if I burned the DVD all those sins would just evaporate as the spell was lifted. It’s awful, but it’s awful in so many different ways at once that it has inestimable value as a teaching tool. I feel like you could teach an animation course on what not to do based on this movie alone. This is the first movie by Vanguard Animation that I’ve reviewed on this blog as I’ve not had the unalloyed pleasure of viewing Valiant, Happily N’Ever After or Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back….
Sorry. When I typed that last one I felt an ice-cold shudder and had to go check that all the doors and windows are locked. Anyway, Vanguard is at the rearguard of modern American animation and was founded by John H. Williams who is, as the DVD cover is quick to remind us, one of the primates who brought us Shrek. And I have one question. What the hell is Shrek? Shrek? Sounds like an Eastern European currency. Boris bought a red cabbage and a bottle of vodka for three shrek.

Highest grossing animated film of all time you say? No, doesn’t ring a bell.
The Devil’s Heir- Chapter 12
CHAPTER 12: HOOK-HANDED COYBOY
A new recruit to Mabus’ army, fresh from some howling battlefield and now standing shivering and quaking in the presence of the king of New Gomorrah, being given the old “You stand in the belly of the beast…” speech would naturally have a great many questions.
What is this place?
Why am I here?
What should I do now?
Once the reality of his situation had sunk in, our new recruit would find himself beset by slightly more mundane questions;
Where can I find food?
Where shall I live?
Are there others like me in this city I can join for my own safety?
Can I survive here?
In time, all these questions would be answered, some more suddenly and brutally than others.
But perhaps the one question that would never be answered for most of the men and women conscripted into Mabus’ crusade was this:
What the hell is up with all the scorpions?
Why are there scorpion banners hanging from archways and nailed to walls? Why is there a scorpion on the back of every Gomorran talon? Why the Red, Blue, Black and Green Scorpions?
The answer to this, Cole knew, was no great secret. It was simply not widely known.
The reason was that when Mabus’ father, Gedi, had needed to choose a totem to represent his house, he had chosen the scorpion. The House of Gedi had been one of the smaller houses in Babilu, but still wielded a considerable amount of wealth and influence. By choosing the scorpion as his symbol Gedi was displaying to his enemies an animal that was small, but could still be lethal to much larger creatures should they be foolish enough to anger it.
To be the Golden Scorpion, Mabus had once explained to Cole, was to be the physical manifestation of the will of the House of Gedi. A shining, invincible, seemingly godlike avatar.
To be a Black Scorpion, on the other hand, meant something different entirely.
The Black Scorpions had, before their dissolution at least, acted as Mabus’ secret police. It had been their unenviable task to keep tabs on the innumerable guilds, secret societies, mobs, gangs and fraternities that had sprung up like weeds in the fertile soil of Mabus’ army. If any particular organisation seemed to be becoming a little too powerful, more often than not the leaders would be paid a visit in the night by a close friend who they had trusted implicitly, and never wake up.
But the Black Scorpions were gone now.
And it was time for something else to replace them.
“Wait here.” said Cole
Isabella looked around nervously, brushing the handle of a dagger with her thumb over and over.
The hallway, dank, dark and stinking, looked deserted. But then, in Gomorrah, it was the people you couldn’t see who were the ones to keep an eye out for. The fact that there didn’t seem to be anyone here did nothing to reassure her. Every step they had taken since leaving Mabus’ throne room to this ten storey tenement building just north of the Combat Tower, Isabella had been unable to shake the feeling that they were being followed. She glanced nervously to where Cole was dragging his finger lazily over a grimy, brown-stained wall.
“What are we doing here?” she asked, and it felt like the hundredth time.
“Ssshhh.” he whispered “Got ya.”
“What?” she turned to look at him, only to see that he had been talking to the wall, not to her.
With a low, dreary moan, the wall was sliding to one side, revealing a dark passageway.
“Let’s go.” said Cole.
They disappeared into the opening, and seconds later the wall slid shut again.
“What is this place?” Isabella whispered, her keen eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness of the room.
“Hang on. I gotta find the light switch.” said Cole, talking over his shoulder as he felt along the wall “Every tenth building in Gomorrah has one of these rooms. They’re safe houses, for any Black Scorpion who’s cover his blown and needs to lie low. He can hide out here, live off rations for weeks if he has to. There’s a weapons locker under the bed. A radio to call into the Blue Room for rescue, or just to listen in to see what’s going on outside. More importantly, only the engineers who built it, and the Scorpion assigned to it knows where his individual safe room is. And only one man in the entire city knows where all of them are.”
“Mabus?”
“If Mabus knew about this place, do you think we’d be hiding out here? Nah, I ordered these to be built, never told Mabus.”
“You knew you might need to hide from him?”
