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The Hangman’s Daughter- Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2: THE THIEF

It was exactly nine months two days and ten hours later when Marie learned that her father was not a soup maker. She was sitting on a wall on the outskirts of the village, watching horses galloping in the sun, as polished and brown as chestnuts. Marie had decided long ago that she was going to be a horse when she grew up. Perched with her on the wall were Olivia and Sylvie, and the three sat so close together that Olivia’s jet black hair ran off her shoulder and intermingled with Marie’s red, whereas on Marie’s opposite side Sylvie’s nut brown tresses mixed with her own. Four feet further down the wall, in compliance with the unspoken rule, sat Bernadette-who-smelt-of-cack. It had often seemed a shame to Marie that Bernadette always had to keep a distance, which she did amicably and without bitterness, because on the whole she preferred Bernadette to the other two. Olivia could bully and be patronising, and Sylvie had a tendency to be sullen, but Bernadette was very sweet tempered and pleasant to be with.
Just not too closely.

(more…)

Want to help me write a book? Sure ya do!

Hi guys. So most of you already know that when I’m not yelling at sassy maps on the internet I write plays and comics. But once, a long time ago, I had notions. I aspired to be a novelist. Around a decade ago I started work on an epic fantasy trilogy called TheHangman’s Daughter. It’s about a young girl living in medieval France named Marie. Marie is not like other girls. She can see angels and demons, and she can control the flow of time around her. Her father is the village hangman, and one terrible night he is killed by the son of a man he executed. Marie is then taken in by a woman named Mariana, who tells her that she is a Temporal Adept, one of a small group of people with a natural ability to travel through time. Marie becomes embroiled in a war between the other Temporals and a man named Mabus, the most powerful Temporal of all who is marshalling an army of soldiers from across all of space and time to conquer and invade hell and so forestall his own inevitable damnation.

It’s a big, epic fantasy story with a cast of hundreds that spans nations, past, present, future, earth, heaven, purgatory and hell.

So what happened? Well, I finished the first book, got close to the end of the second, realised that the first one didn’t work with what I was trying to do with the second, rewrote the first, ended up doing a lot of damage and basically…I gave up. I started writing for stage a lot more, life got a whole lot more complicated and eventually the time and energy I was spending on the book just wasn’t justifiable and I ended up putting it to one side for a few years. But it’s always been nagging me in the back of my mind. There’s too much good stuff in there, too much work and effort, too many characters I worked really hard on, to just give up on it.

So, here’s what I’m thinking…

Starting from next week I’m going to be serialising the Hangman’s Daughter every second week between reviews. If you’re not interested in reading, that’s absolutely fine. Don’t worry about it. But if it sounds like something you’d be interested in, I’d really like to get a conversation going on what works, what doesn’t, what should be changed etc. Basically I’m just looking for feedback and maybe some inspiration to get me excited about writing this thing again. Please be (constructively) brutal. I started writing this when I was still technically a teenager and believe me, in places it will show. And don’t worry, this is not going to effect the regular review schedule, I’ve got enough material to keep us going for years.

I look forward to hearing what you think,

Mouse out.

Disney Reviews with Unshaved Mouse #46: Chicken Little

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

“WE WANT BLOOD!”
“WE WANT BLOOD!”

“Guys, that crowd is getting pretty nasty. Has he started reviewing it yet?”

“Nah man. He just watched it and now he’s just sitting there not doing any damn thang.”

“What?! Mouse, cmon! Snap out of it!”

“…”

"I told you it was too soon! I told we couldnt expect to review so soon after Foodfight! I TOLD YOU ALL! "

“I told you! I told you we couldn’t expect to review another movie so soon, after…that…other movie. I TOLD YOU ALL! “

"SHUT UP! Mouse, listen to me! You've kept them waiting too long, if you don't review this movie we're going to be killed by hardcore Disney fans!"

