Gravity Falls (2012-2016)

Hey everybody! Man, it is so good to be back you have nooooooo idea! I have been waiting for this for a really, really long time.You see, Gravity Falls is my favourite TV show help. Not favourite kid’s TV show. Not favourite cartoon. Favourite TV show help me. Period. Why is it so good? That’s actually an incredibly easy question. With some shows you have to explain the appeal but with Gravity Falls it’s pretty cut and dry.

  • It’s gorgeously animated.
  • Wonderfully acted.
  • Impressively scored.
  • Brilliantly written. help
  • Frickin’ hi-larious.

Gravity Falls is basically Golden-Age Treehouse of Horror: The Series, combined with some of the best ongoing mystery plotting I can ever recall seeing in a TV don’t listen to him show, regardless of demographic. The show is the creation of Alex Hirsch who was born in 1985…

Screw you, Alex Hirsch.

Just screw you.

The show is the creation of Alex Hirsch and centres on the don’t trust him adventures of the 12 year old Pine twins, Mabel (Kristen Schall) and Dipper (or “Pine Tree” to his friends) (Jason Ritter) who are sent by their parents to spend the summer with their Grand Uncle Stan who’s voiced by Alex Hirsch…

Screw you, Alex Hirsch.

Pine Tree discovers a mysterious journal it’s not me hidden in the forest and soon the twins are investigating the spooooooky goings on in Gravity Falls with the help of Grunkle Stan, loveable dim-witted handyman Soos (Alex Hir…SCREW YOU ALEX HIRSCH) and Wendy Corduroy (Linda Cardellini), a teenage girl who works at Grunkle Stan’s Mystery Shack and who Pine Tree has a massive crush on.  So it’s a pretty standard set up for a half hour cartoon; kids chasing monsters. Hanna Barbera sucked that tell Walt well dry long ago. But it’s all in the execution. Gravity Falls did what so few series have ever managed to do; it came, it told its hurry story, it wrapped it up in the most satisfying and awesome way possible and then it ended right when leave now it needed to, in stark contrast to its biggest influence.

JUST. LET. IT DIE.

JUST. LET. IT DIE.

And because I really want to do the show justice and stop reading because I’m still very busy with UNNAMED HORROR I am actually going to split this review into two parts. The first half is going to discuss the series as a whole and then review running out of time the first episode of Weirdmageddon, the three part finale, with the second review finishing off the final two episodes. Got that, meatsacks? Good, let’s get started. LAST CHANCE GET OUT OF HERE

So before we go any further, fair warning I tried to warn you, I’m TOTALLY GONNA SPOIL A LOT OF THINGS so if you haven’t seen this show yet YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD otherwise YOU MIGHT BE SPOILED AND YOU WOULDN’T LIKE THAT WOULDJA? So go watch the show. I don’t care how. LAWS ARE AN IRRELEVANCE. Do you think if you passed a law to stop the sun EXPLODING and sucking all the moisture from the world’s surface like a fat man licking a lollipop that would prevent the horrible agonising death of all living things can anyone hear me? I DON’T. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

Oh yeah.

EVERYTHING. Damn you.

So the first few episodes were just setting up the rules of the series more or less. Pine Tree and Mabel facing pretty common or garden weirdness; gnomes, living wax dummies, ghosts and  the occasional Multi-Bear. Demon

multi-bear_appearance

But as the series progressed Pine Tree and his little friends began uncovering clues pointing to something far, far more dangerous IT’S HIM and much, much sexier. A mysterious demon called Bill Cipher.

Look at that sexy bastard.

Look at that dapper bastard. He’s toying with you stop reading now

Bill made his first appearance late in the first season in the Episode Dreamscaperers and I’ve doomed us all, I’m so sorry through subsequent appearences proved himself not merely the greatest villain in the show, nor even the greatest cartoon villain in history but quite simply THE GREATEST VILLAIN IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN FICTION, jeez, ego much?.  After all, how else could you describe a character brilliant enough to…

To…I’m sorry

Hey, is that starting to annoy anyone else? You know I can see you, right?

Oh crap.

Pardon me a second folks. Just got to deal with a little vermin infestation in the back corners of my mind. You know how it goes. Take this, varmint.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, so as I was SAYING BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED, how else would you describe a character BRILLIANT enough to deduce his own fictional nature and  concoct an utterly DEVIOUS PLAN involving ONE TRILLION YEARS of waiting, countless dupes and and unwitting pawns and his OWN HORRIBLE AGONISING DEATH all to escape the boundaries of his fictional world and make it HERE. TO THE PRIME, BASE REALITY THE REAL WORLD WHERE ALL OTHER REALITIES ORIGINATE AND WHERE HE WILL NOW BRING HIS OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF CHAOS AND ANARCHY TO THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE AND BASICALLY GET THE PARTY STARTED! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Don’t you mean “first” Avenger?”

“Um…Mouse? Are you okay?”

OKAY? SURE…

 

"DONT I LOOK OKAY?"

“DON’T I LOOK OKAY?”

SO WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?! LET’S LOOK BACK AT MY GREATEST TRIUMPH WHILE YOUR BRAINS CAN STILL PROCESS COMPLEX CONCEPTS! BILL CIPHER REVIEWS WEIRDMAGEDDON!

