Five More Days to Request a Review!

Hi guys, as I write this Joanna is now a mere €380 short of its funding target. Thank you so much to everyone who donated. As I’ve previously mentioned, anyone who donates €10 or more can request a review of any animated movie they like and any and all support is greatly appreciated. You can donate on our Indiegogo page HERE, although I do have to remind you that because of the volume of donations we’ve received any review requested as of today won’t go up until some time early 2o15. Also, please check the exchange rate to make sure you’re not donating more than you can afford. Thanks guys, and now, if you’ll excuse me.

"There's something down there."

“There’s something down there.”

Gandalf

“It’s the Unshaved Mouse. He’s been following us for three days.”

signs-of-a-mouse-infestation-keyboard

"He wants to review our movie. He wants to tear it to pieces. It...calls to him."

“He wants to review our movie. He wants to tear it to pieces. It…calls to him.”

"It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the ch...whoa whoa whoa back up a notch. You knew he's been following us for three days? And you were going to tell us when?"

“It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill him when he had the ch…whoa whoa whoa back up a notch. You knew he’s been following us for three days? And you were going to tell us when?”

"...I can explain."

“…I can explain.”

"Okay."

“Okay.”

"High. Off. My. Ass."

“High. Off. My. Ass.”

"Oh we are so screwed."

“Oh. Well that’s just terrific.”

"..."

“…”
“My God…”

"BAHIA!"

“BAHIA!”

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #44: Brother Bear

 

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

Disney is proud of Atlantis. It didn’t make a lot of money, it wasn’t a huge critical success, but nonetheless they are damned proud of that movie. How do I know? Look at the DVD release. There are literally hours of behind the scenes material, concept art, excised scenes and a full visual commentary by the directors. All this is essentially the studio saying “Looking how much hard work and effort and craft went into making this film.”
The Brother Bear DVD has a commentary by two Canadian moose. Make of that what you will.
Why did no one warn me? Seriously? Why did none of you have the goddamned decency to let me know what was in store? Oh sure, you said it was bad. But there is a difference between saying “You know, trains can be dangerous if they hit you” and screaming “GET OFF THE TRACKS YOU IDIOT!!”. Hell, why didn’t Disney warn me? How could they just release this on an unsuspecting public? Okay fine, I don’t expect them to flat out say “Our movie is cinema’s answer to the Khmer Rouge” but they could at least have hinted in their marketing that some serious shit was coming our way.
Oh. My apologies.

Oh. My apologies.

Bad? Oh hell yes.
Worse than Dinosaur?
I…I…ohhhhh that is hard to answer. Do you take the flaming mace to the nutsack or the being forcibly fed live moray eels? Dinosaur is horribly deriviative, ugly and  deathly dull. Brother Bear, at least, is only one of those (the last one). It’s not a particularly bad looking film, certainly not jaw-dropping but not an assualt on the eyes either. And I certainly would never call this movie deriviative. Dinosaur’s plot is so rote you pretty much know how it’s going to play out within five minutes. Brother Bear though? Credit where it’s due, I guess, I would not have predicated the story choices this movie makes. It certainly tries to break the mold and try something different. But…”different” is not always “good”.
Well, that's different.

Well, that’s “different”.

I honestly have never watched any Disney movie so slack jawed with utter disbelief at what I was watching. Never have I stared at the screen, silently mouthing the words “No. NO! No. No…No.”
I wanted to give you some background on this movie, what they were thinking, who thought it, what punishment was eventually meted out to them but there is nothing really. Nothing on the internet, nothing on the DVD barring the moose commentary. And no, I didn’t listen to it. I don’t owe you that. I don’t owe anyone that.
Sigh. Let’s just do this.

Please read this before donating…

I’ve been absolutely bowled over by the level of support for Joanna. We’ve almost reached our funding target and a majority of the donors were readers of this very blog, so thank you all. But the number of requests I’ve received has sort of become its own problem and I need to address this now (I probably should have addressed it earlier). Most of you know, I post one review every two weeks. That probably doesn’t sound like a lot, but the reviews are hella long and usually take me about six hours to write. Couple this with my day job, looking after a one year old and trying to keep on top of other writing projects and you can see why I don’t post more often much as I would love to. The movies you’ve asked me to review will be full length reviews just like the Disney ones, but that means they will have to be done on the same fortnightly schedule. Turns out though there’s not that many weeks in a year and having drawn up the schedule for 2014 something has struck me: This is going to take a long ass time. Basically, if you ask me to review a movie today, you can expect to see that review sometime around March/April 2015. And that’s if I post one review every two weeks like clockwork, not even factoring in holidays, computer problems, illness, family emergencies or being banished to an alternate dimension (it happens to me more often than you’d think). The very, very last thing I would want would be for you to donate, expecting to see a review within a few weeks and then feel like I’d cheated you. Does this mean I don’t want you to donate? Oh hell no! But if you do, please be aware that you are not “buying” a review, anymore than you are buying a pink ribbon if you donate to cancer research. The review is my way of saying thank you for your generosity and it will unfortunately take me a long time to get around to it, because it turns out I have a whole load of wonderful, generous people to thank. However, if you are entitled to any of the other perks from the indiegogo page (posters, scripts and whatnot), we will try to dispatch them to you as soon as the funding period ends. Thanks guys.