“SHUT UP! Mouse, listen to me! You’ve kept them waiting too long, if you don’t tear this movie apart they’re going to kill us all!”

“I…can’t…”

“I knew it! He’s too traumatised! Why din’t you listen to me?! Making him watch that piece of shit so soon after Foodfight…”

“NYAAAAAARRGGHHH!”

“Sorry, sorry, my bad.”

“BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!”

“Listen dawg. Ain’t no thang. Just go out there and tell them that the movie was a piece of shit and then you never have to see it again.”

“That’s not the problem. I…I liked it.”

"Oh Jesus. That's it everybody, run for your lives. Latin America, you run out and create a distraction."

“Oh Jesus. That’s it everybody, run for your lives. Latin America, you go out and create a distraction.”

“Sure thing…heeeeey, wait a minute!”

“What?”

“That’s a “diversion”, not a “distraction” silly.”

“Aw, you’re so smart. Now get going! We’ll rendezvous in the afterlife. Let’s go Mouse. You packin’ Asia?”

“You know it. Let’s murder some bitches.”

“No. It’s alright. I’ll go and talk to them.”

***

Okay. Well. No point beating around the bush. Time to take my punishment like a mouse. Here goes.

ATTENTION INTERNET! CHICKEN LITTLE IS NOT THAT BAD! I REPEAT! CHICKEN LITTLE IS NOT THAT BAD! PLEASE ADJUST YOUR OPINIONS ON THE BADNESS OF CHICKEN LITTLE ACCORDINGLY!

DINOSAUR REMAINS SHIT!

THAT IS ALL!

“…”

“Um…hello?”

“I think they’re paralysed with rage, boss.”

“Ah. How long before they recover and tear me limb from limb like wet tissue paper?”

“Eight, nine minutes?”

Okay. Better make this quick.

(more…)

Walt Disney Reviews Foodfight!

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is the property of the Walt Disney Corporation. The Walt Disney Corporation reserves the right to protect its copyrighted material from any and all infringement. Violators will be shot and fed to the shareholders. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

“Mouse! Mouse! Where are you!”

“Walt!? What are you doing?! Get out of here while you still can!”

“My God, it’s even worse than I imagined. The animation…so awful…the characters…so…ugly…”

“Disney. You came.”

“Huh. I had a feeling the Horned King wasn’t smart enough to pull something like this off. You must be the man behind the man.”

“Indeed.”

“Well played.”

“Thank you.”

“It was you…”

“Obviously.”

“But then how?”

“Don’t you see?”

“Ah. Brilliant.”

“So you understand?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Then there’s no reason for me to explain.”

“Of course not. It’s simplicity itself. You’d have to be an idiot not to understand.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your witness.”

“It was I who resurrected the Horned King, you furry fool. I who suggested to him that he trap you in this movie.”

“Why? What did I ever do to you?”

“You? My poor deluded Mouse. This was never about YOU. I did all this to get HIM here.”

“Why? Who are you?”

“Someone who owes you a lifetime of torment. Someone who has suffered at your hands like no other. Someone whose desire for revenge burns like the fire of a thousand white hot suns.”

“That could literally be anyone. Care to narrow it down for me?”

“P.L. Travers maybe?”

“Ooh! Good guess! Pamela, is that you?”

“NO I AM NOT PAMELA TRAVERS! NOW REVIEW THE MOVIE! REVIEW…AND DIE!”

The origins of Foodfight are shrouded in mystery and occultation. It is said to have been the creation of “Larry Kasanoff”, a figure who appears in Arab folklore as a wandering trickster and teller of evil tales. Legend has it that Kasanoff was entranced by Pixar’s Toy Story, and tried to make his own version set in a supermarket, with corporate mascots instead of beloved toys. He approached the masters and lords of coproate America and with honeyed words filled their hearts with greed. “My Lords” he said “Think of it, a film that was an advertisement. Two hours of product placement made for little, impressionable children. Is it not glorious?” And, so, the story goes, they agreed to let Kasanoff use their mascots for his diabolical scheme. For many long years he toiled at his black work, suffering many setbacks. Indeed, his early work was stolen in what Kasanoff called “industrial espionage” but what we can only call “true heroism”. This forced Kasanoff to start again from scratch. Whoever that nameless thief was, we must thank him for seeking to spare us this monstrosity, even if ultimately his work was for nothing.