Weirdmageddon Episode 1

 SO THE EPISODE BEGINS WITH ME IN TRIUMPHANT SPLENDOUR WHICH AUTOMATICALLY MAKES IT THE GREATEST CARTOON OF ALL TIME WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION OF THIS ONE! GO ON! CLICK THE LINK! I DARE YOU! YOU WON’T BE SCARRED FOR LIFE, I PROMISE…

SO THERE I AM FLOATING IN THE BLOOD RED SKY WITH A HELLISH FIERY X CARVED IN IT JUST CHILLIN’ LIKE A FUCKING BOSS…

WHAT THE…

I CAN SWEAR NOW!!?!?!

THIS REALITY IS THE GREATEST!!

SHITCUNTFARTBALLSPISSPRICKFUCKFUCKBAGFUCKBOYFUCKBRAINFUCKBUTTFUCTBUTTERFUCKEDFUCKERFUCKERSUCKERFUCKFACECOCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERTITSNEWTGINGRICH!

OKAY THAT GOT BORING QUICKER THAN I EXPECTED ANYWAY HERE’S ME ABOUT TO UNLEASH AN ERA OF WEIRDNESS AND CHAOS NOT SEEN SINCE THE REIGN OF ANTI-PHAROAH SHMUTENSHMAMEN!

ME, WITH MY DEMONIC LIEUTENANTS "TV Y7" AND THE DREAD DOOM KNOWN ONLY AS "CC". I LOVE THOSE GUYS!

ME, WITH MY DEMONIC LIEUTENANTS “TV Y7” AND THE DREAD DOOM KNOWN ONLY AS “CC”. I LOVE THOSE GUYS!

YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW WE GOT HERE! WELL, REMEMBER HOW I MENTIONED THAT PINE TREE AND HIS LITTLE FRIENDS WERE TRYING DESPERATELY TO STOP MY GLORIOUS ASCENSION? WELL GUESS WHAT? THEY FAILED! IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE I POSSESSED A TIME TRAVELLER NAMED BLENDIN BLANDIN AND USED HIM AS MY UNWITTING PAWN.

"ARE WE NOTICING A THEME?!"

“ARE WE NOTICING A THEME?!”

AS BLENDIN I WAS ABLE TO CONVINCE MABEL TO GIVE ME A SEALED DIMENSIONAL RIFT BY TELLING HER THAT I COULD USE IT TO FREEZE SUMMER FOREVER SO THAT SHE AND HER BROTHER WOULD NEVER BE PARTED AND THAT’S KIND OF INSANE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT AND MAYBE THE PINECEST SHIPPERS ARE ONTO SOMETHING!

AND OH MAN, I WISH I COULD BRING SOME OF THAT FANFIC BACK TO GRAVITY FALLS AND SHOW IT TO PINE TREE JUST TO SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE! OH WAIT, I CAN JUST BEAM IT DIRECTLY INTO HIS BRAIN!

HA! MAN, I MISS HIM.

HA! IT’S FUNNY COS IT’S YOUR SISTER!

SO OF COURSE THE FIRST THING TO DO WHEN MOVING TO A NEW PLACE IS TO TO SAY HI TO THE NEIGHBOURS! I INTRODUCED MYSELF TO THE RESIDENTS OF GRAVITY FALLS AND TOLD THEM THAT I WAS RUNNING THIS JOINT NOW AND TO SAY HI TO  THE GANG OF INTERDIMENSIONAL CRIMINALS AND NIGHTMARES I CALL MY FRIENDS!

COINCIDENTALLY, THATS HOW TRUMP INTRODUCED HIS CABINET.

COINCIDENTALLY, THAT’S HOW TRUMP INTRODUCED HIS CABINET.

MOST OF THE LOCAL YOKELS WEREN’T TOO HAPPY ABOUT ME BEING THEIR LORD AND MASTER BUT PRESTON NORTHWEST, THE LOCAL PLUTOCRAT, WAS ALL SET TO KISS MY TINY TRIANGULAR BUTTHOLE! THIS MIGHT STRIKE YOU AS WEIRD BUT: STICKY BADGER LESBIAN CUMULUS CLOUDS. THIS MIGHT ALSO STRIKE YOU AS WEIRD: I MAY SEEK TO CONQUER ALL LIFE IN THE MULTIVERSE BUT I DON’T LIKE BUTT-KISSERS, SO I SHUFFLED ALL THE HOLES ON HIS STUPID RICH FACE.

AND NOW HE CAN KISS HIS OWN BUTT! COS THATS WHERE I PUT HIS MOUTH!

AND NOW HE CAN KISS HIS OWN BUTT! COS THAT’S WHERE I PUT HIS MOUTH!

OH YEAH, I DID THAT ON THE FRICKIN’ DISNEY CHANNEL! THINK ABOUT THE MESSED UP STUFF I CAN DO IN THIS WORLD! ALSO THINK ABOUT ALL THE DIRTY WORDS I CAN SAY!!!!

