THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO DONATED!

Well everyone, that wraps her up and I am delighted to say that thanks in large part you guys we have reached our funding target for Joanna! And now I can freely admit that there never was such a play, and I am absconding to Mexico with your donations to live like a filthy pirate king. Good times.

In the meantime though, here is the list of people who donated and an approximate date for your review to go up. As I said in an earlier post, I will try to keep to this schedule but sickness, holidays, computer failures or family emergencies may result in your review getting pushed back and if it does, lo siento mucho. Also, while I did originally say I would be putting up the names of the movies people requested but I think it might be more fun to surprise you at the end of each review so instead I’ve put down the date, the name of the donor and my first reaction on being asked to review that movie. Here we go.

30 January 2014- Amelia Mellor (Oooh. Heard it’s really good.)

27 February 2014- Ryen Rasmus (Oh FUCK YEAH!)

13 March 2014- Michael Tyndall (Ugh.)

27 March 2014- Alan Fowley Doyle (AAAAAAAARRRGGHH)

24 April 2014- James Egan (Ah, that’ll cleanse the palette.)

05 June 2014- Ian Tait Doak (Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…I am thirty fucking years old I should not be this excited.)

03 July 2014- Darragh Ó Bradáin (Okay, you are one of my oldest friends so I will review this movie for you even though it’s not actually an animation and also I did have the theme music played at my wedding reception so okay.)

31 July 2014- Andrew Russell(TETSUO!!!! KANEDAAAAAAAA!!!!)

11 September 2014- Fleur Farwaji (No, no, no, look I can’t review another live action movie you’re donating how much? Okay then.)

09 October 2014- Eamonn Sharpson (You’re lucky you’re my brother or I would punch you in the mouth.)

20 November 2014- Lurking Lurker (Sorry, looks like it’ll be your second choice. Couldn’t find a non dodgy/legal/inexpensive way of getting your first choice)

04 December 2014- Callie Arendt (Yeah. I’ve known I’d have to do this one since the Aladdin review.)

18 December 2014- Veronica Trump (So it’s The Big Sleep with cartoon cats?)

01 January 2015- Zoe Faulder (I really hope Zoe picks a movie otherwise this will be a really dull review.)

15 January 2015-  Conor Kelly (Haven’t seen it but I think this one may cause me to chop onions.)

29 January 2015- Úna Hennessy (Studio Ghibli is always a safe bet, right?)

12 February 2015 – Daniel Austin (They may not dance, but they sure as hell can play the keyboard.)

26 February 2015- Melissa Gola (When they find out I think this one is overrated I am so dead.)

12 March 2015- Sean Egan (How the hell am I supposed to do a funny review of a movie with no dialogue?)

26 March 2015- Juha Tilli (God I hope I can track down a Region 2 copy of this before then.)

09 April 2015- Juha Tilli (again) (What the..What and the Midsummer What?..Huh?!)

23 April 2015- Esther Ní Dhonnacha (Oh God…Ireland’s curse.)

07 May 2015- Chinyere Breitner-Nwizuzu (What is that? A Francis Ford Coppola Yakuza movie?)

21 May 2015- Samantha Doyle (So it’s back to the Bluthiverse…)

04 June 2015- Jacob Charlet (I will review this movie. Because I’m an athlete.)

18 June 2015- Juha Tilli, who by this stage is basically executive producer of this thing. (Ducktales Woohoo!)

02 July 2015- Jennifer Seggio (My, don’t we like to cut things fine?)

***

Now, these are the people who’ve specifically requested a review. If you donated but didn’t get around to asking me for a review and would like one please let me know in the comments and I’ll add you to the list. Or if you did ask me for a review and it somehow slipped through my meticulous filing system (ha!) again, let me know and I’ll fix it. And lastly, if you wanted to request a review and didn’t get a chance this time, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing this again next year as Mexico is surprisingly expensive we’ll probably be doing another production which I’ll tell you about closer to the time. Anyway, thanks so much to everyone who donated on behalf of myself, my wife and the cast of Joanna. I promise we will work our asses off to make this play the best that it can be and to justify your support and faith in us. Thanks guys.