Many Bothans died trying to stop this movie.

Then again, this is all supposition. Perhaps there never was a “Larry Kasanoff”. We may never know who created Foodfight! Maybe it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that it exists. I am Walter Elias Disney, The Doom of Bahia, Master of the Black Mouse and defender of this world. And today, at last, I know fear. Today, I review Foodfight!

(more…)

Cars 2 (2011)

Previously on Unshaved Mouse:

Transformed into a rodent at a young age because of his inability to appreciate Beauty and the Beast by Walt Disney (who, as well as being the most influential figure in American animation, the legendary entrepreneur behind Disneyland and an icon of the twentieth century is ALSO a half mad immortal warlock with a broom fixation), the Unshaved Mouse began a quest to review all of the Disney animated canon classics. However, he strayed from the path destiny had set out for him and began reviewing non-Disney films which allowed for his arch-nemesis, the Horned King to be resurrected. Masquerading as the Mouse’s psychiatrist, Doctor Ernst Fiedelman, the Horned King has used his hypnotic powers to force the Mouse to review Pixar’s legendarily not-so-great Cars movies. And now you know why this blog gets a mention on TV Tropes’ “Continuity Lockout” page. Now read on!

“Hey Europe, do you think Mouse is alright? He’s been in there a long time.”

“HEY! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HEEEEEEELP!”

“Do you hear that?”

“Oh no, Mouse is screaming like a lunatic. How unusual. Get back to work!”

“Yeah. He does scream a lot.”

Do it Mouse! Review the movie!

Look…

How about you just kill me? Seriously? What’s with all this faffing around? You’re obviously going to do it anyway, just do it. Why do you need me to review movies for you? It just seems like such an inefficient…

NOW.

No one expected a sequel to Cars. After that movie came out is was as if, as a society, we agreed to pretend that it wasn’t that bad. Critics tutted and wrote “must try harder” before giving the thing a passing grade and hoping that this was just a fluke. It was, we told ourselves, not a portent of things to come. Pixar had just stumbled a little. It was fine. We would forgive and forget. As long as they did not do that again. That was the deal. And as time went on, it seemed our faith was rewarded; Ratatouille, Wall-E, Up and Toy Story 3 put paid to any rumours of a Pixar decline. Decline? Are you kidding me? Those guys were better than ever! And then, one terrible day, we woke to a world with Cars 2 in it where once no Cars 2 had been.

We had a DEAL, you whimsical motherfuckers.

So…how did we get to this point? How is it that what is universally recognised as the worst original Pixar movie has spawned a sequel, with another in the works and a spinoff which in turn has its own sequel in the works. Why is this thing, for want of a better word metastasizing?

Because they can’t stop. They’re making too much money off it now. Bob Iger announced Cars 3 at Disney’s shareholders meeting to assure them that yes, they will keep doing the thing that makes the money happen. And I don’t begrudge them making a profit off their work. Not a bit. And I certainly don’t have a problem with licensed merchandise (can I gauge interest in “LAZY BASTARD KOOKABURRAS” T-Shirts?). But when you start making movies just to sell the toys, you might as well just change your name to Filmation and call it a day.

They began making ads, they will end making ads. And so the circle of life continues.

(more…)

Cars (2006)

“Sigh.”

“You seem depressed Mouse. What is troubling you?”

“Doctor? Do you ever get…urges?”

“Ah. Well, at last we are coming to the heart of the matter.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your inability to come to terms with your sexuality is the root cause of all your psychoses. This is great progress. Tell me about the fish.”