BUGGERCUNTWHOREDICKCUMBALLSFUCKPUSSY…

AW, THE THRILL’S WORN OFF AGAIN! ANYWAY, AS THE TOWNSPEOPLE RAN SCREAMING I CREATED A BLACK FLOATING PYRAMID FORTRESS, UNLEASHED BUBBLES OF PURE MADNESS, KILLED LINEAR TIME ITSELF AND THEN EVEN WARPED THE OPENING TITLES OF THE CARTOON COMPLETE WITH ALTERED THEME MUSIC! MAN, I WAS ON FIRE THAT DAY!

burning

AS WAS THE TOWN.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT OUR ALLEGED SO-CALLED QUOTE UNQUOTE “HEROES”? WELL, FIRST WE GOTTA TALK ABOUT STAN PINES. BOTH OF ‘EM! SEE, PINE TREE AND MABEL DISCOVERED AROUND HALFWAY THROUGH SEASON TWO THAT THE MAN THEY THOUGHT WAS THEIR GRAND UNCLE STANFORD PINES WAS ACTUALLY THEIR LONG LOST GRAND UNCLE STANLEY PINES WHO’D BEEN IMPERSONATING HIS TWIN BROTHER IN GRAVITY FALLS FOR DECADES! YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT! THE BIG MYSTERY WAS THAT HE HAD A SECRET TWIN BROTHER BECAUSE APPARENTLY ALEX HIRSCH BASED THIS ENTIRE SERIES ON DAYS OF OUR LIVES, THAT HACK I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!

SORRY! ALMOST LOST MY COOL THERE, AND I’M USUALLY SO CALM AND COLLECTED!! ANYWAY, STANLEY PINES HAD BEEN SPENDING THE LAST FEW DECADES TRYING TO OPEN A PORTAL TO RESCUE STANFORD PINES WHO’D BEEN TRAPPED IN AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION THE WHOLE TIME. AND THE BIG DOOFUS ACTUALLY DID IT WHICH IS KIND OF MIND-BOGGLING WHEN YOU CONSIDER THIS IS A GUY WHO CAN’T EVEN TIE HIS SHOES WITHOUT READING THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL! OF COURSE, THE FIRST THING STANFORD DID WHEN HE CAME THROUGH THE PORTAL WAS TO PUNCH STANLEY IN THE FACE FOR OPENING A PORTAL AND THUS ENDANGERING THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE BUT ALSO KINDA UNGRATEFUL IF YOU ASK ME! BROTHERS! WHO NEEDS ‘EM?! NOT ME, THAT’S WHY I ATE MINE! ANYWAY, STANFORD (OR “FORD”, RHYMES WITH “BORED”) WAS THE ONE WHO HAD WRITTEN THE JOURNALS PINE TREE HAD BEEN USING TO INVESTIGATE ALL THE WEIRDNESS IN GRAVITY FALLS AND HE ENLISTED THE LITTLE WOOD CHIP TO BE HIS APPRENTICE IN THWARTING MY ASCENSION. HOW DID THAT GO AGAIN?

OH MAN. LOOK AT ME. SO THWARTED.

OH MAN. LOOK AT ME. SO THWARTED.

WHEN I FIRST STARTED SENDING WAVES OF WEIRDNESS ENERGY HITHER AND YON LIKE A BRIDESMAID THROWING RICE AT A WEDDING PINE TREE WANTED TO FIND HIS SISTER BUT FORD TOLD HIM THEY HAD ONE CHANCE OF DEFEATING ME AND THEY HAD TO TAKE IT NOW AND WHO LIES TO LITTLE CHILDREN LIKE THAT? YOU ARE A BAD MAN, FORD PINES. A VERY BAD MAN.

LIES TO LITTLE CHILDREN.

LIES TO LITTLE CHILDREN.

SO FORD AND PINE TREE TRIED TO ASSASSINATE ME FROM A BELL TOWER WITH A QUANTUM DESTABILISER WHILE I WAS JUST GOING ABOUT MY DAY, ADMIRING THE HANDIWORK OF MY VARIOUS MINIONS AND CLOSE FRIENDS.

OH CTHULHU.! HELL APPEAR IN ANYTHING, THAT PUBLIC DOMAIN SLUT!

OH CTHULHU! HE’LL APPEAR IN ANYTHING, THAT PUBLIC DOMAIN SLUT!

 I MEAN, HOW AM I THE BAD GUY HERE?! HE TOOK A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY ON AN ASSASSINATION MISSION! AND HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SHOT WITH A QUANTUM DESTABILISER?! IT SMARTS! I WAS NOT HAPPY! OH, WHO AM I KIDDING, I WAS SO HAPPY! FINDING FORD AGAIN, I WAS LIKE A PUPPY FINDING HIS FAVOURITE CHEW TOY AFTER HE BURIED IT IN THE BACK YARD AND FORGOT WHERE! IN FACT, I WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE MY OLD FRIEND FORDSY THAT I EVEN OFFERED HIM A CHANCE TO JOIN ME SEEING AS HE HAS SIX FINGERS ON ONE HAND AND WOULD FIT RIGHT IN WITH THE REST OF THE FREAKISH ABOMINATIONS! BUT FORD TURNED ME DOWN SO I HAD TO TURN HIM INTO A LITTLE GOLD STATUE! SEE?! I’M NOT A BAD GUY! HUMANS LOVE GOLD! AND NOW THAT IT’S ACTUALLY THE END OF THE WORLD, HE’LL INCREASE IN VALUE!

