Know how you know you’ve made it?
The money?
Nah.
The respect?
Please.
The legions of adoring fans?
No. You know you’ve made it when there’s fanart of you on the internet.
Thanks to LadyAquanine, this is both very cool and quite possibly the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.
In other news, Erik’s audio reviews for Song of the South and Fun and Fancy Free are now up. Enjoy!
CHAPTER 3: THE MASK
She had run home after the hanging, tears burning in her eyes like lime, her chest trying to wrestle breaths between sobs. But when she got home, the house was empty. She wandered the three rooms, hers, her father’s and the kitchen again and again, hoping that he would leap from behind some nook or cranny, or slide out from behind a picture on the wall. She could not accept that he was not here, in this moment when she needed him as she never had before.
She was still young.
CHAPTER 2: THE THIEF
It was exactly nine months two days and ten hours later when Marie learned that her father was not a soup maker. She was sitting on a wall on the outskirts of the village, watching horses galloping in the sun, as polished and brown as chestnuts. Marie had decided long ago that she was going to be a horse when she grew up. Perched with her on the wall were Olivia and Sylvie, and the three sat so close together that Olivia’s jet black hair ran off her shoulder and intermingled with Marie’s red, whereas on Marie’s opposite side Sylvie’s nut brown tresses mixed with her own. Four feet further down the wall, in compliance with the unspoken rule, sat Bernadette-who-smelt-of-cack. It had often seemed a shame to Marie that Bernadette always had to keep a distance, which she did amicably and without bitterness, because on the whole she preferred Bernadette to the other two. Olivia could bully and be patronising, and Sylvie had a tendency to be sullen, but Bernadette was very sweet tempered and pleasant to be with.
Just not too closely.
Hi guys, okay, so firstly thanks so much for all your kind words and support. I honestly expected to announce this to the world to deafening silence and maybe a polite cough in the darkness, so the fact that so many of you have said you’re willing to follow this story means the world to me. So, starting from today I’m going to be posting one chapter every Thursday that’s not a review day. But to get the ball rolling I thought I’d do three chapters so that we can actually get pretty far into the story and establish the setting and a few of the main characters, particularly Marie and Luke, the daughter and the hangman (seeing as they are kinda important). Alright, so, here we go.
Aaaaaand…deep breath.
(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)
“WE WANT BLOOD!”
“WE WANT BLOOD!”
“Guys, that crowd is getting pretty nasty. Has he started reviewing it yet?”
“Nah man. He just watched it and now he’s just sitting there not doing any damn thang.”
“What?! Mouse, cmon! Snap out of it!”
“…”
“I told you! I told you we couldn’t expect to review another movie so soon, after…that…other movie. I TOLD YOU ALL! “
“SHUT UP! Mouse, listen to me! You’ve kept them waiting too long, if you don’t tear this movie apart they’re going to kill us all!”
“I…can’t…”
“I knew it! He’s too traumatised! Why din’t you listen to me?! Making him watch that piece of shit so soon after Foodfight…”
“NYAAAAAARRGGHHH!”
“Sorry, sorry, my bad.”
“BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!”
“Listen dawg. Ain’t no thang. Just go out there and tell them that the movie was a piece of shit and then you never have to see it again.”
“That’s not the problem. I…I liked it.”
“Oh Jesus. That’s it everybody, run for your lives. Latin America, you go out and create a distraction.”
“Sure thing…heeeeey, wait a minute!”
“What?”
“That’s a “diversion”, not a “distraction” silly.”
“Aw, you’re so smart. Now get going! We’ll rendezvous in the afterlife. Let’s go Mouse. You packin’ Asia?”
“You know it. Let’s murder some bitches.”
“No. It’s alright. I’ll go and talk to them.”
***
Okay. Well. No point beating around the bush. Time to take my punishment like a mouse. Here goes.
ATTENTION INTERNET! CHICKEN LITTLE IS NOT THAT BAD! I REPEAT! CHICKEN LITTLE IS NOT THAT BAD! PLEASE ADJUST YOUR OPINIONS ON THE BADNESS OF CHICKEN LITTLE ACCORDINGLY!
DINOSAUR REMAINS SHIT!
THAT IS ALL!
“…”
“Um…hello?”
“I think they’re paralysed with rage, boss.”
“Ah. How long before they recover and tear me limb from limb like wet tissue paper?”
“Eight, nine minutes?”
Okay. Better make this quick.
(DISCLAIMER: This blog is the property of the Walt Disney Corporation. The Walt Disney Corporation reserves the right to protect its copyrighted material from any and all infringement. Violators will be shot and fed to the shareholders. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)
“Mouse! Mouse! Where are you!”
“Walt!? What are you doing?! Get out of here while you still can!”
“My God, it’s even worse than I imagined. The animation…so awful…the characters…so…ugly…”
“Disney. You came.”
“Huh. I had a feeling the Horned King wasn’t smart enough to pull something like this off. You must be the man behind the man.”
“Indeed.”
“Well played.”
“Thank you.”
“It was you…”
“Obviously.”
“But then how?”
“Don’t you see?”
“Ah. Brilliant.”
“So you understand?”