“What? No, no. It’s not that.”

“Well, back to square ein.”

“For the last few weeks I’ve been having these insane urges to review Cars. But I hate that movie. I hate it so much.”

“And how does this make you feel?”

“I don’t know. Guilty, maybe?”

“Why guilty?”

“Because deep down I know there are movies that are much worse, movies that I even enjoy. But I hate this movie more than all of them and maybe it’s just not as bad as I remember.”

“And why do you think that?”

“Well, because it’s Pixar! I mean, it can’t be that bad, right?”

“Mouse, our course is clear. Your subconscious is telling you to review this movie with an open mind. Come. Let us begin. I shall be with you every step of the way.”

“Siiiiiiiiiigh.”

What am I doing? The first Pixar movie I review on this blog and it’s Cars. That’s like finally deciding to see what all the fuss is about this James Bond guy and watching Die Another Day. A question I get asked a lot on this blog is “Why don’t you review the Pixar movies?” and the simple answer is they’re just too good. The canon Disney movies have a nice mix of classics, forgotten gems and duds to keep things interesting. But Pixar’s record of quality is just so high that I honestly think I’d struggle to keep the reviews varied and interesting. Except for Cars. I’ve always hated Cars. I’m always LOATHED Cars. But that’s just based on one viewing of it years ago and I’d like to think I’ve matured a lot as a connoisseur of animation since those days. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I judged it too harshly as so many of you in the comments keep telling me?

Maybe hell has frozen over? Maybe pigs can soar, soar like the mighty eagle?

Alright, so a little background. Cars was released in 2006, after The Incredibles and before Ratatouille. It was directed by John Lasseter himself and Joe Ranft, who died before the movie was released in a car accident, ironically enough.

“That’s not what “irony”means!”

Oh Nit. “Irony” doesn’t actually mean anything, it’s just a word people say.

A version of this story was knocking around Pixar as early as the completion of A Bug’s Life in 1998, and it was originally about an electric car in a world of gas guzzlers. As time went on it got postponed and reworked before finally getting released as Cars eight years later. And if that sounds like a long development time, remember that Disney is still releasing movies based on ideas they were toying with in the frickin’ forties.

Coming Summer 2034.

Because Cars merchandise basically conjures money from the ether for Disney/Pixar, it’s viewed by some fans as a sell-out movie, a vulgar cashgrab. That’s…probably unfair. From what I’ve read, for Lasseter Cars was a genuine labour of love, combining his two greatest passions, cars and animation. Well, as we’ve already established here on Unshaved Mouse, nothing works better than taking two things you love and merging them together in an ungodly fusion to appall both God and man.

Pictured: Cars.

Let’s take a look at the movie.

(more…)

The Saga Ends…

I’ve been remiss in my duties I’m afraid. Due to me actually (gasp!) writing over the last few weeks I’ve not been updating episodes of the Goo like I’d planned. So here are the final two episodes.

Episode 4 is HERE, and Episode 5 is HERE. Please watch, share and tell your friends. It’s a great series and plus, Dave’s a mate and I owe him for that time he saved me from a rabid banshee.

And now, for the last time, please read your nationality appropriate recommendation.

For Non-Irish Readers

As we enter the penultimate and final installments of the Goo, this towering work has so many questions yet to answer. Will Dave and Jonesy manage to escape the deathtrap that addiction has built around them? Will they emerge from this ordeal with even the barest trace of their humanity intact? Will they finally discover the identity of the mysterious Yellow King? But perhaps that’s not the point. The Goo is not about providing easy answers. The Goo is about the questions that we must ask oursevles. The Goo is the mirror held up to our faces, our own unblinking reflection staring back at us, always questioning. Can you meet its gaze?

Can any of us?

For Irish Readers

Sound.

Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010)

There’s a little game I like to play called The Mark Hamill Game. It goes like this, you spend your entire life waiting for someone to say something like “Tch. Mark Hamill, what a has-been” or “Wow. Bet he thought Star Wars was going to be a career maker for him, more like a career breaker amirite?” and then, get this, you punch that person repeatedly in the face. It’s a fun game, and also it provides a useful service to society. Mark Hamill is not a has-been. Mark Hamill is one of the most talented, respected and lauded voice actors currently working in the industry, an actor who combines astonishing versatility and a real flair for mimicry with a wonderfully energetic and intense performance style. And by far his greatest role was his absolutely revolutionary turn as Batman’s arch nemesis the Joker in the seminal Batman: The Animated Series. Now…millenials like myself tend to gush about this show to the point that if you sat down to watch it based on our recommendation you might be expecting something like Saturday morning Miyazaki. And, at the risk of a storm of screeching Batfans descending from the stalactite studded cave roof of the internet…it wasn’t perfect. It was, no question, a very, very good cartoon. Possibly the best cartoon series until that point. But the quality varied wildly in terms of animation and writing. Partially this was because the animation was done by more than one animation studio, some vastly more adept than others. And also, the show took its time to decide whether it was just a cartoon for kids or something more mature. It’s great, I’m not disputing that, but…not every episode was Heart of Ice. Some of them were Batman’s in my Basement. You know what was perfect though? Mark Hamill’s Joker. Hilarious, crazed and utterly terrifying. To fans in the know, the greatest Joker was not Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson or even Heath Ledger. It was Mark Hamill.

He’s not in Batman: Under the Red Hood.

As well as Hamill, BTAS also had one of the all time great Batman/Bruce Wayne performances (admittedly that’s a slightly lower bar to clear). Kevin Conroy’s Batman for many fans (including me) was the absolute sweet spot for this character that has had an incredibly broad spectrum of portrayals over his nearly 75 year history.

Same guy. Really.

Conroy’s Batman is grim but compassionate. Hyper competent but not infallible. Intimidating but not a monster. Often brutal but not a cop-killing, kidnapping, ableist, potty-mouthed psychopath.

No. No you are not.

Conroy’s not in this either.

So understand, when Warner Bros announced that they would be releasing a straight to DVD animated Batman film that would not star either Conroy or Hamill, long considered irreplaceable, expectations were not high. I remember reading one commenter who essentially said “What ever they want? Pay them. If they’re not free? Wait. And if they just don’t want to do it? Don’t make the movie.” You could say that the very positive response Under the Red Hood would finally receive was partially due to low expectations but I don’t think so. This, to me, personally, is the best Batman movie ever made. I don’t mean that it’s the best movie to feature Batman in it.

Nope.

There ya go.

No, you know what? I can’t even joke about that.

Logically I know that Dark Knight is an absolute masterpiece. But as a Batman story, as a story that actually tells us something new and interesting about Bruce Wayne, as a story that actually makes him the focus I think URH has the edge. Why is it so good? Let’s take a look. To the Mousemobile!

(more…)

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #45: Home on the Range

“I now call this meeting of the United Foes of the Unshaved Mouse to order. Roll call! Comrade Crow!”

“Here.”

“Charlie McCarthy.”

“Here.”

“The Unscrupulous Mouse.”

“Here.”

“Taran_Wanderer_2”

“Here.”

“Fans of Beauty and the Beast“

“HERE!”

“Fans of Dinosaur.”

“….here.”

“Chairman Emeritus His Vileness the Horned King.”

I abide eternally.

“And the Avian Avatar of Avarice….THE PENGUIN!”

“Waugh! Waugh! Waugh! Excellent gentlemen! Excellent!”

Gentlemen. Ladies. Assorted vermin. You know why I have summoned you all here.

“I gotta question, Horny. Why are we holding meetings when the Mouse is still breathing? Why don’t we just take him out now?”

“Silence you over-varnished fool! Don’t you understand that an enemy like Batman can’t be defeated by mere brute strength? We have to…I think I might be in the wrong meeting.”