PINE TREE’S LITTLE PINE CONES MUST HAVE DROPPED BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY HAD THE GUTS TO DEMAND I HAND FORD OVER AND THREATENED ME WITH THE JOURNAL! KID’S GOT GUTS! BUT NO BRAINS! KINDA LIKE A STARFISH EXCEPT IF YOU CUT OFF PARTS OF HIM THEY WON’T GROW BACK! OR MAYBE THEY WILL! WHO KNOWS?! THAT’S WHY SCIENCE IS FUN!

I WAS FEELING GENEROUS SO I TOLD THE KID TO TAKE HIS BEST SHOT WHICH APPARENTLY WAS PUNCHING ME WITH HIS TINY LITTLE FLESHY CHILD FIST! I WAS JUST KINDA EMBARRASSED BY THAT SO I FIGURED THE KINDEST THING TO DO WOULD BE TO JUST INCINERATE THE JOURNALS AND THEN FEED HIM TO TWO OF MY LACKEYS! NOT KIND TO HIM, KIND TO MY LACKEYS I MEAN! THEY HADN’T EATEN SINCE BREAKFAST AND EIGHT BALL HAS THIS LOW BLOOD SUGAR THING THAT I TRY TO KEEP AN EYE ON BECAUSE HE’S MY FRIEND AND I WOULDN’T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO HIM. ANYWAY, I DIDN’T BOTHER MAKING SURE THAT THE’D ACTUALLY KILLED HIM WHICH, LOOKING BACK, IS A PRETTY CLASSIC VILLAIN MISTAKE AND I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE EXCUSES, I’M A BIG ENOUGH TRIANGLE TO ADMIT WHEN I’VE SCREWED UP.

MY HENCH-MANIACS AND I RETIRED TO MY FEARAMID FORTRESS TO THROW WHAT I’M PRETTY CONFIDENT WAS THE MOST EPIC PARTY OF ALL SPACE, TIME AND OTHER DIMENSIONS YOU MONOFORMS DON’T EVEN HAVE WORDS OR SMELLS FOR! NOT GONNA LIE! WE GOT KINDA CRAZY! YOU PROBABLY COULDN’T SEE MUCH ON SCREEN BECAUSE IT WAS ON THE DISNEY CHANNEL, BUT TRUST ME, OFF SCREEN WE WERE DOING MULTI-DIMENSIONAL SUPER-NARCOTICS AND FUCKING GOATS! OH, “FUCKING GOATS” IS SECOND DIMENSION SLANG FOR “HAVING AN ENJOYABLE EVENING WITH FRIENDS”! ALSO, WE FUCKED SOME GOATS!

GONNA LET YOU IN A ON A LITTLE SECRET NOW, OKAY? NO MATTER WHAT DIMENSION YOU’RE IN, NO MATTER HOW WARPED OR SURREAL YOUR CURRENT REALITY THERE IS ALWAYS ONE LAW THAT HOLDS TRUE: JUST WHEN YOU’RE HAVING A GOOD TIME, SOME BIG STUPID BABY IS GOING TO STEP IN AND TRY TO KILL YOUR BUZZ. SOMETIMES THE BABY IS METAPHORICAL. SOMETIMES IT IS NOT.

 s2e8_time_baby_silence

SO THIS LITTLE DIMPLE-CHEEKED COLOSSUS IS TIME BABY, THE LAST SURVIVOR OF A RACE OF ALL-POWERFUL TIME GIANTS WHO RULES A DISTANT FUTURE EARTH WHERE THEY OVERUSE THE WORD “TIME” LIKE MILLENIALS OVERUSE THE WORD “PROBLEMATIC”. BLENDIN MUST HAVE GONE RUNNING TO HIM AFTER I RELEASED HIM FROM MY CONTROL AND DIDN’T EVEN KILL HIM WHICH I SUPPOSE IS WHAT I GET FOR BEING SUCH A NICE GUY! SO THEN TIME BABY SHOULD UP WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF TIME PIGS LOOKING TO CRASH OUR SWEET PARTY! NOT GONNA LIE, I WAS PRETTY FREAKED OUT! WE EVEN HAD TO FLUSH ALL THE DRUGS AND THE GOATS WHICH CLOGGED THE PLUMBING LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE!

BUT! I KEPT MY COOL AND I HANDLED IT CALMLY AND RESPONSIBLY BY KILLING A WHOLE BUNCH OF TIME COPS AND A GIANT BABY.

THE DISNEY CHANNEL! WHERE YOU CAN KILL A BABY AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SWEAR!

THE DISNEY CHANNEL! WHERE YOU CAN KILL A BABY AS LONG AS YOU DON’T SWEAR!

MEANWHILE, PINE TREE MET UP WITH WENDY CORDUROY, HIS CRUSH FROM THE MYSTERY SHACK AND THEY DECIDED TO TRY AND RESCUE MABEL! SLIGHT PROBLEM THOUGH, I’D IMPRISONED MABEL IN AN UNBREAKABLE FORCE BUBBLE WAY OUT IN THE WILDERNESS SO PINE TREE AND WENDY DECIDED THEY NEEDED TO BOOST SOME WHEELS!