Mouse

“Increase quality of Theatre Output by 30%”
My friends, let us be frank. This is no mere kerfuffle. It is not even a brouahaha. This is a full on clusterpickle. I refer of course to the controversy following the release by the Irish Times of the findings of the Abbey Theatre’s independent assessment…you have no idea what I’m talking about do you?
Okay, little background. The Abbey Theatre was founded in Dublin in 1902 by WB Yeats and others to showcase Irish writing and culture and played an important part in fostering a sense of unique cultural Irish identity in the early twentieth century. This in turn fed into the political and military independence movements of the time which finally resulted in the creation of an Irish Free State in the twenties. This is why, from 1925 onward the Abbey became the first state-subsidised theatre in the English speaking world, a status it retains to this day (although it is not fully funded by the government and never has been). We can argue about the appropriateness of a theatre being even partially funded by the taxpayer but I would argue that this has been hugely beneficial to both parties. Firstly, the Abbey is a major part of Ireland’s reputation as a literary powerhouse; Yeats, O’Casey, Synge, Hugh Leonard, Brian Friel, Frank McGuinness, Tom Murphy, Conor McPhearson…all have worked with and been supported by the Abbey at one time or another, and this commitment to new writing continues to this day. Contrast this with the other venerable institution of the Dublin Theatre scene, the Gate, which now deals almost exclusively in either classics from the theatrical canon that can be assured of a big draw or adaptations of popular novels. That can be assured of a big draw. And that’s not a diss on the Gate, but the fact remains that in a theatre scene as small and yet as fiercely competitive as Dublin’s, there is precious little room for error for a theatre the size of the Gate. One flop could kill them, and when you’re in that situation the last thing you can afford to do is experiment. The next great Irish playwright to emerge will almost certainly emerge from the Abbey, not the Gate, because government funding allows the Abbey to take the chance on the next big thing. And I will be waiting by the phone.
"It's for you." "At last!"

“It’s for you.”
“At last!”

Now, when you receive tax-payer money there is of course a responsibility to ensure that money is being spent well. This is why Fiach MacConghail, the director of the Abbey Theatre, and the Arts Council who provide the Abbey’s funding, asked three independent experts to assess the Abbey’s productions for a year. Honest criticism is very hard to come by in the Irish theatre scene because a) you don’t want to insult someone you may be working with in a few months’ time and b) EVERYBODY KNOWS EVERYBODY. This is why the three assessors were chosen from outside Ireland, an English professor of Irish history and two theatre directors, one English and one Scottish. The resulting report was pretty tough, but then that was the point. This was supposed to be a frank, take no prisoners, tell it like it is sort of report to allow the Abbey to work on areas that needed improvement. And that would have been that. But then, enter the Irish Media…
lightning17
 