“No, actually. I just never told him. Mostly because I thought he wouldn’t care. He told me to build him a spy network, and I did it. He never really asked how. But we’ll be as safe here as anywhere. We can stay here while we look for Joriel. Then we are getting out of here, and we are not even stopping to shake the dust off our shoes. There you are…”
His hand touched the light switch and the room was thrown into a sickly green haze.
Cole turned and froze.
“Oh you’re smart Joe. Got it all planned out. But let me ask you this: How fast are you?”
Isabella’s eyes stared at him, terrified, over the arm that was wrapped across her face. The silver muzzle of a Colt single action Army was pressed to her neck.
And the eyes that stared at Cole over her shoulder were as pitiless as they were desperate.
Cole almost burst out laughing. Of all the safe houses in the city, he had chosen the one containing New Gomorrah’s most wanted citizen; Ezekiel Holtz, the man who had raised the riot with Thomas, and shot Mabus himself. For a mad second, Cole considered how capturing Holtz might just be enough to put himself back in Mabus’ good graces. But he dismissed the idea almost as soon as it came to him. They were getting out. That was the end of it. At least, they were if could convince Holtz to let Isabella go.
“Hi Holtz.” said Cole as nonchalantly as he could.
The Devil’s Heir- Chapter 11
CHAPTER 11: THE CONQUEST OF MABUS
Groethuis was halfway through explaining exactly how the God-killer worked when Mabus raised his hand to silence him.
“Master?” said Groethuis, looking up from the schematics he had spread across the table like a treasure map.
“That will be all today, Doctor. You may finish tomorrow.”
“As you wish, Master.”
“Can the weapon be fired?”
“It is primed and ready.”
“Good. We may get precious little warning.”
“Master, if I may ask…”
“That will be all, Doctor.”
Sensing that Mabus was close to simply vanishing him out of the throne room with a thought, and without much consideration as to whether he reappeared on the ground or a hundred feet above it, Groethuis gathered up his papers and left without another word.
Mabus silently rested in his throne for a full two minutes.
Finally, he rose to his feet and opened the door to his private bedroom.
He already knew, indeed had known from the second he had raised his hand to silence Groethuis, what he would find there.
“Ave Mabus.” said the figure who was now sitting in his chair with his legs crossed nonchalantly over the table.
“What do you want?” Mabus asked.
“Why do you think I’m here?” the second Mabus asked.
Mabus studied his double. A horrific, skeletal figure draped in sack-like skin and with the barest, mist-thin wreathing of grey hair here and there. And those terrible, milky pale eyeballs, nestling in cavernous sockets like terrible pearls in some ancient shell. Since he had no memory of this meeting, this Mabus was from his future, not his past. But how far in the future? Impossible to say. Even back in the living world, Mabus had been aged as much as a person could be aged. He could not look older if he tried. And here in Hell, no one aged anyway, making it doubly pointless. This Mabus could be from ten seconds in the future, or ten million years.
“To warn me?” Mabus asked.
The second Mabus opened his mouth to let the pale lips slip over his teeth, the closest he could come to a grin.
“To give you a little helping hand.” he said “The hard part’s coming. I think you know to what I refer?”
“But I do win? We win?”
“Well that’s up to you, isn’t it?”
Am I truly this insufferably smug? Mabus asked himself.
“Yes.” said his double.
Walked into that one, I suppose, Mabus thought.
“Yes you did.” said the second Mabus, again with the awful skull grin.
“Get to the point.” Mabus snapped irritably “What do I have to do?”
“Here.” said the double, passing a roll of yellowing paper across the table to him.
“What is this?” Mabus asked him, unfurling it, his eyes adjusting to the script. Ancient Greek. He tried a few words as an appetiser, long disused parts of his brain flickering into life at the taste of them.
“The Conquest of Mabus.” said his twin “It’s a poem, written by one of your soldiers. It commemorates your glorious victory.”
“Why give it to me?”
“Because it’ll tell you everything you need to do. And it’s good for your ego. Enjoy.”
Mabus simply nodded. He didn’t bother thanking himself. What was the point?
His double vanished, and Mabus unfurled the scroll and began to read.
Catching up on the Devil’s Heir
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry. It’s taken a ridiculously long time for me to do this and I can only apologise. Anyway. Regular updates of new chapters of The Devil’s Heir will resume starting next Thursday and Chapter 11 is up now. In the meantime, here is a master list of all the chapters of the Hangman’s Daughter/Devil’s Heir just in case any one wants to get caught up or has forgotten where we were (and I could hardly blame you if you have).
The Hangman’s Daughter
Chapter 18
The Devil’s Heir
Huge thanks to my brother Eamonn for all his help. You’re a legend, dude.
Fritz the Cat (1972)

“Heeey everyone.”

“Oh look guys, it’s Spouse of Mouse!”


“Heeey everyone. I was just hoping we could have a little chat before Mouse starts the review. Just us.”

“I know you all think it’s really funny that you got Mouse to review Fritz the Cat. I’m sure you’re all having a big laugh. “Ha” you might say, and also “Ha.”

“But here’s the thing. This movie messed him up so badly that I don’t know if he’ll ever recover. And I’m a simple mouse who lives by a simple rule: You hurt the ones I love?”