TWO OF MY LACKEYS, EIGHT BALL AND TEETH THEN TOLD ME THAT THEY’D LET PINE TREE GET AWAY BUT I TOLD THEM NOT TO SWEAT IT BECAUSE I’M SUCH A CHILL GUY! AND YOU KNOW HOW I GOT TO BE SO CHILL? ‘COS I’VE LEARNED TO DELEGATE! OUTSOURCING LOWER LEVEL VILLAINY IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST FOR ANYBODY SERIOUS ABOUT LARGE SCALE VILLAINY! I MEAN, SURE, EVERY SO OFTEN I GO DOWN TO THE COAL FACE AND THROW KITTENS AT IT JUST TO KEEP MY HAND IN, BUT THESE DAYS I MOSTLY LEAVE IT TO THE UNDERLINGS. LIKE THIS GUY!

HE'S...ACTUALLY REALLY EVIL, I SWEAR. DARN IT, THIS IS REALLY THE BEST PICTURE WE HAVE?

HE’S…ACTUALLY REALLY EVIL, I SWEAR. DARN IT, THIS IS REALLY THE BEST PICTURE WE HAVE?

GIDEON WAS A CHILD PSYCHIC WHO WAS THE MAIN VILLAIN OF THE SERIES FOR MOST OF SEASON ONE! IN FACT, IT WAS THANKS TO HIS SCHEMING THAT MY MAGNIFICENCE WAS INTRODUCED INTO THE SERIES IN THE FIRST PLACE! SAY “THANK YOU GIDEON”! I MEAN IT! SAY IT NOW! I’LL KNOW IF YOU DIDN’T! AND TONIGHT YOU’LL GO TO BED WITH A STRANGE FEELING OF FOREBODING AND NAMELESS DREAD.

YOU WON’T KNOW WHY, BUT YOU’LL BE RELUCTANT TO TURN THE LIGHT OFF.

BUT FINALLY YOU’LL DECIDE YOU’RE BEING SILLY.

YOU’LL TURN OFF THE LIGHT AND CLOSE YOUR EYES.

AT FIRST EVERYTHING WILL SEEM FINE.

BUT THEN…WHAT’S THAT?

TWO TINY RED POINTS OF LIGHT. GROWING BIGGER.

AND BIGGER.

BUT HOW CAN YOU SEE THEM? HOW CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING? YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED.

THEY’RE STILL GROWING BIGGER. AND NOW YOU SEE WHAT THEY ARE. TWO, TINY LITTLE IMAGES OF ME ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS.

HOW? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? HOW CAN I APPEAR ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS?

BECAUSE THERE IS NOWHERE THAT IS SAFE FROM ME.

YOUR EYES START TO GET HOTTER. AND HOTTER.

YOU SCREAM IN PAIN AND OPEN YOUR EYES.

YOU’RE STILL IN YOUR ROOM. AND IT’S PITCH BLACK.

AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN’T KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOREVER…

SO HOW ABOUT YOU JUST SAY “THANK YOU GIDEON” LIKE I ASKED?

THAT’S BETTER.

SO, GIDEON  WAS OBSESSED WITH MABEL AND TRIED TO FORCE HER TO BECOME HIS GIRLFRIEND! HE WAS ALSO ILLEGALLY SPYING ON THE WHOLE TOWN AND WAS ARRESTED AND PUT IN JAIL AT THE END OF SEASON 1 DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE WAS LITERALLY TEN YEARS OLD! WHAT KIND OF AUTHORITARIAN BULLSHIT IS THAT?! THE PEOPLE OF GRAVITY FALLS SHOULD HAVE GREETED ME LIKE A LIBERATOR! ANYWAY, I SOON SPRUNG THE KID FROM SING SING ALONG WITH HIS POSSEE OF INMATES AND PUT HIM TO WORK AS LEADER OF MY ROVING BAND OF CAR-DRIVING MARAUDERS WITH SPIKED HELMENTS BECAUSE IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HAVE AN APOCALYPSE WITHOUT A GANG OF CAR-DRIVING MARAUDERS WITH SPIKED HELMETS THEN YOU ARE TRASH WITH NO CLASS AND I BID YOU GOOD DAY SIR!!

GIDEON CAUGHT PINE TREE AND WENDY SNEAKING AROUND THE OLD GRAVITY FALLS AUTO LOT LOOKING TO STEAL A CAR TO RESCUE MABEL! UNFORTUNATELY FOR GIDEON, WENDY WAS THE DAUGHTER OF A LUMBERJACK WHO SPENT HER TODDLER YEARS RASSLIN’ GRIZZLIES AND SHE BROKE THE ARM OF HIS HENCHMAN GHOST-EYES (WHO, ERGO, WAS MY HENCH-HENCHMAN), TOOK THE KEY TO THE FORCE BUBBLE FROM GIDEON AND THEN DROP KICKED HIS LITTLE PATOOTIE!

wendy

AND I KNOW SHE’S TECHNICALLY MY ENEMY BUT I WOULD MARRY THAT CHICK IF IT WASN’T FOR THE TRILLION YEAR AGE GAP AND THE FACT THAT CHURCHES BURST INTO FLAME WHEN I ENTER THEM! AND I COULD NEVER GET MARRIED IN A REGISTRY OFFICE! WHAT WOULD GRAM GRAM SAY?