The Irish Times requested access to the report from the Arts Council for the full report under freedom of information legislation and published the whole damn thing. Not only that, but they refused a request by Fiach to at least redact the names of the individual actors, writers and directors who came in for criticism by the panel (you can read his dignified response to the whole mess here). Which is what is known in the theatrical world as a “dick move”. It is also known as that in other worlds. And now the Irish theatre scene has basically blown up over this. People are feeling betrayed and humiliated, accusations are flying, critics of the Abbey are crowing like big massive cocks (the birds of course) and basically, in a word: DRAMA.
Now if you’ve come here for a sober and dispassionate take on all this you’ve probably come to the wrong place. I love the Abbey. I go whenever I can get a babysitter, a great many of my friends work there in one capacity or another, they trained me as a playwright for a year, have supported me as a writer for five, staged the first ever professional production of my writing on the Peacock stage. I owe these guys a lot so let me be very clear that I am in their corner here. But I’m not going to dispute or criticise the findings of the panel, who were asked to give their honest opinion and gave it. And that opinion basically boils down to: “We saw twelve plays. Four of them were awesome (though we can’t agree which ones). Five were solid. And there were three that we thought really needed to be better for a professional theatre (although again, we can’t agree which ones).” What I would dispute, however, is the implication by the Irish Times and others that these findings mean that the Abbey is not a “world class” theatre. That somehow, being one of the most historic and storied theatres in the English speaking world that has and continues to foster the best in new Irish writing means nothing unless three individuals go to twelve plays and love every single last one of them. Because theatre doesn’t work like that. No three people will ever agree on what makes a fantastic piece of theatre. I have stood in lobbies after a show cursing the two hours that I will never get back while my wife stands trembling beside me in the still lingering throes of near religious theatrical ecstasy. Some people will now genuinely, with a straight face, say that the Abbey should produce “better plays” or risk losing its funding. Okay. How will you measure that? Write down for me what makes a good play. If it’s financially successful? If it’s “ripped from the headlines” relevant to the present day? If it’s timeless in its themes and message? Creating theatre is not chemistry, it’s alchemy. It’s the fusing of a million different elements, egos, talents, words, hopes, sweat, blood, prayers, fear, madness and a huge big frothy dollop of luck and throwing it onstage and hoping something sparkles in the darkness. It is not something that can be quantified and planned and worked out to the last decimal place (and if it was I sure as hell wouldn’t want to watch it). You cannot increase the quality of Theatre Output by 30%. If there are obvious problems with the way some plays are produced then obviously that should be addressed (which was the point of the whole exercise in the first place). But no theatre can produce exceptional theatre 100% per cent of the time. That’s the whole point. It is exceptional. All any theatre can do, be it a small parish hall or the National Theatre, is to honestly and whole-heartedly work to make every piece of theatre as good as it can be. Speaking from personal experience, in the Abbey Theatre that is all they ever do. And they will make mistakes. In the words of another Irish writer who never had any sort of relationship with the Abbey because that would make this ending so much more effective, damn it: “Ever try. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”  
NOTE: This post originally stated that the Abbey is the only theatre  in Ireland to receive public funding. This is incorrect, many theatres and theatre companies in Ireland receive some level of government subsidy. Thanks to Derbhle Crotty for the correction.

Five More Days to Request a Review!

Hi guys, as I write this Joanna is now a mere €380 short of its funding target. Thank you so much to everyone who donated. As I’ve previously mentioned, anyone who donates €10 or more can request a review of any animated movie they like and any and all support is greatly appreciated. You can donate on our Indiegogo page HERE, although I do have to remind you that because of the volume of donations we’ve received any review requested as of today won’t go up until some time early 2o15. Also, please check the exchange rate to make sure you’re not donating more than you can afford. Thanks guys, and now, if you’ll excuse me.

"There's something down there."

“There’s something down there.”

Gandalf

“It’s the Unshaved Mouse. He’s been following us for three days.”

signs-of-a-mouse-infestation-keyboard

"He wants to review our movie. He wants to tear it to pieces. It...calls to him."

“He wants to review our movie. He wants to tear it to pieces. It…calls to him.”

"It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the ch...whoa whoa whoa back up a notch. You knew he's been following us for three days? And you were going to tell us when?"

“It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill him when he had the ch…whoa whoa whoa back up a notch. You knew he’s been following us for three days? And you were going to tell us when?”

"...I can explain."

“…I can explain.”

"Okay."

“Okay.”

"High. Off. My. Ass."

“High. Off. My. Ass.”

"Oh we are so screwed."

“Oh. Well that’s just terrific.”

"..."

“…”
“My God…”

"BAHIA!"

“BAHIA!”