“I WILL FUCK YOUR FUCKING SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK UP. IF YOU EVER PULL ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN THERE IS NOWHERE YOU CAN HIDE. PAIN? I WILL MAKE YOU LONG FOR SOMETHING AS SWEET AS PAIN.”

“’Kay? Enjoy the review.”
***

“Mouse, relax. You’re going crazy over there, man.”

“YOU WEREN’T THERE, MAN!”

Trust me, just be glad it’s Minnie and not Pluto.


“This review ain’t NSFW for nothin’ baby.”
“We’re sort of like a team. “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” type thing.”
Superhero teams have been around for almost as long as there have been superhero comics, with the first, the Justice Society of America, debuting in 1940. Since then they’ve been a staple of the genre and for good reason. They give editors a place to test out new characters that can be spun off into their own books if readers take a liking to them and there’s simply more stories you can tell with a large group than you can when you’re focused on a single hero. One character’s not working out? Simply kill him off and replace him and the book carries on unaffected, much like the earth will keep turning inexorably after your inevitable death (wow, where did that come from, Mouse?). In fact, it’s pretty much a cast-iron rule that where you have superheroes, you will have superhero teams. My point is, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby did many ground-breaking, ingenious and innovative things with the comic book medium during their partnership in the sixties, but inventing the Avengers was not one of them. Once they had created a certain number of superheroes, putting them all in the one book was about as inevitable as the tides. And to be honest…that kinda shows. When you read those old comics you can tell when Stan and Jack were really invested and bringing their A-game to a book (Fantastic Four, Thor, Silver Surfer) and when they were kinda phoning it in (Daredevil, X-Men and the Avengers). Even the name is half-assed. The first issue literally ends with the heroes standing around and saying “What should we call ourselves?” “The…avengers?” “Sure, let’s go with that.” Like, they literally just went with the generic place-holder superhero team name.
If the creation of the Avengers comic book was unremarkable and by-the -numbers, though, the movie was anything but. In fact, I’m pretty sure future movie historians will be looking back at this as the start of something entirely new. Whether that’s a good thing or not remains to be seen but regardless, this movie is a big effing deal. For the first time, audiences were expected to go to a movie that shared continuity, characters and plot with four separate pre-existing series of movies. This was something on a scale that the film industry had simply never seen before.
And, be honest, you kinda thought it would suck. Didn’t you?
Didn’t you?
C’mon. Be honest. You thought it was going to suck. You can say it.

“Yeah…”

“SEIZE HER!”
Seriously though, the reaction to this movie was damn near euphoric but part of that just had to have been due to the fact that Marvel had even pulled it off. The fact that it was simply something you could point to and say “Yup, that’s a movie.” was in and of itself something to Marvel at (I ain’t ashamed). Four years later, though, when every studio and their mother is trying to ape Marvel’s shared universe concept, does it still hold up as anything other than a well-executed gimmick? Is it even a good movie in its own right? Does it have what noted film-maker Jackie Treehorn called the “little extras”?

“Story? Production values? Feelings?”
Let’s take a look.
Unshaved Mouseketeers Assemble!
Hey guys, so you know how everyone is always saying how women in Saudi Arabia have it so easy? Yeah, they don’t say that, and there’s a reason. Longtime readers of the blog already know my friend Sahar and her blog Saharcasm.

“Good title.”
Sahar has just been shortlisted for the Philadelphia Creativity for a Cause contest. As well as making sweet, sweet, delicious cheese, Philadelphia is offering to fund a business idea to improve the lives of people in the middle east. So what’s Sahar got in mind? I’ll let her explain it in her own words:
“If I win, (when I win – let’s stay positive!) I will get the mentorship and support to put my business idea to life. I want to focus on an English club for ladies in the Middle East. After living in KSA for 17 months, working as an English teacher, I have realised that it can be very difficult for women to survive. THERE IS NOTHING TO DO.
There were days where I almost went mad with boredom and I’m seeing a lot of the same from various online communities. I want to offer ladies English lessons, new mommy classes, book clubs, public speaking courses, microsoft word/excel/powerpoint course, halaqa, art & crafts, and so much more. The education system in KSA for the most part does not include any extra curricular activities so for some ladies it will be the first time they ever did anything like this. We don’t have a service like this in KSA, and anything even a little bit similar doesn’t cater specifically to the needs of the women involved. (Nurses struggling to keep up in an English speaking environment? Unemployed women without a college education who want to enter the work force?) They’re all just thrown together and given a standard course – it just doesn’t work!
I want to bring this service to the women in Saudi Arabia that really need it. I will be fighting constraints that hindered their education in the past such as – transport, childcare, timing, commitment, and cost so anyone can avail of the service. I’ve met these women, I know what they need, and they are some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life. There’s so much potential, it’s time to tap into it…”
This is a fantastic cause and I really want to help Sahar pull this off, so if you’ve got a second, please click on this link log in with your Facebook account and give her a vote. Thanks guys.