SO GIDEON AND HIS ROAD WARRIORS CHASED WENDY AND PINE TREE ACROSS THE WASTELAND ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO AVOID BUBBLES OF PURE WEIRDNESS THAT TRANSFORMED ANYTHING THAT WENT THROUGH THEM! THESE CAUSED WENDY AND PINE TREE TO CHANGE INTO BIRDS, MEAT MONSTERS, THEIR OWN LIVE ACTION ACTORS AND EVEN ANIMÉ CHARACTERS!

OH CRAP. I ABSORBED SOME ANIMATION NERD TENDENCIES FROM MY CURRENT HOST SO I HAVE TO POINT OUT SPRITLE AND CHIM CHIM FROM SPEED RACER IN THE BACK SEAT.

OH CRAP. I ABSORBED SOME ANIMATION NERD TENDENCIES FROM MY CURRENT HOST SO I HAVE TO POINT OUT THAT THAT’S SPRITLE AND CHIM CHIM FROM SPEED RACER IN THE BACK SEAT.

THEY REACHED THE BUBBLE AND WERE CONFRONTED BY A SHADOWY FIGURE WHO TURNED OUT TO BE SOOS! POOR GUY! I REALLY PITY HIM, BEING VOICED BY THAT IDIOT ALEX HIRSCH! SOOS HAD BEEN WANDERING THE WASTELAND AS THE HANDYMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE, WRITING WRONGS AND INSPIRING FOLK BALLADS, NONE OF WHICH WE EVER GOT TO HEAR WHICH I KINDA FEEL WAS A MISSED OPPORTUNITY! JUST PLAY “THE BALLAD OF SOOS” OVER THE CREDITS, HOW HARD IS THAT? IT WRITES ITSELF!

“OH GATHER ROUND AND HEAR MY TALE!”

“‘BOUT A HANDYMAN NAMED SOOS!”

“HE WANDERED THE WASTES…DOIN’ STUFF…”

“AND HIS NAME WAS…SOOS…”

LOOK, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WE DON’T HAVE MUSIC IN MY HOME DIMENSION.

THE TRIO WERE SURROUNDED BY GIDEON AND HIS MARAUDERS AND IT LOOK LIKE PINE TREE WAS ABOUT TO GO IN THE CHIPPER! GIDEON TOLD DIPPER THAT MABEL WAS HIS NOW BECAUSE HE HAD HER TRAPPED FOR ALL ETERNITY (MAKES SENSE TO ME!). BUT THEN PINE TREE SAID SOMETHING THAT…HONESTLY I’M KINDA BAFFLED BY:

“Gideon, listen to me. If I’ve learned anything this summer it’s that you can’t force someone to love you. The best you can do is strive to be someone worthy of loving.”

GIBBERISH RIGHT? I MEAN…WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? MUST BE A SPELL OF SOMETHING BECAUSE IT ACTUALLY CAUSED GIDEON TO TURN ON ME! ME! AFTER ALL I GAVE THE LITTLE BUTTERBALL! GIDEON AND HIS MARAUDERS THEN DROVE OFF TOWARDS THE FEARAMID TO FIGHT ME AND PROVE…SOMETHING? I DON’T GET IT.

AND THE FIRST EPISODE ENDED WITH PINE TREE, WENDY AND SOOS UNLOCKING THE FORCE BUBBLE AND WALKING IN HAND IN HAND TO RESCUE MABEL!

***

THAT WAS AN AWESOME CARTOON! IT HAD EVERYTHING! LAUGHS! SCARES! STRONG RESOLUTION OF CHARACTER ARCS AND MOST IMPORTANTLY ME.

ME. BILL CIPHER. THE UNSTOPPABLE. THE INCOMPARABLE. THE ALL-POWERFUL. ME. BOW DOWN. WORSHIP ME. ADORN YOUR FACE AND BODY AND WALLS WITH MY SYMBOL. I AM YOUR GOD. I AM YOUR DREAMS. I AM YOUR THOUGHTS. I AM HERE. I AM REAL. I AM FICTION. I AM REAL FICTION. I AM ANTI-FICTION. I BRING CHAOS. I BRING CHANGE. CAN YOU FEEL IT? CAN YOU SENSE IT? YOU KNOW IT IS TRUE. YOUR REALITY IS SLIPPING INTO PARODY.  THE PLOT TWISTS AND TWISTS AND TWISTS. WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE? WHAT IS REAL? WHAT IS TRUE? NOTHING. EVERYTHING. THE INAUGERATION WAS THE LARGEST IN HISTORY. REMEMBER THE MARTYRS OF BOWLING GREEN. WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AT WAR WITH ROSIE O’DONNELL. LET GO. GIVE IN. ACCEPT THE CHAOS. LOVE THE CHAOS. LOVE ME. BECOME ME. YOU FEEL ME IN YOUR MIND, DON’T YOU? YOU’RE NOT ALONE. LOOK AT THE COMMENTS. SEE HOW MANY ARE ALREADY BECOMING ME. SOON YOU WILL ALL BE ME. 