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #44: Brother Bear

 

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

Disney is proud of Atlantis. It didn’t make a lot of money, it wasn’t a huge critical success, but nonetheless they are damned proud of that movie. How do I know? Look at the DVD release. There are literally hours of behind the scenes material, concept art, excised scenes and a full visual commentary by the directors. All this is essentially the studio saying “Looking how much hard work and effort and craft went into making this film.”
The Brother Bear DVD has a commentary by two Canadian moose. Make of that what you will.
Why did no one warn me? Seriously? Why did none of you have the goddamned decency to let me know what was in store? Oh sure, you said it was bad. But there is a difference between saying “You know, trains can be dangerous if they hit you” and screaming “GET OFF THE TRACKS YOU IDIOT!!”. Hell, why didn’t Disney warn me? How could they just release this on an unsuspecting public? Okay fine, I don’t expect them to flat out say “Our movie is cinema’s answer to the Khmer Rouge” but they could at least have hinted in their marketing that some serious shit was coming our way.
Oh. My apologies.

Oh. My apologies.

Bad? Oh hell yes.
Worse than Dinosaur?
I…I…ohhhhh that is hard to answer. Do you take the flaming mace to the nutsack or the being forcibly fed live moray eels? Dinosaur is horribly deriviative, ugly and  deathly dull. Brother Bear, at least, is only one of those (the last one). It’s not a particularly bad looking film, certainly not jaw-dropping but not an assualt on the eyes either. And I certainly would never call this movie deriviative. Dinosaur’s plot is so rote you pretty much know how it’s going to play out within five minutes. Brother Bear though? Credit where it’s due, I guess, I would not have predicated the story choices this movie makes. It certainly tries to break the mold and try something different. But…”different” is not always “good”.
Well, that's different.

Well, that’s “different”.

I honestly have never watched any Disney movie so slack jawed with utter disbelief at what I was watching. Never have I stared at the screen, silently mouthing the words “No. NO! No. No…No.”
I wanted to give you some background on this movie, what they were thinking, who thought it, what punishment was eventually meted out to them but there is nothing really. Nothing on the internet, nothing on the DVD barring the moose commentary. And no, I didn’t listen to it. I don’t owe you that. I don’t owe anyone that.
Sigh. Let’s just do this.

Please read this before donating…

I’ve been absolutely bowled over by the level of support for Joanna. We’ve almost reached our funding target and a majority of the donors were readers of this very blog, so thank you all. But the number of requests I’ve received has sort of become its own problem and I need to address this now (I probably should have addressed it earlier). Most of you know, I post one review every two weeks. That probably doesn’t sound like a lot, but the reviews are hella long and usually take me about six hours to write. Couple this with my day job, looking after a one year old and trying to keep on top of other writing projects and you can see why I don’t post more often much as I would love to. The movies you’ve asked me to review will be full length reviews just like the Disney ones, but that means they will have to be done on the same fortnightly schedule. Turns out though there’s not that many weeks in a year and having drawn up the schedule for 2014 something has struck me: This is going to take a long ass time. Basically, if you ask me to review a movie today, you can expect to see that review sometime around March/April 2015. And that’s if I post one review every two weeks like clockwork, not even factoring in holidays, computer problems, illness, family emergencies or being banished to an alternate dimension (it happens to me more often than you’d think). The very, very last thing I would want would be for you to donate, expecting to see a review within a few weeks and then feel like I’d cheated you. Does this mean I don’t want you to donate? Oh hell no! But if you do, please be aware that you are not “buying” a review, anymore than you are buying a pink ribbon if you donate to cancer research. The review is my way of saying thank you for your generosity and it will unfortunately take me a long time to get around to it, because it turns out I have a whole load of wonderful, generous people to thank. However, if you are entitled to any of the other perks from the indiegogo page (posters, scripts and whatnot), we will try to dispatch them to you as soon as the funding period ends. Thanks guys.

 

Mouse.

AMA for my FAQ! ASAP!

So, I’m thinking of doing a FAQ page for the blog and I need suggestions. I’ve already got the obvious ones (What’s this blog about? When do you update? What’s with the wiseass map of Europe?) but if there’s any questions you’d like answered leave ’em in the comments.

Mouse out.