“Yeah. I think you’re across the hall.”

“Forgive me gentlemen.”

McCarthy. I would advise you to hold your tongue. Or I shall hold it for you.

“C’mon! Lets kill the Mouse!”

Fool. We’re not going to kill the Unshaved Mouse.

“We’re not?”

“Sorry, I think I might be in the wrong meeting too…”

No. We are not going to kill him. After all, there are things so much worse than death. I have devised a fate so heinous for the Unshaved Mouse that it can scarcely be believed. But it requires finesse, and patience.

“What is the plan, tovarich?”

First I will implant a hypnotic suggestion in the Mouse’s subconscious. Disney’s manipulations of him have left him uniquely suceptible to this. I intend to strike when he is at his weakest. His most vulnerable. His most…despairing.

First I will implant a hypnotic suggestion in the Mouse’s subconscious. Disney’s manipulations of him have left him uniquely susceptible to this. I intend to strike when he is at his weakest. His most vulnerable. His most…despairing.

***

AAAAAAARRRRHHHH…

YAAAAAAAAAARGGH…

BLEEEEEEECHHHHHHHH…

Alright, you know what? Before I can even approach this one I have got to rant about the poster. The goddamn poster! That’s how much suck we have to get through here.

“Bust a Moo?”

BUST A MOO?!!!!

WHAT THE FLAGELLATING FINICKY FLIPPING FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!???

FIND ME WHO CAME UP WITH THAT! I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING! FIND ME WHO WROTE THAT TAGLINE SO THAT I CAN PSYCHICALLY KILL THEM WITH PURE HATRED! DO IT NOW!

“Mouse. Calm down. Your friends are worried about you.”

“We’re worried. Yes.”

Sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry but…oh God that poster. That poster pretty much encapsulates the whole problem with this movie. Just this weird, desperate attempt to be hip and funny that fails so badly you’re not even sure if that’s what they were going for. It’s one thing to come last in a race. It’s another to come last because you were pushing a bobsled on the track. One just means you were bad. The other is being so inept it’s hard for an outside observer to be sure that you were even trying to win. Like all the real turkeys in the Disney canon, details on Home on the Range’s origins are hard to come by. Wikipedia, TV Tropes and IMDb are pretty light on facts and presumably only God and Michael Eisner know where the bodies are buried. I do know that Home on the Range started pre-production all the way back in 1995, that it was once going to be called Sweating Bullets and that the premise was at one point that a young calf named Bullets taking on a gang of ghost cattle rustlers called The Willies. Yeah, so this thing was always going to suck, basically. There is no universe where this movie turned out well.

How bad is it?

Come. Let us gaze upon the carnage…

(more…)

Check these guys out!

Two friends of mine, Dave Fleming and Stephen “yer man from Love/Hate” Jones, have launched a new online comedy series called The Goo and the first episode is up and running and can be viewed HERE. New episodes will be going up every Monday and I’ll be posting links on the blog. It’s brilliant and you should absolutely check it out and like it and share it. However, how you experience The Goo will really depend on whether or not you’re Irish so I have prepared two recommendations for the Goo. If you’re reading this outside of Ireland, please skip to the next paragraph.

For Irish Viewers:

Right lads, so two mates of mine have put up the first episode of their new comedy series The Goo on the You Tube yoke. It’s bleedin’ deadly and tells the story of two lads out on the lash and all the hilarious hijinx and various shenanigans that ensure therefrom. Give it a look and spread the word if you like it and if you don’t you can feck off and anyway.

For Non-Irish Viewers:

The Goo is a harsh and unflinching look at the scourge of alcoholism in modern Irish society. Watch as Dave and Jonesy decent deeper and deeper into substance dependence, moral and spiritual degradation and finally madness. Please like and share this essential document of the greatest and most enduring scourge of the Irish nation. The world needs to see this. Thank you, and God bless.

Thanks guys, and go on The Goo.