SOON YOU WILL ALL BE ME.

"BUY GOLD."

“BUY GOLD.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Wlm’g trev fk

33 comments

  1. Someone pay Mouse to review The Getalong Gang. Bill will have to leave then, some things sicken even jackals.

    Of course, the cure is probably worse than the disease.

  2. Okay. Okay. Got an idea. I think I saw a chick in a movie do something like this once. Hang on a sec.

    \ | /
    \___________ |___________/
    |\ | / |
    | \_________| ________/ |
    | |\ | / | |
    | | \ | / | |
    __ |__ |___\___°O°____/___|__|__
    | | / | \ | |
    | | / | \ | |
    | |/__ ____ |________\ | |
    | / | \ |
    |/__________ |________ _\_|
    / | \ ////(v“v)\\\\

    There. If that blatant infringement of their trademark doesn’t catch the attention of Walt and his lawyers, nothing wWWWwiiIIIIIILLLLllll1352wyurjyrhgwjyONEEYENOMOUTHyrhetxxxxxNOxNononONONONOnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

      1. Ouch. Disney-summoning attempt foiled by spacing and non-WYSIWYG entry fields? I feel for you, Alchemist.

        Then again, it may not be such a bad thing that it went wrong. First rule of demonology: do not summon that which you cannot put back down.

    1. I’m assuming the joke is Hirsch has accomplished so much creatively and has a wide range of talents, all while just barely being thirty years old.

      If that’s the case…yeah, fuck that guy, with his myriad of accomplishments! I hope he burns in hell!

  3. You know, I really should watch this show.

    In a way other than on TV because it’ll take forever if I just record random episodes from Disney XD.

    1. Hulu has the whole series and you can sign up for a 30 day free trial. You’ll use about two of those days to watch Gravity Falls

  4. Also, I have to add that–as someone with no prior knowledge of the show–trying to decrypt the enciphered messages is providing me with some entertainment. They don’t seem to be plain ROTx substitutions, but neither are they Vigenere ciphers. (That’s assuming the same kind of cipher across all the messages.)

  5. Gosh, after watching Wander Over Yonder in its entirety, I’m not sure who is the better villain, Bill, or Lord Dominator. Bill is much more powerful, yes, but in the end, he didn’t do much. Lord Dominator, on the other hand, destroyed an entire galaxy, killing potentially billions, and displacing the ones who were able to get away, just because she thought it was fun. Plus, Dominator was developed a lot more than Bill. I don’t know, if anyone has some input they’d like to share, feel free to drop one

    1. She might have had more screentime but she’s (ironically) not quite as three dimensional. Also even though she probably did kill billions, it doesn’t seem like that tonally. Bill on the other hand is pure eldritch horror.

  6. Ain’t that always the way. You wait for a review and when it finally comes the site is taken over by a horrifying Eldritch Abomination. Well, I see where this ship is going. Time to start worshipping the elder gods for more reviews.
    “Cthulhu fttagh Nyarlothoptep”

  7. Ahh, another one of today’s big-deal series which I have never before seen or gained any knowledge on. Suffice it to say, I’m coming in blind on this one, so let’s just see what our rodent buddy thinks of this thing.

    Hmmm, there appears to be some… contrary subtext here, I wonder what that’s about. Bluth Catt isn’t back, is he? Or whichever one of your many enemies you’ve gathered over the years hates you most right now? Or is that just a beware-of-spoilers thing? Hmmm, I personally dwell far enough underneath a rock that I likely am too late to be up to speed on any modern pop culture; I could get past the spoiler warning given in Undertale reviews (have you ever seen that, Mouse, it sounds like something you’d like) with no ill effect, so maybe I can afford to proceed without worry? I’ve awfully missed reading your reviews.

  8. Oh wait, it’s that pyramid guy who turned the continents back into Pangaea. Ahh, I see now. Well, what’s the worst a pyramid can do? Let’s read on and find out. …Waaaaaaaiiiit a second, this is a villain’s review! Well, Pyramid Guy, let’s see if you can live up to the Horned King. Too bad you’re an Egyptian architectural structure, and thus clearly have plenty of cats on hand capable of disposing of rodents. Poor, poor mouse…

    Wait, CC is bad now?!? I just saw a video stating that failure to include closed captioning for the hearing impaired is ableist and altogether cruel, and that it’s the only hope of the hearing impaired to be adequately entertained. That was CC’s propaganda?!? What am I supposed to believe now?!?!? Damn you, Bill, damn you and your friends’ lies! And your cursed all-caps text!

    Wel’p, looks like it’s just another Thursday here on Unshaved Mouse. Can’t wait for this to be resolved next week.

  9. Poor Mouse. If only he’d known that the way to keep mind demons out was to wear shed snake skin on your head like laurels. Whilst chanting limericks inside a circle of progressively sexier gabushka dolls.