“Of course.”
“Good. Then there’s no reason for me to explain.”
“Of course not. It’s simplicity itself. You’d have to be an idiot not to understand.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your witness.”
“It was I who resurrected the Horned King, you furry fool. I who suggested to him that he trap you in this movie.”
“Why? What did I ever do to you?”
“You? My poor deluded Mouse. This was never about YOU. I did all this to get HIM here.”
“Why? Who are you?”
“Someone who owes you a lifetime of torment. Someone who has suffered at your hands like no other. Someone whose desire for revenge burns like the fire of a thousand white hot suns.”
“That could literally be anyone. Care to narrow it down for me?”
“P.L. Travers maybe?”
“Ooh! Good guess! Pamela, is that you?”
“NO I AM NOT PAMELA TRAVERS! NOW REVIEW THE MOVIE! REVIEW…AND DIE!”
Many Bothans died trying to stop this movie.
(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)
“Hey Europe, do you think Mouse is alright? He’s been in there a long time.”
“HEY! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HEEEEEEELP!”
“Do you hear that?”
“Oh no, Mouse is screaming like a lunatic. How unusual. Get back to work!”
“Yeah. He does scream a lot.”
Do it Mouse! Review the movie!
Look…
How about you just kill me? Seriously? What’s with all this faffing around? You’re obviously going to do it anyway, just do it. Why do you need me to review movies for you? It just seems like such an inefficient…
NOW.
No one expected a sequel to Cars. After that movie came out is was as if, as a society, we agreed to pretend that it wasn’t that bad. Critics tutted and wrote “must try harder” before giving the thing a passing grade and hoping that this was just a fluke. It was, we told ourselves, not a portent of things to come. Pixar had just stumbled a little. It was fine. We would forgive and forget. As long as they did not do that again. That was the deal. And as time went on, it seemed our faith was rewarded; Ratatouille, Wall-E, Up and Toy Story 3 put paid to any rumours of a Pixar decline. Decline? Are you kidding me? Those guys were better than ever! And then, one terrible day, we woke to a world with Cars 2 in it where once no Cars 2 had been.
We had a DEAL, you whimsical motherfuckers.
So…how did we get to this point? How is it that what is universally recognised as the worst original Pixar movie has spawned a sequel, with another in the works and a spinoff which in turn has its own sequel in the works. Why is this thing, for want of a better word metastasizing?
Because they can’t stop. They’re making too much money off it now. Bob Iger announced Cars 3 at Disney’s shareholders meeting to assure them that yes, they will keep doing the thing that makes the money happen. And I don’t begrudge them making a profit off their work. Not a bit. And I certainly don’t have a problem with licensed merchandise (can I gauge interest in “LAZY BASTARD KOOKABURRAS” T-Shirts?). But when you start making movies just to sell the toys, you might as well just change your name to Filmation and call it a day.
They began making ads, they will end making ads. And so the circle of life continues.
America, I love you. I do. Love your movies, your music, the powdered wigs of your founding fathers and I have never met an American who was not a thoroughly decent skin. But this TMZ shit has got to stop. Seriously, you guys need to cut that out.
So if you can’t see the video, it basically consists of the barking seals of TMZ expressing shock and disbelief that Jay-Z and Beyonce were able to take their daughter for a walk in the Phoenix Park in Dublin without getting mobbed. Clearly, the only reason could be (and yeah, the gobshite who suggests this in the video does seem to be Irish himself) was because these poor potato munchers didn’t know who my man Hove and Queen B actually are. Not because, you know, hassling celebrities when they’re out with their kids is kind of a shitty thing to do. No clearly there’s something wrong with us. Like, as a nation. But worry not, TMZ has not given up on us and even envisions that we may actually know who they are in “fifteen years or so”.
I was going to do a big lengthy response to this but I seem to have gone blind with rage. But fortunately, the guys at Collegetimes.com summed it up perfectly. Enjoy.
(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)
“Sigh.”
“You seem depressed Mouse. What is troubling you?”
“Doctor? Do you ever get…urges?”
“Ah. Well, at last we are coming to the heart of the matter.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your inability to come to terms with your sexuality is the root cause of all your psychoses. This is great progress. Tell me about the fish.”
“What? No, no. It’s not that.”
“Well, back to square ein.”
“For the last few weeks I’ve been having these insane urges to review Cars. But I hate that movie. I hate it so much.”
“And how does this make you feel?”
“I don’t know. Guilty, maybe?”
“Why guilty?”
“Because deep down I know there are movies that are much worse, movies that I even enjoy. But I hate this movie more than all of them and maybe it’s just not as bad as I remember.”
“And why do you think that?”
“Well, because it’s Pixar! I mean, it can’t be that bad, right?”
“Mouse, our course is clear. Your subconscious is telling you to review this movie with an open mind. Come. Let us begin. I shall be with you every step of the way.”
“Siiiiiiiiiigh.”
Maybe hell has frozen over? Maybe pigs can soar, soar like the mighty eagle?
“That’s not what “irony”means!”
Oh Nit. “Irony” doesn’t actually mean anything, it’s just a word people say.
Coming Summer 2034.
unshavedmouse 