 

Mouse.

AMA for my FAQ! ASAP!

So, I’m thinking of doing a FAQ page for the blog and I need suggestions. I’ve already got the obvious ones (What’s this blog about? When do you update? What’s with the wiseass map of Europe?) but if there’s any questions you’d like answered leave ’em in the comments.

Mouse out.

Happy New Year!

Hope everyone had a good one. 2013 was a pretty big year for Unshaved Mouse. I entered the final stretch of finishing my mission to review all the Disney canon classics, picked up a load of new readers and started a feud with the largest newspaper in my home country. Which I lost. But hey, I can’t say it wasn’t fun. 2014 is shaping up to be pretty fantastic though, and that is all thanks to you guys. There are now 25 days left on my Indiegogo campaign to raise funds for my play Joanna, and the response has already been phenomenal, much better than I expected. As a result, the schedule for next year is now filling up with all kinds of movies for me to review, some of them are classics, some of them are stinkers, but all of them are films that I’m really excited about getting my teeth into. So if there’s an animated movie you want me to review, click on this link, donate €1o and leave me a message here to say which movie you want me to review. Thanks guys. And now if you’ll excuse me…

"One shall stand, one shall fall..."

“One shall stand, one shall fall…”

"Why throw your life away needlessly, Prime?"

“Why throw your life away so recklessly, Prime?”

"That is a question you should ask...um, are you seeing this little mouse too?"

“That is a question you should ask…um, are you seeing this little mouse too?”

...

…

...

…

...

…

"Can we help you?"

“Can we help you?”

"Oh hi. Unshaved Mouse. I've been asked to review your movie so I'm going to need you to come with me."

“Oh hi. Unshaved Mouse. I’ve been asked to review your movie so I’m going to need you to come with me.”

"We're actually a little busy here."

“We’re actually a little busy here.”

"Sorry. Let me rephrase that."

“Sorry. Let me rephrase that.”

"AAAAARRGGH!"

“AAAAARRGGH!”

"JESUS!"

“JESUS!”

"GET IN THE FUCKIN' VAN WHITEY!"

“GET IN THE FUCKIN’ VAN WHITEY!”

"Okay! Okay man! Just be cool!"

“Okay! Okay man! Just be cool!”

"GET IN THERE WITH THE OTHERS!"

“GET IN THERE WITH THE OTHERS!”

"Others? Who...?"

“Others? Who…?”

"Help me..."

“Help me…”

Disney Reviews with the Unshaved Mouse #43: Treasure Planet

(DISCLAIMER: This blog is not for profit. All images and footage used below are property of their respective companies unless stated otherwise. I do not claim ownership of this material. New to the blog? Start at the start with Snow White.)

***

Occasionally, before beginning a review, I will don a simple disguise and mingle with the common folk of the Disney fandom. “Tell me good sirrah,” I might enquire of some good-hearted peasant in a small, provincial internet forum “What do the people think of Lilo and Stitch?”.
“Why sir, it is rightly lauded as a most wondrous film and much beloved.”
“And the Unshaved Mouse? I have heard that he is a reviewer of passable skill?”
“Passable skill? By thunder sir, he is a very God amongst the reviewing class, and most sorely do I wish he were here, that I might shake his hand.”
“Mayhap he is closer than you think, good pleb” I would say with a benevolent smile. I would then toss him a Bitcoin to see the light of thanks in his eyes, and be on my way.
My point is, I try to take the pulse of where we as a fandom are on a particular film and what I found with Treasure Planet made me a little worried. A cursory glance at the internet shows that this thing has a healthier fanbase than many other movies in the canon. Lots of fanart and fanfiction, plenty of people willing to fly the “Lost Classic” banner, some of the most soul scarring motherfucking Jim/Silver porn you have ever seen in your life that I can now never unsee for as long as I live…
But on the flip side…
Facebook
Yeah, so there is a lot of hate for this thing out there. Robert Louis Stevenson purists, animation nerds who blame it for the death of traditional Disney animation, people who just flat out hate it as a movie, Somalis who were suckered into a life of piracy by the unrealistic portrayal in the movie…
These men were promised robots.

These young men were promised robots.

This movie has made more enemies than Boba Fett. And this puts me in a tough position because when it comes to Treasure Planet I fall into the controversial camp of: ”Meh. ‘Sfine.”
Treasure Planet was actually originally pitched by Ron Clements and Jon Musker all the way back in 1985 but it was passed over in favour of Little Mermaid which…yeah, probably the right call. I was surprised to learn that this was a Clements and Musker film because it feels a lot more like something by Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise, particularly Atlantis. Clements and Musker were actually happy for the delay because by the time they got a chance to make it the technology had caught up with their vision for the film. And I’ve got to say this up front; this film is gorgeous. In fact, almost all the Lost Era movies are. The quality of the movies may have gone down after the renaissance, sure, but if anything the animation just kept getting better and better. Let’s take a look.