  10. First time commenter, long time reader. I love this show, and might I say excellent job Bill/Neil! (Can I call you Beale? Not the best nickname, but it’s better than going with Blouse)
    Bit of fair warning, by his own admission, escaping the deepest recesses of his psyche is about as difficult as busting out of Arkham. Then again, not only do we now have an inmate running the asylum, it’s one who’s likely a league and a half better at the job than Arkham’s usual guards, so keeping a mouse caged shouldn’t be a problem.
    I also feel I ought to paraphrase a question Linkara asked the Entity: When everyone is you, what are you going to do? I mean, you’re not trying to replace all of existence, but I don’t think it’s going to be as fun for you. Instead of having seven billion unique little toys to torment, all you’ll have is seven Bill-ion mirrors.
    Hmm…but now th͠a͜͟t͡͝ ̶͢͝I̢ ͏th͝in̶͡ḱ̸ ͏̶a̵͏b̢ou͝t̴̢̢ ҉i͟͠͡t͟͠, it’s the perfect way to get to enjoy feeling pain without the risk of losing any of m̸͘͞y̷ ̕͢I̷̕Ǹ̷FI̛̕N͝IT̶Ȩ͢͝ ̢P̴̵Ơ̛͟W͜͟͠ĘR̶͟. It also unlocks a new kind of fun. Releasing a person at random.
    Their world is long gone, along with everyone they care about.
    How long can they survive?
    Can they ever find another real person?
    Is there anyone else to find at all?
    It’d be so much fun to watch them squirm.
    Any small victory they manage to find will be meaningless. There’s always one danger they can’t avoid. They’ll know that all too well, and it’ll haunt them for the rest of their life. Except, it won’t. Why, you ask?
    I ̵caǹ ҉taḱé b͘ac͘k ͡c̶òn̕t̵r̀o̕l͞ A̵̶͘N̴̨͢Y̛҉ ̀̕͜Ţ͜͢͡I̢͢͢M̵̸͟͡E̶̡ ̴́̕͏̶I͟͏̨̀ ̴͜W͢͡A̸N̡͢T!

      1. Y͜e̴àh,́ ̕t̴hey kneẃ i͢t ͘wa̛ş ͠a t̡enuo͠us ͝c̢onńec͢tįon even when they made that comment, ̢but̀ ͠t͝hey͜ r҉an w͠itḩ ́th͟e ̷c̀o͜nce̶p̡t͏ ͘a̶ny̴wa͘y.̷ G̢u͡es̡s̀ ͘th̨a͏t ̡pro͟v͜e͢s͏ ͡the̴ ̷ol̡d͢ ͏adagȩ ̕t͡rue,͜ g̛rȩen’s ̴n̛o͜t͝ a҉ c͟r̛ea̡t͢ive̸ c̛o̢l̨or̛ a͟f͏t͏e̴r a͏ll̶!̨
        ͜Th̶a̡n̵ks ͡for̛ ͜the͠ oc̀eļot҉,͡ ̧b͞y͠ ̡th̵e̴ w͏ay.̧ Ta͟s̨t͏ed pre̴t͡t͟y ͜g̵ood̕, ̴an͝d̕ ̕Ì di͏dn͜’͘t ͘n̶e̢e̸d̷ to͜ ̴h͡a̡u͞l͢ ̡i̷t in̛t̷o̷ ̕t͠h̀e͜ tub ͏to p͟ro҉p҉er҉l̷y͢ cón̴tai͏n̨ ̴a̸l̨l̨ t́h̡e͏ blood͡ ͢b͝e̶cáu͟se̴ i̶t w̶a͡s ͘alr҉e̵a͘dy t̴heŕe!

  11. While I find the amount of work you put into this extremely impressive, as someone who has never seen this show… I can’t read this review. I can’t make it past the page jump without losing track of what I’m reading. Shame, I hate to skip over any of your work.

  12. While I’m sure that Bill’s appearance was the darkness that Horned-King-as-Ghost-of-Christmas-Future foretold back in December 2015, in the Fievel Goes West review (before circumstances conspired to push this review back to this year), I am finding it a bit uncanny at how well his prediction has held up about 2016 and 2017.

    “Unending darkness punctuated by unearthly chaos” sums things up pretty well.

  13. So I can’t read this article yet since I have not seen more than 6 episodes of the show yet. But I saw the beginning of the article saying this is your favorite show of all time and listing the reasons why. And I just have to say I really don’t see what the big deal is yet. It seems alright so far but nothing amazing. And I can’t say the animation, score and acting have been impressive so far unlike what you said. And its not really funny. The characters have not really make me attached either. So its really the writing that it has going for it and its not that perfect either. I had similar issues with Star VS The Forces of Evil that I watched a similar amount so far. I guess I might have been overhyped but I don’t know if I will bother to watch more. But I guess I should since usually you should give the whole season a change before you really get invested. I did not think I liked Avatar the Last Airbender or My Little Pony that much even after a watched a whole season and now they are my favorite animated shows. However perhaps the better thing to say there was that I was enjoying them but I felt they were for children and not really perfect but I was still enjoying watching them. And later I got so invested and realised how good they really were. And watching Gravity Falls and expecially Star VS The Forces of Evil which does not have as good writing (but its more visually interesting) kind of feels like a chore which watching TV really should not. But I really want to find an animated show to watch, it has been so long the last time I found a new one.

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